Hi ladies, I need your help. One of my friends just confessed to me that she recently had a miscarriage. She didn't even realize what was happening until she went to her doctor, and didn't know she was pregnant (not that it makes it any better just trying to give you enough details to paint the right picture). I want to know how to respond the right way but there are some things in our lives that will make this question a little sticky.
We're friends that have lunch together 1-2 times a week, have been to each other's house and go out for drinks in once in a blue moon. Our husbands have never met and we don't talk regularly on the phone. We both don't live near family and are around the same age though we're totally different.
I am career oriented, though I have backed off since having children. I am also an emotional person who cries on cue. She is very well educated, on her way up the corporate ladder and as long as I've known her, she has never wanted children. She is also a very strong personality and can take things without getting too emotional. Oh and I am currently breastfeeding so I have that constant reminder that not too long ago, I was pregnant.
She of course is sad of what the miscarriage means but I guess in a way is relieved since she doesn't want children. Not that she wouldn't have the baby if she did get pregnant (though she and hubby take preventative measures not to). I have told her many times that I support her decision, though I think her and her hubby are great people and would make wonderful parents.
How do I respond? Do I send her something? Get her a card? Cook something and bring it over? Invite her over for dinner? (her hubby travels a lot so she is alone a lot) I've told her that if she wants/needs to talk about it to call me at any time. Do I wait for her to come to me again?
Please help me so I can help her.
Thanks
Thank you all so much for your posts. I sent her a card and wrote that no matter what time, if she ever needs to talk, cry, scream, curse at the world, she could always call me. She already emailed me thanking me, saying that she's going to be ok but knows she can call me if not.
Thanks ladies!
Send her a card or note. Acknowledge the loss. DON'T say "for the best" "something was wrong with him/her" etc. Just be there and be a friend.
I agree with Heidi, I preferred to be left alone. Call after the card arrives. Even sending flowers is a nice idea.
WHen I lost my first child, whom we had been trying to conceive for a year while everyone I worked with -- literally-- got pregnant accidentally, I didn't want everyone to fawn over me. I am kind of pragmatic and though it hurt and I cried in my husband's arms, I didn't want to deal with all the emotions of those around me. I wanted to be happy when I was with them.
Send a card. Tell her that if she wants to talk, you're there to listen. Take her out to a movie or dinner and have a good time with her, without bringing up the issue yourself. Be there. Be present, but don't assume she needs to talk. She might talk, or she might just enjoy your kindness and friendship. I think everyone needs to know that there are people who will take time out to value them and make them feel loved, but not everyone grieves openly.
Bless you.
I agree. Send her a card & let her know that you are sorry for her loss & that you are there for her if she needs to talk. Then let it go at that.
If she would happen to talk about it, don't try to comfort her by saying that her child is in a better place & that he/she wouldn't want her to be sad. For most people that I know who have lost a child, including myself, just makes us angry and/or hurt even more because we would rather have our child with us. It's ok to let her know that you don't know what to say. In reality, nothing that anyone says or does will make it hurt any less. For myself & those that I know, when we do talk about our loss, it's because we are still mourning our loss & are not looking for sympathy, but rather a set of ears to listen to us & a shoulder to cry on.
Just be the friend you are & if she wants to talk about it, she will.
Well, I had a miscarriage once.
For me, I did NOT want fussing over. It is a very private thing. I would not want people to send me cards or cook or bring me anything.
It would only 'remind' me of what happened. And for me, "I" deal with it in MY own way. Which is by, NOT wanting outside interventions or demonstrative things.
I, wanted to deal with it with as little fuss as possible... in my own way, in my own time, and only talking about it if I wanted to, and with my Husband.
Rehashing it and talking about it... with others, even best friends, was NOT the thing for me.
I did not want "help." Just to be... myself in my own space in my own time, in my own whatever. NOT having to 'worry' about how I 'should' be to others... while "I" am going through the after effects of a miscarriage. The LAST thing I wanted to think about, was how I had to be, to others. A good friend, would not expect 'me' to be... a certain way... having had a miscarriage. Just letting me know they are there IF I needed them... was enough. Otherwise, it was too much pressure.... the last thing I wanted to think about was social obligations and having to write thank you cards...
It is not about whether you "support" her decision on children or not... what a person wants is just ACCEPTANCE. For whatever happened, for whatever they are, for whatever they think as a person. Just to be accepted for who they are, and what happened to them. NOT having to have dialogues about it or having to have 'reasons' for their decisions. It gets tiring... having to, explain their every thought or perspective on life and children. That is for her Husband and she, to talk about or decide.
all the best,
Susan
Ive never really been in this situation but im 21 and have lost a brother and sister...and i can say from my own grieving that i felt best when my friends were jsut honest and said "i love you im hear for you if u need to talk and ill listen but i dont know what to say" make sure you avoid things like everything happends for a reason and god has a plan everyone always says it but everyone that hears it hates it.
I had numerous mcs and a late term loss. My response was different every single time and that response was always complicated and often surprising. It will be very hard for you to truly know how this is affecting her. She may not understand her emotions and her response herself. She might feel relieved since she does not want children but suddenly find herself feeling sad and grieving. It can be quite a roller coaster.
I think that your desire to help is really wonderful. Just that alone is helpful. It's a great idea to spend some time with her--bring dinner over or watch a movie. Follow her lead about talking or not talking about it and just be there for her.
I would send a card and maybe invite her to dinner, and just keep doing what you two normally do. Let her take the lead in bringing up the subject. I think you have done well already, by saying that you are available to talk if she wants. You are being a nice friend! Hugs to you!
K. Z.
I had a miscarriage and would have died if people wanted to talk about it or had asked how I was --unless they were my closest of friends!
We had a friend over for dinner tonight who had a miscarriage two days ago. Her hubby had to go away on business and I didn't want her to be alone. Our daughters are good friends too.
Just continue on as you are doing, and if you sense she needs something more, then invite her for dinner.
But do nothing. Did you know that 1 in 4 pregnancies results in miscarriage? It's like one of those really common things that us ladies don't discuss. I personally look at miscarriage as a tiny blessing, nature's way of making sure we have healthy children.
I've had two miscarages. Honestly, except for cards, i wanted to be left alone. I'm a very open and self revealing person. But when it came to looseing a pregnancy, I wanted my space. Its an emotional roller coaster no matter what you wanted the outcome to be. So I think a card to show your thoughtfulness is enough and anything beyond that, from my personal experience, just makes it more painful than it allready is.
I would ask how her body is feeling. And ask her what she'd like or needs. It might be space and it might be a hug or bath salts. Personally, I would love if someone catered my physical needs.
Emotionally, she might feel relieved. Physically, her body is going through some big hormonal changes.
I am not suggesting you "push" help on her, but would check in every once and a while just to see where she is. If her body is feeling wacked out. If it is, you might see if she'd like to do anything special...like go to the ocean for example or to the spa or take a girls night and eat chocolate and wine.
Invite her for dinner, especially if her hubby's our of town. If she begs off dont push it, but you dont KNOW if she wants to be alone ..... It bothered me that most people acted as if it was nothing while I had suffered a loss of a wanted, loved child.
Definitely take her cues. Offer to be a listening ear if she needs to talk about it. It's just soooo hard, because everyone responds differently to these things. For me, my miscarriage was terrible. A friend sent me a sympathy card, and suggested reading a book that had a section of miscarriage. My mother sent me flowers, my family that knew expressed their sorrow at my loss. Which all meant soooo much to me. I was 11wks pregnant and I loved that child as much as I love my older two children. It helped me a lot to have other people acknowledge that I had lost a "child", not just a pregnancy. My baby was/is real and to have that support was tremendous for my healing. But that was me. Some women just don't want to talk about it. Is that healthy??? Probably not, but you can't push someone into something they don't want.
So, like I said before.... let her lead and make sure she knows that if she needs anything, you're there for her.
