How Do You Help a Grown Person That Is Not Trying to Help Themselves?

Your Mom is an adult and I assume of reasonably sound mind.
She makes her choices and if she is miserable it is self inflicted.
You can do nothing for your Mom.
But you can talk to your sister and try to get her to get busy with her own life and not wait on her Mom hand and foot.
It could be your Mom enjoys the attention she gets when she is sick - clearing up her illnesses quickly and without drama would spoil her fun.
If you and your sister take the attention out of the equation, who will your Mom moan to?
Next time you talk to Mom, as she complains about her symptoms, just tell her
"I'm so sorry you feel bad but you know what to do to get better. In the mean time, what are your wishes for funeral plans in the event you let this go too far and it's too late for the doctors to do anything about it?".
After that, make it clear that you and your sister have plans (going to a movie or a concert - something fun) and if your Mom were well maybe she could come too but since she's not, well life/fun will go on without her.
Your Mom needs an interest, a hobby, some friends of her own that will give her a desire to stay healthy enough so she can have fun.

Does she ask you for your help? I understand wanting to force her to do the "right" thing, but if she's not pulling you into it, then you eally don't have much of a dilemma. Leave her alone. When she complains about discomfort, suggest that she see her doctor or ask if she's followed the directions of her doctor. If her answer is no, then you can remind her that that is why she's not feeling well, and drop it. If you want to take it further, ask her what she wants you to do. She'll either have an idea of what she needs from you or she won't. You can choose to do what she asks. If it's nothing, then your job is done. (I wish that I could attach a flow chart here.)

My point is to stop making a fuss over her and let her be in charge of her own health. It doesn't seem to be a life-or-death matter, and it's hers to manage. AND you don't say that her mental capacity prohibits her good judgment. That's how you help someone who won't help himself; you step out of it. Tell your sister the same. She is young enough to need permission and guidance to let her mother manage her own health. She's still a baby. Since she's still at home with mom, she's been taught to feel responsible for how her mother is getting on, and you will need to help her get over that so she can be a healthy adult.\

There's an adult for you to take some responsibility for and help her to help herself: your sister. Right now, she is a legitimate cause. Your mother is not.

Ok, I'm fully in support of family helping family when they need it but I'm also fully in support of the fact that you simply can't force a fully capable adult of doing anything. It's part of the Independent Living Philosophy whether someone has a disability or not. If you think that she's UNABLE to care for herself, then you might want to consider a conservatorship or guardianship but that will mean proving it in court and if you can prove her incompetent then you'll be responsible for her legally. Don't even shoot for power of attorney because it's useless and can be revoked at any time for no reason at all. With a conservatorship or guardianship, those are binding and she couldn't revoke them without going to court.

If she's of sound mind, however... then you have to accept the fact that it's really up to your mother to take care of herself. It's not your job or your sister's job. You would NOT be neglecting her if you made her responsible for her own health and life. Sure, check in on her and ask her if she needs help with anything... but you can't and shouldn't force anything on her.

How old is she? Could she benefit from having someone come in a couple of times a week to help with the house, like from Companions and Homemakers? She could have more control over her own home that way because then she could tell them what needed to be done around the house rather than having her daughters telling her what needed to be done in her own home and how she should be taking care of herself.

ASK your mother if you can attend a doctor's appointment with her and have a meeting to talk about what your concerns are WITH her and her doctor. You need to be ready to listen to both her and the doctor. I really think that it could be an eye opening experience for both of you. You could both figure out what needs to be done regarding her health that way and what new ground rules ought to be, and what your boundaries should be and when she ought to be asking for help.

The short answer is, you really can't. Is it the attention she's craving? How old is she? Does she have an active life or is she all about her own aches and pains? I'm sad your sister has to live with this dysfunction. Is there some adult relative who lives nearby who can help manage this? As ReverendRuby says, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

She is a grown woman and is getting attention out of this. So, I don't think she is going to be changing any time soon.

Next time, I would say "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, this isn't anything new and you know what needs to be done, so what do you want for dinner"? I wouldn't engage in any of the craziness. Not that you are compassionate but your mom is getting something out of this behavior.

As for your sister, she has lived with this enough to know what to do as well. I would answer the phone only a couple of times and then I would turn the phone off.

I would also make sure that you mom has made arrangements regarding funeral and whatnot. That conversation might freak her out enough to know that you are serious.

Good luck, you are going to need it.

If she won't go to a regular doctor, I suppose she won't go to a counselor, even with you. Because she does need a mental health professional. I am assuming she is capable of getting herself to the doc. If she takes care of other parts of her life, you can't get her committed or evaluated without her consent. Power of attorney will not help. Been there, done that.

Your poor sister is not a mental Heath professional. She needs to get away from there, like yesterday. Is she still in high school or out? Can she come live with you?

I had an mil with a prescription pain pill addiction and a way of keeping people around by doing this very thing. There was nothing we could do or say to make a difference. She did not care about how much she hurt others. They were just there to do her bidding. It's narcissistic. It progressed to suicide threats that were just blackmail to control people. More than that it was a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Look at the symptoms on BPDfamily.com.

You need to read a book called, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
It may give you the courage to put up some boundaries in your life.
You mom is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, she just chooses not to. Everybody makes choices. Yours should be to keep yourself emotionally healthy and give your sis the chance to be also.

Present solutions to your mom that don't involve you. Don't give out personal details of your life. Distance yourself from this drama.

We cant change the behaviors of ANY other person.
We can only change out own reaction.

You MIGHT explain to your mom that if she takes better responsibility for her own health, she would be placing less burden on her children. That might make her think. Unless, of course, making your lives harder us get goal.

Good luck!

There is nothing you can do to make her cooperate.
From what you described, I think being physically ill is not your mom's biggest problem. It sounds like she is mentally ill.

Honestly, the best thing for both you and your sister is to learn how to make boundaries with mom. Help your sister get on her feet and get moved out after she graduates and gets work. Your mother sounds very highly manipulative and like someone who gets attention through deliberate malingering... she's complaining 'poor me' but not taking her medication as she is supposed to, then calling the nurse but not going in. She is creating drama where there doesn't need to be any. All you and your sister can do is to control your own lives. Stop telling yourselves 'it isn't fair'-- you don't want to get stuck in that sort of victim thinking-- and tell yourselves "she's not taking care of herself, that's going to be her problem to have to deal with, and we are going to take care of ourselves."

If she calls up to complain, tell her "mom, you know what you have to do and I'm done discussing this with you. Either we can talk about something else, or I need to go." Then, if she continues complaining say "you know you need to see the doctor, I can't make you do that, and I'm not discussing this any further. Goodbye." Then hang up and go be a grown-up. I know you hate to see her sick like this, but she is mentally ill and continuing to fret over her isn't going help her-- it's only going to continue to keep you enmeshed. She isn't mentally healthy, D.. I say this as a grown woman with my own mentally ill mother. There's nothing you can do to change the situation, no matter how much she tries to make you and your sister responsible for her happiness--- only SHE can do it. She may choose to never change and never get well, so take my advice-- buy the book "Boundaries" and learn some coping skills now, because this may only worsen as she gets older. You are not responsible for her-- and do help your sister get out of there when she can. Good luck.

Stop answering the phone, find something to keep you busy where you have to turn your phone off or on vibrate. Help sister grow up. Mom is hard for her to handle and you're keeping mom and sister dependent on you.

I'm sorry she is being difficult about it, but as you said, she is a grown woman, and there really isn't anything you can do to MAKE her cooperate. You can try talking to her, bribe her, whatever.. but the bottom line is that she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to. Unless perhaps you can prove that she is a danger to herself or others and have her institutionalized for a 24 hour hold or something---although that hardly sounds like what is going on.

When she gets one of these infections (sounds like you, too, know what it is) perhaps you can offer to pick her up and have lunch after her doctor appointment or something so that you are involved in it, so it isn't just harping on her to go. ?

Is there some reason that your mother won't go see a regular doctor? Is it possible that she is hiding an addiction to pain pills, for instance? Such things are much easier to hide if you don't see a physician regularly.

The person in this situation who may actually need and accept your help is your sister. She is living with a parent who may be using her bad health as a means to control her mostly grown child. Does your mother's behavior interfere with your sister's ability to do well at school/work? When your sister wants to move out, it is not hard to imagine that your mom will counter with, "But I need you to take care of me." Can you help your sister get out of your mother's house?

You really can't unfortunately. Maybe this is how she gets attention and she feeds off the worry and concern from you and your sisters. I wouldn't argue with her or feed into the drama anymore. My mother use to do this and I got to the point that I realized that I was stressing myself out trying to impress upon her what she should/should not do to maintain her health. Then it hit me..........it's HER health. And the really sad part is that my mother is a nurse and new better, but made poor decisions that worsened her health.

I would bring all this up to her physician (if you go with her for any doctors visit) or during her next trip to the ER. There could be some undiagnosed mental illness issue here.

Old adage:
"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
In other words you can't make an adult take care of themselves if they choose not too. Sometimes it can be a variation on Munchusen syndrom. When they are sick they get a lot of attention and they like being the center of attention so they get sick a lot.
You can try to talk to the nurse at her doctor's office and explain your concerns. Suggesting maybe a form of mental illness and maybe she should be checked into a psych ward for an evalution. But mental health laws are so strict you may not be able to get her evaluated. And HIPPA laws being what they are the nurse and the doctor may not even be able to discuss her case or symtoms with you.
See if you can get your mom to sign a medical power of attorney making you or your sister her spoksperson if she can not speak for herself, it will also give her doctor and his staff the freedom to discuss her issues with you.
If nothing else tell your sister to move out and leave mom to her own devices. Tell mom it's time for her to take care of herself and she doesn't then she is on her own.

To answer your question, you can't help her. She does what she wants and that's it. You have to put up a good solid boundary wall and let the chips fall where they may. I know that is hard to say and do sometimes but it is the truth. She may have given you life but she is not in control of taking yours away from you.

Sometimes we have to do the tough love with family members and view them from afar. We have to let them sink or swim on their own without the safety net in order for them to learn and understand the choices they make.

Taking her to the doctors or a counselor is not going to happen until she wants to do it.

So please make peace with your choice and let it be. Stop beating your head on a brick wall getting a headache with no changes. Life is too short of all this drama. Learn to live your own and not worry so much about hers. As another person mentioned asked her how she would like to be buried or her funeral service in case she doesn't make it. Maybe that will shock her into reality. Do hold your breath on the results.

Have a happy and stress free holiday season for your family and your sister.

the other S.

You can only control yourself.

If I were you, I would sit down and tell my mom, point blank, that I love her, but if she is not going to help herself, then there is nothing either you or your sister can do to help her and further, that if she won't help herself, you don't even want to hear about her complaints. I don't know how forceful you are when you talk to her, but there comes a point where we have to treat our parents like our children. So, I would be very stern when I spoke to her so that she will KNOW that you mean business. If she is still uncooperative, wash your hands of it. Tell your sister to spend as much time away from home as possible and to move out as soon as possible.

There is really nothing you can do for someone who refuses to help themself.