How Do I Deal with My Four Year Old?

Hi J.! My name is T. Ambler. I have a 4 year old daughter and a 1 year old as well. I can relate to how you feel. My 4 year old has been very difficult since Maddie was born. Dhe is having trouble potty training and gets jealous really easily. We used to get very frusterated and now give her very little attention when she acts out. It works wonders for us. When she is sweet and asks nicely, we get her what she wants. When she demands, we ignore her. It's hard but it has made a big difference. I think having another baby in the house was a huge adjustment for her.

Oh....the "I don't like you" or "you are the meanest mommy in the world" stage. Yes, you heard me, it is a stage they go through. First make it very clear he talks to you with respect. You should have put him in time out the second you got home or removed him from the store immediately. May not be convenient, but hitting because he didn't get his way is totally unacceptable. Also, you can explain that you are nursing his sister but he is still going to feel like he needs your attention right then and going to pitch a fit if he doesn't get it. You need to be firm with him but maybe turn it around and say to him you need him to be a big boy and go get it himself.
Also, get out baby pictures of himself and show him there was a time that he needed to be taken care of a lot more when he was a baby. That helped my daughter a lot.
It is probably a combo of him just exerting himself and feeling out boundaries and him having some jealousy.
Just stay consistent. You know him well enough to know what really matters to him and what punishment will really get through to him. For my daughter is going to bed early. If she starts the first time it is a warning, second time it is jammies (no matter what time of day it is) and so on, she has gone to bed at 6pm many nights and now just bringing that up she straightens up.
He will say stuff and you have to just say to him "I know you love me and I love you too"... I think all kids go through this but it is disrespectful and it is time he is old enough to know that you cannot take hurtful words back. I remind my daughter on a daily basis that she needs to stop when she is angry or sad and before she talks to think about if her words are going to be hurtful.
Good luck.

J. C, Just remember to also give your son 1 on 1 time. Take 5 min. every hour or even every other hour just for him, so he understands he is important to you. If you are nursing his sister....she gets at least 5 min. with you one on one. Try this, it works. Do something positive, do something for him. Giving him a time out for bad behavior only get him attention...Give him a "time out" with you, and good attention. Good luck, Amy

4 year olds are notorious for testing their boundaries! He is pushing your buttons to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do, that is why he say "I don't like you". He thinks that you will cave in and give him what he wants! Wait until he actually uses the word "hate". Then when it doesn't work he gets mad, and vents that by hitting you (or throwing something, or slamming the door)

The best thing to do through his stage is to be consistent, don't change the rules, and to know that it will pass. If you do give in to the process it will only take longer. He really needs to know that the rules are still the same, that you are still going to be consistent in what you say, do and feel, and that he is still secure in who he is in the family. The way to give him that is by not allowing him to change your reaction to his behavior based on his attempt to manipulate you.

And just so you know--this happens again every couple years so be prepared. =)

Are you trying time out when you get home or when he is acting out? It is imperative that he be put in time out at the time of the behavior regardless of were you are. Make sure you explain to him why he is there and ask for an apology when time out is over. Best of luck....

I have a 3 year old Son and a 3 month old daughter. My son has been great with her and loves her very much but over the last couple of weeks he has been acting out aswell. I think its because some how he is feeling left out or feeling like he is not getting enough attention.What I have been doing is trying to give my son extra attention so that he doesn't feel like he is being replaced.

J.,

I have been there! I have a 4 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter. When the youngest was born it was a hard transition for my oldest. Not only was there a small little person taking away mommys full attention but my husband was also deployed. So the added stress was just not good.

What I found that helped with the transition was making my oldest feel important and helpful. I always gave her some task to do to help out with the baby. Whether it was as small as bringing me a diaper or burp rag to picking out what we had for dinner and helping me make it.

Praise is a very important part of this phase. Praise for whatever they do right. Try really hard to notice him being good to his sister or when he does something sweet for you, make a big deal about it. Tell him how good that makes you feel when he gives you a hug, kiss, etc.

Right now hes seeking attention and anyway he can get it, he will get it. I agree that bad behavior should not be tolerated and should be dealt with immediately. I find immediate and long term action works best with my oldest. The immediate punishment happening when she acts out and the long term being something maybe she wanted to do later that day that now she cant because she made a bad choice by acting out.

Also, they always seem to want your attention when you are doing something that needs to be handled NOW with the baby, ie nursing, changing diapers, etc. What my friend did (she has 1 year old twins and a 4 year old boy), was when she nursed she would read her son a book. Since it took a while to nurse anyways and the baby was "busy", she would take that time to do something special for him that she could do while being stationary. You could try the redirection like, "I cant help you find that toy now but if you get a story, I would love to read it to you. Then when I'm done feeding your sister I will be happy to help you find that toy". You cant help him with his immediate need but if its an attention ploy this might work.

But whatever you do choose to do, consistency is key. You have to be consistent with your punishments just as much as you have to be with your rewards.

I had a home visitation nurse after I had my small one and she told me that I should sit down and create "house rules" WITH my daughter with clear consequences to violations of the rules. That gives my daughter ownership over the rules because she helped create them and she knows exactly what happens when the rule isnt respected. Just a thought.

I know lots of suggestions. I'm rambling now. Hope that some of this babble helps. But I can tell you that it does get better. My daughters are the best of friends and the oldest has returned to her Diva self but shes so much better with me than she used to be. Dont get me wrong, she still gets mad and acts out, she is 4 after all but its not with the frequency or intesity that it used to be.

Hi J.,
I don't know... it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. I agree with the other mom, that discipline must be carried out immediately, no matter where you are. The absolute hardest part of it all, is staying consistent. If he throws tantrums, place him somewhere that he has no audience. If he screams requests at you, inform him that you can't hear him when he screams, and to please ask mommy again, when you calm down and can speak to me in a respectful voice. The same thing works for whining. It worked like a charm when my kids were little. Use lots of positive reinforcement when he gets things right, and NO attention what-so-ever when he's acting out, other than to remove him from the audience, even if YOU'RE the only audience member. He'll figure it out--"hey! "This isn't working for me!!"

CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY!! (Oh how I wish I'd learned that when mine were little... it would have saved so much trouble and distress)

Cut yourself some slack J.! You're a great mom! You can only do, what you can do! Contrary to popular belief, most of us aren't "supermoms". Please keep us posted!

You have my very best wishes,
M.

The best advice I ever got when I had my second child was to never blame anything on the baby. What this means is that you NEVER tell your older child that you can't help him or that he can't do something because of the baby. You never lie to your child, just find another reason why you can't do something. For example, if you have to leave the park because it's time for the baby's nap, just tell your son it's time to go home. You dont need to mention the nap. When your son wanted a toy and you told him that you couldn't get it because you were nursing the baby he views it as you love the baby more than him and she is making it so he can't get what he wants. He probably keeps acting up because he is looking for reinforcement that he is more important, or at least as important, as the baby. I followed this advice faithfully when I had my second daughter and I never had a problem with jealousy until the baby was about 6 months old. At that time I realized I had started to "blame the baby" so I stopped immediately. The jealousy ended too.