How to Handle My Daughters Step Mom Who Is 8 Years Younger than Me

Hi K.,
Here's a response from a Step-mom...that's me! :) Anyway, I do believe you have done the right thing by being nice and taking the high road. I also agree that you need to try to talk with your ex one more time and let him know that if he doesn't talk to his new wife that you will. Lunch in a public place is best.

In our situation, my husband's ex isn't talkative or overly involved in their son's life, unless it seems to be convenient for her...I'm the one more involved because I get to stay home with our daughter and my step-son. He is glad I am able to attend school functions for him...his daddy makes most of them too. His mother makes 1 to maybe 2 a year.

They have joint custody...one week with us, one week with her. My husband and I are the ones who have gone out of our way to be nice and have conversations with his ex. We want his/our son (9 yrs) to know that he is loved by all of us. I do call him my son but not when his mommy is around. I say step-son at that point. I try not to step on her toes because I know he loves his mommy, but I also know he loves me too. I've been in his life since he was 2 1/2, so he doesn't know his parents together. I love him as if he were my own. We have a 4 yr old daughter...most people would never know they are half bother/sister.

Sorry this has gotten so long. I guess I wanted to point out there that not all step parents are bad. The main thing is for your daughter to know she's loved. If she is telling you her new step-mom's behavior bothers her, it needs to be addressed.

Good luck and God Bless!
D.

Sorry, I don't have any advice ... but the shirt thing would certainly hurt. :-( Good for you for continuing to be nice to her ... wish I had some advice - but I haven't BTDT ... so I just don't know what I'd do in that situation ... ((((HUG))))!!

Hi K., so sorry about this situation. My parents were pretty mature when they got divorced and mom was dating, so I don't know how much I can help there. I'm sure she is very insecure, and your ex is thinking with his "little brain" to some extent. I agree with the killing with kindness; maybe you can invite her and your daughter for a girls day - manicure, pedicure, etc. She's a co-parent now, and thank goodness she wants to be involved and isn't making your daughter feel like an alien.

About the shirt - I think it would be neat to get your ex, yourself and step mom all shirts that say "Mia's parents" or "Mia's Family", and maybe with a design that has 4 puzzle pieces fitting together, or the 4 hands holding each other's wrist (if possible with one of them being a little hand). Something like that would make me smile inside. Who knows?

Good luck!

I have kind of been in your shoes. My kids were younger and asked their dad's wife (then girlfriend) what they should call her and she told them to call her Mom. That was very difficult. Your daughter may or may not be old enough... mature enough.... is she able to say something... either to her dad or step mom - maybe if she expresses her feelings of it bothering her, then the step mom might back off a little. Obviously, the step mom is jealous of the relationship you and your ex had when she appeared in the picture. She apprently feels threatened by the cordial co-parenting and has to antagonize you. You're definitely doing the right thing by taking the high road, and when she realizes that it doesn't get to you (as far as she knows), she'll stop... hopefully. I would say, though, if it doesn't... maybe a change in custody to sole physical custody with you and scheduled visitation with her dad and step mom would be beneficial to your daughter. That may be something that needs to be stated to your ex and maybe then he step back into the real world and start putting your daughter first instead of defending his wife all the time. I don't know what it is about the second wife, but my ex did the same thing!

Good luck!

*** If you do get your own t-shirt (response above mine)... instead of "real"... I would say put "Mia's ONLY Mommy"... or just for laughs, get one with an arrow, that says "Mia's STEP Mother" and make sure to sit where it's pointing at her! lol

She sounds very IMMATURE!! I would be furious about the t-shirt thing too. I used have to deal with my ex's wife too--and she used to treat me the same way, but in our situation I am the younger one and she is the one acting like she's 12. Sounds to me like she is jealous that you guys have a child together--or she is just intimidated by your classy way of handling difficult situations and knows she can't do it as good as you can. I don't think there is an easy answer--you just have to know that even if you don't realize it now, your daughter is taking in everything and she can see that YOU are the stronger one and the one trying to make good of the situation!! Just hang in there. :) C.

Oh gawd. I had almost that same thing with the new wife. She'd totally introduce herself as the mom and the kids were so embarrassed (not to mention me). I started showing up and sitting WITH them. I was lucky to have enough opportunities to introduce myself as the mother and she had already done so. Heeheehee. A couple of times it just passed on by with a knowing look to me by the other party, but more than a few times there were direct questions along the line of, "wait, I thought YOU were her mother"!! Heeheehee. I know. Tacky. Couldn't help myself. I also told the kids that when someone asked about her as the mom, they could just tell the person that she was the step-mom, but that it made her feel good to be called "the mom". Ultimately it was all true, but the reverse psychology part was the best -- she totally cut it out after being embarrassed herself so many times -- and it also helped the kids to see that she actually was needy, instead of just a b****.

At the end of the day, there is NOTHING that will stop her from being manipulative if that's how she wants to be. If you or your ex say something to her she'll just get more intense and the kids will suffer or get put in the middle. AND the ex-wife looks stupid, and we HATE that. I just smile and act like the new wife needs to be "understood" and end up looking above it all. Sometimes it's fun. :-O :)

I'm just curious. Does steppy's behavior bother you or your child? If it bother's your child, try to help her find a constructive way to deal with it. Maybe Mia talking to her dad or step-mom will help. Maybe you can give her the words to say or the confidence to speak up. Let her know that she is the most important person in all of this. If it doesn't bother her, why let it bother you? Ask yourself what it is that really bothers you. Is it that steppy is taking credit for your fabulous parenting? If so, thank her publicly for thinking so highly of you as a mom that she is willing to assume your identity. Does it bother you that her behavior is bothering your child? You must know that Mia knows who her mother is and will develop her own opinion of the step-monster...I mean mom...as time goes by.

And, hey, if you want to play dirty, show up in a shirt that says "Mia's REAL Mom!"

Best is luck!

woman to woman I am going to keep it real the step-mom is threatened by you for whatever reason and she knows what to do to get under skin and she knows hubby isn't going to say one word. As my elder say "know one is going to do no more to you than you allow them"

why are you stressing over this woman--you need to have a one on one with her and only her no kids no husband--I'm pretty sure you know her schedule and when you catch her by herself.
1. be polite as you have been
2. take control of the conversation-you have listened to her long enough
3. she does not speak at all
4. let her know exactly how things are going to be going forward don't ask how could you and why did you and all the other stuff....point blank tell her you have had enough you have looked the other way for the sake of your child but this stops today. list whatever it is she does that annoys tell her and let her know this is it and when you are through talking
5. walk away end the conversation

your next step is to talk to your daughter develop a understanding with your daughter and you let her know do not let what step-mommie does or say impact her she continue being a child and having fun and furthermore inform her that step-mom is doing something that offends her she has the right to her that she doesn't like that and it hurts her feeling and you will then know for certain if she cares for your daughter or just being evil to get at you.

She just might a nasty person regardless so no matter what you try or do she may still do the same old tactics maybe not so extreme

You shoud have nipped it in the bud a long time ago!

As always Pray about it and God Bless!

Know that your daughter sees EVERYTHING. Know that you are trying to be the better parent. Keep trying. She sees that too.

Who really cares if the neighbors make comments. Frankly its sad that they have to comment to YOU when they should be supporting you.

Although I have a similar situation (my daughters step mom is probably that much younger than me as well) I get along better with HER than I do my ex husband. He has NEVER wanted to co parent with me and is downright hateful to me and always has been. At least the step mom will be cordial on occasion and at least ATTEMPT (used loosly) to be an adult about our situation.

Yanno...you can't make her like you or even be respectful. You can tho...ask her to lunch and try and talk with her. You have every right to do that if she is in your daughter's life. And if she refuses...no sweat to you. You've done all you can do on your end.

Yanno...I'm a firm believer in that you reap what you sow...and that karma...it's a b*tch. She'll get what's coming to her.

Patience...

OH...and just for spite...I'd get a shirt that says "Mia's REAL Mom". But hey...every now an then it's ok to defend yourself. But that's just me.

Smiles to you and yours. Good luck.

i wonder if you have not accurately described your situation. showing up with a mia's mom shirt? i think in that case you lucky that she would consider your daughter one of her own, many step mothers choose not to incorperate the new children into their life. i am unsure what the age thing has to do with it? it sounds like there is more going on that you did not share that is probably more serious than a t-shirt. if you have taken it up with your ex and he did not respond maybe it is time to take it up with her, especially if it is bothering your daughter. i know it is not hard to take the highroad, and people always say it is better, i tried with my husbands ex. some people just dont respond to the high road. hang in there!

Hi K.,
I can certainly empathize with you because I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I am almost 15 years younger than my boyfriend's ex-wife AND my ex-husband's new girlfriend!! They BOTH are nasty to me despite how nice I try to be to them. It's craziness. My advice? Try not to let it bother you. I know that's easier said than done but the more it bothers you the more the other person is going to enjoy it! I think it's true that she must have some sort of insecurity or otherwise she wouldn't have such a problem with you. Just keep being your true self and don't worry about the rest. Now, if my ex's girlfriend wore a shirt like that to one of my son's games? Honey we would have a serious talk!!!!!!! Of course, my ex knows me well enough that he probably wouldn't let the T-shirt thing happen. Best of luck to you!