How Important Is a Home?

Being that you have the kids, and its just him alone he needs to step up to the plate be a man and go be with his family, he can have a real estate agent sell the house, have you thought he isnt trying that hard to sell the house, because he does not want to move.. hummm he needs to make a choice either come live with you or move on, this should not even be a issue, since when does a wife except the word no with no compermise.. and who made him boss. Girl hubby is dragging his feet . and he knows it once a month he visit aww how nice..

Hand over the old house to a real estate agent if possible. Rent it out until it is sold. Don't go backwards. If you have to work, work at the new home. Get the whole family together on this and it will work out.

Evelyn

Hmmm. tough one.
About the "old" house - do you have any equity in it? If not- you need to get help from a real estate agent that specializes in SHORT sales (that is when you sell your house for LESS than you owe on it, and the bank actually agrees to this!)
I am having a hard time with the owners of the "new" house actually agreeing to a 2 year contract waiting for your old house to sell.
Hmm, so are you now "renting" that house from them, until you can actually close contract?
This sounds VERY out of the ordinary, and I cannot think of ANY real estate agent writing this up. Was this a private deal?
Depending on how much equity you have in the old house, another great way of getting yor husband to the new place, would be to rent out your old house.
This could also easily be done with a real estate agent, and you would not have to be there to have it done.
Hopefully the rent you can collect will cover most, if not all of your mortgage payment on the old house.
I am a licensed real estate agent here in California, so any questions, ask away.
About 5 years ago, my husband and I were also fed up with our surroundings, sold our house and moved to the next county over.....only to come back a year later and WISHING we had kept our old house!
Most importantly - you're married and should live together, if someone has to give up something to make that happen-so be it. I have to say I do lean towards moving back into the old house, since that is the only house you actually have a mortgage on. The other house is just an emotional attachment, sorry!
And your husbands family - no matter how far away you move, they'll still get on your nerves. Just imagine them visiting at your new house, and they'd actaully have to sleep over to visit...
:-)

E.

I don't understand why you guys didn't stay together in the first place. You should have just rented out the first house no matter what you got it would have been that much less you had to pay and you would have been together. If that is still a possibility do it, but it doesn't seem your husband ever wanted to leave his town and family maybe it was just your wishful thinking and hoping. Know that he has been a bachlor in that town for 5 months I hope you can get your family together A.S.A.P. no matter what it takes but both of you have to give and work together I don't get why he doesn't want to rent if it means you can stay home with the kids and you guys will be together. Hope you guys are on the same page and want the same thing. Best of luck

Hi A.,
Back in June (my husband and just gotten out of the marine corps) we made the decision to move from Georgia back to California to be closer to my family so the kids would have family. I got offered a job right away and my husband said he and the kids would stay back to sell the house but with this market it could be years before it sold. So we made the decision to move as a family, the job held my spot we put the house off the market and up for rent. I rented it out right away and we packed up and left together. Home is where the heart is, I know its corny but it's so true. Not sure if this helped but that's what we did. We also moved from a 3 bedroom home (1600 sq ft) to a two bedroom 900 sqft apartment and we are HAPPY!!!!

Hello A.,

Renting the 1st house is a solution, but there are a variety of things you as an owner must do before you rent: You need to file your home as a rental property. Then, you pay the city for a safety inspection. They will check for: smoke detectors, hand rail on the stairs, etc. You might end up paying at least $300 to get your permits. Pls check with the city.

There are some great rental companies out there. ReMax Reality was a managment company that I rented from and they kept a pretty good eye on the condo I was renting. They even made sure repairs were done promplty if needed.

Ask Hubby if he can transfer his job to your new location. That way he has work when he arrrives.

Many cannot afford to purchase their own home. Families with 3 kids or more are required by law to have 3 bedrooms if kids are over 2 years old. So many families are living in really expensive 3-bdrm appts and looking for a house to rent.

Look for a Managment company who has a good advertising strategy. Find out how they interview applicants. Usually, they will take 30% of the rent. Ask them to email you an "owners" agreement form for you to view.

Hope this helps from another angle...
M.

Hubby needs to join you and the kids at the new house. Get a Property Manager, rent out the old house.

Perhaps Hubby is having issues himself.. .and is having a hard time leaving his small town & home?

No matter what, the family has to be cohesive... for the kids AND for the marriage.

Example: I have an uncle who is married. They lived in LA all their lives, and have 2 grown children. Granted, he was always an eccentric artist type... BUT, several years ago.. he moved back to Hawaii (the small town he grew up in) WITHOUT his wife. (Wife wanted to stay in LA). His kids by then were in college and "adults" living on the Mainland. BUT.. can you see how this looks to the kids? Um, what kind of "Marriage" is that... when you are separated AND what does it do to the kids???? Not positive that's for sure. Yes, people talk about it and how weird it is. They are still married... but I don't know how or why. They are "separated" geographically and have their own lives. Well, at least their kids are grown adults now.. .and they are great individuals... but, so they visit and travel to visit their Parents in both locales. How about that? Ugh.

No, this is not ideal, especially for kids. Your Hubby needs to really admit to himself what he needs to do, and just do it. A responsibility and commitment is just that.

Take care,
Susan

Everyone has to put up with inlaws and outlaws, and even commutes. If you don't address your financial situation you won't have a home. Anywhere.

the obvious solution seems to be to rent out the house your husband is living in and move in together.
Only seeing each other once a month puts a strain on any marriage and family, and should be avoided at all costs.
Your husband and you need to compromise and come up with a solution you are both in agreement with. doing nothing at this point is not an option for your future together..........
Being together is more important than anything else!!!!!!!!

Lower the price on the house your husband is in so it will sell faster! And you could rent it out as others suggested, but you may have to pay some of the rent if you can't rent it out for the entire mortgage!

In my opinion...Cut your losses on your 1st house, drop the price and get rid of it. The economy is not going to get better soon. To make sure it sells stage your house! Get all the family pics off the wall, remove all animals, take most of the furniture to the new house. If your hubby lost his job, why is he staying behind with this new job??? Have your Realtor handle the house for you and get your family together-fast, I don't like how your describing the situation in his home town..unhealthy. Financially, it sounds like you and hubby have made some poor decisions. Get together and come up with a plan to take on your burden that you have made, even if a second job is required of both of you. I find however, that usually cutting out going out for dinner, planning meals and snacks for the family, cutting out cable and all the cell phones, free family activities etc. may just be enough to get you through the rough spots. Also, include the kids. Mom and dad made poor decisions and have to save...blah, blah...it will affect them as well and it's a good learning lesson. Watch 'Susie Orman' she's a financial planner and doesn't talk over your head, she also has a website. Good luck! A.

First off, your second contract sounds really odd. Have an attorney check out the contact, perhaps there is a way out of it. If a reputable attorney confirms that you're stuck, why not rent out one of the homes? Bankruptcy is an absolute last resort. It will impact you for a very long time, and may affect some new job options. There is no reason for your husband to stay at the first home. Get a real estate agent to sell it. Good luck.

Having the family together as one unit is the most important thing... for your marriage and for the kids. Do what it takes to make that happen. Good luck!

I just wanted to add a little bit about the 'short sale' route. Although this is an option that many people choose (or are forced to choose), please consider that there are tax implications that still apply to the sale of the home. This should be discussed with your accountant.

If you can, rent out your old home.

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE OVER MY DEAD BODY that i would leave my man alone for 5 months! i am with the man i am with now because his fiance moved to vegas because of her job (from south bay) leaving him alone and lonely & thats when he met me. he did not tell me in the beginning he had someone & he even gave me a key a week after coming to his house. eventually he told me about her & broke it off with her and i have been living with him for two years now. get back with him no matter what or risk losing him. it happens. you need to prevent this since you love him & keep your family together. also, remember he chose to marry YOU & not one of those other women.

I think having your husband move to the new place is your best option. With all your husbands family around couldn’t they oversee the old property until it sells? Trying to rent it would be a good idea. This is a difficult situation because you are likely loose quite a bit of money either way. However, the problems you had back there are still there, so moving back to the old home is an option you don’t want to take. Take whatever loses you have too financially but get your husband back with you and don’t go back to the same old problems. I wish you the best.

Dear A.,

My feeling on this is that home is where the family is. There is no reason for you husband to babysit your other house. Hire a real estate agent (worth the money as no one can give you time back) Then the real estate agent show the house without him. They can use a lock box for the key. Hire a gardener, or a neighborhood boy to maintain the yard (so it will be appealing for a new family) and have family members occasionally check the house to make sure its still okay.

Your husband needs to be with you and the kids. Your children need to see you in a healthy relationship as they will model their relationships after yours. They also need a father figure. I am also sure that you would love to have him home with you for a million other reasons.

So call him up and remind him, in a playful way of course, that he is married to you, not the old house. :)

I think it sounds like your husband has changed his mind on the move. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her husband got a job in Wa where they wanted to live, but they couldn't sell their condo in SoCal. He moved up there and got there new house while she stayed behind with their son and rented out the condo waiting for it to sell. It finally did and now they're all together, but it took over a year. That was about a year ago. Have you thought of renting out your 1st house? If there is so much family there someone should be able to watch out for the place so your husband can move up with the family. The rental income could pay the mortgage and you could keep it on the market. If your in-laws are anything like my MIL, they're probably trying to convince him to stay put and working against you. Not saying they are for sure, but you need to talk to your husband. You should be the most important thing to him and being with you at the top of his list.

Wow A., this is a tough one, I do agree with you that family is more important than a house. If you were to do what your husband asked would you loose money with the second house? heres a suggestion, why not rent the old house out, while you are waiting for it to sell, and have your husband move to the new house with you and the kids, one thing that I have always believed and always will believe is the right, wrong or indifferent families should stay/be together. J. L.

You already got some great advice, but I want to throw in a comment. Our Pastor reminded us of this on Sunday....All that we have...our houses, cars, pretty things and even our families are really God's and they are on loan from him to us. So, I say you need to decide which of those things are most precious. Let go of the things that don't really matter. Maybe the old house, maybe the new one...I'm guessing family is what matters most to you.

God Bless!

Hi A.,

I don't understand why he has to live in the house that is for sale. (?) However, who am I foolin...when my husband and I first married he worked all over the country while I refused to go with him because I was not going to move all over the place and be unstable. So we lived apart with limited visits until he decided to stay home and be with his family.

I understand it is hard to be apart, but I feel it is important to allow people get that stuff out of their system. In my opinion, you can only control a person for so long before they leave and do what they want anyway. In my case, I felt he wanted to try to make it some place else because he felt he was going to get somewhere in the job market. While I refused to chase that dream with him and wanted to be near my family, I would have moved with him once he was stable (not moving from state to state). Neither one of us were able to control each other until he decided enough was enough. It wasn't by any means a victory, but giving him the opportunity to try to fulfill his dreams. I think now 12 years later, he knows he has achieved the same thing while living with his family.

Maybe my scenario is not the same as yours, you have to decide what is important and best for your family. You have a few different factors involved.

I wish you the best!!
C.

I am really sorry you are in this situation - I know how hard these things can be - and how hard it can be to make decisions. We wanted to move about 13 years ago and our house was worth less than we owed, so it wasn't an option. We ended up renting the house out for about seven years before we finally sold it and made a lot of money! So, consider renting it out, you can do a month to month or a year lease. Hopefully you can rent it for enough to cover the mortgage. If not, the difference should be tax deductible at the end of the year. I loved that part. We could cover the mortgage, but not the taxes, insurance, etc. But all of that was deducted off my tax bill at the end of the year. And, it's better than making the whole payment and you'll be together.

Dear A.,

You're in a really tough situation. I haven't had to go through this yet. But in my opinion, your home- meaning your whole family living together- is most important. Kids won't remember, or care, how fancy the house was or if it was owned. They will remember the time spent with you and being tucked in by Daddy and Mommy each night, and that seeing Daddy isn't "vacation". Plus, parenting should be a partnership- the burden shouldn't be all on you and your husband needs to feel he is integral to the family, not just a paycheck.

You can rebuild credit. But you can't rebuild your family.

Best wishes.

Two of your kids don't want to move back you said...probably because your new husband's family won't accept them. Is he worth it? I know it's your second marriage but he sounds selfish. You are your children's primary caregiver and advocate. Don't let them down because they are counting on you. good luck whatever you decide.

Do whatever you need to do to get the family under one roof. I don't see why he has to be in the old house waiting for it to sell. He could be there forever! (hopefully not, but you get what I mean). You've lived in your new home for 5mos now, is it everything you dreamed of? If so, then find a place to rent. The area (location) you live in is more important than the actual home. Who cares what you live in if you don't love the neighborhood or vice versa. If you watched Oprah the other day with Suze Orman - you wouldn't be posting your question. I didn't get to see the whole show but the first 20 minutes were great. See if you can get your hands on it. I think it will give you some very useful advice. Sounds like hubby may need to watch it too.

I think I'm mostly thinking about all the stuff you said about hubby. He lost his longtime job, is surrounded by ex's some you say don't want to come to grips that he is married and he is alone. Any worries that he may do something he'll regret? He is so vulnerable. I would think he'd be better off with you looking for a new job.

Whatever you decide, put your children first. I wish you the best,
M.

this may not be the popular opinion, but why can't you close on the first home until the second is sold. People buy second homes all the time. Go ahead and close on the new home and then let the original home foreclose.

Is your husband working? Why hasn't he moved up there with you yet. he doesn't need to be in the house for it to sell. it actually may sell faster if it is empty.

Anette,

DO NOT leave your husband alone anymore time, convince him to move with you and get a job, or you will have to go back so your marriage does not suffer, distance can harm a relationship, specially if he is with family, friends and ex's and you are by yourself taking care of the kids.
You NEED TO BE TOGETHER!

It's not good to be split up. The kids need their dad and you need your hubby. The property manger is a great idea since you are out of state from the other house. Get a renter and get your hubby back. If you eventually need to forclose, so be it. Yes, it will suck, but better to have your family intact.

I feel having the family together is most important. 5 months is way to long to be apart. This is was beyond, "absance makes the heart grow fonder". This could be harming your marriage.
Dump the house and go rent somewhere.
That's what I would do.
Good luck!

Walk away from the house. Unless you can rent it out and still make your mortgage payments he should be with you. Being together is WAY more important than your credit score or a house.

There is something very fishy going on here. A few things, actually. First of all, why does your husband have to stay in the old house and "wait for it to sell"? That is just so much baloney. Lower your asking price and hire a realtor to sell it. Or if it really doesn't look like it will sell any time soon, rent it out. My feeling is that your husband simply does not want to move. He is attached to his family, he is attached to his town, and apparently not so much to you and your family. On top of that, he has old girlfriends who do not acknowledge his marriage to you, and his family does not accept you.
Fishy issue number two - a two year contract? So basically, you haven't bought the new house at all. You are renting it with intent to buy at some point. As for foreclosing on the old house - I would strongly suggest not compounding this situation with such a bad financial move. Many other options should be tried first.
I hate to say it, but it sounds as if your marriage may very well be over and you are the last one to realize it. If that is not true now, it will be soon if you can't get him to move.
You asked us what we would do. I can tell you what I would do. I'd get to the bottom of this situation, and quick. Have a no-nonsense conversation with your husband. Take the blinders off. Ask him flat out if he truly intends to move to the new location. Hopefully he will answer truthfully. If his answer is yes, you both need to arrange for that move to happen within one month. Find a realtor, a property manager, or rent that place out. If your husband does not move within a month, or 6 weeks at the longest, there you have it. The handwriting on the wall. Denial will get you nowhere. If he doesn't show, consider yourself a single mother again and get on with your life.

I would find a renter for the house in the small town and help your husband find a job in the new town so he can move soon. Best of luck in your situation.

Just my 2 cents. If you both like the new place then drop the price, on the one you are trying to cell. I don't know all the facts but you can't expect your marriage to hang on when you are purposely pulled apart, and sooner or later you will come to the point that he's mad at you for wanting to move in the first place when things where just fine the way they were. Even if they weren't, it will come down to your the only one with a problem.

Maybe the answer is to come back, but keep the house on the market, get a diffrent realistate person, then when the house sells you go back to where you want to live and rent until you find a house you both like again.

I guess no-one can really tell you what to do but being together wherever that might be is best. God must have a reason for this you just got to figure out what's most important a house or a family that's together. A home is what you make it. It's simply a place to hang your hat, or rest your tiered self. It can be happy or sad. Try to stay out of the faimly issues and only go when you have to and only stay a few hours. Even if you lie that you have to visit someone else and you all go to the movies. Maybe prayer will help, and ask more directly that you need your family together to please help you to figure out what you're suppost to do or learn from this, that you are happy and you love this home, and it feels right being here. I hope this helps, my heart goes out to you. Best wishes in every way.J.

A friend of mine had the same issue. She stayed in another state with their three kids trying to sell the home, he had to move for work. After a YEAR apart from her husband, she decided enough was enough. She moved to be with him and now they gave the bank back the home.

This is a BAD market, don't let it tear your family apart :(

Hi, A.. My heart goes out to you. My husband and I are in a very similar situation. We both owned homes and we have been making double mortgage payments for two years. The market is so bad where we live that we can't get out from under either house and it is killing us financially. He is very devoted to his family, who treated my children like outsiders. That got so bad that my youngest used to beg me to leave him home alone rather than make him go to their house (he was 5 at the time).

It is horrible to be pulled in so many directions, especially when you love your husband and want so much for your kids. It's easy to say "Why didn't we.." or "We never should have...", but the fact of the matter is that you are where you are. The only advice I can give you is pray about it and then decide what you want and what the best course of action is. Make pros and cons lists if you have to.

If there are jobs for your husband where you are and the general economics are better, rent our your old house and stay in the new one. Even if you can only rent it for a portion of the current payment (based on the market), it's that much less you have to come up with. (However, if you rent it, avoid the problems and hire an agency to handle it - in my town it costs 10% of the payment amount and they take care of all repairs, collecting rent, eviction if necessary, etc.). You can only do what you can do. If you end up losing your home, it's about 2 years before you can purchase another home. If you've been a faithful tenant and the landlord also has multiple homes they are trying to sell, they may be willing to give you another year or two on your contract to get your credit back up and purchase the home. There are lease options and other things you can do, but make sure you talk to a financial advisor so you know all the ramifications.

If you are going to make your marriage and your family work, you need to be together. However: One thing you HAVE to consider is that you are your children's advocate. No one else is and they are dependent on you to make decisions that are in their best interest to promote a healthy, happy and secure home and environment. If they are unhappy because they are treated poorly by your in-laws, you have to do what's right for them. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if your husband allows the kids to be treated poorly by his family, then you have more serious issues to consider than just distance. Since you have family where you are now, I assume they can provide needed support if it comes to that.

All that said, please know that my comments assume your family is kind and welcoming to your husband. If you pray about this and talk to your husband in an open and loving manner, you'll make the decisions that are best for your children and your family. Assuming you and your husband are on the same page regarding the kids and your commitment to your marriage, do your best to make the decision with your husband. The last thing you want/need is for him to blame you in the future if things aren't rosey.

Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this.