On April 12, 2011 I asked everyone for their suggestions and comments. I have added what has happened since I last posted my question. Please take a moment to look back at my question and follow-up for your suggestions.
You find the man of your dreams. You start dating and you even move in with him. He is 52 (widowed) and I am 48 (divorced) His family adores you. It's been four and a half years and he has not even mentioned getting married. Heck, the word marriage nor ring for that matter have been spoken. I have even hinted here and there, but no results. How long is too long. How long did you have to wait? Why get married? Why not. My feelings are that if he loves you so much like he claims he does. Then why wouldn't you want to get married? So I should just be content with the way things are and live happily ever after till death do us part? I just don't seem to agree with that.
I want to thank everyone for their great suggestions on 4/12. Last night when we went to bed I asked him what his plans were for the future for us. He knew I was talking about marriage. He said that he has been thinking about it. He also said that if he gets married before he turns 59 he will not get his wife's social security (she passed away 5 1/2 years ago). When he said that my heart dropped. Then he said that he does not know how the kids would feel about us getting married. He has a son who is 29 and married and a daughter who is 21 and married. Both of which went off and got married and did not bother to tell no one until after the fact. He was really upset about that. But they did not think about his feelings or the families feelings when they rgot married. But that's beside the point. I am soooo confused and hurt. I guess I really still don;t know where I stand. So does he expect for me to wait 6 more years until he turns 59 so he can collect on his deceased wife social security? But yet if I do not get remarried my exhusband will collect my S.S. should something happen to me since we were married for 30 years. How much longer should I wait? What do I do know? I am really lost at this point
I have come to the conclusion, (as much as I don't want to realize it) that I should not fix something that is not broken. What I mean is that since I last posted above question, my boyfriend can't even come to say the word "marriage". He told me the other day that he spoke to his son about "what we talked about the other night". Well we talk about alot of things every night but I knew exactly what he was saying. I said, "do you mean marriage?" He said yes. He stated he told his son we first had to work out some issues. I didn't know we had any issues. Then last night I sent a text to my daughters softball coach that my boyfriend and I would not be attending her game saturday because "we had a wedding". He immediately told me to clarify that because the coach is going to assume we were getting married. Is it me or does he sound like he is terrified of getting married?
It sounds like he doesn't want to get married -- the other stuff he's talking about jsut seems like excuses and you're "So what happened" stories kind of confirm that. It sounds like marriage is important to you. If that's the case, you may want to say that and just end it. Then he can decide whether he's willing to lose you or not. Good luck,
Marcela:
You state you don't want to fix something that is not broken, but it is clearly broken.
You and your boyfriend are NOT on the same page. he doesn't want to marry you right now because he'll lose out on his dead wife's social security...last I looked Social Security isn't a ton of money and not a good enough reason to NOT get married.
IN MY OPINION - you are being used. He is getting what he wants - companionship, sex, cook, house cleaner, etc. while you are losing out on what YOU want and need...if he can't commit to you - even get ENGAGED to you with the agreement that you'll "wait until the Social Security thing is done" then he's just using you...that is MY opinion....
I hope that he will grow up and realize that life is a cycle people live and die - can't get out of that one - but if he can't take the chance to love and get hurt - then he's not the man for you.
I am really sorry to be blunt...You're living with him and giving away the "goodies" and are already playing house together for some time now....why on earth would he marry you? What's the incentive? In his mind why ruin a good thing since you have it all right now.....He won't committ to you now or in the future. Women who agree to cohabitation in general have a hard time getting the marriage committment. He's selfish and I think you deserve better. Move on. Sorry :(
I seriously doubt if he will ever get remarried. If he can't talk about it and hasn't even mentioned it unless you bring it up after 4.5 yrs, he not getting married.
You need to decide if he really is the man of your dreams or if you are convincing yourself he is because of all the other aspects of him. Great personality, good sex life, good companion ect. But if marriage is in your plans and not in his -- part of your dream is missing. Can you live with that?
As long as you are living in HIS house has he protected you? Is your name on anything? The deed to the house, utilities, anything????? Are you contributing to the household expenses? Do either of you have a living will, a DNR, or a will to determine what will happen if either one of you dies? Talk to an attorney and find out what your rights are. Right now it's his house, his furniture, dishes ect. If there is no will no instructions in place and he has a fatal heart attack at work today --- you could become homeless in less than 30 days. If either one of you has a health condition that puts you in a coma, no brain activity--clinically dead--the kids have more say than you do. You may know his wishes and want to turn off the machines, his kids won't sign the papers but you have no legal standing. Neither does he if you are the one who is in a coma. If he won't take the step to marriage then you both need to talk to an attorney who handles wills ,trusts, and probate to see what the laws are in your state. I would NEVER EVER move in with a man unless I had the protection of a marriage or the legal paperwork in place.
Why:
Because when I was 32 it happened to me -- I lost of lot of my own property--stuff I had in high school because I couldn't prove it was mine. And I was homeless in less than a week.
honestly he seems unhappy, and not too nice..if he was J. agnst marriage he should be able to verbailize why and let you know....why would he care if some guy thought you were getting married if it was J. about the ss ? i mean the ss office isn't going to hear you went to a wedding and assume its yours and cut him off? it's def about more than J. the ss from his wife....it seems from what he told his son hes not sure of his feelings for you...if he was he wouldn;t have to tell his son you both have issues to work out...why wuld his son need to know that? IDK i wuldnt be happy in that sittuation
Sorry, but getting married is going to hurt your boyfriend financially.
Looks like the money means more to him than you/your feelings do.
He's getting everything he wants/needs from you right now.
Why should he want to change anything?
(Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?)
You on the other hand want the commitment and security of marriage.
I'm almost willing to bet 50 cents that if you wait 6 more years for him to turn 59 that he will come up with another excuse/reason not to.
You are not/will not get what you want by staying with this guy - and that will eat away at you and give you misery (unless you really enjoy that sort of thing - some people do).
He's a dead end and he's wasting your time that would be better spent looking for someone who actually cares about you and wants what you want.
So, now you know what you should do.
Staying past this point is self inflicted pain (you are doing it to yourself).
Rip that band aid off quickly (leave).
It will sting for a bit, but it will fade and eventually you will be pain free and better off than you are now.
Additional:
Frankly, if I've got to put a metaphorical gun to his head to force a proposal out of a guy - I'd turn him down.
He's not worthy.
I deserve to be wanted, loved, even pursued/courted.
You deserve SO much better than this.
He's making lots of excuses - he does not want to get married. If he's waiting until 59 to collect his late wife's SS - does he not have his own? The way SS works is that you can't collect both your own and your sposues - you get which ever one is higher. And his kids - who are grown and married? Really? There are too many excuses. Basically you have to decide - is the relationship, the way it is, enough for you or not? I suspect not - or you wouldn't be asking about it.
He's doesn't want to get married to you at this time. I don't know why - I don't know if he's never going to get married to anyone or not. Prehaps his marriage to his late wife was't all that great - he felt controlled or manipulated - or whatever. People who've had good marriages and lose their spouse will often re-marry quickly - he's not in a rush. Or perhaps he's waiting to see if "something better" comes along.
Part of the problem with our culture is that men don't feel compelled "to buy the cow because they can get the milk for free". Most women still want the commitment and security of marriage - and men often don't want that feeling of being "tied down". There is a base, core fear that needs to be uncovered. You might be able to get to it by asking "so what?" to every one of his excuses - not in a snotty way - but just a question. For example - he says "I'd lose my late-wife's SS" you ask "so what's the impact of that?" he says "I'd have $500 less per month when I retire" - you ask "so what does that mean in reality? - we'd have my SS and retirement." Re: the arguement about his kids he says "I don't know how my kids will feel about it" you ask "so what does that mean, why don't you ask them and find out?" he says "I think my daughter will be upset" - you ask "so what does that mean you won't ever do anything to make yourself happy if it will upset your daughter?" - etc. eventually this process will drill down to his basic fear about getting married.
You should ask yourself the same series of questions too - if he says he won't get married ever - so what does that mean for you? let's say your answer would be you'll feel devastated - ask yourself - so what do I do then - stay around with a man who can't commit or not? Would I rather be without a man or with a non-committed man?
It's not easy and can be painful but you have to unpack all the stuff surrounding this and get to your most basic fear about this - do you feel rejected, insecure, invalidated? And why won't he commit? What's his basic fear? You don't want to be married to a man who have to tie down to get a proposal - you want a man who wants to be married to you. I have a feeling that you fear being not-valued or rejected, while he fears being controlled. He needs to know that by not making a decions he is making a decision - and maybe that will be he'll lose you. So ask him - "so what if you lose me?"
Good luck Marcella - this relationship stuff is not easy. ;o)
This will likely be an unpopular answer, but I cant imagine ever getting married again. I've had a wedding, a husband, I'm done having kids..... and I'm sorry. "Why not?" is not a compelling reason for me to go through all that again. As long as it is not financially irresponsible (ie: you have no assets), it could be a fine arrangement. I would look at it as "He chooses every day that he wants to be with me. He is not compelled by some legal document."
Of course, if you are not happy not being married, that is the real issue. I hope you come to a happy resolution.
So, he can't even say the word "marriage"? Is that what you mean?
If you can truly be happy with things the way they are then stay.
If not, I think he's made it clear that he's not marriage-minded.
I also think it's wrong to base decisions on social security!
I think he's liking the way things are and is not wanting to get married. Putting his late wife's SS above his current girlfriend/possible fiancee/possible wife is just an excuse. Putting his GROWN and MARRIED children above you is an excuse. Everyone else and money is more important. That's what he's saying.
I understand that money is a factor in older age, but I think that all things considered he's looking for reasons not to want to get married. So you wait 6 more years, which will then be 10 years and what then? What if he STILL doesn't want to be married? I think that 4.5 years is long enough to act or get off the pot. If you are happy with this state of affairs, then stay. If you are not happy, then you need to make the tough call to go. Otherwise you will be in this wishful limbo forever. If he doesn't even want the coach to assume you and he are getting married then I think the likelyhood of him really wanting to marry you is very low. Sorry. Life is too short. You deserve better. This IS broken.
For many people in our age bracket (I am 46), who have raised children, had lives, etc. marriage is not so important anymore. I know, for me, that I am financially (semi) secure, able to provide for my son, take out the trash, do small household repairs, etc. So, to me, marriage would not be so important anymore. Commitment, love, shared values, those are the keystones to me.
That being said, if you truly want to be married, then realize that this may not be the man for you. I understand, at our age, the concerns of retirement security and the need to sometimes put off things in the interest of financial security. But, if your man cannot speak of the possibility of marriage it does not bode well for the future that you envision. Giving excuses, citing the approval of grown children, problems to work out, etc. all point to a man who does not want to get married. So, does he just not want to married again, period? Or does he just not want to be married to you? That is one of the questions you must ask.
Following is a link to Dr. Tracy's website - she no longer publishes a column, but her library contains several articles that are thought provoking. http://www.loveadvice.com/LIBRARY.HTM
I don't understand your comment - "I should not fix something that is not broken". Your relationship does sound broken. Two people with entirely different end goals in mind, is not a "fixed" relationship. A woman whose heart I can hear breaking as I read her words, is not "fixed".
Maybe it is time to step back, separate households, and re-evaluate. You deserve to be with a man who loves you and shares your values. You deserve not to have your self esteem battered every time this man is unable to utter the word marriage. You deserve so much more.
Good Luck
God Bless
If he truly is the man of your dreams then I'm not sure what a piece of paper saying you are married really is that important. Also you said he is a widow, that is a huge deal and a huge part of who he is! It might not be easy for you to understand that but there is probably so many mixed feeling from him about getting married to someone else. He didn't end that marriage the lady died, which means his commitment to her didn't end, he may have tried to move on and may have fell in love with you but could there be some guilt he is feeling about that ? Really If you can't leave the need to be married behind and just love him for him and all that comes with that then maybe he is not the right guy for you.
He seems to have some pretty legitimate concerns surrounding getting married, none of which have to do with whether or not he is in love with you. If all other aspects of your relationship are strong, then let this go. He will ask you when all of the other "issues" are resolved. If you keep pestering him about it when he's been clear on his reasons then it will become a non-issue b/c the relationship will not survive.
Based on what I have read, I would say that if you have a desire to be married, move on. Otherwise, enjoy what you DO have. I know for me, having personally been very hurt by marriage and the subsequent divorce, there is absolutely NO desire to ever walk down any kind of aisle again, your SO might feel the same way, some people simply do not want to get/be married no matter what the situation is; those people are entitled to their feelings, just as you are entitled to your feelings of wanting to be married.
Sorry Marcela, I looked but didn't see anything that wasn't there before. Maybe try it again here?
:)
Sorry again, unless you mean the softball game comment?
