How to Help Anxious Toddler with Her Feelings

I was a very sensitive, frightened little girl too! There wasn't any reason for it. It's just who I was, and it was very hard. What about an outgoing little puppy to show her the way? I know it helped me . . . A LOT! Good luck!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things - acknowledging her fears, empathizing with her, and sticking by her during her fearful times when you're out. Keep letting her know that she can trust you and keep taking her out. I feel pretty confident that this combination will lead to her gradually letting go of these fears.

My 4 year old daughter is extremely outgoing and adventurous - unless it's a new experience. If it's her first time on big slide or first time with new kids, she will hang back. I've learned that if I just let her do it in her own time, she'll eventually do it. If I push her - or even just encourage her - she will back off and resist and never try it. Maybe it's a control thing?

Anyway, keep up the great work and I'm sure your daughter will overcome this fear in her own time. Good luck to you both!

HI K.-

I haven't encountered this issue personally, but I'm a psychology professor and am familiar with research that shows that gradual exposure/systematic desensitization can be extremely effective for fears in adults. I don't specialize in kids, but I'm guessing these techniques could work with kids, too.

Basically you first work with your daughter to be able to soothe or relax herself- it has to be reliable and work whenever she wants. It could be deep breathing or a special object or something she thinks about, a favorite song she sings, etc. Second, you work with her to create a "fear hierarchy" of the least scary to the most scary experience (e.g. the party or visitors). For example, perhaps going to get the mail. Or having one visitor for only 5 minutes. In fact, the technique does not even have to be real life- it could be imagined- so you could even start with a story about going to get the mail, or a story about having a visitor for 5 minutes. You want to start really really small so that she can have success. So you start by having her ready to sooth herself (after giving her lots of practice with relaxation and soothing) and then you do a small exposure to the feared experience, and work with her to stay relaxed. This first step can take a lot of practice/time. Once she's able to soothe herself during that first step, you move on to the next slightly scarier experience (e.g., a story about going around the corner, or a story about a visitor for 10 minutes). If she's able to soothe herself, you keep going. These practice sessions take days and weeks, not minutes or hours. And of course with a little one you pace yourself and make it fun. Validating and praising her all along the way.

This is the basic strategy. You might want to see if there are books that tell how to do it with a little one, or try it yourself first and if it's not working, then perhaps get help doing it from a therapist. Again, it's highly effective in adults for all sorts of fears (planes, spiders, swimming, etc).

The other thing that comes to mind is perhaps she is anxious about something that she imagines is going to happen- get lost? Be abandoned? Etc., so perhaps lots of preparation and telling her how to handle various scenarios (whatever she's frightened of)- lots of practice (what will you do if you feel scared? What are we going to do at the store? ) Perhaps making it very predictable and controllable will help.

Trust your mommy gut- if this seems beyond "normal" toddler fears, ask your doctor.

I hope this helps!

Dear K. --

Wow. This is challenging.

I greatly appreciate your careful sensitivity
in trying to reassure your daughter
that she is always safe when you are there.

Are you absolutely SURE that there has not been
some kind of "event" that you don't know about?
Maybe even an event that didn't seem significant
at the time.

For example, perhaps an older person whose idea of fun
is to do scary things around small people?

Maybe a clown (ugh!) or some other kind of noisy, boisterous entertainment at a recent birthday party?

Or something on TV or in public --
that at the time you weren't especially aware of
but that may have "hit" her in a scary way?

There is an excellent book, "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron, perhaps available at your local library.

Good luck in continuing to be supportive and reliable
as your daughter works through her fears.

S.
grandmother of 5

Hmmm... well at about this age children do develop various "fears" and it is just a developmental thing in childhood.

However, if you feel that your daughter's issues are more than what is "normal" then perhaps ask your Pediatrician for advice. ie: if it is something that interferes or prevents ordinary living in just daily things....versus it being just a certain infrequent spurt of fears, like of the "dark" or of insects etc.

What your daughter is 'feeling'... may not be just "fears"... but perhaps she is having anxiety issues about things...even about leaving her house. If "anxiety" is the root of it all... then it would probably be best to ask your Pediatrician.

Did she recently start preschool or anything? Or is she bullied there? Are other kids nice to her? Or does she have a different "routine" of any kind in her daily life? Does she have a baby-sitter or are you with her everyday? Did she happen to see something scary on tv? Does she have older siblings that perhaps scared her (even if unintentionally) about life or going out? Does she have any friends or adults she also hangs-out with, besides yourself? Was there anything on the news perhaps, that she saw and got afraid of? Any natural disasters lately, in your area? - these are things that can literally cause a LOT of 'fear' and/or 'anxiety' in a child.....
try to think about anything, that could have perhaps caused a ball of anxiety/fear in your daughter.

And, the thing is you said your daughter has been this way for the past 2 months.... not that she has always had this personality or disposition all along. So, in that sense it is something new and not her norm... or it could just be developmental based fears, common to 2 year olds.

All the best,
Susan

Hi K.,

Anxiety is not an uncommon emotion for little ones. Remember, the world is much more mysterious to them than it is to us. There are 2 things that you can do to help your daughter.
The first is to try to help her identify what it is she is worried about. You do this by asking questions, listening and refraining from any commentary that she might hear as dismissive or her feelings.
The second thing you can do is validate her fears. She needs to know that you recognize her emotions as fear, anxiety, worry, etc., and that you understand that those emotions are valid. You might even share your own stories of when you felt worried, scared, etc.

Here is an article I recently wrote that might be of help to you.

http://www.mydailyfind.com/family/the-parenting-coach-the...

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

My sister and one of my daughters are both very sensitive people who had problems from childhood on. Both of them are sensitive to noise, to odors, etc. It's an entire syndrome that is difficult for the person. Some people have described it as feeling that your nerves are on the outside of your skin. Feelings get hurt easily, etc. I have read that if it gets to the point where therapy is needed, that cognitive therapy is the most effective. Basically, that's learning how to think through the fears and sensitivities. Although your daughter is obviously too young for you to know if it's just early shyness that may diminish with age (one of my other daughters was just extremely shy but grew out of it -- mostly with the help of a wonderful teacher of creative movement and drama for young children -- ) if it persists, even with you providing so much reassurance, you might want to check out a really good child psychologist who does play therapy. That would be the equivalent of cognitive therapy for an adult, I think.

I don't think my sister and my daughter were taken seriously enough as small children, because I don't think we knew enough about these kinds of things back then. We had a large family, and everyone was expected to just fit in, and there was a lot of noise and activity -- understandable with so many.

It does sound as if you are very aware of your daughter's needs and are doing the best possible things for her, but you might check out play therapy.

Sometimes anxiety like this can also be nutritionally based. Try getting her some kid's Omega 3 fish oil supplements from a brand like Nordic Naturals or Dr. Sears (just make sure they are 3rd party tested for purity and pharmacuetical grade) and see if that doesn't help. It'll take ~6-12 weeks to kick in, but what a difference it can make! Good luck!