How Do I Discipline Without Too Much Guilt or Anger?

You are doing good with the discipline, pick your battles, some things will require a spanking such as lying, at almost 4 they know how to lie, flat out defiance wards a spanking, other things maybe just a talk. Any time you tell a child they can have desert if they eat all their food, and they bring you their plate, you need to check the floor, the trash, the dog if you have one, and if there is no signs of the food any where then go ahead and give them desert. My kids are grown now, but when i was raising my kids I was told, that a child that will lie, will commit almost any sin, so nip it in the bud right away, and we did. Oh by the wy most kids do lie at that age about eating all their food, or cleaning their room. Just be consistant and she will get it. J. mother for 24 years.

Try getting some books on "spirited children" or "the spirited child." It gives good tips and insights.

Even if kids "know better" they will not always have the full capacity to be error free. It's a continuing learning process for them. Sure but teach a child boundaries...at this age, they are more aware but not a "big kid" yet.

Sometimes, I just don't use "treats" as a reward. I just make the bottom line the end all. I encourage my oldest to "help Mommy"... and teach her "teamwork" and "try your best..." instead of having to be perfect all the time. ie: if she can't eat all her food... then I tell her that at least she tried her best and if she is full, then that's fine. If she can't put away all her toys...then help Mommy and we will do it together etc. I teach her to "explain" and it's okay to tell me her feelings...but there are still rules... that we all try to do, even Mommy and Daddy. My girls seems to respond when we make a "problem" more of a "team" situation... sometimes a little child finds things overwhelming and they can't do something completely as we wish, so then they balk or tantrum. Still, they will do things again...and repeat things even if we don't like it.

Maybe focus less on dessert.... and on a better "reward." Going on a walk with Mommy, playing something of her choice, playing a game together etc. My girl loves these options when we tell her this.

The 2's and 3's is not an easy age... and the "phase" actually goes on to 4 yrs. old and hopefully by 5 it will start to mellow out. Parent' magazine has great articles on child development by age. At this age, they can "manipulate" their world... but it's good you are being consistent in discipline.

I would recommend reading the books. I learned from it and it helped to see things from my child's eyes and development. Sometimes as Parents, we are all out of ideas! LOL.

Good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hi S.:You will recieve plenty of responses to your mention of spanking as a punishment. I refer you to one of my responses,on physical punishment, under J. M. The demand, for a child to eat everything on their plate, went out after the second world war.and before,children in Africa were given assistance. Matter of fact, the health department in the united states, tries to encourage quite the opposite now a days, because of the problem with (obesity) in our children.Its a proven fact, that force feeding a child,will produce a (poor eater)The idea is for your child to (enjoy eating)Not to have it crammed down her throat. She is an individual,there are going to be days she isn't that hungry,or has a tummy ache. You couldn't possibly believe it good for her to be forced to eat, only to vomit it all up?My suggestion, is to lighten up a little, and allow her to enjoy meal time.

This scenario sounds completely normal. You set your daughter up for this. She knows there is ice cream. If you were a 3 year old would you want to eat green beans when all you can think about is ice cream? Don't discipline your daughter for not being hungry or just wanting dessert! She is trying to please you or just get to that ice cream! Kids will eat when they are hungry. They won't eat their dinner when they know there is dessert. Don't make a federal case out of eating. You are setting your daughter up for having issues with food later. Children really don't need a lot of food. Save dessert for birthday parties and special occasions. She sounds perfectly normal and bright. Kids lack impulse control, that's probably why she will continue to do "no-no's". Just keep being consistent with time outs. Also- children lie when they are afraid of corporal punishment. Reward the good behavior and talents with lots of love, affection and attention/no attention and (time out) for bad behavior. She might act out because she is not getting enough interaction. Time out will work.

Hi S.,
Well, I am of the position that a child needs to obey their parents, because they are the parent, not because I'm bribing them with treats. I understand rewards but using it for good behavior or obeying your request shouldn't be the norm. Now, I'm sure that your dinner example, was just that - an example and that there are other areas of discipline you may be dealing with. However, I have learned that nutrition plays a HUGE role in a child's behavior. Their brain development affects their moods, their acting out, etc and they need the right nutrition from both foods and a good source of children's vitamins. I have testimonials of how vitamins have helped to control the behaviors of children with ADD/ADHD/Autism. Now, another question - what is your hubby's role in disciplining your daughter? My point with that is that both of you should be on the same page. Hopefully there isn't one of you that is strict and the other one lenient - that sends a message to the child that you two on are not in agreement and they will take advantage of that... kids are REALLY smart! Now, the book I strongly recommend is titled " Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. Since I don't know your spiritual beliefs, I will warn you that it does have a Christian point of view and is discipline based on biblical values. The biggest point this book makes is that God requires us to obey Him and has placed us as parents in the position of leadership over our children. Therefore disciplining them is part of your responsibility to help your children become mature, responsible adults so you should not feel guilt or anger... rather you should feel honored that you were placed in that position of the parent and KNOW that your discipline is for the greater good of your child. You should NEVER discipline out of anger - but in a controlled state of mind so that you are able to explain to the child (at age 4 she is ready to understand the reason why she is being disciplined and the result of disobedience) and end with explaining that you love her and that is the real reason for the discipline. Remember one day, she will be out of the house and have to live in a world full of rules and laws and if she disobeys them it could get her in a lot more trouble!

best wishes,
C.~

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