How to Comfort Someone Who's Had a Miscarriage

This is very hard on both of you. My best friend had her first child the day I found out I had my second miscarriage. For a few months, we thought we would have kids just months apart! I know it was hard on her to share all about the pregnancy and her new baby when she knew what I was going through. But now I have a wonderful son and she has been a great mommy mentor to me because she has been through it! In the end, just continue to be there for each other and be respectful of each others feelings.

16 years ago, I had my son. The next day, my sister-in-law lost the baby girl she was carrying. She was 4 and a half months along. It was very hard for her. We were in the same hospital and she had to go through labor. The baby lived for 1 second. The next day,I went down to see her in her room. We embraced and cried. I told her how sorry I was. We talked. I was just there for her. That's all she needed. It took her a few weeks before she could come see my son, and I totally understood. About a year later, she had a baby boy. Time mostly heals. Just be there for her.

E., this is so thoughtful for you to think of your cousin, and to reach out for ways to comfort her. I belong to an online community of women who have lost children and gone on to be blessed by living ones. One of the best things I saw posted on our site was this letter written by a woman about loss, and the things that she wished people would say/not say during this difficult time. I am sharing it below as I think everyone has a friend who has suffered a loss, and most don't know how to relate or comfort that person.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

*Don't say, ""It's God's Will."" Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

*Don't say, ""It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby."" The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

*Don't say, ""You can always have another one."" Or "You’re still young." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, ""Where's the fork?"" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

*Don't say, ""Be grateful for the children you have."" If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

*Don't say, ""At least you weren’t further along."" I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

*Don't say, ""Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?"" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

*Don't say, ""Now you have an angel watching over you."" I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

*Don't say, ""I understand how you feel."" Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

*Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

*Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, ""Before the baby died"" or ""when I was pregnant"" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Please let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

*Don't say, ""It's not your fault."" It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

*Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

~Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me

My cousin and I experienced this. I was pregnant with my first and she with her second when she miscarried at 5 months. I was overwhelmed with emotions for her loss and worried for myself. She was a constant supporter for me. We used a lot of e-mail to stay in touch with my pregnancy and she was in the delivery room for my daughter's birth. We then asked her to be the baby's Godmother.

I had two miscarriages in between my second and third children. And though I felt disappointed and sad, I wasn't distraught. Let your cousin know you are there for her to talk if she wants. I think my cousin and I grew closer from her miscarriage and now we share all sorts of parenting info. It's nice to be connected to family and neither one of us has a sister, so we have each other. We too, are now separated by three states but use e-mail and the phone to stay in touch.

My good friend lost a baby when I was pregnant with my son. I did feel a little guilty/awkward around her since my pregnancy was going well. But the best things you can do are to let her know that you care and that you are sad for her loss. You probably know her well enough to know what she finds comforting. My friend didn't want to hear "It's God Plan" or "It's for the best"--she just wanted her loss acknowledged. Also, you could send something like flowers or a fruit arrangement for when she gets back from the hospital. And probably the best thing is to give her opportunities to talk about her feelings and her experience. She probably will feel a little uncomfortable talking about it with you especially since you are expecting--just let her know that you are willing to listen.

Dear E.:

I can tell you what NOT to say: DON'T say 'you can always have another child', or 'God knows best' or 'it's nature's way of ending a 'defective' pregnancy', or ANYTHING along those lines.

Simply offer her sympathy and a simple 'I'm very sorry for your loss'. Because it IS a loss.

God bless,
Pam

E.,
my twin sister had a miscarriage a few years back..it was sooo hard to say and do the right things. I think the post from Ashley is wonderful...wish I'd had that back then. Just remember that your cousin is going to have a hard time looking at your growing baby...it's not you, but she may distance herself from you for awhile...let her have that luxury.
My sister was so devistated by the lack of good support and info on this subject that she wrote a book and started a website called " hopexchange.com" for support and information. Feel free to send her there for info and forums.
My sister did tell me the best supportive comment she was told came from me(to my suprise)..and it was simply" I cant imagine how you feel...all I can do is be here for you".
Keep her in your prayers and only talk about your baby if she brings it up; she may not be ready to for awhile.
Blessings,
L.

I have been on both ends of this. My sister in law miscarried while I was pregnant with my oldest daughter then I miscarried while she was pregnant with her youngest son.

The best I can suggest is to be there for her, let her talk if she wants to and only talk to her about your pregnancy if she broaches the subject first. If you can get her a gift cert for a spa or just to get her nails done, so she can pamper herself.

You really just need to follow your cousin's cues.

I know one lady who lost multiple pregnancies to miscarriage and while she was sad about them, she was resigned that it was God's will. She got pregnant the following month in both cases and things went back to her being pregnant.

Other people, just want their loss acknowledged.

The reality is that she will likely get pregnant again fairly soon and then she will be a little skittish until she gets past the point where she lost this one.

She won't want to hear it now, but the loss of one pregnancy is not an indicator of problems in pregnancies to follow. It is most often nature and bad luck.

My best friend and I were about four weeks apart in our pregnancies. Although her miscarriage was earlier than your cousins, I know the feelings of guilt and helplessness. What I did, along with a few other friends, was get her and her husband a gc to a hip new restaurant so they could have a romantic evening. it was just a little gesture to let her know that we were thinking about her and for the couple to enjoy their time together because it is so rare to get those nights once the kids are around.
my friend also was comforted to know how common it is. people don't talk about miscarriages until it happens, then all the stories come out. she was pregnant four months later and now has a beautiful, healthy baby. give her the gift of optimism. it is devastating to lose a pregnancy, but everything happens for a reason and our bodies bounce back quickly. i hope this helps.

I had a miscarriage when I was in my 20's and the way I looked at back then and to this day was that it just wasn't meant to be. I felt that God had his reasons. In my mind and this was the only way I could deal with it. I just told myself that God took my baby because I wasn't ready or maybe there was something wrong and he didn't want the child to suffer. ect. Tell your cousin that in your own words. There isn't a whole lot you can do. She will be ok in time. She tell her to think positive and there will be another chance. Maybe God is getting more prepared. Try to help her see it in a positive since. Thats the best I can suggest. Thats how I tried to see it. I was with the guy for 4 1/2 years and now we aren't together. There are alot of reasons why she wasn't able to carry it. No one really knows why miscarriages happen. Is she married or with a boyfriend? How old is she? I am just trying to get an idea thats all. I hope my info. has helped in some way.
S.

Hi E...

I have been pregnant 5 times. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage at around 13 weeks. My second was my 5 year old born at 41 weeks. My third resulted in miscarriage at 11 weeks. My fourth died at birth at 34 weeks. My fifth was my 2 year old born at 35 weeks. Miscarriage is a tragic loss of life that should absolutely be mourned. There is nothing that you can say that will make anything better or easier for your cousin. You should be there for her and do everything in your power to comfort her in whatever way you can or in whatever way she needs. That said, you CANNOT feel guilty about your own pregnancy. You are bringing an amazing life into this world. As sad as your cousin is, she loves you and she is overwhelmed with joy for you. You are going to be a fabulous Mom and your son is going to be the light of your life. Congratulations to you!!!

K. - SAHM of 2 boys

My son is now 20 years old, but when I became pregnant with him it was with much excitement. He is our third child but each child was very much wanted. My sister announced 10 days after I found out I was pregnant that she was pregnant with her first child. We enjoyed our pregnancies and enjoyed dreaming of our children being close. Her baby was born early but was stillborn. It was a lose for both of us. We continue to speak of her son and what life would be like if he had been given the opportunity to live. The emotions were very sad for us during that time and when my sister visited my baby boy for the first time we held each other and cried. My advice is for you not to shut your cousin out and allow her to enjoy your baby. Life has been good for my sister and she later had a beautiful girl that has been the delight of her life.

E. ~

It's important to acknowledge your cousin's sorrow and express your heartfelt regret that this very sad thing has happened to her and her family. Sometimes just saying "I know there's nothing I can say that will take your pain away or lessen the sadness right now," is enough. If you are able to offer to be there for her (a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on),and to listen if she wants to verbalize how she feels, that may be all you can do right now. It's important that she not feel isolated and alone, especially after the D & C when your body (& hormones) feel so out of sync. You need to be aware that it may be hard for her to be around you right now, too. Time will take care of that. Just remember for her, grief puts on a new face every day. Take your cues from that and you will find the words and deeds that comfort her.

Blessings~
C.

Hi, E.. First, congratulations on your pregnancy!! Please do enjoy it (and let your cousin enjoy it with you) and don't feel guilty. Feel joy and happiness and thanks that you and your baby are doing so well. It took me years and years and years to get pregnant (I was 42)only to have a miscarriage at around 12 weeks. I was devastated. People don't realize (and that included me until I had a miscarriage) how attached you get even that early on. My sister had had a miscarriage and after I experienced mine, I called her to apologize for my words and actions -- not that they were mean or trivial, but because when that happens to you nothing can comfort or console you and even though people mean well and think that telling you "It's for the best," "You'll have another one," etc., it so does not even come close to what you need and is definitely not what you want to hear even though you know in your heart that it is true. The best thing for you to do is tell her how sorry you are and just be there and listen to her if she needs you. My other sister (I have four) announced her pregnancy shortly after my miscarriage and, even though it was hard, it did give me hope that I would have that same joy one day. And you know what, I did. I gave birth to twin girls six months after my sister delivered her son. Good luck to you and your cousin.

Please don't try to make sense of it for her. don't ever say It's God's will, comfort thru some obscure scripture that would mean it was her fault or for heaven's sake don't say " you can always have more ...because she will never have this one baby. Allow her time to grieve in her own way. It has been 21 yrs since my baby boy was stillborn. I think of him and we celebrate his birthday every year. I have 6 other children. It in no way takes away my love or my loss of my sweet William. My dear friend was pregnent at the same time we were due the same month. It was a comfort to me to know that another baby was safe and healthy. My sister in law was afraid to tell me she was pregnant. I had a dream that she was. So i called her and asked...I rejoiced with her and we were okay. Give her time she will have joy again.
mj

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks with my first pregnancy and had to have a D&C. For my second pregnancy, my daughter died 1-2 days after my due date (I was in labor for 3 days) and I had to deliver her stillborn. As a mother who has had two tragic losses, I can tell you the best thing is to just tell your cousin "I'm sorry and I'm here for you". The biggest key is acknowledging your cousin's baby, talk about him/her or let your cousin talk about the baby if that's their wish. Do not pretend it never happened and do not avoid her. Keep in regular contact with her.

I had "friends" drop off the map when I lost my daughter and I can tell you that I will NEVER forget who they were and our friendship was significantly altered or ended. I had friends, co-workers, family members, etc also say some of the stupidest comments to me--I'm sure they all meant well, but they stung deeply. Even when I was pregnant with my third pregnancy I had people tell me "it'll be all ok now that you've passed 20 weeks" to which I flatly responded "Really? My daughter died at 40 weeks, 1 day." Anyways, my son was born healthy and is such a precious gift to us. I'm pregnant now for the fourth time and I can tell you that it's still harder than ever. I'm only 5 weeks along but I can honestly say I'm very guarded--there are so many milestones to reach before I'll exhale. If/When your cousin is pregnant again, reach out to her because it's going to be a scary ride.

I've suffered through a miscarriage due to an ectopic pregnancy, so I can speak from experience on this subject. After my miscarriage and surgery to remove the fetus, neither of my close cousins even called me!! I was so hurt and angry over their lack of concern, that I rarely speak to them anymore. Don't let that be you!! Just be there for her and be a good listener. Your cousin is probably not looking to you to say the right things to make her feel better, because there really isn't anything you can say to truly ease her pain. I think the best thing to do is let her talk about her hurt. My husband was grieving and sad over our loss, and what I really needed was just someone to talk about the whole experience with...someone to just listen. If she's not ready to talk about it (and she might not be for a while!), a nice gesture like flowers or a lunch out (or take-out at home) would be a great way to show you care and that you're thinking about her. If you can make the 400 mile trip, a visit would probably be greatly appreciated! Hope this helps :)

I agree with the other posters.

The only thing I'll add is that since you're probably doing most of your interactions through phone and email, make a serious effort to *not* talk about your pregnancy.

Not for ever, but perhaps wait until she asks you how you're doing or your plans for the nursery, etc. You give her the time and space to reach her own accommodation with the fact that you won't be having kids at the same time (something I'm sure you were both excited about.)

It's good practice anyways, to keep your brain active on other topics besides motherhood stuff! = )

By the time you get to about 35 weeks, if she hasn't mentioned it, that would be the time to casually bring up something, ask her opinion on a name or something else little, that she can choose to answer quickly and get back to another topic, or dwell on it and really get into it with you. Treat the fact that you are having your baby matter-of-factly, not with any kind of guilt complex and you should both be fine.

Good luck!

Time and Patience. However, this could cause a rift between you even if you do not want it to. I had a friend who had her baby a couple days after mine. Then a about 2 weeks later she loster her baby to SIDS. My daughter was fine. It was very difficult for her to even just talk to me. I was a constant reminder of her loss. Eventually we drifted apart and lost contact. It suckeds. Hopefully because you are family that will not happen. Time... Patience... Prayer too. You may have to choose other friends to share most of your excitement with for now. She needs time to grieve. No one knows how long her process of grieving will take. Do your best to be her friend. It will be a challenge for both of you to get beyond this experience. She might be the type of person who can grieve over her loss and then be happy for others. She might not be. I wish you the best of luck with this and with your pregnancy. God Bless

I just had a miscarriage myself a few weeks ago so let me explain it from your cousin's perspective. I have 4 children and found out that I was expecting again. I was actually just starting to get over the shock when I found out I was carrying twins but they had no heartbeat. I then had to carry them an additional week (because I didn't miscarry naturally) and also had to have a D&C on top of the overall process. It is extremely difficult for a woman to deal with such an experience especially when there are family and friends that are around you that are pregnant. I have family and coworkers who are now pregnant and we had talked about our children playing together. You want to be happy for the person that's pregnant but you are clouded by your own grief and saddness.

ALthough you are right to be grateful and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy just remember not to take it personally if she is not receptive to you at this time. She is going through a grieving process right now and unless you have ever experienced something like this yourself...nothing you can say right now could make her feel good about her loss. She also may not feel like talking right now to you or anyone else.

Just continue to stand by her and pray for her. Give her some time to process the situation and eventually she will feel comfortable enough to come to you and eventually enjoy your moment. Also realize that she may not want to burden you because she doesn't want to "rain on your parade". She STILL is happy for you even if she can't show it right now.

I will also tell you that during this process for me I have heard A LOT of STUPID comments from people (including from my own family). People who mean well but just don't know that words (even well meaning ones) can be taken as insulting and condescending. If you don't think you can find the right words then it might be best to wait. If all else fails then tell her you love her and you will always be there for her however she needs you to be during her time of grieving.

Good luck to you and to her! My prayers are with you both!

Hi E.,

Listen to what she has to say and allow her to verbalize her grief over the loss.

A listening ear is the best medicine.

You are a kind person to care about your cousin's feelings.

God Bless you. D.

Hi E.,
I haven't read all of the responses, so I don't know if this is a repeat approach... my advice is to let her control the topic. Let her cry, don't say anything, just be there for her. Let her know that she is not alone.

2 years ago, I found out that I was pregnant,unplanned, and started having complications almost immediately. I ended up miscarrying at 10 weeks. I was devistated. What made it more difficult, was that my husband had been so happy he had gone out and told the world about the pregnancy, but not about the loss. For weeks I had people coming up to give me congrats. I already had a child so I had to keep functioning, but would cry in my private time. To top it off, shortly afterward, we attended a family reunion where there were 2 new babies. It was the hardest thing to go through. I sat as far away from them as possible, but it was still hard becuase everyone's focus was on the new babies. My doctor told me to be patient, and that this happened becuase the baby just wasn't right. Sure enough, a few months later I was pregnant again, but this time we didn't tell a sole until after the first sonogram results.

My advice for you is to enjoy your pregnancy, they truely are fragile miracles. However, when talking to your cousin, do not bring the topic up. Let her bring it up, and then keep your response short. Let her set comfort limits. Don't be offended if she's stand-offish or doesn't want to talk about certain things. Its actually harder then it sounds. When we are pregnant, its all we want to talk about, and when we are hurting, the last thing we want to talk about.

When women at work found out, I was amazed at the # of them that stopped by to tell me their stories of loss.
Some advice that they gave me.
1. At 3 months, she may have already bought things. She could put them in a keepsake box.
2. She could write a letter to the baby.
3. She could use your baby as a 'recipient' baby. What that means is that whenever she gets the urge to just go buy something for the baby, she could by it for your baby. This one helped me. I joined Operation Top Knot, they supply baby things for military moms.

Just some thoughts.Best Wishes.
M.

Hey E.,

I have been pregnant 5 times. My 1st and 3rd were miscarriages at 3 and 5 months. My second was my daughter (10), my 4th and 5th pregnancies were my sons (3 and 7). The first miscarriage was hard because I had no other children and the 2nd was hard because I did have a child and was far enough along to start planning. It is hard period... we mourn the loss of what could have been. I did feel jealous and sometimes bitter when others were pregnant or had babies. That got better. Just tell your cousin that you are sorry. If she doesn't share your excitement for your pregnancy... she probably does... but, it is too hard to show it. Just don't cease contact. Be yourself! And congrats... I had my first child at 30 and my 3rd at 37. It is a fun ride!

E.,

Having had three miscarriages myself, there are somethings that really helped and somethings that didn't. I am not sure if this is your cousin's first child or not but the bottom line is that it doesn't matter. I already had three children when I had my first miscarriage and some people actually said that it must not be that big of deal since I already had kids. They were dead wrong. Secondly, don't be afraid to ask her how she is doing. She can let you know if she doesn't want to talk about it. Many people don't know how to respond so they don't say anything. That feels like others don't care and "I am the only one in the world going through this." Don't take it personally if your cousin has a hard time with the birth of your own son. For me, even walking through the store and seeing all the baby things, which I had to do regularly because I still had kids in diapers, seeing pregnant mama's and so forth was really hard, as was attending baby showers--especially those whose babies were born near the time my babies would have been born. I eventually ended up getting pregnant with a girl, then had two miscarriages (one that almost killed me) and then two healthy pregnancies. Yes, your math is right--I have 6 kiddos here on earth and three in heaven that I miscarried.

Please feel free to email me if you have more questions.

HI, congrats on your pregnancy...best wishes...I am a mother of 5 boys..24,17,12,9,6..between boy 2 and three I had a miscarriage in my 6th month (A GIRL)..had to give birth and watch her die in my arms...it took a LONG time to getter over the emotional trauma...the best thing you can do for your friend is...Let her cry, cry, cry, scream, scream ,scream...and reassure her that it is normal and you would feel and do the same thing...worst thing you can do is make her feel like she is bothering you or you are tired of hearing it...she wil slowly get over it and slowly stop talking about it(never will she forget though)...PATIENCE with her...is all I can say....good luck S.

E.,

I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks in September of 2003 and still don't know exactly what to say to someone who has recently had a miscarriage. But, speaking from experience, it's important that your cousin knows you are there for her to talk to (when she's ready to talk) and that you care about her. In addition to phone calls, a card or a note is a nice gesture since you're so far away. I know this sounds strange, but don't be afraid to include her in your baby shower or updates on your pregnancy as time progresses. It seemed that people (even family members) treated me like I had a plague after the death of my daughter and were afraid to invite me to baby showers or even talk to me about their babies. I know they meant well, but it actually did more harm than good as it caused me to feel isolated. Since the two of you are close, you know her personality and will be able to tell what she can or can't handle and how she's coping. Be supportive of her remembering her baby in any way she chooses to do so and continue to give her the greatest gift of all - love. Best wishes!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You should not feel guilty.

I understand how you feel because when I was pregnant with my second child, a friend and co-worker (ex co-worker for me but my husband still worked with her and her husband) was due a week after me and miscarried. It was extremely difficult to know what to say.

I would suggest that you just tell her that you are truly sorry she is having to go through that and let her know that you are there for her.

Hopefully with you being 400 miles away, your pregnancy won't be as hard on her as it would be if you were closer in proximity.

Well I feel like I am an expert on this subject, because first of all I went through four years of infertility, then after doing IVF had tubal pregnancy, now I have an amazing baby boy and couldn't be happier.
Also I have been on the other end I have had a sister and many friends have miscarriages. So I have felt both sides. My advice would be, to just let her know that you are there, don't push the subject because some people prefer not to talk about it, but if she needs to talk let her know you are there and willing to listen. Also just let her know that you recognize she is going through hard time. I know when I went through it, my friends and family really rallied around me. I received phone calls not necessarily to talk but just to let me know that they loved me and that they were thinking of me. A card or note would also be nice.