How Should We Talk to My Son About This

safe to say he's not gay. he may be using them to masterbate. sorry. gross. i know. but, other than the broken trust thing, i think it's pretty normal for a 12 yr old boy to be arroused and masterbating. DONT overreact and DONT shame him!

I am with Denise on this one. Go that route first and go from there. If it
continues to happen, that is another story.

I'm sorry....I'm laughing as I read this!

He's 12. He's "into" womens undies. Can your husband approach it with some humor ("You're busted, buddy!--Don't be bogarting the womens panties, OK? We'll buy you some!") And mention the theft aspect.

Now....if it continues.....that's another story!

First don't freak out, it causes walls.

I would first ask why. You may find it isn't as freak out aboutable as you first thought. Just trying to be half full here.

I would be more concerned with the stealing and making sure he knows that is wrong.

I also think you need to step up. I can't imagine why you would keep finding them and just throwing them out never asking him why he was getting them in the first place.

Women's underwear aside, your son is stealing from people. You and your husband need to address that immediately! Why didn't you talk about this with him when you first discovered the underwear?

I guess my question is have you found any women's undies in the laundry that aren't yours? I remember reading a letter to Ann Landers way back when I was in High School. A man wrote in about the fact that he perfered women's undies to men's because the fabric was softer and felt better against his skin. It had nothing to do with his sexuality, it was just a matter of comfort. This could also be your son't issue too. Now however there are as many diferent styles and fabrics available in men's undies as women's; he might want a different style to wear.

I have to agree with Denise P. - couldn't have said it better......

I think it's natural to be disturbed by something that is "not normal."

I think you should go at this laid back. Express how wrong looting around a person's belongings are, and how terrible theft is.Then you need to find a way to get to the bottom of why. This might be the question Dad needs to ask. I'm not sure. I just can't see any innocent reason behind why, so he would likely be embarrassed in front of you. Kids aren't always honest when they are extremely embarrassed. The answer to why, could make the counseling decision for you.

You have every right to search his room and things randomly for a while, to make sure he isn't sill stealing. If he is going to do it, he will hide them better...and you need to know, if he's still doing this. If he does it again after you approach him, take him to a counselor.

"Sue Jr., we got a call from Mrs. Friend's Mom today about an incident at her house where she says she caught you with some personal items and had a talk with you. We'd really like to hear your side of things before we have a serious talk."

Go from there. You need to hear him speak before you react or over-react and make assumptions about things. He may already understand the situation and say things that you plan on saying to him. You can reinforce that or correct certain things he may be thinking. This will be a time for you to give him a chance to come clean and perhaps even admit to you that he took your skivvies.

Then during the conversation that follows whatever your son says, you can confirm the things your friend-mom approached your son with in her confrontation with him about broken trust and whatnot. You need to reinforce all of that with him without making him feel shame and embarrassment for being a normal 12 year old boy. He's not broken so he doesn't need mental help with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

this is something BOTH of you need to talk with him about...

This is NOT acceptable behavior - to take something from someone...to even venture in their bedroom and go through their drawers?!?!?!

I would NOT freak out about it - as that will put him on the defensive. Just state frankly - Mrs. Jones called today and let me know that she saw you going through her underwear drawer.

He might be upset with you for going through his drawers too..my boys are 9 and 11 and I don't go through their rooms without their permission....however, I have told them that if I suspect bad behavior - I have the power to go through their rooms.

Depending upon what he says - I like the feel - I like the smell, etc...you might have to have him seen by a shrink...

First of all, Denise (first person who responded) rocks. She is so, so right. As far as advice, all I have to say is, do exactly what she said.

I do have a more general thought, though. Statistically, it's more likely your son is "using" this underwear than wearing them. But, on the (statistical) 10% chance he IS wearing them, you know what? None of your business. A young teen's sexuality is private. For a parent to try to regulate, well, what turns her son on is basically equivalent to going through someone's underwear drawer.

So please, focus on the stealing, not the nitty-gritty details behind the stealing. This kid needs some boundaries; he needs to know he can't get away with what he's doing. But on the slight chance he's wearing this underwear, it's NOT "abnormal," and it can't be treated by a "head doctor." It just means that in the long run, he'll need an extra dose of love and acceptance from his mom.

I think you should approach him with an open mind and ask him to talk to you about his interest in women's underwear. He might just have an "interest" - it doesn't mean he is crazy or gay or whatever- you just need to listen to him. I agree its not ok for him to go through other people's drawers and take underwear- perhaps he gets a thrill out of stealing something so private? perhaps he likes how they look and feel? you need to be his ALLY and promise him that you won't judge him for sharing his feelings with you about this. maybe you shouldn't have taken it from his drawer. Is it hurting anyone? Accept your son for who he is and encourage him to feel comfortable with you discussing it. Of course, you must also be open to what this conversation might lead to. Can you be non-judgemental about some behavior that may seem abnormal to you or your husband? I can't say my husband would be very accepting if our son was having the same problem, but he has to feel secure in your relationship with him, so try to approach him first rather than going to a (relative) stranger to approach him (ie the doctor).
Good luck~ these are confusing times for a kid!

just talk to him dont think the worst it might have been a joke ot dare take a breath and ask what going on

Talk to your husband first to discuss how you're going to handle it. Then have your husband talk to him man to man. Don't get the doctors involved. And definitely don't send him to a shrink. He's normal. Good luck.

I agree with Tracy K ... doubt sincerely he is wearing them. He is probably using them to masturbate. Don't overreact and focus on it's not right to steal.

A head doctor?? Just because he's going through puberty???!!!! Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you need the head doctor a lot more than him. Why would you just throw the underwear out instead of talking to your son? He is probably taking the underwear because obviously he is getting no information whatsoever from you or your husband about his growing interest in females, masterbation, etc. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM and explain all that so that he doesn't go ahead and explore in his own way. Thank goodness he's just taking underwear, and not doing anything indecent to girls. He is your child, you are responsible for educating him. Why the heck would you choose to ignore something as HUGE as puberty?!!!