How Do I Get My 4 Year Old to Listen to Me

We read the book "1,2,3, Magic" and it works well. Just stick with it and you will see a change in the listening issues. Good luck.

I just found a website called www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com I was hesitant of the method at first, but have used it with my 3 and 5 year old and have seen some good results (happier child, more respectful, less arguing, more obedience, etc)

I read the 'about me section,' and my heart goes out to you. Perhaps you could contact Focus on the Family. They have a conference called 'Love Won Out'. It's for family and friends of those who consider themselves to be gay. It gives hope, and not judgement. The number is 1(800) A-FAMILY, and their website is www.focusonthefamily.com I think they will send resources even if you can't pay for them.

I hope you find some answers for these things, and get the support you need during this time.

Rent a video called, 1, 2, 3 Magic. both you and your husband need to watch it together and stick with the plan. It changed how my son acts now. (by the way, my son hates it)... but it works and has saved our family.

~C.

Getting your child trained to listen and respect you is an exhausting process. It takes all of your attention and energy. Right now you have a lot going on, and don't feel bad if you are struggling with your son right now.

Do your best with consistency and insisting he do what he is told (that may mean dragging him in to brush his teeth, etc.) but I don't think you will have a lot of success until you have a stable home.

The loss of your son and the loss of your marriage has certainly taken their toll on you and your 4 year old. Give it some time, do your best, and re-assess the situation once you have gotten back on your feet. Good luck.

1 2 3 Magic has worked wonders for our family. I highly recommend it. And it will probably be good for your son to know that you are the one in control while you go through the transititions ahead of you. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry to hear of both of your losses. I hope that you have a good support network and can find some comfort.

In case you still would like information for dealing well with your 4 year old, here is some info that I hope might be helpful...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Best wishes,
J.

Your situation is so difficult that I wonder if you are playing a joke on us. Nonetheless, here's some advice. Your son is reacting to the stress in your life and is also showing very typical behavior. Contact Legal Aid, 126 S. County Farm Rd, Wheaton, ###-###-#### and tell them your situation. Would your father be good to your son, or does he have some serious problems, such as alcoholism, drug use, or abusive behavior? Get over your husband and give him the divorce, you could get AIDS from him someday. Do it the cheapest way possible. As you deal with each problem you will grow stronger inside and your son will become aware of that and begin to listen better. The child, unfortunately, is in the position of being able to say no and that gives him a lot of power. Learn to control your anger, talk to him in a calm strong voice, never say, OKAY? after you ask him to do something, just ask him please to do it, and get firmer and firmer if he continues to say no. Go online for Parenting books, I teach a class called "Active Parenting Today" and it is very good for covering a lot of the important issues. Do you have a church or a support group? Join one. Are there other relatives, on your or your husband's side that would take care of your son until you get on your feet? Write us again if things don't progress.

Hi J..

You have a lot going on in your life right now. Although you may not believe it, your son may be reacting to the obstacles that you are going through. He is probably wondering why mom and dad are not together. Also, if the dad is gone, he might think you sent him away. I know he is four, but you might need to sit down and talk to him about what's going (you don't have to tell everything), just enough that you feel he should know.

Also, you can't let this obstacle stand in the way of your parenting. I know it gets fustrating, but you still need him to understand that when you tell him to do something, he must do it. He must listen to his daddy and his mommy.

I am really sorry that you are going through this obstacle, but remember the word that I'm using "obstacle". Everyone goes through them and I feel with time you will get through yours.
Hang in there:)

Hi J. You have to stand firm with him. Your son not listening to you seem to be the least of your problems. If your husband wants a divorce because he's gay(he just hasn't dicovered this) there probably is another man in his life. See a lawyer about your rights of taking your son out of the state. Because will need a place to stay until you get on your feet. I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong

Hey J.,
Sounds like you've got alot going on over there! My heart goes out to you. I think you just have to make the best choice for you and your son. I don't think there's a court in the world that would give a child to the husband unless the mother is unfit. That being said, you might take your dad up on his offer. Especially if its a nice, calm, stable enviornment.
I know pareting a boy can be tough. I have a 4 year old myself and another boy due in October. I spent most of Ben's early years in a parent training class called Tuesday's Child (in Chicago) and they helped me emmensely. I think as parents we struggle with knowing what our children's emotional needs and not knowing exactly causes us to give in to their un-savory behaviors. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I do try and strive to use dicipline as a way to teach.
Time outs never worked for Ben either. He would just get up. I would say, try and look at what preceeds the poor behavior and try and fix it there. Praise all of your sons good behavior and ignore the rest (unless of course he's hurting himself or others, then you might need to seek out professional help). Let him know what your expectations are- what is acceptable behavior and what isn't and be consistent.
I use alot of reinforcers. Like coins or stickers or even candy as a reward. Its always something little, not a whole candy bar, but maybe one sticker or one m&m- like that. When my son started noticing that he would get a treat when he behaved well, he started acting alot better. I used small, tangible reinforcers (stickes, gum, etc), for a week or two and then phased them out and praised him verbally. I learned all of this from my parenting class and now I feel like a much more competent parent.
If nothing else, maybe search out some support via the yahoo meet ups for single moms or moms who are struggling and could give you support you need. Alot of kids act out because they don't feel safe. I think having a daily routine and knowing what to expect- having more stability- and knowing that your love is uncondional no matter how he behaves will help alot. I will add you and your family to my prayers.
blessings,
J.

IDK what your husband does that you don't. We majorly had the issue with my son last year. We were consistent. That is the best advice I ever got. It doesn't matter the punishment, just be consistent. Are you sure he knows the rules of time out? I would outline them with him everytime he went in, i.e. No talking, must sit with hands folded, time does not start until you have obeyed all rules. I would make sure that the time is approriate for his age as well...4 minutes. It doesn't always work, but it did for us, up until this year. This is when we had to start taking things away, tv, toys, and treats. That is working for us pretty good right now, but we still need to resort to other punishments from time to time.

Your son is listening -- to your every word! Focus on getting him enough sleep, healthy food, positive role models... Use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviors -- in other words, praise/hug him happily when he does what you want.

start over.
Have a family meeting and say things aren't working and today they are changing.
First list house rules, draw pictures or take digitals to illustrate them. Post these rules. Have your son add some if he can think of any, you might be surprised.
Now, since these are rules, come up with rewards for following them, and for breaking them. Have your son help in this but have ideas already formed. Write those out too, illustrate them.

Then follow through. The rules are posted, the consequences are spelled out, everyone is on board, follow that plan and really it will help.

Also make sure that he is getting enough sleep. He should still be getting around 12 to 13 hours a day. I have found this to be a BIG issue causing thing.

With all the stuff going on, he probably doens't want to listen to anybody right now. It would help for him to have a place where he can go for a while daily and be with other kids. You also may need need some childcare during the day while you get things settled, and some advice and financial support. Here's some thoughts:

1. Phone Illinos Action for Children at ###-###-#### for child care assistance/etc. programs and Head Start program.
Also go to Web Site ececchicago.org and click on Programs, then Family stuff (community centers, etc.).

2. For Legal Aid/Family legal service: call 312-738-CGLA (2452)and set up an appointment ASAP for help with eviction and divorce. They can help with both.

Family Law: handle cases involving custody, child support, divorce (where domestic violence is present), orders of protection, child guardianship, and visitation.
Housing Law:

Housing Law: And handle cases involving evictions, Please contact as soon as you receive an eviction/termination notice. Section 8 termination, and security deposit disputes. They do cannot handle appeals.

3. Then phone the Illinois Department of Health & Human Services at DHS Help Line: 1-800-843-6154 to get:
Food Stamps - get a link-debit card for groceries.
Cash - temporary income support while you find work.
Medical Programs - free or reduced-cost medical care.
Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) - cash for pregnant women and families with one or more dependent child.
Food: Women, Infants and Children (WIC) - extra nutrition for pregnant women, their babies and small children.

4. Call Smart Love for Parents (Rush Medical Building in Oak Park)and go to their Web Site. If they are too far from you, ask for a referral to a parent support group near you.
###-###-####
____@____.com

These are some numbers to keep in mind for later:

There is also a child support help line:
Child Support Help Line: 1-800-447-4278

For Legal Aid BY PHONE ONLY (VERY IMPORTANT SEE ITEM 2.get an appointment too with CGLA as soon as possible.
CARPLS Phone: ###-###-####
CARPLS is a legal aid hotline that provides legal advice, information and referral services over the telephone to low-income residents of Cook County, Illinois. CARPLS provides free services for individuals and families who earn income below 200% of the federal poverty guidelines.

First off be consistent, do time outs, if he comes out he goes right back in and add the time on. Keep putting him back. Never back down, this shows him you can be broken. As far as the rest of your story, I am sorry for you and going through a really rough time. Please consult an attorney at your earliest possiblity, if you can't afford one call an organization like Prairie Legal I think it's called or the Illinois Bar Association to get some recommendations. A judge would probably side with a roof over a childs head with a parent rather than living out of a car or on the streets just because one parent doesn't like an ex-inlaw.

My son drove me crazy with behavior like that, even tho he was only 19-24 months old at the time. He's VERY VERY strong willed and it didn't matter what anyone did or said, he worked on his own schedule and did what he wanted. I mean it was driving me to the brink of insanity. He was ruling the roost and I worked very hard for it not to be that way but no matter what we did, it didn't work. So I found a child counselor and went to her for help. She guided us on what's appropriate for us to do at his age and what won't work and why. She gave us a written program to follow and believe it or not, within just a few days I had regained control, he wasn't acting out anymore, time outs actually meant something to him and now he's a much better behaving 2 year old than many I know out there. We did it all through our insurance too. There are so many suggestions you can take from people but the dynamics of your family are very different from many of those you get advice from. I think a trained professional who can tell you exactly what's going on and why is so much easier than playing a guessing game with it. It's hurtfull and very saddnening to go thru it, I know. But this way a counselor can get a plan of action in place ASAP rather than let's try this and that, all the while your son is getting more and more control of the situation. It's not therapy you're seeking, just advice on what to do and how to handel certain situations. Books are great but I didn't have the time to read them. I needed results right away. Call your pede and maybe they have a referral for you on someone to call. I highly recommmend it. You can have a plan to work with and better family life by the end of the week!

Hi J.,
Sounds like you have more on your plate than just a four year old who doesn't listen to you. First I am sorry for your loss that had to be very difficult. If your husband is gay and he wants a divorce you can't change that. But since you didn't/don't want the divorce, don't let him call the shots. You let him know you are the mother and that you will work things out with him but he can't bully you. Tell him he needs to give you the money for the security deposit if he wants you to stay here. Or he will have to visit you in Indiana while you are visiting your father there for awhile. That's all. You will not be moving there with your child, you will be visiting your father until you settle here. So that's his choice. Second, your son is picking up on all the emotional issues currently, so protect him, love him and yet still be firm. He too is suffering. And find a new guy after this is all over. One who is caring and loving.
As far as trying to get a security deposit:there are numerous departments in your state that might help you with this. Contact all of the state agencies listed under the state of: But since your partner is gay, evidently not very nice and rather unhuman which is unusual for usually kind and sensitive gay men, under the circumstances why don't you tell him to pay the rent and take a hike? Good luck. It will work out.