How to Handle a Saftey Issue W/tact?

I didn't read all the responses, so I don't know if someone mentioned this already.
Go to YouTube and type "Kyle Miller five point harness" in the search. Send that first video to her that is titled "Importance of a 5-Point Harness Carseat."
She will change her mind in an instant after seeing that. Be warned though, that video will make you cry.

Honestly not only is it not safe, but I don't think it is legal. Google carseat laws in Illinois to see what you can find. If anything she might respond if she thinks she will get a big fat ticket.

The most you can do is inform her of the law here (30lbs, 38" for a booster that uses the car's shoulder strap). Also, consider that she might be unable to afford a better seat. Maybe you can help her out financially if that's the problem.

I am a research person, too and have some similar issues with my SIL (she had a baby the same year I did only she was 16 and I was 34) who picked a car seat solely based on which one matched the inside of the car the best. Luckily, she will take advice without getting defensive so I feel comfortable telling her why I chose whatever and to look up some info.

Dear Christine,
The fact is, this is not your business. It's great that you are a planner/researcher. I'm sure that trait has served you well in many ways. But don't allow that really good trait to expand into something not so good- like wanting to control other people's decisions. Your sister in law is the authourity in her child's life, and she is the one who is responsible- not you. If she asks for advice, give it with a smile. If not, bite your tongue and try to smile anyway!

I agree with Teresa and Lisa R; it's her child and her life and the way she raises them should not be your concern. I think you should not say anything and mind your own business. If she wanted your opinion, she would have asked you for it. We just moved my 3yr old into a hi-back booster because the 5pt carseat we have doesn't fit her properly anymore. She's fine in it, and legal.

Unless you want to start an argument, I'd drop it. It's clear from the way she responded to you that she's not open to discussion. And based on the way you responded to her she knows you don't approve. Anything beyond what you have already said to her is going to be taken as you picking on her (even if done "with tact"). I also wouldn't use the You Tube video that others suggested. If she's already adamant, scare tactics aren't going to work.

I moved my son into the high-backed booster at 2 years for many reasons, but made sure he met the height and weight requirements. I realize not every parent is going to make this decision, but it was an informed decision on my part and I know I would not have appreciated someone trying to "scare" or "inform" me into changing that decision. The point is, you are likely starting an argument which probably is not going to have the desired outcome, but will put you and her at odds from here on out.

I think you should not say anything and mind your own business. Its her child and her life and the way she raises them should not be your concern. I have to deal with a SIL who likes to put her 2 cents in all the time regarding my children and it has made me dislike her because she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut and comments to herself. Just raise your kids the way you want to, and let her raise her children the way she wants.

That is a tough one! It is a near no win situation! I would either buy her a 5pt harness seat for Christmas or drop it. Maybe talk to her hubby, but it would be hard for any well meaning advice not be recieved as preachy...sorry! It would be their problem...not yours. And I myself have a hard time accepting that most of the time.

I would address your concerns with your brother. Then, if he chooses against the safety situation, then it is a parental decision.

Second, you mentioned in your post that your SIL doesn't consult you (and you are the researcher). I wouldn't get hurt by that. Soemtimes folks want to do things on their own adn not feel like "you" are the "expert" on things. As you develop your relationship and closeness, that's when you will find that she will seek your opinion.

Good luck!
J.

I wouldn't say anything again. Its her child and her choice. How ever I call the cops on ANYONE I see when they don't have a child in the proper seats. Its a simple call and they will never know who you are-but maybe a police officer telling her will do the trick. Oh and FYI-they usually get a warning ticket that they have to buy the proper chair in 30 days and prove it or they get a real ticket. I have personally called in friends and family members, and TONS of strangers. But then I'm a nurse so I see what car accidents can do to little ones.

Let it go. Why drive yourself crazy trying to micromanage the lives of others? I'm with you 100% about the lack of judgment on her part, I agree with you and I follow the same guidelines for child safety seats, but it looks like she has her mind set given the "pretty quick with the comeback" comment you made. Maybe there's a reason why she "doesn't touch base with (you) about much kid-wise."

Right or wrong, looks like she has her mind set. It would be like having a CIO advocate trying to convince an attachment parenting advocate that they're wrong, or a mother who uses formula trying to convince a lactivist who breastfed her baby til they were 4 that they're wrong (note, clearly your issue is one of safety and legality whereas the other two are preferences, but I think you get my point).

Wow! Lots of responses and strong opinions. I agree that pushing the issue would cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your sister-in-law. And for the most part, you should let her raise her daughter the way she sees fit. BUT, if it were me, I would call the police and tell them about the situation. Most cops have kids themselves and do not want to see a dead or injured 2-year old who was not in the proper carseat. I'd bet if you gave them her license plate and told them where she is driving, they would be willing to pull her over and ticket her. And she wouldn't have to know that you called the police.

I know that sounds evil, and yes, none of use even wore seatbelts growing up, but drivers today are much worse than they were when we grew up, there are so many more cars on the road, and we drive more than we ever did before. I know some of your respondents will be incensed that I even suggested that, but they would feel differently if they ever lost a child in a car accident. I'm glad you're concerned about your niece's safety.

With all due respect, I have to agree with MR. This isn't your battle to fight. I would bet that once she puts the child in the seat shortly thereafter she will find its not the right seat for her causing all sorts of inconveniences (like Nina O mentioned) such as the child won't nap was well, will fiddle with the latch, not able to "trap" the child when you run into the house to find that little something that you forgot etc. Sometimes it better to keep our opinions to ourselves.

EDIT: You mentioned in your post that your sister in law has other kids than the 2 year old child. Older? If so, I presume that she had encountered the transition to various car seats before including boosters. It would be curious to know what steps she took at that time. Even still, I would not say anything especially if she has older kids. She should know the "proper and legal way" and its her decision on how to proceed. Just my 2 cents.

I understand your concern but think it's not your place to bring it up again. She clearly knows how you feel since she had responses to your comments. Her kid, her decisions. You're a great aunt for being concerned, maybe she'll think about it.

FYI, our daughter is going to be 4 in Jan. I bought her one of the seats your SIL has even though we have a 5pt for her - not even sure why I switched...within a short time I put her back in the 5pt for a few reasons 1) It is much safer 2) If she does fall asleep it supports her head 3) She can see out the windows much easier. Maybe she'll notice the same things...

Good luck!

all parents make decisions for our kids that we feel as best even though others may not. I don't feel it is your place to shove your feelings down her throat. If that was the case, I wouldn't speak to many friends or family members b/c I have different views about the way they are raising their kids, but it doesn't necessarily mean I am right. I say bite your tongue and drop it as it is not your business

She's your sis-in-law. I assume there's a brother in there somewhere. You might try him.. Explain the difference in Quality..and there's the possiblity these days.. they may have money problems you are unaware of, and are simply doing the best they can.
Unfortunatley.. you are reponsible for your kids..but can't butt in on others.. Hang in there.. maybe find a good one on line that you can purchase for them? ( It's a gift giving time of year now anyway)

I agree with the law and safety aspect of the problem. My client's son got a $300 ticket for not having a 3-4 year old child in a car seat. He was driving a couple of blocks in DuPage County, helping out his mother's friend, whose car broke down. The police did not give any 30 day warning. In addition to the $300 there are also court fees etc. So a proper car seat is cheaper. And your nice is only 2, still a long way to go for the seat SIL bought. Do show her the law, she can get myriad of tickets, depending on her attitude if she gets pulled over, the cop could also bring in DCFS per child endangerement if he really wants to b/c niece is only 2, even more dangerous than if niece was 3.5 already.

I believe with the clear and serious safety issue at hand that you should say something. Print out what the nurse wrote and hand it to you sil. To me, this is beyond some annoyance or ignorance. She should know the risks and the law, so why she is choosing such a dangerous route is a mystery to me. Forget tact, tell her the law and the facts. This is your niece's life. I would not be able to forget about it either. Some things we leave alone and others are just too important to ignore.

It ultimately is your sil decision but I feel like this is a big safety issue. I would strongly tell her that the booster isn't going to keep her daughter safe in any sort of car accident. To be in a high back booster the child needs to be 30 lbs. and to be in a booster without a back at all I believe they have to be 40lb. if she doesn't meet the height or weight requirement she needs to spend the little extra money for her daughter's safety.

Well as most others have said they agree with how you feel and I am most certainly in agreement 100%. My 4 1/2 yr old daughter is still in a 5 point even though she is old enough not to be. If i had my way she would be in one till I kick off!!!! But on the flip side of this it is hard to tell others what to do with their kids even when it is a safety issue (have had my own personal experience with "safety issues" with my own sister) I would go online and print out articles of accidents where the children or killed or badly hurt and approach your brother and say I don't want to meddle I know these are your kids but I have to bring this up again and hopefully he can go to his wife as if it was his idea. But be prepared he might be pissed off and so might his wife. I don't think that there truly is a way to approach the subject again with tact with you SIL. And I have to say you are a GREAT AUNT to care enough to bring it up even once much less come here to try to get advice!!!!

I understand your concern. I have been in similar situations specifically in regard to carseats and some people that don't use them correctly. Unfortunately though, all you can do is bring it up once. Once you do, they know your feelings. If you knew before you talked to her what she had done, you could have armed yourself with info/resources for her to check out but you can't really recreate that moment. You could continue to push it but I think that would probably create a tense and uncomfortable situation for everyone. I personally just let it go. Some people have to learn things the hard way.

Hi Christine,

You should absolutely not let this go. Keeping a child in the proper seat until the right age/weight/height is one of the most important safety measures you can take. With all the accidents on the road, anything could happen. Not only do pediatricians recommend it, the law MANDATES it. It is againt the law to not have your child properly restrained. A child must be in a car seat with a 5 pt harness until they are 4 years old. They must be in a booster seat until they are 8 years. I would just tell her that you can't let this one slide, and you feel she is endangering her child. Let her know about the law. It's amazing how many people are not aware of these car seat laws. I just had to advise a friend about the booster seat law when she wanted me to drive her son home from school w/out a seat. If she still doesn't agree, I would research the stats on fatal accidents where a child has not been restrained and provide her with the info. If her child means anything to her, she should wake up and get the proper seat.

I'd handle it from what does Illinois law say?

In Illinois a child between the ages of 1-4 needs to be in a: "Convertible seat used forward-facing, forward-facing only seat or high-back booster with internal harness." It does not mean when they hit 40 pounds they can automatically come out of this seat. They need to be in it until age 4. If there are doubts, they can contact the "Safety" officer of their local law enforcement office who handles child safety seat checks in their area.

For more info about the laws in Illinois:
http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments/drivers/pro...

Hope it helps.

J.

Tell her it is illegal. She can get a ticket, seriously. The police know the laws about child safety seats and a shoulder belt cannot be used unless the child is at least 30 lbs AND 38" or more AND at least 3 years old. I am (reluctantly) switching my daughter to a shoulder belt because she is about 42" tall and the 5-point harness will not fit her properly anymore. She is almost 4. If your SIL will not listen due to safety concerns - maybe she will listen to monetary concerns. She could possibly get fined for child endangerment - it is not anything to be messing with. Good luck!

While I agree you probably shouldn't bring it up again, if it were me it would drive me crazy knowing that baby is in danger. You could try approaching it from the angle that the law says she has to be in an approved safety seat at her age/size and the mom will get a ticket if she gets caught- that will make up for the difference in cost. If she is in Illinois here is a link to the Illinois law: http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments/drivers/pro...

There is an excellent utbue video taht even police offcers use to show the safetly of a 5 point harness . i woudl e-mail it to her and just tell her befroe seh opens the box for ehr booster to please watch and then let it go at that
find this video doea anyone have it?
J.

I think it's great that you are concerrned for your neice's well-being, but that being said, it is her choice what she wants for her children whether you agree with it or not. It's not like she's letting her ride without any safety device. Also, am I safe to assume this is your brother's wife? Maybe you could talk to him about it. I will tell youu my own personal experience was this. My daughter was out of a five point at two, because her pediatrician said it would be fine at her check up, due to her size. She was 36lbs. at the time and 37 inches tall. My son was out by three for the same reason. Both approved by there doctor saying it was time because they had both the weight and the height to make it safe. I think it's great that you have done the research for your own children, and I think it's great that if that is what you feel best about doing for them then you should do it, but perhaps this is what your SIL feels is best for her child. If this is your husband's sister, or your brother's wife, and you broach this with either one of them, be prepeared to be told to mind your own business. Plenty of kids have done just fine without 5 points, and look we didn't even have them growing up, and we made it. Hang in, and tread lightly where matters of in-laws are concerned, and be prepared to hear things you may not want to hear. Good luck in you decision.

You are right to be concerned about the welfare of your niece and the state is too. It is against the law to not have a 2 year old in a car seat. She risks getting ticketed and having DCFS become involved. Maybe if she is aware of that she will think twice. You could always tell your brother "I have a friend, and this is what happened to her ..." to make it a bit easier to talk him.

While I can certainly agree that the 5-point harness offers the most safety for a child, especially a 2 year old who should still be in a convertable car seat anyway, you need to let this mother make her own choices. One point I would add is that finding a carseat for an older child that is affordable and also has a 5-point harness is near-impossible. Our 3.5 year old is still in his convertable seat, but he's almost too heavy for it, and we simply cannot afford to buy the seats with the 5-point harness (esp. since we need one for each vehicle). I guess the real question here is why the lower priced carseat makers aren't making seats for older toddlers with 5-point harnesses? There should be some pressure here from doctors and parents, demanding this need. I have friends who put their 2 year old in a booster seat and think it's safe! All I said was something like, are you sure that this child weighs enough AND is old enough for a booster? They obviously didn't agree with me....

Christine, Iam also like you. It just drives me crazy when people dont take child carseat safty issues serouisly. I cant even tell you how many times I have gotten behind cars where children are just jumping around in the car when mom is driving. I will get on my cell and call the police and follow that car till the police pull that car over. Some people say Iam mean, but I say Iam protecting those kids. I have even gotten a mini van pulled over for it being overloaded with teens before. There where kids in the way back, where you would put like a stroller or groceries etc. No I dont go out looking for this lol, but If I see it, yes I report it because it is the safety of our children. As far as your SIL, really she is going to do what she wants. Which is really scarey because of your niece and her safety. But your SIL thinks she is right and she isnt going to change, but like someone else said maybe a big fat ticket will change her. Good Luck to you.

I really believe that you have to say something because a booster provides no crash protection at all. It just raises the child high enough so that the seat belt won't strangle them.

It's not that I normally am a busy-body, but we lost a young cousin in a car accident (not because of a seat belt) and maybe I'm just sensitive to the possibilities of one bad decision. But everything I've read says harness until they're 40 lbs.

How to do it tactfully? I'm not sure - if it were me I'd probably send a link to one of the websites you did your research from and say "I was really surprised to find out that we aren't supposed to use boosters until our kids are 4 years old or 40 lbs! Thought this might interest you, too."

Edit - oh, I re-read your question and I see you already did bring it up. I agree with others, send the message to your brother. Or give her someone else's used 5-point harness car seat (ask around - I've never had a problem finding extras at garage sales and from friends.)

You are right to be concerned, and shouldn't let it go. When you say something to her, be confident that you have the law to back you up: http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments/drivers/pro...

The state of Illinois requires a child between the ages of 1-4 and 20-40lbs be in a convertible seat or high-back booster with a harness. Only children 4yrs/40lbs & up may be in the type of seat she is using. To have her two-year-old in anything less not only is endangering her child, but against the law.

As for telling her, since she is the type the doesn't like to be told (especially when she seems to know she's in the wrong already), you shouldn't worry about how she will react, because it seems she responds negatively no matter what. So you have your choice of a negative reaction vs. a negative reaction. Approach the subject gently, but firmly, and don't beat around the bush - "The state law requires children up to age 4 and 40lbs to be in a seat with a harness." You could even go at it in the way of, "I'd hate for you to get in trouble if you got pulled over." Saying it like you are concerned for her may take the "you're a bad mommy" sound out of it. It seems as if she's feeling guilty about taking the lazy/cheap way out, since she's already defensive and justifying the decision.

When you talk to her, I recommend you have a printout of the law with you, but only for back-up in case she gets mad, argues or just insists she's right. Again, don't even take her reaction into consideration - be prepared for the worst, but approach her expecting the best. She's on the defensive, so she's going to react in whatever way she wants no matter how you go about it, but just always keep in mind her daughter's safety is what's most important.

Good luck to you!

I am definitely like you and research everything but not everyone is like us and that is just the way it is. I like you find it hard to float that stuff off but it is what we have to do. You can give her maybe once the info on car seat stuff but if she wants to use a less safe version that is her decision and you should just let it go. I am sure there are things that you do that she thinks are foolish. We all have different ways of rearing our children. Personally, my research showed that the Britax Boulevard with side impact protection were the safest - of course they were the most expensive at around $299. I got one on a discount website for maybe $220 but still it was expensive and I got two as I and one other drive my little one around. But I am sure others might prioritize differently.

I would suggest that you talk to you brother, SIL's husband. Tell him your concerns and ask him not to tell his wife that the advice came from you. If your your brother tells her that he feels the baby should still be in a 5 point harness, she may be more likely to change her mind. I would definitly ask him not to tell her that you had brought up the car seat situation again. I find it easier to talk to my brother about these things than my SIL.

It is a sticky situation. I completely agree with you on the issue, but I just can't see a way to bring it up with out ticking someone off. What I can tell you is that in IL, a child needs to be in a 5 pt. until at least 3. Otherwise the driver faces traffic fines. Also, I know of a video on youtube that is about a little boy who died while in a booster because when the car was in a collision, his seatbelt released and he flew out of the car. Can't for the life of me remember the name of the video, but I'm sure you could search for it. Maybe email it to your SIL. Good Luck with this one!

Tell her she will get a ticket if she gets pulled over with her baby in that seat. Also, she could be charged with child endangerment & neglect. Maybe that will wake her up. Also, I disagree with the people who say mind your own business, in this case anyway. An improper car seat is no different than drunk driving - both put the child at risk. If your SIL was driving drunk, wouldn't you say something?

Wow, you're just like me! I am TOTALLY the researcher! I love being fully informed on everything.

So I understand how it irks you to see other people who are NOT like that. I get upset with my husband who has a daughter (7) and some of the things he does—or doesn't do. I realized that not everyone is like me, and it doesn't take any special license or education to be a parent.

And I'm like you...a champion for the child's safety. But that raises some hair in some parents, who ARE doing their best and don't want my advice...no matter how researched it is.

So...I have found that the best tactic is to validate and make the other person right...and tell them without telling them what I think they should do.

For example, you could first tell your SIL how glad you are she bought a seat for her kid, because you knew (or read) about parents who don't put their kids in a seat at all! Then find out where she got the "deal" on the seat because you definitely are interested in one just like it for your child. But of course you know that it's the law that your kid be in a 5-point seat until the age of 3 so you haven't thought about it yet. And 5 point seats work so well for YOUR child because they are much safer and you've heard horror stories about kids who aren't in a 5-point seat.

The whole idea is keep it about your kid, not about her kid so she's not wrong for what she's doing with her kid. And validate what she did do. This way she never has to admit you are right (something no one likes to do) and she can "save face" by purchasing the 5-point seat and pretending she knew all along about the law.

This totally works! I've gotten much further with this tactic than making the other person feel wrong...even if it is tactful.

Keep up your researching! You're doing great!