How Do You Answer When a Non Parent Teaches You to Be One?

I would just say, "Thanks for noticing. Could you pick up those toys while I give the baby her bath?"

I agree--tell her to look around & get going & pitch in!

After all, if you see someone drowning, you don't stand there and watch, right?

There is nothing you can say that she will understand. There is NO way to understand the demands of having children unless you have them.

Just tell her, "thanks, I'll take that into consideration," and then vent about what an annoying know-it-all she is on Mamapedia.

Edit: LOL -- great and better responses below!

Urrg!! I can't stand people like that! My smarty pants response is always the same: "Yea, I know, I was a better parent before I had kids too!" Usually shuts em up! ;-)

Tell her , "You are SO right! Why don't you pick up the living room while I bathe the toddler, and then we can wash the dishes together?!?" My theory is "If you don't like, clean it up. If you don't want to help, keep your thoughts to yourself. If you can't do that, there's the door." I have a seven year old, a very ACTIVE three year old and a two month old. I work full time outside the home. I also do all of the household chores. I spend about 10% of my time just trying to declutter and rotate the ever changing sizes and seasons on the kids clothes. The clothes are clean. They may or may not be in the drawers. There will ALWAYS be some toys in the floor. If we pick up before company comes over, I have to make the kids stay upstairs so there won't be toys in the floor. I sweep daily, wash dishes nightly and do a load of laundry a day. I clean the bathrooms weekly. I really, really need to dust right now. Just do your best and ignore her! Your house sounds perfectly fine.

"You know, you're right. I must be doing this all wrong. I don't know why I haven't asked you about this before. Here's the baby (hand her the baby and try to make sure there's a nice poopy diaper on board). I'm going to take a nice hot bath and maybe a nap. Could you be a dear and keep the baby busy while you pick up the place, wash the dishes, make dinner, clean up again and maybe run the vacuum cleaner and dust a little. Be sure you don't leave the baby alone for a minute or plop her in front of the TV and if you have to pee make sure you take the baby with you." That should do the trick.

Just smile and say "ignorance is bliss". Leave it at that.

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The next time she asks what would you like for a gift, Let her know you would love for her to watch the kids at your house for a long weekend. hee, hee.. That will put a cork in her mouth..

If she's your husband's sister I would say, "haha, you sound just like your brother when he tries to tell the football player how to play the game on tv." Leave it at that. Laugh, always laugh.

What is her profession? I'd say SIL how would you like it if I gave my opinion on your job which I have no experience, becasue you my dear have no experience to give advice for my "job". Annoying.

Since she is family I would say what I told my husband once....if it brothers you enough to point it out to me then pick it up yourself. You could help instead of standing there like an old prude.

For non family just smile and comment on how much freedom you had once before children. Those were the days.

Just ignore her, just laugh and brush her off. Her ignorance is blatant and she will never have an idea of what it is like since she has chosen not to have children. Remember, you have the upper hand, not her, since you actually have the experience and she never will. Again, just laugh when she says the idiotic things she says and say, "You have no idea what your are talking about" and go on about your day....

Oooooh! I just go NUTS with people like these, but I think you found the right answer:

"You should tell your friends to write a book about their secret because I still haven't found the secret to balance *all without any help*."

And then, just tell her "You know, if you want to come over and help me clean up from time to time, that would be really nice. Otherwise, I know how much work I have to do, and I have to prioritize, so some things have to wait. I don't tell you how to run your life, and I would appreciate it if you would do the same and just overlook the mess when you come to visit."

Personally, I think she's *not* saying these things to be helpful, but because she's got her own problems or is incredibly immature (and lacking a reality check). Seriously, in the entire time I nannied, the only time I ever saw a spotless house was because the housekeeping service had just been over! And it was like that for all of 5 minutes, until the kids began taking off their shoes and getting out their toys... you get the picture. Even the "on top of it" moms are not 24/7 on top of things... and those women had paid help coming in for childcare, house care, dog walkers, etc.Seriously-- she needs to get off her high horse, stop making you feel terrible, and either get in there and help or keep her mouth shut!

You are doing JUST FINE! I'm sending you a hug right now. (WOW-- your SIL pissed me off too!)
H.

You should tell her that anytime she wants to pitch in and help you (meaning actually roll up her sleeves and do some work), you would welcome the help.

If you have a good relationship with your husband's sister, I would tell her that it hurts your feeling when she is critical of you, that you put your husband and children before other things and you doing the best you can with not much help.

Some people by nature are just more orderly than others. I find it's easier to go help my mother, sisters or friend do some cleaning at their homes then it is for me, at times, do get the job done in my own house.

I have also observed that, in some cases, there is more love and warmth in a messy house then in the homes where you feel you can barely sit down.

Lastly, tell her forget the book, you don't have time to read the book, just lend a hand or, with love, she needs to zip it.

Does she even have a dog? I wouldn't just put my dog outside....I love my child and my dog. Maybe she should get a puppy that needs to be potty trained, I'll bet she would fall in love, clean up it's "accidents" and have less time on her hands to instruct you.

Blessings.......

Tell her kindly that "thank you for you offer to show me exactly what you mean". When she says "what?" Tell her that since she knows what needs to be done she should show you over and over again until you are as good a parent and housekeeper as she is.

Or, tell her that as soon as she is able to lead by example you may consider taking her advice but since she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes she should not be judging you.

I tell my kids, "If you can talk the talk then you sure as hell better be ready to walk the walk." Your SIL does not have kids so there is no way she knows what it is like. I think you are doing things just fine. So many people are ready to pass judgment because they are scared to look in their own closet. My sister in the same way. She has two dogs and she thinks she can raise them so much better then my three kids. I think my sister is scared to have kids because she would be a failure as a parent. When she talks her trash then I just smile and say, "You have no idea."

My MIL was like that she was the only person who knew how to do anything correctly. Funny cause her house was always a mess and dirty. Tell her thanks but instead of telling you how to do things she should show you and start doing something. It's easy to run your mouth.
You could start to refer to her as 'the inspector general'. When she comes into your home say something like "hey kids the inspector general is here I guess we better clean-up."
Or just tell her not to drop over but to call before she comes over.

For a minute I thought you were describing my house as I looked quickly around while reading your post. LOL. I'm a perfectionist by nature. I want things done just right...I will do something over again if I didn't do it right the first time. When it comes to my house my perfect world is well, less than perfect. I tell my children (ages 11 , 8, and 4...and I'm 33 weeks pregnant) that I would be mortified if anyone came by unexpectedly and saw my house the way it is. The way my house is NOT a good representation of who I am but children are messy...they leave messes in their wake. No matter how hard I try or how many times I hound them, my house is messy.

If your SIL was MY SIL, I would ask her why she doesn't watch your kiddos for a day so you can get some things done. Better yet, why don't you ask her why she doesn't offer to come by and help with the house work...since she does it so well. What nerve. She needs a life! Seriously.

I like the ignorance is bliss answer... heck next time she says something about it, make that your open door to ask her to help you. When she declines the invitation to help then politely ask her to quit with the negative comments. I have 4 kids (5, twin 3, and 1) my house will NOT get the perfect house award but i do my very best... i vacume, sweep, and do dishes daily... my lauundry, albeit clean, will get piled up on the couch, the kids rooms will have mountains of toys before i get a chance to get in there, the table could use a washing, my fridge has spills in it.... but you know what, my kids are clean, they are happy, we have played together, homework has been done, and bedtime stories read.... THATS WHATS IMPORTANT!!

Lol! My little sister does this same thing! I can't wait until she has kids. She THINKS she knows, because she babysits our 4 year old brother for 3 hours once a week... Whenever she gets all 'know it all' on me, I just remind her that I used to babysit all the time too, and now I have a kid of my own so I KNOW the difference. She can't argue with that until she has her own. Hee hee hee. And if she does manage to keep house and take care of her kid (when she has one) the way she thinks it should be done now, more power to her... but I highly doubt she will have such high standards if that ever happens. lol.

I always say..." I was a fantasitc parent until I became one".

Laurie A has the answer! I also have a self-righteous perfectionistic SIL who's kids are younger than mine and she does not understand the stage we are in and has plenty of judgments and occasionally vocalizes them. I have found it best to let it go, otherwise it just causes problems.

OMG what an irritating woman!
AND she sounds, very very very, selfish. Look at her life. She can't even visit her Mother or brother.

I have a sibling like that.... but after watching my kids for 3 hours or playing with them when she comes over, she can't handle it. And then she leaves.
She see's me rushing around and doing EVERYTHING in the house... and she goes back home to her boring quiet everything in its place, life and home.
She does not want kids either.

NO, I do not know of any Mom, that keeps her house like a museum all the time.

Your life is typical and normal.
Her's is not.

Oh and going back to my sibling. Well as I said my sibling is similar. She was SO Busy SO busy SO busy and her life SO perfect and neat. Well, she couldn't even visit my Dad, when he was ill. She was SO busy! And she was SO perfect. Well, one day my Dad died. And then her life... became SO empty. SO selfish. SO, meaningless. Because only then, did she realize that she COULD have made time for everyone. But did not.
And how criticizing she was of people. And how, superficial her life was.
But its too late. My Dad, died. And only afterward, did she realize, how UNimportant her life was.

I would... Have your SIL... babysit ALL your kids one day... for at least 5 hours. And make sure she feeds them and entertains them and bathes them etc.
Then see, if she can handle all that.
AND keep your home, clean and picked up.

You've gotten GREAt advice here, I'll add feel free to babble on and on about how much you enjoy spending time with your kids, not getting all OCD over a spotless house. Try to be more like her (only when she's around) and criticize her lifestyle choices, sweetly of course, "I guess it must be so nice and neat when you get home to your empty apartment, sometimes I think it would be nice to live like you do all alone and tidy and quiet but then I think how sad I'd be, I mean these kids and my hubby are the light of my life and I wouldn't trade my life style for the cleanest house in the world." when she brings up her perfect friends say "oh I'm so glad I'm the kind of mom who just enjoys seeing her kids playing happily and doesnt keep nagging at them to clean up -i've seen that -it's soo sad. I'm really relieved I'm too busy enjoying my family to get all OCD over a neat house" and remind her most people have cleaning help (most of her friends do anyway)

AAAHHHH!!! I am having this same problem w/ my mom lately. Apparently, she has no memory of our childhood. ;)
Not to mention if you were to go to her house NOW she has paper mess everywhere! And other piles of junk too.
She can't stand that there are glasses on my coffee table. Really? That is soooo important?
Grrr.
I think in your situation Grandma T gave you great advice. ;)

My mom did this to me and I just invited her to not visit if my home was so offensive to her. After 14 years, she finally took me up on that offer and we've both been much happier.

I grew up in a house that was forever immaculate--as in always ready for the Better Homes and Garden magazine photographer--and it was hell. We spent all weekend tending to the house and yard chores; we never just enjoyed the house and yard. I always loved being at my friends' houses with all the clutter and general "family-ness" lying about. Their homes felt warm, comfortable and lived in.

I have two active teenage sons and my house sounds like yours. I'm lucky if I can keep the bathrooms tidy, the kitchen clean and the laundry caught up. My furniture is used or overly loved by the pets and kids. I try not to sweat it. I do a 15 minute project a day plus a 15 minute tidy with the help of whomever is home at that time. If you have happy kids and you can live with your home the way it is, then I say pffffffft to your sister.

Good luck.

I don't remember asking for your advice. Smile.

If they are family I tell them to feel free to quietly step in and help out. You know how to fold clothes? Great, there's the basket. Wash dishes? The soap is on the counter.

If she is at your house and she's family, the thing she SHOULD be saying is "how can I help you while I'm here?" If she isn't say that, ask! say "well, do you think you could help me with these clothes?" etc

I am one of those moms that goes nuts if the house is messy. It makes me very uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it has a lot to do with tolerance of your surroundings. I honestly wish I was not as affected by a messy house. Although, I could care less if another mom's house is messy, and I totally understand moms who have a not-so-tidy house. I'm also a SAHM, so I'm in the house ALL day... My four kids still have tons of fun and make messes, but the messes don't stay there very long.

My brother who has no kids helps me out with my kids (when he's around- not so often), but never in a bossy way, he just does the work for me, and he is just great with the kids! it is great to have him around! that is what family should do, if anything...

Just look her in the eye and tell her that if she has such fabulous ideas, skills and techniques -to get busy! Seriously, I would. Tell her she honestly has no clue what it's like to be a parent and you don't care what her friends with kids do or don't do -they aren't you with your kids. Don't worry about offending her -she offends you constantly. She needs to learn to shut up or get busy!

Wow. I really think the only thing you can say is "I really don't need your judgment. I am doing the best I can." She is being very rude.

BTW, I am fortunate to work from home, my husband is home every night, my kids help with the chores, I am an OCD clean freak and spend a very large portion of my day cleaning. I STILL cannot keep the house spotless. It is not possible with young children. They are too quick!

I'm sorry but your sister is rude and selfish in these comments. If she had an ounce of love and care, she wouldn't say anything negative. Instead, she would roll up her sleeves and find a way to bless you by tidying up and helping you. What a totally different experience that would be for both of you! You would be so blessed by her help, and she would be blessed by helping. She would probably be the one most blessed by it. Next time, you might suggest that she could help by picking up the toys while you wash the baby. And thank her in advance! :)

Are you available this weekend to watch the kids so hubby and I can get away? Then have the place SPOTLESS when you leave and question any deviation from that when you return ;-). This is somewhat in jest. Funny thing about people, they are so willing to offer advice on something they have never done. SOMETIMES that brings a fresh perspective. My Dad used to stand behind my Mom and tell her how to sew. He NEVER used the sewing machine or picked up a needle that I saw! Drove us all batty!

OMG, I think you just described my house too! I would invite her to spend the weekend with you...so she can see "what you do". She sounds like a very judgemental, wicked woman and I would completely disregard her nasty comments. I say good for you...you're making time to exercise and take care of yourself; it sounds like you're doing a lot of this alone with hubby away and if you're kids are happy and your house isn't being condemned then just keep doing what you're doing. I have three (5,3,1) and work full time and I know how you feel - it's very hard to balance it all out. Just do the best you can...a clean house would be great, but those kids will be grown before you know so enjoy them while you can!

Updated

OMG, I think you just described my house too! I would invite her to spend the weekend with you...so she can see "what you do". She sounds like a very judgemental, wicked woman and I would completely disregard her nasty comments. I say good for you...you're making time to exercise and take care of yourself; it sounds like you're doing a lot of this alone with hubby away and if you're kids are happy and your house isn't being condemned then just keep doing what you're doing. I have three (5,3,1) and work full time and I know how you feel - it's very hard to balance it all out. Just do the best you can...a clean house would be great, but those kids will be grown before you know so enjoy them while you can!

Just ignore it...don't even gratify her with an answer...just tell her....just wait till you have kids, or feel free to pitch in. Accept no guilt from this person....Is it a priority to have spotless house at all times at all costs???? So you have your priorities straight. If she can't keep her comments to herself....she doesn't need to visit.

My extremely OCD friend was at the house one day and commented that she was so proud of me that my bar was clear. It is our usual dumping ground when we first come in. I have not invited her back over.... we still see each other and spend time together, just not hear. I am not going to listen to someone criticize my every house keeping skill. I know I am not the best house keeper, but I am by far not the worst. However I do work 40 hours a week, commute to my job (not a big commute 1/2 hour each way), have a 5 year old, have a 1 year old, 4 indoor dogs and 5 indoor cats (that was not on purpose...), I exercise, cook, and clean daily, but no it is not spotless. I love her, but will not have her here...

Ha!! First of all, I don't think there is a mother in all of history that has managed to raise children successfully without any help. Second of all, she really doesn't have a clue, does she? I would tell her that (in a nice way, of course), and see if she is willing to babysit for you guys for a day and see what it's like. That'll change her perspective! Or suggest she drop in on her friends unexpectedly to see what their life is really like with children. Whatever you do, don't let her comments get her down, because they really are the comments of someone who has no clue!!!

I would invite her to care for your family for one week while you go off and have a restful week at the spa....seriously - no kidding. Then she can experience life with husband and kids...

YAY!! For you for making the commitment to work out! YOU GO!!!!

As to the home:
Make a schedule and a list of chores for each member of the family.
Don't chase after the toddler - it's a game and now she's controlling the situation when YOU should be in charge.
DO NOT put the clean clothes in a closet for storage - put them away - if it's on the person's bed - so be it. make it THEIR job to put the stuff away...

But the bottom line - tell her if she thinks she can do it better - PLEASE come over and do it. You'll be HAPPY to go off to the spa or shopping or even a meal to yourself!! if she doesn't like that idea - she has three options
1. do it herself
2. not come over
3. keep her mouth shut until she's walked in your shoes.

I can only sympathize with you. I have three kids under 6yrs old and well I am a clean person trust me I am. But with three kids I just can't keep up on everything. Especially with a husband that doesn't help around the house much. My in-laws who are very VERY (freakishly) clean always make snude remarks that just get me fuming. See now they only had one child and i can tell you it is not hard to clean up after just one child but throw three kids and a usless husband in the mix and bam you have CLUTTER. Give me an hour of time without kids in the house and I'd have the house tidy easily but thow a toddler into the mix tearing down everything you clean up as you go it is a never ending battle. Well your sister and my in-laws along with many others just can't comprehend it because they have never lived it. My only response that I gave one time to my MIL after she said (well I got a lot done while you were gone today with the kids here at home) Um you ignored them the whole day and cleaned I bet three days in a row of you doing that and my son would find something to break or trash for attention or maybe even draw on your walls with marker. I am a SAHM I stay home to teach and play wiht my kids not to be a merry maid!!

I just told people like that, "If I wanted to do things your way, I would ask you how you think I should do things. Otherwise, you run your household the way you see fit, and I'll run mine the way I see fit. So, how about them Tigers?"

When any non-parent I know has something to say about how I am as a parent, I typically respond with something along the lines of, "I completely used to think that way too... BEFORE I was a parent/I was a great parent too before I became one!" And/or, "My priorities changed when I had my children. Keeping them healthy, safe and happy is more important to me than keeping my house insanely clean at all times." (even though I do prefer having a slightly organized house, I've mostly given up!) Or... "I'm so glad you're here! I could really use some help with (x,y,z - even just hanging out with the kids) so my house doesn't have to be in disorder!" -- especially - "would you mind hanging out with the kids for a few hours so I could run some errands!?" (while you go get a massage, mama! ;-) )

Tell her that you understand that she feels she is being helpful in sharing this "information" with you, but that while you appreciate her thoughtfulness in trying to "help," her repeating this "information" is actually counterproductive. And until she has walked a mile (or 15 or 20) in your shoes, you would appreciate if she would keep her comments to herself. Then say, "Would you like to help give the baby a bath, or can I offer you something to drink? Oh, yes, the drinks in the fridge-help yourself!" And smile.

And you can say it either with or without sarcasm, depending on your mood! :)

Next time she comments about your house, tell her she is more than welcome to come over and clean it every day for you.

Because tidiness and cleanliness is important to me, we sprung for maid service. Our first is 5 months old now. I work full time and my husband is in grad school. My parents and hubby split child care while I work. Hubby and I tidy daily (load and unload dishes, deal with trash, mail, and put away all the toys, burp cloths and other baby "detritus." we spot/ light clean. He tackles the laundry after baby is in bed. We use amazon mom for most of our shopping needs and we cook up big vats of casserole, soup, pasta, whatever once a week. we portion and freeze it, and have a healthy rotation of homemade frozens on the go all the time.

The money we spend on the maid is the happies money I part. We'd both rather be with the little one, studying or taking care of other errands than scrubbing the baseboards, stripping beds and other such time consuming tasks.

Tidy you've got to tackle yourself. Most services won't pick up organize or put away, but clean, you can outsource.

she doesn't know, maybe never will. I am sure in her head she thinks "If I had kids I would NEVER have my house like this, the kids like this... etc..."

And maybe* she wouldn't. There are those people out there who against all odds seem to be able to have thier cake and eat it too....

That said, I have been to some of these "perfect moms" houses on days they didn't expect me to drop by, and 90% of the time... things get out of place.

If it isn't one thing , it is another in my opinion... We all have only so many hours in the day! If you have a perfect house, and perfect kids... it is going to be PAINFUL to try to have a perfect body and clean hair! Especially if you want to have your sanity, your time with your kids, and 5 minutes to read the responses on Mamapedia (lol).

I can say I have an aunt with a PERFECT house, home cooked meals, church on Sunday, great kids. I just shrug my shoulders and say "wow"! She is a SAHM (like I am) and that helps a lot. She olso doesn't put up with any "BS" and her kids have to help out, and her husband can't finagle his way out of his duties either! She has seriously good organization skills, and is an awesome planner! She is my role model for "doing it all" - and I try to emulate her... but I don't kick myself for the days when the beds don't get made either! You can bet that when I go to visit my aunt I am digging out every tip and trick she has to help me out!

What to say to your SIL? Say- "well you can just stick it in your craw, if you want my house clean... go grab the vacuum! You can find me in the kitchen eating my cake!"

Good Job for how awesome you are- faults included!
-M.

I love this! I have so been there. In fact at the moment there is a puzzle (put together) on the floor my kids just finished their breakfast dishes are on the table, I made bacon eggs and waffles so the kitchen is a mess, there are pillows and blankets everywhere, because my kids have been "camping" in the living room, oh and I mean literally since my couch and coffee table have been shoved aside and there is a tent set up in my living room, yes a REAL tent, lol. There is also about 7 socks and a pair of underwear? a sippy cup and some crayons. There are also hotwheels cars on the counter from the toddler that was bathed in the sink last night. Seriously it looks like I never clean, but I do. It just isn't my number one priority all the time. Good for you exercising everyday too! Your going to just have to ignore her helpfulness, you are fine!

Next time, I would offer her the chance to be you for a few days, and see
how she fares. Maybe she has little tricks up her sleeve that will make the
job easier. I am sure she does not. Certainly give her the chance, maybe
then she will be quiet. Clean house and happy kids not a chance. I have
four kids and something had to give and it was usually the house.

I don't think I could say it any better than "CookingMom" lolol I'd memorize it.