How to Handle My Daughter's Breakup with Baby

Hi! I am a school counselor, and a mom of three. Basically, the child will want an answer, but a long, drawn out one will be very confusing. I would recommend that the mom says something like," This new place is just for mommies and kids. Daddies are not allowed to live here, but we can still love him and see him at other places. Then, make efforts to do so- dinner out, play dates at the park, etc., or visits outside of the home environment. "Why?" will always be the next question, and it would be fine to say," Those are just the rules here, so we have to follow them." Hope that helps.

Is she going to allow the gentleman to be in the childs life in any manner? If so she should talk to him about initiating "phone moments" given a childs short attention span she won't be on the phone long and this may soothe the seperation. If he is not going to have any contact she can get out a map and use the "he moved far away" excuse... It is very hard when children aren't involved in the break-up so when they are it is so much more intense, my son was very young and we used the phone conversation method... not being there physically, and being young it soon faded... he is very well adjusted and it's been years... it can be tough, but if it's for the best, evrything will be fine with time!

This can be a tricky situation if not handled properly, but if the young man is willing to remain in contact with the child for stability sake then allow him, but only if he can and will be a constant. And as much as we do not want to believe it children are very intelligent and they can bounce back from anything. She is 2 and probably won't remember this man later on in life and if she is separated properly from him will have a good experience later in life because it will have been modeled to her early on by mom.
Now my suggestion is that if he does not remain in her life (the baby) then he be allowed(with supervision and prior discussion) to explain to the child that he will not be coming around any more and that mommy and daddy decided to do different things right now and that he still loves her and will miss her. If the mom is open to allowing her to call him when she wants to talk to daddy and he agrees, leave that line of communication open as well as allowing her to ask questions to him and her mom during the discussion. Children are so resilient and very observant. She will then have had a model of how to handle things, a separation, a break-up, a divorce without the drama and with out bitterness.
If you don't use any of what I have said please take into consideration that what you show her today she will repeat tomorrow in her own life. So be a good example, be a visual teacher and not a verbal teacher only...

Blessings and I'll be praying for you....

Is this a "breakup" or will your daughter and child simply be living apart from her b.f. during this time? If the two of them are committed to continuing the relationship, then all your daughter should say is that the two of them are living where they are right now because she needs to be closer to school to finish her program, and that they will see the man in their lives as often as possible. If daily visits aren't practical, then phone calls can help bridge the time between visits. He can give her a gift, like a stuffed animal, and let her know that when she's missing him, she can give the stuffed animal a hug.

Separations are tough for families. I hope they can tough it out!

The best way to handle this is to be honest from the start. Your daughter would need to have a talk with her daughter and let her know that this is mommy's good friend and he is not her daddy. If this should develop into something more permanent with engagement and marriage ensuing then at that time she could call him daddy. If there should be a breakup of the relationship then your granddaughter would feel worse, thinking that this was her daddy when it is not. Also when she grows up she will want to know who her real father is. Children this young are very smart and she will adjust. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Did you say your daughter is 27? Honestly, your concern for your grandchild is appreciated, however, your daughter is 27. Give her a chance to make the decision. Just be supportive of what she decides and be there if and when your support is needed. Cut the apron strings. She will never learn how to be a good mom if you don't back off and give her the opportunity.
Not trying to be mean, just honest!
Coming from a 39 year old woman with a very overbearing mother. She means well and I love her, don't know what I would do without her, but is very critical of my decisions and always trying to tell me what is best for me and my daughter.

I feel for the toddler. I highly, highly recommend not become involved with anyone when there are childern invovled for the simple reasons some adults can get over the relationship and move on but the children are not mature enough to understand! your daughter needs to reflect on her child and not anyone else. If this man is meant to be, he'll still be in the picture. If not well he was not worth it... Tough out the nursing program... it's great money...

I have watched my niece and my stepsons go through this with their mothers. Although it is not easy, at 3 years old I think your granddaughter will be ok. She will probably ask about him for a week, but after that her new reality will be just that, the norm. If men continue to go in and out of your granddaughter's life then issues will start to arise (my niece has serious relationship/trust issues at 16 years of age), but since this seems to be a one-time thing and she is still so little I wouldn't worry to much. I would just explain to her that mommy is going to school so that she can take good care of her and living in the new apt. is going to allow her to be the best mommy she can.

I know my answer sounds completely different than the previous 3, so obviously this kind of situation has multiple answers. I can only give you my experience from children I know have had to deal with this. It doesn't sound as if your daughter and her boyfriend are breaking up entirely so if this man is not completely taken out her life, then I think she'll be ok with a simple explanation.

My name is L. and I am 27 years old with a 6 year ols little girl and a going on 7 year ols little boy. I have been back in school for the past 2 semeters and I HAD to move back in with my parents to make ends meet. When the kids and I lived by ourselves I was dating a WONDERFUL man who loved my kids more than he loved me, but when I moved back eith mom and dad, who are very strict, I could not see him as much. Even though I have made up my mind that I am going to finsh my eduacation to make my kids life better he had acceptted the fact that what I am doing is going to benifit my family. He accepts the fact that he can not stay over or that he cant see me as much...as for my kids...at first they would ask uestions about why we didnt see him any more or why he didnt come and see THEM. I had to reassure them that now that mommy was going to school we could not do alot of things that we use to, but my kids eventually got over the fact of not being able to see him..Now he is still in my life but any little time i have to see him is when my kids are with their father. Your granddaughter is 3 years old and she may ask for him now but give her about 3 to 4 mor months and she wont worry about him anymore. And if the boyfriend wants to be apart of their lives he has to respect the fact that your daughter needs to have NO distractions and need to focus on her school. If she finishes it will benifit her life, your granddaughter and possibly his....if he plans to stay with her. And if he can not understand that then maybe he is not GOOD enough for your girls...she needs the best support she can get and if he cant be that support she has you!!!

These feeling of abandonment can and will carry over into adulthood for your granddaughter. I suggest counseling. My daughters father, my ex-husband left when she was almost 2. She had a lot of issues in the teenage years because of that. I remarried when she was very young and my husbanc adopted her. The absolutely adore each other and she has always called him daddy. He is really the only daddy she has ever known. BUT just knowing that someone out there did no want you makes a child think it is their fault. Even though that it not exactly what has hapened in her case, she will internalize this and make it her fault. Kids are well known for that. Definately seeking professional help will go a long way to fixing this issue.

The little girl is already 3 yrs old. Don't confuse her about whose her dad. My boyfriend's sister is in a similar situation. She slept with a married man and had her daughter. He has never even seen her and wants nothing to do with her. Then she moved in with another guy when the daughter was 3 and she started calling him "daddy". Things didn't work out with him and now at age 4 the daughter is pretty confused. It is very confusing for children when relationships don't work. Tell your daughter to proceed with caution and not to let her child call this man "daddy" unless they get married and he adopts her. Unstable relationships are confusing for children.

I am assuming that this guy is out of the picture - that was your daughter's choice and I think you should discuss this with her, as it is her daughter who is the issue of concern. Talking about this is the responsible thing to do for your grand-daughter and you are certainly right in being concerned for her. Maybe you can offer positive and responsible suggestions to your daughter - it sounds like she has her hands full right now and is really struggling.

Alli

What is the future relationship between this man and your daughter...obviously she is doing the right thing by taking care of herself. What was the deal with the grades slipping...was she having to work to support the man too? There are a lot of missing variables...did she just break up with him until she gets her degree, or for good? If there is a chance they will be together in the future, maybe he could take the baby on some weekends while your daughter studies, or since he can be around until midnight, he could just visit. Ultimately it is up to your daughter how he fits into the little girls' life...maybe this is an issue she can bring up in her counseling sessions. Good Luck and God Bless.

I think and of course this is strictly my opinion, but of course your daughter needs to go through with the program to keep her life on track because that will affect your granddaughter more than not having a dad. When your granddaughter begins to ask questions at a young age, simple answers work. I dont know when you say dad if you are referring to her biological father or the one she has been dating. Also even without the new schedule what was the future of the man she has been dating, what is the reason for the drop in her grades? Those are much more important questions. I am a single mother of 2 children, a 6 yr old and a 14 mo old and they have differnt dads. My oldest child's father is semi active but my youngest basically has washed all rights away other than pretending to send child support(which doesnt happen very often) I was worried about how i would answer that question for my youngest but it shocked me when my oldest asked where is aiden's dad? Wow, i just explained to her that he is not here. That sufficed and then at one point i explained that sometimes as grown ups people dont want to be mommy or daddys. No more questions. She is curious and I know it will come to a point when he will ask too and I will have to pray and ask god for the words so i don't scar him for life..lol.. no but I will just explain he is in new orleans or wherever i know he is and take it from there.

The rules don't sound too strict- he has till midnight on the weekends and 9 during the week to spend time with the little girl and her mommy, sounds like it should work just fine. She just needs to tell her that with school being hard she needed to move here where they can help her but they will still see 'daddy' often.

your grand daughter will be alright. While it may confuse her right now because she is moving away from the daddy she claims she will get use to it. If the "daddy" is going to stay in her life and mommys than there is really nothing to worry about, they will still have their time together and she will still beable to see him. Maybe you can suggest that the boyfriend help her more with her schooling before she moves out, that may help alot, or maybe you can help her study more.

It was hard for my kids. I was a single mom for 12 years. Last year I moved out of my ex boyfriends house into my own and my son was having troubles with it (he never called him dad or anything but was still having trouble), about 2 months ago I got married to a wonderful man after only knowing him for 7months. My son started calling him daddy by himself before we even thought about getting married. I guess kids have a sence of things that are good for them. Maybe your daughter needs to listen to the little voice coming from her daughter. She maybe having trouble in school because it may not be for her any more.

Theres two ways this could go. Try talking to them and find out what all three of them want. They just maybe able to work things out that will be good for all involved.

I wish ya'll the best of luck.

Have her grades fallen because of the relationship and now she is moving out and breaking up with him because she can't keep her grades up while dating him? I just want to make sure I understand the situation, that is what I took from your post.

I guess my first question/comment would be, your daughter is almost 30 years old, it wouldn't be any different if she were married and going to school so why is it so hard to handle having a live-in boyfriend and going to school at the same time? Does it really require a breakup for her to study and devote time to school? Is the guy just really demanding of her time? I would think if he loves her he would support her getting her education and she could have both in her life...

I feel bad for the little one, I personally don't think you should put your children in a position where they get that attached to people unless you are married to them or planning to marry them. Why would your daughter allow her to call someone daddy that she isn't married to?

The best thing I can suggest is to be very honest with the 3 year old. They comprehend things better than we can imagine. In fact, when my son was 3 my husband and I were going through a very hard time. He is 6 now and he still remembers that time period. Give her the information that is needed. Too much information is not necessary. "He is not your dad" "He loves you, but" "We have to be away from him because..." Short and reassuring.Rest assured,she will make it through. I hope this helps a little.