How Is Your Relationship with Your Teen?

I have 12 and 14 year boys.

My 14 year old? We have a good relationship. I'm NOT his friend, I'm his parent. He knows he can come to me for anything.

When he makes mistakes? I ask him what he could have done differently...I ask him WHAT he thinking (or not thinking).

When he does good? We congratulate him and notice it. They need to be noticed for doing good...not just making mistakes...

He can get angry...his hormones are all over the place...

What do I do to stay close? I stay involved...I know his friends. I know his teachers...I know what he does...I don't follow him. But I know where he is and he knows WHAT I expect of him. That line doesn't change. He knows the consequences for actions we deem unacceptable. We don't change those boundaries.

We LISTEN to what he says...we repeat back what he says to make sure we understood it right...Listening and talking WITH them make a huge difference...

Good luck! Hope this helps!!

I think I got really lucky. My 16 yo is an old soul with a real good head on her shoulders. She is a great student and is actively involved in after school activities. She really does not do anything wrong. The worst thing I can think of was a few weeks ago we were in the car waiting for her bus and she started to put on mascara. I told her although our car was stopped we could get rear ended and she only has 2 eyes. She agreed😊.

To stay close, we do things that are enjoyable to all of us...going to the theatre, going to Disney, going out to dinner, going to an amusement park etc.

If you had asked this question about 18 months ago? I would have said absolutely horrible!! Tyler and I were at our wits end. We had moved and our son changed!! He was hanging around the wrong people and making really bad decisions.

We went to counseling and family counseling. The move was a huge change for us. Tyler retired, we knew we were "settled" and this was going to be our forever home. We aren't close the beach. The boys lost their friends and had to make new ones. It was a hard time.

The therapist has helped us become a better family. We thought we were good before, but obviously not, because we didn't know how to reach our son.

Now? He will be 16 soon. He's on honor roll in school, a sophomore and involved, not just with us as a family, but in school and sports.

Our 13 year old is doing well too.

The key for us is being involved, not criticizing mistakes and harping over them again and again. Being role models. And treating our kids with respect. It goes a long way.

My boys are 10 and almost 17. The teen years are my favorite. I've been teaching high school for 19 years because I enjoy those years so much. :)

My teen son and I are very close. We share similar interests, and he is a talker, so communication is easy. We have an open, honest relationship, so when he makes a mistake we talk through it. He takes criticism well and learns from his mistakes. None of us are yellers, so talking through issues works well for all of us. I also use examples and stories from my students as learning experiences for both of my boys.

As for staying close to them, we eat dinner together every night without technology and talk about our day. My oldest often cooks with me. My oldest also loves literature, all kinds (books, magazines, advertising, etc.) and I'm an AP English teacher, so we often discuss whatever we're reading. Movies are a big topic, too. Music is very important in our family, as well. We also go to art museums and music festivals frequently. Sharing in all of this keeps us close.

i LOVED having teens in the house. for me it was none of the misery that most people report. the teen years are probably my favorite.
i think it worked for us partly due to luck. i have pretty easy kids. and we also treated them like the young adults-in-training that they were, ie we had rules and boundaries and requirements, but we didn't impose them from a position of power, we discussed them, their necessity, their flexibility, and had the boys themselves come up with reasonable consequences. there was a lot of discussion and negotiation, and yeah, a lot more trust than most parents are comfortable with.
i won't say it was perfect. chores did not always get done without reminders, schoolwork occasionally had to be imposed, and sometimes our good natures were pushed. but all in all, it worked.
i love the young men who are off in the world having adventures, but i sure do miss my teenagers.
:) khairete
S.

It wasn't the most fun relationship for about three years, with each of them. They just weren't that pleasant, after being very sweet individuals beforehand. Their teen behavior could have been mitigated if my husband hadn't been afraid of confrontation, and supported their brattiness while undermining my authority, but it was what it was. They grew out of it.

How do you correct teens? Briefly but firmly. Long discussions are counterproductive. "You will not do X, or the consequences will be Y." Then follow through with the consequence. That's it. BOTH parents must be unified in this. If you have one parent sending the message that the other parent doesn't need to be respected, or that the child is right and the other parent is wrong, it won't work.

If it's a "mistake" vs. bratty behavior, just say, "Try not to do X." And yes, listening and repeating back is important.

What did I do to stay close to my teen? We weren't particularly "close" during their more challenging times, but I knew that it was a phase, I was their parent and they ultimately loved me, and I loved them, so once they matured it was fine.

p.s. Reading Suz's answer -- I also loved having teens in the house. My kids' friends' behavior never irked me the way my own did. I LOVE other people's teens. It was raucous and fun, and very boring once it ended. So despite the fact that my kids weren't always darlings, the overall experience was enjoyable.

My daughter and I have a great relationship. I think one of the main reasons for that is because I have always let her be who she is, and not tried to shape or influence her into being who others or society think she should be. She knows that no matter what I will love her and support her, and that she can come to me with any issue and I will not judge her....or her friends.

As far as mistakes, we all make mistakes. It's not so much about correcting them as it is about guiding them to see how to not make the same mistake again. Keeping in mind of course that some mistakes are subjective and one must keep an open mind. What can be a mistake for one person may be the correct course of action for another. For example, when my daughter was still in high school, she participated in a summer college prep program. She decided to dye her hair a vivid blue before going. To me this was unthinkable, but to her it was a way to show her personality. It turned out to be very positive for her. She is a shy person by nature and won't start a conversation, but because of her choice, people approached her and she made a number of friends that she still has. She stood out to the staff as well and earned there respect for her individuality. She not only had a positive experience socially, but it made her look forward to going to college instead of apprehensive. Because of blue hair. Who knew??

So, support your kids, don't judge, let them make mistakes. Love them no matter what.

I have a nice relationship with my 14 yo. boy (so far). He is not perfect, he is a teenager with mood swings and desire for independence! I listen to him; we talk a lot especially before bedtime. He has chores around the house as each member of this family. If he is not done with his chores, he is not allowed to play video games or hang out with his friends; I apply the same rule to school (he is home educated).
I let him enjoy time with his friends at home. My husband and I made our home "comfortable" for him to hang out with his friends (ping pong table, board games, some...and some electronics, etc). He still has boundaries, and he knows that he is expected to follow them. When he makes mistakes, I do not nag, I do not yell, and I do not get impatient, I just talk to him firmly, and remind him about rules/instructions/choices.
I really hope our nice relationship continues; I love my son deeply and he knows it.