How to Answer About Expensive Gifts

My son wants to gauge up his ear piercings, and get a tattoo (he is 4). When I say no he says "but you have them", and I simply say that I am a 30 year old woman and when he is 30 he can do and get what he wants, end of discussion. I know it is not exactly the same situation, but the answer is the same, you are an adult who works hard for what you have, if she wants diamonds and a designer bag she needs to start mowing lawns ect... until she can pay for them. Nothing is just handed to us in life, she is not too young to know that.

A cake and two friends to the movies with popcorn, McDonald's after. Thats what she would get for her Birthday. The gift would be gets to be 10 next year!

You don't owe her any explanations. You are the adults and she is the child, you don't have to answer to her. Tell her she doesn't 'need' those things but if she 'wants' those things she should save up her money and buy them for herself. You said it best....things like that have to be earned!!

Your SD is living in a materialistic world, and her understandable desires are probably enhanced by what she sees and hears from friends, the media, and commercial advertising. It would be unusual if she didn't want things that were beyond her reach. Don't we all?

She's nine, and has apparently had little experience with deferred desires, and little understanding yet of where money comes from and how it functions. You don't give details, but she may have not have had much practice budgeting an allowance or earning money for above-and-beyond chores.

So, her whole world view may be pretty unrealistic at this point. Rather than be angry with her for this, I hope you can see this as an opportunity to help her learn. I have a few suggestions:

Invite her to sit down with you and find out about family finances, budgeting, and your financial/material values.

Get involved in some kind of relief work; volunteer for a local food bank, clothing drive, or soup kitchen; show her what you give to charity and explain why it's meaningful to you; watch a documentary or two about how gritty real life can be for children elsewhere. Even a walk through a less-affluent neighborhood could start a conversation about how privileged her life is (but don't just start lecturing or moralizing – she'll tune you out).

Cut down on the amount of commercial television she gets to watch. This made a tremendous difference for my daughter at about that age – we left relative financial security, and the television, behind when she was in 5th grade and I left her father.

Find ways in your own day to notice what your are grateful for, and express your gratitude calmly and happily. Not as a big deal or an object lesson, just as a way to deepen your satisfaction and enrich your quality of life. There are at least a bazillion things we can notice every day to be happy about; a delicate breeze, the color of the sky, the perfection of a dandelion seed, a soft pillow, a moment of connection with your SD.

Worth repeating: don't lecture or moralize. That. Does. Not. Work. It didn't with us when we were kids, and it doesn't with kids today. Instead, get the wonderful and practical book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It will be one of the best investments you have ever made.

What i do with my son is, "you want it, you earn the money and buy it". Then I point out opportunities to earn the money. Give her what fits your budget. I would have a serious talk about what 9 year olds need vs. want. Based on her "already got" list, sounds like you've indulged her before, so she may not understand why this time it's different. My son constantly asks for a $300 bat. I told him to figure out how to earn the money. He has $40 saved, but it's been $40 forever, cause he just can't save the other money that he's earning/getting. Too bad, so sad. I was lucky at age 12 to get 3 outfits a year paid for by my mom. All other clothing was purchased with babysitting money. When I was 17 I bought my own car with money from working. We need to teach our children how to be independent and industrious. Sometimes the hardest part of that lesson is, "NO."
Good luck,
S.

Does she get any kind of allowance? My son 11, has been taught if he wants something, he needs to save his birthday, Xmas, etc money for things I will not buy. Mostly Video games, I have long stopped buying them.

One thing that worked extremely well for us was sitting down with him while we went over family finances. He got see how much dad makes, how much taxes are removed, what our bills are, and what is left over. We also broke down, how much time dad works, and how little he does for himself, even though it seems he gets the most, he really doesn't. We even added up every little slushie, and Mc Donalds we get. We made a print out of bank statements, so he could see how fast little things add up. He is much more grateful for that slurpee now, and ask alot less often.

She is definitely acting like a brat. I would tell her that when she is your age and has a job, that she will be able to decide whether she wants such things. But in the meantime, you are unwilling to buy her those things as money is tight. I might tell her she can have a present or presents that add up to a specific dollar amount eg. $100 and let her go and see what she can find that she wants for under that amount. I would also get her into some community service to see how so many others live without things.

So here's my two cents, for whatever it's worth: I saw a couple of comments about saying "we can't afford it". In my experience, there are very few things that people honestly and truly can't afford. The truth is that "that isn't how we choose to spend our money". If you say this, your SD can't throw it back in your face that you can't afford this or that but then go out and buy something else. You don't need to justify it... ignore her attempts to get you to engage about it. Simply explain, our family has a limited amount of money to work with, and this is not how we choose to spend it. As for the birthday list, you could simply explain that you spend in the range of X dollars for birthdays. She can either stick to this list and you'll buy her something else that you hope she'll like, accept a cheaper version of an item on this list (fake diamonds, knock-off purse), or she can create a wish list in your price range. Leave it up to her which option to take, and then follow her lead. She may whine about the price range, but ignore it. Looking back in my life, I remember times when I really wanted something and felt cheated because I didn't have as much as others. Also though, looking back, the things I most appreciated and the memories that are really dear to me are those things I had to wait for and were really a treat to get, or things that I worked for to earn myself. I was a normal kid who complained about it, but now that I'm a parent I get that it was for the best.

Seriously she is nine. My response would be "well I guess you are going to be disappointed this year" and leave it at that. My boys are 9 and 11 they do not have a cell phone, may use my computer for only 30 minutes a day, have no DS, can borrow my camera, and have a used play station 2 that they pooled their Christmas money to purchase--and can only use on Friday evenings. They are smart, love to read, draw, play outside, etc. Yes they ask for stuff and I tell them--too bad maybe once you have a job and can pay for it yourself. Overall they are happy being kids.

Ok, you said this is your stepdaughter? That explains alot right there. Ever hear of the wicked stepmother? She's trying to make you feel like one. She knows that those things are not appropriate gifts for a 9 yr old. Her father should matter of fact just tell her she's not getting any of it, and if she doesn't give you some better ideas, she may notget anything she wants. Gifts are not mandatory. They are rewards for being good and respectful. Even to your stepmother. I have a feeling this little girl has other issues, possibly related to the divorce and would benefit from a little counseling to get her emotions straightened out before puberty hits and all he'll breaks loose. It is rough on kids to have to deal with grown up issues. Please have you and her dad tell her as much as you love het, no diamonds. Or you could start a savings account for her with an amount you would spend on bday and say she can save for a laptop, etc. She is a kid in pain, for whatever reason. Don't ignore that.

You don't explain all that to a child. You tell them your not buying it because she is not old enough to take care of it but that you will be glad to take her to the bank to open a bank account and she can start saving for these things her self. When she is 30 she will understand the work that goes into those kinds of items. But I think I remember you posting earlier in the year about this little girl loosing her electronic items and then expecting them to be replaced and her mom did it. I would stick to your guns. Buy her a board game and a barbie or a doll. That's what 9 year old's should be playing with. not electronic equipment and not $300 dollar purses. My son is 15. He bought his own computer at thanksgiving. he saved all of his allowance and all of his birthday, Christmas and confirmation gifts. When he had enough money for a computer they went searching for the best one He loves it. And he loves it more because he paid for it himself. She will appreciate and take care of things when she has to pay for them herself.

First of all, why are you explaning yourself to ANY 9 year old. and that list is just ridiculous! She needs a reality check and real quick! If I understood SD, step-daughter? There may be a sense of jealously and since you have her daddy she should have everything you have.
1. you are an adult, she is not
2. you work, she doesnt
I really hope you get her something simple for her birthday and teach her to be greatful. This sense of entitlement has got to go. and $300 for a birthday gift is just crazy. How will you ever outdo yourself? You will drive yourself nuts trying to keep up. You need Daddy's backing on this one too. sounds like you've set yourself up on this one though. NO 9 year old needs ANY of what she alreadys has.

Nine years old and already showing signs of materialism, not a good thing and you need to nip it in the bud immediately. If she can ask for expensive things with no qualms you can give it to her straight w/no chaser and tell her no because... (insert truthful, hard hitting reason here). No means no and as a parent you dont have to justify yourself to your 9yr old child. YOur word is law, period point blank. Now having said that, Im going to flip the script a little and inquire if your child actually deserves any of those things she wants, sans diamonds because that should be totally out of the question. As adults, we earn money/things by working and my 9yr old daughter has a few jobs that she excels at and allow me to reward her for. For example, good grades, keeping room clean etc. If she does deserve something special for her birthday, you can visit walmart or even dell they have those little netbooks (mini laptops) for under $300 in cute girly colors too. My daughter has one and she loves it, as a matter of fact all her friends want one now. So i think that would be appropriate if she deserves it. good luck momma

My 8 year-old daughter is starting to have very expensive tastes as well. This is difficult for me because I am not and never have been very materialistic. She begrudges me for buying a new outfit even though I buy clothes for her and her brothers ten times more often than I buy for myself. I use the "we can't afford it" line quite a bit because it's the truth. I explain that we are on one income so that I can stay home with her and the boys, and we have to sacrifice certain things. When she makes out her Christmas and birthday lists and I see a high price item, I just tell her right off the bat that it's not going to happen. Certain things she is too young for whether we can afford it or not. Until she can drive, or starts going places w/out us, she does not need a cell phone. She certainly does not need a laptop. She spends enough time on our family PC, she does not need to be sitting up in her bedroom with a laptop or a TV. Our children will not have TV's in their rooms ever. She gets mad that my husband and I have a TV in our room so we just say we're adults and when you are an adult and have your own house, you can have a TV in your room. Kids today think they are entitled to so much. And when they see their friends with these things, they feel like they're being slighted. I really hate it.

I have not read all the other responses, but here's how we handle things: If my dd wants anything that she doesn't need she has to earn it. As far as gifts, she doens't make a list. A gift is something we thoughtfully pick for her, that we want to give her. No one should have a sense of entitlement when it comes to gifts.

If my dd wants a game system, cell phone, etc, she's got to earn the money (and while she is welcome to spend money on anything she wants, if said object violates house rules, it gets confiscated. Her money does not trump my responsibility to raise her well). There are always extra chores she can do for money. She has decided that she wants a couple of things and earned the $ by gathering moss balls and sticks out of the yard, washing restrooms, etc. Mostlly she decides that her money is too valuable to spend it when it comes to the moment to check out. She is a great saver because she gets how valuable it is. If she were ever disappointed about a gift, I can assure you that she would lose said gift and receive no replacement. She has no doubts about this, I'm sure, and she would never ever go there.

She is seven.

DON'T GET MAD, DON'T BUY HER THESE THINGS AND DO NOT DISCUSS IT ANYMORE. Get her reasonable presents and if she whines that is tough. I have two sons. One got practically nothing because we had no money and he has worked hard. He gets his own things now as an adult We have spent the last couple of years trying to deal with the monster in my second child-created by giving in to some of those requests (thinking we were wonderful parents-he has gone through a lot of things including cars) and is definitely part of the age of entitlement. So unless you want to be sitting in a hospital with her in a few years (yes, age of entitlement can definitely cause depression-no goals for some of these young people) and going through expensive therapy(all which preceded my own health issues) I suggest you stick to your guns. Let her whine, that's appropriate to her age. The rest is not.

This is one of the weirdest things. I agree with everyone to an extent. I spoiled my daughter and sons, but also had to keep a firm line on what kept them in reality. Got IPods early, but my daughter lost hers. Her replacement? A cheapo mp3 player. Her new IPod bought 2 years later was cherished and well cared for. When my kids said "Mom, you have all those things" I would tell them that yes indeed, "I do have all those things. But expensive things are things I worked for and bought. When you work you can spend your money anyway you want. You will not spend MY money that way. Sorry...but that is the way it is. "

From one stepmom to another.....keep building on the love you feel for her in your heart. Who knows what kind of underlying dynamics might be happening here for her. She might be adopting values from her other home for instance and having to sort it out. That is tough for a kid. Establishing good values is a long process for any person and she is so early in the game. Be patient with her development in this area. You sound like a good role model for her and she is lucky. She won't connect the dots for awhile like all kids( and plenty of adults) who want immediate gratification. This will be one of many tricky spots you will be in as a stepparent over the years. My best advice is to just love on her all you can. That is the greatest gift you can give. She may not be able to see it now but over time she will appreciate who you are.
K

If she wants these things then she should be responsible for paying for them. My daughter is also 8 (9 in July), she was *dying* for the new American Girl doll (which shares her name). She saved her money from Christmas, birthday, dollars from grandmas, etc... She was so proud of herself when that doll arrived in the mail. She takes better care of it because she knows how long it took to save the money to purchase it. She also knows to be GRATEFUL when she receives something from someone else. She knows not to just EXPECT gifts because her other friends are getting them. My husband has been laid off since the week before Christmas. She understands that we can't always get everything that we WANT. But when she gets something unexpectedly, no matter how small, she truely means it when she tells them thank you.

As parents we have a responsibility to our children to teach them the importance of money. How to not use credit cards. I can proudly say that we are debt free (minus a mortgage that we will be paying off 10 years early). We also have xx,xxx in savings. This all while my husband is out of work. Your daughter is young enough that she does not *need* any of those things. In my opinion you do not need to explain why you, an adult, possess these items.

I hope the best for your family.

People may bash me here, but I do spoil my little girl, so when she is 9, she will probably have a list like this.... I would get her a knock of coach bag (how would she know the difference) and cubic zaconiam earrings, or necklace, once again, how would she know. You could probably get a real coach bag on ebay, for $50 or so dollars... texting phone, I just got my for $50. I don't think that is very much.
People who are saying she is a brat, I don't think so, I think it is society now. Before having my daughter I had everything I wanted, new designer bags all the, new shoes, clothes.... when I had her, I gave all of that up, so she can have the best of everything.
Good Luck, and I hope she has a happy birthday!

Hmmm...I am kinda old school I guess, but when it comes to adult topics (i.e. finances) I feel no obligation to enter into a discussion about it with my children (I too have a 9 yr old). What the heck is wrong with saying "No." and saying it again and again and again? And why pray tell when a child asks why, can't we sometimes say "Because I said so."?

My children have not gone so far as to request such ridiculously expensive "gifts" (and btw, telling something what you want them to buy for you absolutely kills the good intentions of generousity and gift-giving. creating a registry for our wedding made me sick to my stomach) but they do sometimes "beg" for "something" as we make a run thru Target. I calmly say "Nope. That is not on the list. Only thing we need and have the money to buy make the list. Let me know when you've got a job and you can make your own list." I have been known to abandon the cart mid-errand if the begging continues.

My nieces submitted a similar list to everyone at Christmas, and I can assure you A.) they got none of it and B.) their list created a very difficult to suppress Grinch-like-reaction for the entire family.

I definitely agree that gifts like that should be earned. So many children these days are given expensive gifts and then they start to expect certain things. Whatever happened to nine year-old girls wanting barbie dolls? Lol those gifts are not appropriate for her age in my opinion.
Maybe you can explain to her that you don't feel she is old enough for those types of gifts because she has not been able to keep up with the things she had before and they are too expensive to replace. Also, you can tell her that children cannot always have what adults have. If she tries to argue or get upset ask her what she wld do if she didn't have the phone, ipod, and camera that she has now. Also, what does her dad say? Maybe he can help explain it to her too. Whatever the case I wish u luck, and you are exactly right to feel that those gifts are not appropriate regardless of your financial situation

It's not about the money. I don't care if you are Donald Trump, a 9 year old doesn't get those kind of gifts. I wouldn't use "we can't afford it" as the reason she isn't getting items that are not age appropriate. She shouldn't get those things even if money was no object.

She should be asking for a Justin Beiber tshirt, rubber bracelets, and cute sandals. She already has tons of too expensive possessions. Too much.

Decide WHEN she may get the items, and stick to it. Laptop when she starts high school, Coach purse when she graduates, etc. If she wants to earn the money (for items you deem age appropriate) that is her choice.

My kids beg for things (my 14 year old still has no phone, my 11 year old lost her iPod over a year ago and will not receive a replacement) but I don't care. These items are not "necessesities", no matter how embarrassed they are. I'm trying to instill in them the qualities that are really important.

Unfortunately, your stepdaughter is a product of the culture...the television shows and commercials. When we were growing up most of these things didn't even exist, plus we spent most of our time outiside playing (there wasn't much to watch on TV and no internet). The best advice I have is to talk to her regularly about materialism and about being content with what you have. There is always going to be somehting better than what we have and newer than what we have. In fact, that goes for people, too. There will always be someone prettier or someone smarter. Teach her to not compare herself to others or what they have. If we are expecting those "things" to may us happy or complete, we are setting ourselves up for misery. Teach her the importance of money and responsibility and hard work. Maybe talk to her about being responsible with her stuff and with chores now so in the future she can get some the stuff she wants - maybe she can earn half of the money. We usually appreciate something we've had to work for more than something given to us. Also remember, giving your children everything they want is not what is best for them.

Hi N.S.,
You've gotten a lot of good responses. I just wanted to add that I don't think this is so different from when we were kids. The stuff on the list just changes with the times. On my birthday lists and Christmas lists, we had to rate each item with stars showing how much we wanted them. The top of my list EVERY YEAR was a pony and a TV with 5 stars each. It was never discussed or entertained by my parents--not even close. But I sure kept it on there, just in case a miracle happened! A wish list is just that. We can all dream, right? Maybe you could share your own in-case-a-miracle-happens wish list with her too (a cruise to the Greek islands, a summer in the south of France...) That doesn't mean it's going to happen, necessarily. As for the practicality part, I like the ideas below about gift cards (because she can learn what a dollar is worth), earning her own pocket money, and some kind of community/church involvement with or for people less fortunate. It sounds like her peers at school are getting in her head. (I also never got parachute pants or designer jeans as a kid, or a Michael Jackson jacket, or...or...or...--I'm sure we can all can come up with our own never-got-it lists from childhood.) Good luck!!!

Hello N.S. You shouldn't have to give an explanation to a nine year old, as to why she wont get expensive things on her wish list. That's why it's a "wish list". you can simply give her a Target gift card for a reasonable amount that you can afford, and tell her she can buy whatever she wants with it. Even if you could afford all that was on the list, it would obviously be wrong to give her everything. Stop contributing to her greediness before you create a child that will control and bankrupt your family!

Wow.
My daughter turned 9 this past week. She also wanted an ipod touch (has been wanting one for awhile) and has been wanting a laptop for awhile. She would love a phone to text with - she doesn't HAVE a cell phone, but she doesn't have anyone to text to anyway, except for extended family, and I'll let her use mine to send them txts from me. She already has a digital camera (that records a little bit of video) - a gift from her great aunt 2 Xmases ago, and a non-internet connected desktop computer in her bedroom (also a gift from the same aunt a couple of years ago - aunt is a computer geek who BUILDS them out of spare parts). Her older brother received the same things at the same times. She has had a DS for a year and a half, the top screen image got damaged and we just sent it off for repairs. She lost a couple of games that were stored together in a little game storage box (the box was lost with the games inside it), but otherwise she has taken very good care of it, and the other items. She is a very responsible child, generally speaking.

She wouldn't know what a Coach purse was. She wouldn't even consider diamonds! She is just getting where she will put on nail polish and doesn't care for jewelry or hair ornaments or anything like that very much - very tomboyish..
But her birthday list also included things like a Pillow Pet, Bendaroos and a new dive mask for the swimming pool, or new games for her DS or the family Wii. I think she is pretty typical for her age... the new technology is very tempting, and SO many kids have things that I don't really think are age appropriate (responsibility wise). But that doesn't mean that we have to feel bad about saying NO to those things.

A simple answer works at our house:" When you're grown up you can have those things too... if you can afford to buy them then. "
I agree that it sounds like she is trying to 'get' her Dad's love in the same way that you apparent 'get' it... at least in her eyes. She wants to be like you, sort of, since Dad loves you. My kids also want cars and my son (who is 11) used to tell me he wanted a Hummer. I told him, "well, I don't. When you're grown you can buy one yourself if that's what you still want. But thats a lot of years from now, and you'll probably change your mind about what you want by then." I don't think you have to have a big sit-down with her over this. But you do need to answer her "why can't I, you have them" with something along the lines of "I'm an adult/grown up and you aren't". Worried it will damage her self-esteem to be told she is a child? Well... she is. Tough. It won't damage her self-esteem to be told the obvious.
As far as the lap-top, it might be something very useful for her when she gets into highschool... but that is many years away. And since it sounds like she has been given a lot of stuff that she wasn't very responsible with already, I wouldn't even mention that highschool might be a possibility. You could however, mention that she hasn't exactly demonstrated that she is able to properly take care of the things she DOES have yet. And until she does, then she shouldn't expect many expensive gifts (of any kind). No need to be harsh about it, just factual. You could even tell her that it appears to you/Dad (us) that she doesn't care that much about the things she HAS been given (losing Ipod, game-boy) and that she has enough expensive toys for now. And is actually quite privileged to have 2 (!!) DS's and an I-pod. My 9 yr old only got a hand-me-down shuffle that quit working a week later (it was my husband's, then my son's, then got washed in the washer, then son got a Nano for Xmas and gave her the shuffle then it quit working). Neither of my kids has a cell phone. They don't NEED ONE! If she has one at 9... well... maybe due to being a step-parent situation there is a reason. But for my kids.. they have no need for one. And my son will be a 7th grader this year.
As far as explaining that some families can afford iPod touches and laptops but yours can't is NOT something that a 9 year old can't understand. She can. So tell her. It's really not so hard to do that. Every family doesn't drive the same kind of car either. Some folks putter around in Mercedes, Lexus, BMW, or Bentley's and Maserati too... but WE don't. Some folks live at the country club or in a fancy elite gated community... but not everyone does. There's a reason! It costs $$ and not everyone has the same disposable income. And even if they did, they use it differently: some plan for college for their kids, or retirement, or have medical expenses/conditions that others don't have to worry about. Some have elderly parents they take care of and provide for. Some don't. Some have 1 kid (or no kids) and some have 4!
She is old enough to understand ALL of those things. It's time her bubble was popped and she was introduced to the real world. I'm betting the kidd gloves have been used around her since her parents divorced... and she has used it to her full advantage. Maybe not... but it looks that way from what you described...

She can save all of her birthday money if that's what she really wants to do. If anyone asks what to get her, tell them that she'd like a $5 or $10 gift card to a specific store. Then she can take all of her gift cards to the store to see what she can purchase.
As for the computer and the iTouch - don't even consider getting those for her until she's well into high school. The internet is a very dangerous place. Let her use the family computer in the kitchen or family room.
As for the coach purse - you can go to the outlet and get a tiny coach purse for about $30 - sometimes they have great sales -- let her earn some money and then take her when you think she has almost enough - you could give her the last $5 towards it as a treat or something.
YMMV
LBC

just my take on this, Step Daughter RIght??? to quote her " YOU Have all of those things" Is this some weird power play that she wants Dad to treat her (ie love her) the way he loves you, Buying you a diamond etc Ok and I don't have stepkids so i don't know, but where is her dad in all of this, does he want to buy her the itouch? has he always spoiled her with gifts. I think you and the man need to have a talk and get on board, then he needs to sit down and talk to his kid.
If i'm wrong adn this isn't a blended family situation i apologize, it just seems like if it were your kids that you had raised you would know why she wanted these things.

Wow. Sounds like she's never been told no! An 8yr old with a cell phone... that WANTS A texting phone? Who does she call? Thats nuts. Sorry. I have an 8yr old, I would never buy him a cell phone at this age (or for another 5yrs at least).

You can pick up a little Flip digital video camera for $50. I believe that is an appropriate gift for a 9yr old. My son got one for his b-day and he loves it, uses it all the time and makes his own video's, etc. He's not your typical kid though, he also has a DS he got for christmas a few years ago and he has never so much as gotten a fingerprint on it, let alone lost it or broken it. He knows how to care for his things, and if he lost something so significant, he wouldn't get anything like that again until he could prove he's more responsible.

DIamonds? A coach purse? No. SHe's going to be 9yrs old, not appropriate. A laptop? Again, no! Do you really want a 9yr old online by herself in her bedroom or in another room from you? Major supervision online needed at that age, and for years to come!

Ipod touch? No, again not appropriate. I have an iPod touch, my boys both use it all the time, but its MINE, they will not own an expensive thing like that until they arem uch older. And again, my kids are super responsible!

you don't have to justify anything to her, tell her no, its not appropriate and call it good, end of discussion. She's proven she's not responsible and doesn't appreciate what she has by losing things and not taking care of them. Have her save her birthday money to buy the things she thinks she wants. I wanted an iPod touch to replace my flailing Nano, and I, a grown woman, saved for months to buy it.

Tell her no, no explanation needed. Pick up a little Flip digital video camera for her and call it good. She's 9, she needs to grow DOWN a little.

There's a lot of good advice here, so I hope you don't mind me piling my 2 cents on top.
We all want to indulge our kids, but there are limits. You obviously know that the items she has on her list are inappropriate. Your SD might be craving some "adult privledges" or she might be taking advantage of the two-family situation. Either way, she seems to need a little perspective. I'd suggest not only giving her a dollar limit for her wish list, but also getting her to see how lucky she is to have the things she does. The town you live in is generally financially comfortable, so she's probably getting a lot of peer pressure for these items. Perhaps this year (and maybe on a regular basis), take her to help in a women's shelter (not neccesarily ON her birthday, but a few weeks before). Not only will it give her a better idea of what is really needed in life, but it will also give her a sense of helping others. I'm sure she'll rail against it at first, but in the long run, it could very well do her more good than anything she has on that list.

Sounds like her mother is putting her up to asking for these expensive things. You have explained to her that you can't afford them. Hopefully your husband backs you up on this. She is only 9 and now is the perfect time for her to learn that expensive things are earned/worked for. She can't compare what you have to what she wants, you are grown and working she is not. I would bet money if I was a gambler that her mother put her up to this. If possible you all need to sit down and explain to her that she is a child and times are tight so she will not get all that stuff on her list so she needs to revise it to things more affordable.

Speaking from the perspective of a parent and middle school teacher, please, put a stop to this now. Imagine what she will be asking for when she is 16! She is not entitled to these things just because it is her birthday. Maybe you and her father can discuss with her ways to earn these things or save up for them. I personally don't think a nine year needs any of these items especially an ipod touch and lap top. I agree with an earlier post about the fake earings and such but don't feed into the designer labels. Unfortunately when she is old enough to make her own money, (and you no longer wish to or will be responsible for providing her such luxuries) she will be incredibilty dissapointed with what the real world has to offer. Teacher her the value of earning something or working toward an end goal instead of just giving her these items. In the long run if she really desires these items, she will probably appreciate them much more if she has to work a little bit for them instead of just being given the items.

When our daughter was 3, she announced she wanted to go to college where it "snows."

We told her that would be great, we would love that, but mommy and daddy do not have a lot of money, so she was going to have to make good grades at school, so she could get scholarships and Grants. She did it!

When she was 8 she said she wanted a Papasan chair. Again, we told her that sounds great. How much are they? How much money do you have? Then we told her we would start giving her money for her birthday and Christmas so she could save up.. She then requested money for her "chair" from her grandparents whenever they asked what she wanted for gifts.. It took her a year and once she had her goal, she watched for the best sales and then asked to go and look// She paid for it herself..

We could have given it to her, but I was not sure how much she really wanted it.. she will be 20 this summer and she still loves her chair..

Be honest with your child. Also remind her that is is considered rude to ask for such expensive gifts.. Give her a dollar amount from now on and then ask, what would she like for $25. or $50.

Sorry, I haven't read all 45 responses, so sorry if I'm being repetative. Have you considered an allowance for her? Seems she does not value money and if she understands better how much a person has to work to earn it, her perspective may change. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

I think you've already gotten a lot of great advice so I'm not going to repeat what others have said.

I notice you don't live too far from Chicago. I assume that, like LA and NYC, it's pretty easy to get good-looking knockoffs of real things. Maybe you can get her a fake Coach purse as a special gift so she's getting the look of what she really wants (or thinks she wants), but not at the outrageous price. It will help to teach her that you don't have to have the best of the best to still look great and be happy. Likewise, Macy's (and plenty of other stores) sell nice looking cubic zirconia jewelry that looks like diamonds. At nine, she should be playing dress up anyway - no need to have the real thing.

As for the rest of the stuff... no way. You can't afford it and she doesn't need it.

That's very different from my childhood. All I wanted was a hamster and a day bed. I do see my sister act like this though. When my brother got a laptop, she needed one (she never uses it). When he got an IPod, she wanted one (well she does use that one). I would try sticking with 'I'm an adult and you're not' but give reasons. I hated when my dad would eat ice cream in the living room and I had to sit on the kitchen floor watching the movie. Why..'because I'm an adult'...that's all. It's simple for us to understand why a 9 year old does not need these things for everyday living. She needs to be directed to what qualifies as a need and a want. Hopefully then she'll make some more reasonable choices.

These items are too expensive to buy just because she's interested in them now. Will she be next summer? I have a laptop and a camera for storing my family memories, it's an investment not a toy. I saved half the money for my first TV around 10 years old.

i agree withu. u can explain it to her by saying ur adults that can take care of those things. Since she's already lost stuff befor, u kinda have that to back it up. Tell her whwn she old enough to work she can buy them.

I don't think you HAVE to explain. She is nine. She doesn't need those things, she can share some of those things with the family, like the laptop or camera. You've already given her reasons why she can't have diamonds or a coach purse, besides the fact that she doesn't need them. 
Honestly, after that conversation (with the way you write it) she sounds
like she thinks she's entitled to those things. Personally, I would give her a birthday card and do cake with the family, etc but no gifts. I'd tell her that her father and I can not afford those things so she is not getting any of them.  Maybe that would help her to understand you are serious. 

Also, what does her father think of this list? Has he tried talking to her?
Do you think this might be influence of her mother (maybe she thinks you two are well off and tells your SD to "ask Dad for that")?    

Good luck with this situation. 
 

Why not just get her a gift card to her favorite store? That way she'll have a set amount to spend and it she doesn't like it, then she can just keep the card and not spend it(although I doubt that will happen). As far as why you get those expensive things and she doesn't? You and your hubby work for the money. When she has a job, she can spend her money as she chooses. Good luck! Sounds like you'll need it!

I think I would give her whatever amount of money you think is a reasonable amount to spend on her birthday present ($50?), and tell her she has to save up or earn the rest if she wants such expensive things.

What i would be worried about with the ipod touch is that, as far as I know, there aren't parent controls, and she would have mobile access to the internet!!!

Wow.

I don't think you need to try and justify everything. She's nine years old and she needs to learn that different things are appropriate for different ages. And you're the adult and you're in charge. End of story.

You don't always get what you want. Maybe give her a budget for her birthday and she has to choose her gifts that fall under that dollar amount.

Good luck!

What happened to 9 year olds playing with Barbies? I can tell you though my parents did buy me diamonds on several occasions (its my birth stone). But it was more like a sterling silver ring with a diamond "chip" in it, rather then a stone. That was also my big gift on my bday or xmas. Every other gift was sheets, socks, lip glosses, stuff that was practical and I needed. I totally feel for you, that would anger me too! Good Luck!

I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe what she wants is more time with her dad. Or maybe she wants to be more like you? Her answer "you have all of those things" shows me that she's comparing herself to you, and maybe feeling like she's not measuring up? Anyway, just something to think about.

I feel bad for you as i can tell this has shocked you. first things first, kids are supposed to ask for stuff without considering the cost. your job is to decide what they get without giving them explanation. being told but you have it why can't i, is easy, you say when you get to my age you can have whatever you want if you afford it, in meantime you get what we give you.
from all the things listed if you want to get her something get her the purse from coach outlet, you can score one for under 100 dollars. i looked at the list she has presented you with and the onl thing i'd probably say yes is the cheapest which the coach purse. for the rest, or one at a time, you can tell you come up with half the money (earn it by doing chores) then when an occasion arises, like christmas, birthday whatever you will give her the other half. that way you teach her the power of saving and earning.
my kids wanted nintendo DS they're 6 and were graduation kindergarten. apparently everyone in their class has one and even an ipod. excuse me but i am 35 and do not have an ipod. i knew i was going to get them something good for graduation and i was ok with the DS but months before i told them they need to come up with a 100 bucks. how? i said i will pay you for every chore you do. so they started making their beds, picking up after themselves, straightening their play room. they didn't come up with a 100 bucks but they came up with around 50 so i made the excuse and paid for the rest. this is what i noticed, usually the toys i have bought they have no respect for, i find them everywhere. the DS? well they tell me when it needs to be charged and when they're done playing with it, they put them in their cases and then on the designated place. so they're treasuring them more than anything else.
i have also told them if they break it or lose it, the next one they will have to buy with their own money, and if they don't have enough they're not even allowed to ask for it. i won't pay for it anymore. this is not to be mean, this is to teach them money does not grow on trees.

You really need to teach her the difference between adult gifts and 9 year old gifts. YOu never should have to explain why you get something and she doesnt. The answer is "because I am an adult". Its not a competion between the two of you and it seems (from your writing) that she is having trouble seeing the difference, the responses you list as given to her seem too soft for her to understand. You should have to explain that those were gifts from other people or that you dont have the money...they are not appropriate gifts for a 9 year old. end of discussion. Remind her that when she is older she can aquire those things.
I think the idea of setting a limit on price is great. I think that taking her to the store and letting her pick things out that she then can't get is dangerous. It never ends well. We also set a budget for the birthday as a whole, the less spent on the party, the more we have for presents. Is she willing to give up a party with her friends to have a new ipod? Something worth asking, though I agree that there is nothing on that list that is age appropriate, and a list is just a suggestion not written in gold (maybe she needs a lesson on that as well)...Good luck!!!
P.S. My 4 year old daughter got a Dooney and Burke from my mom on her birthday! I didn't even own one!!! Talk about not fair. :)

You are an adult, you and your husband have worked and saved for these things. I have a nine year old...we don't have cable, all the things in her room are mine and I just happen to share them with her. The state only requires certain things shelter for your child, clothing for their back(doesn't even have to be in style), food, school, and not abusing them after that everything is a priviledge. My children will never have a TV in their room or a computer as I will not let them hole up in their own apartment and not connect with the family. She for this list deserves gives that show her that you love her and care for her. I am thinking a homemade book with a letter from both You and her Father saying how much you love and appreciate her and that you are proud of whatever she is doing well in her life. If she wants the finer things in life she will have to do chores not required to be a part of the family. So being a part of the family, picking up, putting laundry in the laundry room, folding laundry and putting it away, doing dishes. Things I consider extras washing down cabinets,floorboards, polishing woodwork, washing windows, cleaning out the car and vac. For these she earns 1.00 per task and is saving for something big.
Kids, way too many of them have a sense of entitlement, regardless of your financial standing you should teach your child fiscal responsibility, family repsonsibility and respect. Also it looks like it's a step daughter, is Mom feeding her ideas, especially at nine the coach purse/diamonds seem a bit much.

Why do you have to explain anything to her. A brief, matter of fact, we are not buying those gifts for you should be sufficient. You've already explained your reasons. By continuing to want to convince her you are inviting an argument. You end arguments with a flat easily understood statement. "We are not buying you those things. The conversation is over." And then you don't respond to anything she says that's related to that. I usually have to leave the room to stick with not making any other comments. It's easy for me to get dragged back into an argument and I do what I have to do to not argue. Notice I said I need to do what I have to do. What she says or does is not longer on my radar.

Did you try giving her a list of parameters for what was appropriate and what you would consider for a birthday gift. Taking her to Toys R Us is a good idea as long as you set a dollar limit on how much you will spend. If she asks for something that costs more, then calmly but firmly say no, that costs too much. Be consistent in saying that same answer in that same tone of voice. It does take patience but it works.

You do sound angry. I suggest that you're angry because you don't understand that you can say no and make it stick. You don't have to get your step-daughter's approval for your choice. In fact expect that she will be unhappy. It is not our responsibility to make our children happy. It is our responsibility to accept their feelings and teach them how to appropriate express those feelings. If she continues to badger leave the room or tell her to leave the room. That is a logical consequence. You can enforce the rules without having to get mad first.

And you don't have to judge her list as being ridiculous. You know it is. She knows it is. So stating that is not necessary and will only lead to hurt feelings and anger. Focus on what is at issue. How much are you willing to spend and on what sort of things. Give her that information and let go of the rest.

I always asked for big ticket items for birthday and Christmas, but knew that I better put some realistic items on there as well or all I would get was new pajamas and underwear (my mother was a very practical gift giver!!)

Instead of getting into a big discussion for her...make a list on the computer with 20 lines on it. Fill in the top lines with what she had already chosen and then give her the list and ask her to fill in the rest of the line items with other things she wants for her birthday. Maybe to tell any aunts and uncles or others who might buy her a gift.

Then...you could always buy her a knock off coach bag or small cubic zirconium earrings that would be like diamonds to a 9 year old and have smaller priced items to look at as well. She is 9 how would she know the difference??

HUGS to you!!