How Do I Get "Me" Time

I can sorta relate altho I have a son and my husband is great with him, but when our son was first born I didnt want to take him out anywhere and I really didnt want to leave him, (he was a breastfed baby) I just worried that if I left hubby wouldnt know how to soothe him cuz he couldnt nurse him, and I wasnt really wanting to pump in the beginning it was just so much easier to just nurse him.

The best way I can recommend get "ME" time just nurse your daughter and depending on how long she goes between feedings just play it by ear. If you pump, pump some milk out put it in the fridge and when she gets fussy have him feed her. You can always pump while your home and have daddy feed her let them do the bonding time together while you are all home together. Just you go off in another room or the backyard sit and read a book just until he feels comfortable being alone with her but he really isnt alone.
I can tell you I never got me time until my son was actually eating baby food and solid food.

Hope all goes well
Good Luck your time will come eventually

G.

Could your mom babysit while you both do something together? You say he gets me time and you would like to have some me time, but you say nothing of US time. Perhaps if you could do a date night, you could broach the topic again afterwards. Its something to think about anyway. Hope it all works out for you!

You're absolutely right- you do need "me time". Your husband needs to help more, for sure, but he's probably scared, which is natural. Don't underestimate the power of praise- every time he does something well with your daughter, and everytime he cares for her alone (you won't have to do it forever, think of it as training). The worst thing you could do is cave and not have him spend any additional time with your daughter (of have him spend less), because he probably would get used to that and the thought of caring for her alone would get even more scary. Assure him that it was scary to you at first, too, and it didn't all come to you instantly- you had to work at it. As your daughter gets a little older and more communicative, it might get easier for him too. He probably feels left out since he can't bond with her through nursing. Could you have him give her a bottle daily (bedtime bottle would be great) of expressed milk or formula? Doing so shirtless with her just in a diaper (kangaroo time) is excellent for both baby and parent for bonding, too, maybe he could try it. My husband loved being able to give our daughter a bottle; it made him feel more included in that special feeding time. Good luck and hang in there. Remember, you're on the same team and don't forget to discuss the need for more time calmly and at a non-heated time. And tell him specific amounts of time you'd like off, which might make it less scary. Good luck!

Some men have a hard time with little babies. I have 5 boys, and my husband just did not do well with time alone with them as infants. Now, when they are toddlers, he is wonderful. They are little just for a very short time. Sometimes "me time" is when they are playing quietly and you have a moment to yourself. But, the "me time" will come, just give it time.

My friend was a stay at home mom. Here "me time" was supposed to be for 1 1/2 hours every evening so she could work out. Her husband would call her at least once every evening in a panic wanting her to come home because of something he thought he couldn't handle. Then he found out that the fitness center she went to had drop-in daycare. He insisted she take the baby with her. My friend dropped down to zero "me time". Baby was colicky. She started cracking under the strain. This is what she did:

Plan an overnight trip. Make sure the baby supplies are well stocked. Make sure your mother is "busy"(but available for a real emergency. she can't rush in and "save" him or this won't work). Kiss husband and baby goodbye with a smile and a reassuring pat on the back. Leave books and articles stating the importance of "Me Time" lying open around the house. Try not to answer the cell phone more than once or twice while you are gone(you must have had bad service).

Your husband needs to build his parenting confidence up, but he knows if he freaks out to you long enough, you will rescue him.

This might fall under the category of "straight up lying", but drastic times call for drastic measures. Whether your hubby's problem with being an equal parent stems from insecurity or selfishness doesn't really matter here. What matters is that he steps up and becomes an equal player.

So here's what you do: Get sick. Maybe you go get a soda with your friend who just had the flu (one soda...) or you get "sick" complete with heaving noises and lots of toilet flushing. Either way he would look (and hopefully feel) like a complete jerk if he didn't keep your daughter as far away from you as possible. (By the way, this won't interfere with breastfeeding, since sick moms SHOULD continue to nurse so the kid gets the antibodies. Just make a big production of washing hands like you've got Obsessive Compulsive Disorder before you touch the baby.) But for at least 24 hours, make it clear that he and the baby need to stay as far away from you as possible so as to spare you both the agony this illness is causing you.
And yeah, your mom as well as any other potential heroes need to be out of town when you pull this stunt.

The point is, after this day of rest (for you) and trial by fire (for him) he will have seen himself take care of baby for an extended period of time. And he will figure out pretty quickly how to soothe, distract, or just plain deal with the crying when it happens. Now I'm not totally heartless and I do understand his point about "you're breastfeeding and it's easier for you to soothe her than me" but I'm sure it's not the only way you soothe her. And he needs to figure out how he does things.

But if she's 5 months old and he still hasn't been alone with her for more than 90 minutes, it looks like you're going to have to do something drastic to make that happen.

By the way...I don't know how she's doing with sleeping through the night, but if she's still nursing in the middle of the night, it's MUCH easier to have dad go in and soothe her back to sleep than have Mom the Milk Wagon go in there like, "Ha, I've got what you want and you can't have it." So there are LOTS of reasons to get your husband on board with parenting NOW rather than when she's 5 and can play sports!

Best of luck!

My daughter is also 5 months old. I nursed until she was 3 1/2 mos but ended up having to finally give it up after experiencing basically every problem that there is!! My fiance had the same apprehension about soothing her if I had to be away. I am a stay at home mom so I am always, always, always the person who does pretty much everything for the baby since he works 12 hour swing shifts. At first if I went to run an errand or even take a shower I was so worried he couldn't handle it. Like your baby mine is actually happy and very content almost ALL the time. But, I had a hard time actually letting someone else do anything for her. I think my lack of confidence in his ability to take care of her really made him think he couldn't do it as well. We have the habit of making it look so easy but then it isnt for them! When you do actually get out do you instruct him or let him figure it out on his own? If this is not the problem, then maybe he really is very afraid he can't take care of her like you do. But he can!! To help get past this, we practiced pretending Mommy wasn't home! For an hour or so I would go upstairs and watch tv or get laundry done, etc...I really think this helped because he was the responsible one, but I was right there just in case things got out of hand. He told me later on it helped very much because he felt like the baby was getting used to him without me there. Now he no longer feels like he can't do it since he knows her better. Make sure you tell him when you are all together for future reference...this cry means...that face means....this will help! Also, you may already do this, but pumping milk before you go to leave will ensure no phone call to come home right away.

It sounds by his comments that he thinks you're the only one that can make your baby happy. If you're not pumping, I would strongly advise it for the times you're gone. Say little things here and there to him, like, "it seems like normally when she cries she is hungry." Then make sure he knows where all the "tools" are, i.e. where the bottles will be, and exactly how to warm them and make sure they are the right temperature. Make sure he knows which toys she likes, how she likes to be held, when her naptime is, and which noises she laughs at! Then he'll have a little list of things to try when your daughter is upset. If he can go down it and if something works without having to call you, he'll really feel capable. And you'll get more free time!

My husand used refer to the times he watched our young son as "babysitting." That really made me mad. You can't babysit your own kid! Anyway, the older ours has gotten, the more my husband is able to relate to him as a real little person who can communicate in ways he understands, and not some foreign alien in our home! I think it takes time.

Good luck!

My husband was the same way with our 1st child...he was OK when I was there but not when I left her with him ALONE..lol.. It is because she is a girl and men think baby girls are so fragile...also guys are strong and they are afraid they might hurt them or when they cry they wont know what to do. When they get a little older, it's not so hard on Daddy. lol. Our 2nd was a boy and he wasn't nearly as afraid with him! Maybe you could have him be more involved when you are at home and then he would be more at ease when you leave and so would she. Keep telling him what a good Daddy he is whenever he's caring for her or playing with her. Good luck!

Is your child on a strict routine?...eating every 4 hours, taking 2 naps or one at the same time every day? Most kids at 5 months are still on the 2 nap schedule but some move to 1. Is she going to bed at night and waking at the same time every day? If you build the alarm clock in the child, you will have no trouble escaping without having her cry while you are gone. The other thing is, I use to "top off" my kids before leaving if I hadn't just fed them. I also nursed my 3 kids until they were well over 1 yr. If your child is on a strict, consistant routine she will be happily waiting for you to feed her when your 4 hours is up. This gives you at least 3 hours to get away for you. The other thing is you can have "me time" at home when she is napping. I have done this and it gives me 2-3 hours in the afternoon. My youngest 2 sleep for about 3 hours and my oldest (5.5yrs) plays quietly, reads and sometimes I let him watch his favorite tv show or a dvd of something, or he will go work outside with his Papa. Most days I have 2 hours to myself (with my 5 yr old in ear shot and he is a really good kid) and one hour to do something with my 5 yr old while the other 2 are sleeping.

If anything your hubby can just learn to get down on your daughters level and play with her for just 15 min. The undivided attention will give him a bigger break from her needing his attention. Aside from that, if you set in place a good routine and have everyone follow it, you will have time to get away. Then ideally you feed your daughter right before you leave and if you can do it before a nap, that is even better. Feed her, put her down for nap, then leave. If she takes good naps, she shouldn't wake up before a couple of hours and she shouldn't wake up crying unless something is wrong (sick, etc). Then she should wake up happy, ready to play. My kids always wake up happy and usually would play quietly in their bed until I realized they were awake. I could always hear my boys squirming in the monitor, but my daughter was a different story. She is quiet and she just lays there sucking her finger and twirling her hair unless she hears one of her brothers. Get your strict routine in place and write down what is next on the agenda for your hubby to follow. Men can follow lists quite well. If it is just left to guess what to do with the baby, some will do well and some will not or rather some will feel that they do not. It is more perceived that anything.

I have empowered my hubby to learn how to tend to our little ones. He already had a great way with the kids, but he continues to get better. He does a great job with putting them to bed at night. I let that be his job since he doesn't get to spend as much time with them as we all would like. So he puts them to bed based on the routine I started. The nap routine he has a little trouble with. He can do it and has, but I also know that if I really want the kids to sleep, it is in my best interest to stick around long enough to put them to bed and then go. THe same is true of naptime that starts in the car. My kids fall asleep on the way home from church because we have such a long drive. Then I have my routine of how to carefully unload them from the car and straight to their beds. It works beautifully. However, if hubby does it, he wakes them accidently. So I accept that as my job. I had to get good at that given my kids are close in age and I can remember times where I had to take my boys to a dr appt when I was pregnant with my daughter. My boys were both taking naps then, so I had to keep up with the routine of taking them out of the car despite the large belly.

Good luck getting things lined up for yourself to have the time you need and deserve!

B. :)

Men think baby's will break when they hold them... My gosh... WE have a 15 year old and a 15 Month old... and I tell you what.. It is like pulling teeth to get him to watch the baby!

They dont know or shall I say Pretend they dont know how to change a diaper IF I do it wrong she will get mad and I wont have to do it anymore... * YA. I know that trick.. I just keep letting him...

Just give it time... Maybe let him watch the baby a bit while you are at home... taking a Nap!! be sure you are getting your rest... I sure never did....

But if you can.. just take her with you a few times... but Do keep having him watch her... He needs to get used to her and know that she is not going to break!!!!

One good thing you could do... is IF he has time. Bath time!!! Have him be in charge on one thing!!! This is HIS Daddy Job!!!

IF it is a bath... reading a story... one feeding.... Pick something for him to do.. and this is his dadddy Job!!!! See if he likes it!!! then try to add another one!!! as you add look POOF More Mommy time!!!!

He sounds like a good guy cuz he is helping!!! that is great!!!

But do PUMP what you can ok!!!! and Get lots of rest when she is sleeping ok!!!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

When I birthed my daughter, I remember being worried that we'd fight over whom got to feed and snuggle her. Yeah Right!!

I guess I can't be too helpful from my personal experiences, I quit my job after I had her. Once she was no longer a babe is when I went to work part time.

I guess I can assure you that once she is no longer a babe...like when she can speak and walk, he'll relate more strongly to her. Maybe men are just intimidated by babes??

Naps are wonderful, and so are work out clubs with day care for some free time. Also, plan a night out with your friends once a month, and make sure he get's that much notice so he knows it's coming! Take Care

Oh yeah! On Oprah one time she talked about baby's making 5 sounds that can mean 5 things, and how if you knew to recognize them, then baby's can get proper response. If he knew those 5, perhaps he'd have an easier time with it?

look i been through this plenty of times. i would like you to learn something you are her mother and the father is only want you and him in the picture my husband does the same thing but i told him that i wil get divorce and raise my child myself and still get some me time the best way to get some me time is wait to both them fallen alseep cause the father are special and all they want now is them self and you in the picture this is only child and i am also a first time mother so i know these things but know one knew what i was going through at all you do. keep you head up good luck

I can completely relate!! My boyfriend does the exact same things to me. I'm a mother of a 6 month old and I stay at home with her. When I mention that I need 'me' time he tells me that I have everyday as 'me' time. When my daughter was first born I could noy go anywhere unless I took her with me or she was asleep...he couldn't take care of her. He tells me that shes older now and that hes capable but I havent seen any change. The other day I was in the shower trying to relax and she had a dirty diaper on so he actually changed it and then came barging in with her asking me if it was on correctly!!! Okay so maybe I should give him some credit but in all honesty c'mon already!! When I mention that I want to go out and maybe have a drink with the girls or go do my thing for a few hours he acts like its a big inconvience which then like you said turns into an argument. Now, I cant really get mad and I try not to because he is not the father of my daughter. However, in return we started dating when I was 6 weeks pregnant so he knew what he was getting himself into. Day in and day out it's mom and daughter and he gets upset at me when I mention that maybe he should spend time with her and that these are her growing milestones in life. Next thing I hear is that he doesnt want to pick her up...HELLO!! You dont have to pick up a baby to make them laugh, giggle, or just be happy!! MEN!! CANT LIVE WITH 'EM AND SURE CANT LIVE WITH OUT 'EM!! Good Luck and congrats!

I am not sure of any great advice. I do understand you problem though. My husband has gotten much better about it and has finally got to the point where I can leave and he can handle it, and if its hard for him, he needs to figure it out and learn. He encourages "me" time to some extent though. I think you need to really try and make him understand.
Show him some of the ways you soothe you daughter. I spend most of the time with my son so I know his likes and dislikes better. Once my husband got the hang of them, he uses them all the time, like walking outside if he is upset, or looking in the mirror, turning on music and dancing, etc. I have also showed him many of the fun games that we play and my husband then plays them, enjoys the laughs and smiles in return, and then also has a great time finding his own games that work. He gets very proud when he discovers something new to entertain our son. I also will tell him if he needs floor time, tummy time, book time, etc. to make sure they don't get bored.
Its not very fair if you get no time and he gets all sorts of time alone. I still face the running of errands whenever he feels like it, but then I have to schedule doctors appointments with him, etc. And that does get frusturating. I try and make sure that in the evenings, he helps me out, gives him bathes, diapers,...
Do you pump? We try and feed our son one bottle a day of pumped milk, and I try to make the husband do it. That way he is involved with the feedings. I know men can use the excuse that we are the mommies, and we are breastfeeding, but there are so many other ways they can help and be with their children.
Another thing you could try explaining to him is how important the father's role is in development of the child. There was also just a study put out about mothers needing their own time for their sanity.
Hope it gets better, I know I ranted a bit, but I feel your pain.

My husband was the same too with our son at about that age. Try to be patient with him! I don't think men naturally have the instincts for parenting that moms do, so it will take him longer to adjust. Have you tried leaving him alone with the baby while you're in the house? Like tell him you're going to read a book for an hour (or whatever) and go to your room and shut the door. He'll have time alone to learn how to care for her, but you'll be nearby in case he needs you. By the way, my husband ended up staying home with our son for about 6 months, so they're totally capable, but it doesn't come naturally to some men (esp. if he wasnt' around any babies before).

I have been through this with my husband... and we have three boys (8,5,and 19mo) as time has progressed he has gotten better. My best suggestion is to flat out tell him he needs to step up to the plate. Your not asking him to watch her for hours just one or two so you can enjoy some peace and quiet. Let him know you understand how uneasy he feels but he needs to remember your new at this as well. Remind him that he gets quite a bit of free time for him self and now he needs to alow you that time as well. Tell him you will have your cell phone with him and you will only be a few minutes away so he can call if things get out of hand. Maybe knowing your not going hours away or that you are just a phone call away he will be more at ease to let you go out once a week.

Also remember to take time for the two of you as well!!

You will make it though this. Best of luck!

C. M

This is in addition to the other great advice you have gotten... Demand your "me time". Schedule it and let him know that you will be gone and he is responsible during that time! Ask him not to call unless its an emergency and just let you unwind!!! Dont settle for less! If he has time for himself, you should have the same amount for yourself! Just cuz you have the feeding source on your chest does not mean he gets out of dad duties!!! Take care of you and the rest of your family will be happier!!! Good Luck!

Your story sounds very familiar! Our son just turned one and I still hear "but your the Mom" sometimes! Not to let men off the hook, but I just don't think they have the same "mothering/nurturing" instincts that woman have. I accept this and I deal with it accordingly. We are planning number two (hopefully) this year and my husband is constantly saying he wants to adopt a 6 month old so we don't have to go through the first six months again. This tells me that babies must get easier for men after about 6 months and you are almost there! :o)
I totally know what you mean though about having no time to yourself. My big outing when I could sneak away was to walk around Hobby Lobby for an hour... My loss of freedom was hard to adjust to, I mean, it wasn't that I was always on the go before the baby, but its like your entire life changes and its hard to adapt to it.
I repeatedly assured my husband that he did a great job, I gave him an endless number of ideas to try to soothe the baby when he started crying, I also assured him that it was okay for the baby to cry once he had checked his daiper, offered a bottle, etc. I think him hearing the words "its okay for a baby to cry" helped him a lot (good excercise for the lungs, haha). Beyond that I just don't think there is much we can do for them! haha.. Obvously you trust your husband to care for your baby, so stop calling home when you are out. If your husband truely cannot handle the situation let him call you. The only way he'll learn to deal with the screaming baby is to do it. You can talk about it to him until you are blue in the face, but he has to learn what works for him. I hated giving our son a pacifier and I only gave him one in his crib. My husband figured out that if he gave our son a pacifier and laid him against his chest that it calmed our son down, I didn't personally care for this, but it worked for my husband so I let it go. Eventually our son got out of the total infant stage and started to become more active and independant and thats really when the husband started to feel much more comfortable with him.
Good luck, everything changes once a baby is in teh picture, and for my husband and I, it took us a good 9 months after the baby was born to really feel like we were in "the groove" with having the baby and that our lives were "normal" again. Now it feels like the baby has just sort of always been here. Its amazing, but I think it takes time. I think your husband will come around, you just need to arm him with asmuch "ammo" as you can and then trust him to do the right thing for your child while you do what you need to do for yourself. Your husband will see how much less stressful things are and probably start to understand how much you need your space and time alone. Feel free to email me anytime!