My aunt, who is now pregnant, and I were raised as sisters. She was the witness at my wedding (small wedding) and she also christened my daughter. We were very close, talked on the phone everyday, up until about 6 months ago. To sum it up, we were having my daughters first birthday party at my husbands parents home. His best friend, which is also my daughters god father, was participating. My aunt invited her friend, which is a girl that the godfather was previously involved with. We made a request that she not bring her and basically she said that if she had to be put in a situation like that, she was just not going to come. We left it alone and she brought the girl anyway. Luckily no drama ocurred, but at that point I felt like she chose her friend over me because it was really not necessary for the girl to be at a one year old party in the first place. Everything smoothed over after a few months and for christmas we visited home again. Everything went fine, though it did bother me a little that she bought her friends gifts, but not me. So moving on, she mentioned to her friends that she wanted them to do her baby shower- which was fine with me because I really couldn't afford to do one myself since I am in another state and don't have any extra money. So in chatting one day she mentions to me that she felt that they weren't going to throw her a shower. So I took it upon myself to initiate things. She was right, they had no plans at that point. So I started planning and they participated. I couldn't afford to fly there twice and I already had plans on being down there for the birth,so we agreed to have it around the that time on account of me. I was really actively involved until we had a discussion about who would be her coach for the birth and she told me her 2 friends- the same 2 friends that hadn't even started planning a baby shower. So this irritated me to no end because I felt we were closer than that, I mean at that point we still talked all the time, not as frequently as before but from maybe a few times a day to once a day. After that, I basically lost interest in doing the baby shower all together. However, despite my feelings, I was going to do it anyway because I know how much she wants a shower. Well recently, a few days ago to be exact, she tells me that my little sister came to her telling her all this stuff about her not having a baby shower and she was really upset by the whole thing. And she starts bringing up how she organized my baby shower and she helped out with my wedding reception. I was really confused by everything she was saying because I knew my sister knew nothing that was going on. And for her to bring all that stuff up that she did for me was irrelevant because my grandmother and mother-in law paid for EVERYTHING involving my wedding and my baby shower. Yes she helped out, but she was very late setting up for my wedding reception and for both events she did not come out of pocket with a dime. She doesn't know that I know that. Furthermore, I spoke to my sister and she said that she and my aunt never even discussed the baby shower. So to keep from making this story any longer, it turns out that she lied about that- for what reason-I don't know. But she lied. I have no desire to even talk to her right now because throughout this entire pregnancy it's been one thing after another. I want out of the baby shower plans because I am truly not feeling it AT ALL. What do I say to her friends? I'm still going down there for the birth and for support.
First and farmost, I want to thank everyone for their advice and suggestions; I took ALL that was said into consideration and I found each of your responses extremely helpful. I decided that I would proceed with my original plans to be the coordinator of the baby shower because it is about the baby. I also realized that there was no way that I would be able to be what I needed to be for my aunt without having a talk with her, so I did. It didn't go so well, but she now knows how I feel about everything. We actually are not even talking at the moment, which is kind of weird since I am in charge of all the shower plans. Another thing that I realized, due to you guys, that life changes as do relationships. I've accepted that maybe this is a time for change in our relationship, I mean we'll always be family. It's just really sad to me that things are like this now. If I hadn't said anything I would have felt resentful and now that I've expressed my feelings we both are hurt, so there was really no way around it. Maybe in a few months when I go back home for the shower things will be better. To address a few factors about the situation that was unclear in the original post: 1) I just moved away from my family a little over a year ago, so though I am out of town, I visit home at least 4 times a year and my plans were to be there 2 weeks before the baby's due date 2) I am happily married so the anger from the post was strictly due to the issue at hand 3) As a person with a social work back ground- it is much easier to view other individuals situations objectively than it is to view your own!- Helpers need help too and that's a fact! Thank you all again
Take the high road and do the shower.
You definitely need to talk to her and let her know how you feel and don’t ignore the lie that she told. Wait until you are calm and hormones are not raging and then have a nice long conversation on how you felt/feel and why.
Everybody has different thresholds for stuff like this, but I would follow through with the things I'd already committed to, but after that I'd be very careful volunteering for anything. If you feel like you just can't do the shower, than just tell her that everything has just gotten too complicated and you will support her for the birth, but you can't do that as well as the shower. Hope that helps.
Hi, T.. I think it's time to step back, take a deep breath, and look at this situation from a different perspective. Elizabeth gave you some wonderful advice, and I totally agree.
It sounds as if most of the problems started when your aunt become pregnant. You don't say much about your aunt's situation, but I assume that since she needs a birth coach, she is navigating this pregnancy and birth by herself. Being pregnant is not easy, and I can't imagine doing it without loving support at home. You don't mention your aunt's husband or boyfriend at all. If I am correct with my assumption, try to put yourself in her shoes and think about what you might've done without your spouse during your pregnancy, the birth and now as your raise your beautiful little girl. Likewise, consider the example you want to set for your daughter.
Have you considered that your aunt might even be comparing herself to you. . . or might be a little jealous of your family life if she is alone.
Don't back out on the shower. Assign tasks and make it wonderful for your aunt--and the baby! Make sure that baby is welcomed with unconditional love.
Don't feel slighted by her decision to have someone else as her coach. You are too far away to be effective in this role. She needs someone who can be by her side in an instant.
Has your Aunt behaved well? No, absolutely not. Yes, it sounds as if she is being selfish and manipulative. Is it frustrating? I'm sure it is. You can respond with similar tactics, or take the high road. Don't look at it as being about your aunt. . . but rather about the baby.
At some point down the road, once the baby has arrived and the hormones have stopped raging. . .the sleepness nights are subsiding. . . and your aunt has settled into a more normal routine. . . then take the time to talk with her if you still feel hurt. You may be surprised by what you learn. But, now is not the time to initiate that discussion, however.
Good luck with your choice and your family.
A. Did your aunt have to travel from out of town to your child's birthday party? It's hard to tell what the situation is since various people know each other. However, if she was making a lengthy trip on her own, I can imagine wanting to bring someone to make it more pleasant. Regardless, talk to her about how that makes you feel... don't just fuss at her for doing it. Ask if she can invite someone else next time, just so you can focus on your daughter instead of the adult drama. I mean seriously, does it matter that she brought someone or that she chose poorly? Sounds like you guys need to spend some time talking honestly to each other. Why did she feel like she had to bring THAT friend? Why would your request for her to choose differently cause her to consider not coming at all? What is she thinking/feeling?
B. Your aunt is prenant. No one is in their right mind when they're pregnant. I totally agree, things are difficult for your relationship right now, but in the end, don't you want to be there for her and be one of those people who stood by her even when she wasn't at her best? You had a child. Do you truly believe you were at your best during all the hormone rushes. I know I had moments where I felt like I was going crazy!
C. You are seriously upset because she picked someone over you to be her coach? No way I'd pick you either... you're from OUT OF TOWN! She could go into labor at 3am 4 weeks early with complications. Are you really expecting her to put all her faith and comfort in knowing you can be there at that time with no prior planning? You said you have to fly. Have you really thought about this? You are not an option... so that tells me you are jealous of their relationship. I'm sure it's hard knowing that you used to be super close and now she's relying on someone else to do things that you want to do. But let's be realistic. You are not an option. You don't live locally.
D. I get the point about the Christmas presents. But do you really want to create a ritual of gift giving with your aunt or do you want to focus on spending quality time? Some people feel like they need to give gifts in order to show their love. Some people know that the true gift is the relationship. Don't get caught up in the materialistic part of Christmas. Enjoy the fact that your relationship rises above that.
If you really want to exchange gifts, tell your aunt that you know you don't normally do this but you'd like to start. Your aunt may only exchange gifts with her friends because they instigated it and she feels like she needs to reciprocate. My mother-in-law does this and every year she wishes her friends would save the money and just have her over for a visit or maybe for dinner. However, she reciprocates the gift because she feel's obligated in order to show them that their relationship means a lot to her too.
All in all, it sounds like you and your aunt are close but not verbally intimate. You guys need to just have a soul bearing moment where you can clear the air and get back to being close and not worry with all the "stuff" that you're caught up in now. Focus on what's important... each other! And don't try to compare yourself to her friends. She is your "sister", and you are not only friends, you are family. That is so much more powerful, but it still needs to be nurtured.
Good luck to you. I hope you guys are able to get it all worked out and be closer for it in the end.
p.s. I completely forgot the main reason you posted... the shower! I would definitely do the shower, but enlist the help of her friends. Give them tasks or ask them to compile lists of ideas from their baby shower expeirences and those of their friends or Google. Divide up the work and the expense. Have it at one of their houses so you don't have to spend extra money and tell them why. Paying for a location and expensive food is a waste. People really just want to enjoy each other.
Find out about decent catering in your area if you need to or consider ordering platters from a local restaurant she likes or from a wholesaler (Costco, Sams, etc). Do fun things that are cheap like babyfood taste tests (buy a few jars, remove labels and mark with a letter. Give everyone pretzel sticks and let them dip and taste. GIve them a piece of paper to write down all their answers and see who got the most) or nursery rhyme identification (gather 10-15 nursery rhymes and then give clues about the rhyme's story and see if they can guess the rhyme). You can do the rhymes since paper travels well, one of them can do the baby food because you can't bring it on the plane. There are so many other ideas you can find online if you don't like these.
Keep the cost down but let the friends be involved. They may really appreciate it, or not. Check back with them a few times to see how things are going and to make sure you have all the bases covered. That way they don't drop the ball and you feel like the effort and cost is distributed. You may do a lot more work since you're coordinating, but your aunt will appreciate the joint effort... if not right away, as she looks back and realizes how many people put the efforts into her special day. And resist telling tales on her friends and how much they didn't do. Let her just enjoy the event and remember it positively. It isn't about everyone being equal, it's about her and that wonderful baby!
I would pull her friends aside and tell them that they should do the baby shower. Since they are going to be her "Coaches" they should take the responsibility of throwing the shower for her. If they don't want to then you need to be honest with her and tell her what is going on. Tell her how you feel and tell her how hurt you are by the whole thing. Sometimes honesty can hurt, but in the long run you will feel better about the whole thing. If you lye about it then it will fester and eat away at you. Be honest with her, and her "Coaches" and let them know how you feel. You are a strong mommy of a 16 month old, you can do this.
I would tell her and the friends that you need them to sally forth from here, especially since you won't be there directly. You have your own family to worry about.
I would have a separate conversation with the mom to be about her behavior, if you feel so inclined.
I think that the two of you have been too close for too long for you to risk offending her by pulling out of the shower. You may have grown apart recently just b/c you have a child and she doesn't yet. As you well know life changes a lot with kids and sometimes friends without kids fade b/c they can not relate. I think you need to be the better person in all of this and very graciously continue with your plans and forgive her without her asking for it for your own sake. As a new mommy she is going to need good friends and support. It doesn't sound like her friends that live near are all that reliable but they do live near and that is probably why she has asked them to the birth. The truth is they may have invited themselves. If they were prepared to let her down with the shower they may do the same with the birth. Babies can not read clocks or calendars and tend to come at inconvenient times. I strongly suggest you follow through on the shower and be available to her if she needs you at the birth and when she needs you after the birth. Just let this be a little bump in the road of your friendship so that you can continue to be close for years to come. Friends come and go but family remains.
Tell her friends that right now you cannot afford to fly down for the shower, and the birth and stay somewhere are well. It sounds to me that even though your aunt is turning to her so called friends she is a little scared that she is going to be alone, and she thinks that she does so much for everyone else and no one is going to do anything for her. Me personally I would sit down and talk to her and let her know exactly how you are feeling. It is not good to keep things bottled up. Hope this helps and I hope your relationship with your family works out.
I think u cannot backout now if u want to stay friends
( have any kind of relationship w/your Aunt )
The way I see it ( & read it) I doubt its possible if you "back out" now. So, two choices: you either move forward & have shower as u planned ( & offered) or cancel & say good-Bye to your friend/Aunt. Once u offer something like this you cant backout. Years ago I declined being in my friends wedding after 1st accepting ( I was to be her MOH) & we were never friends again, I feel I made a very bad choice that once It was made there was no going back.
I lost a good friend.
i'm sorry there is so much hurt and confusion on both parts. this has to be very hard for both of you.
if you back out of the baby shower, you need to be prepared for a great deal of hurt on her part, and that she will not want you there for the birth and 'support' as she will feel you are not really supportive. are you prepared for that?
i think you have to sit down and make some hard choices. if you want to preserve the relationship, you have to let go of stupid things she may have done to you, or who paid how much for what. you can't keep score. if the hurt on your part has gone too deep (and there's no fault to you if it has) then courteously back out of everything and assume that your relationship as it was is effectively over.
khairete
S.
I would contact one of her firends and explain that you are unable to go to the shower, and ask them to take over. Tell them that you wish you could go but there is something else going on that day that you simply can't get out of. I don't blame you for being upset but you can't just leave her high and dry. Give all the shower stuff to the friends and leave it up to them.
You are a social worker?!
I think that you need to talk to her, be honest about your feelings and ask why she has been acting like that with you. It looks like something is bothering her and she is not telling you, and if that doesn't fix anything then don't waste your energy on her anymore, and just because she told you that she organized your wedding and help with the baby shower doesn't mean you own her your life, after all she did it because she wanted to.
And think about it, if you decide not do do the baby shower, she will always have her friends, right? They own her for the Christmas presents ;).
Good luck.
Hugs
i would just tell the friends or my sister that i can't do it. hopefully one of thm will dit instead. it doesnt have to cost much at all. have it someones house with a few finger foods and be done with it. have every guest bring a dish of finger foods then all you have to do is have the drins and plates. if she wants a shower and no one wants to throw it she can just throw her own welcome baby party as soon as the baby arrives.
Do you want a civil relationship with your aunt?
How will having a relationship, or not, affect your family dynamics?
Granted it was rude for your aunt to bring an uninvited guest to your daughter's birthday party. But, no drama occurred, so put that past you.
You also need to get over that she doesn't want you as a birth coach. You're in another state! It wouldn't make sense for you to serve in that role. I presume the friends you mention are close by.
Your aunt comes across as selfish and immature. Was she that way before she got pregnant? Some women aren't at their best when the preggo hormones are raging. Use your background as an MSW to look at your aunt more objectively.
I got a bit confused with your post towards the end, but all I can think of is to have a talk with her. You need to let her know how you are feeling, and what you are recieving from her (wether she intends that or not). Since you two are far from eachother, a phone conversation would do, or if you feel that would be awkward, I don't see any harm in writing her a letter. You can express how you feel without any concern for it coming out wrong, plus it will give your friend time to read it, and think about her own response. That might get the ball rolling for you two to work things out. I would try to do this before the baby shower, and birth of the baby, so hopefully you two can get back on track before then, to make your visit more meaningful....or if it goes the other direction, you wont need to make an unnecessary trip.
K.
I understand your feelings are hurt & you're annoyed. One thing I'd like to point out is that you need to remember that she is pregnant! She is consumed with her own hormones & issues & probably has no idea how you really FEEL. You need to communicate what you've said here to her. You have a child & she soon will too... you are family & always will be. So, just tell her your feelings are really hurt & you don't understand why she has chosen her 2 friends to coach when they didn't even want to plan the shower. If they are close enough to be the coach, then why were they not interested in throwing the shower? Obviously she found out somehow about how you're feeling (and not the whole story) since she brought it up. So, someone else is lying to you that they didn't say anything. That's why it's better to just confront it and get it over with. Then there's no misunderstandings. You'll feel better & hopefully can rebuild your relationship. I'm sure you want your kids to be close. I don't think it's a good idea to skip the shower unless you've talked it out. If you leave it like this & don't go, you will end up regretting it. If she's still being weird & not understanding, at least you tried. Good luck!
Take a good look back at your life with her. Does she do her fair share to support the relationship or are you always the one putting forth the effort? Is she a repeat offender? Does she have your best interest at heart? If not, you may need to consider distancing yourself from her. You must for yourself and your family. There is enough difficulty in life without inviting more. I am not saying disown her, just distance.
If you're still planning on being there for the birth and for support, then it seems that you ought to just finish what you started. The baby shower is representative of your support. Backing out of something that you started will just add fuel to fire that she's stirring for whatever her reasons. Why add to all of that mess when there's a new baby involved? After all this is done with, it might be in your best interest to just maintain your distance and boundaries and not contribute to the escalation of any "drama" with your aunt.
I think it would be okay to say that due to many circumstances, you don't feel you can take on the shower anymore. If they'd like to, that's fine, but you do not feel you can. Then I'd leave it at that. No one else needs to know your reasons, and there's no telling how they could be misconstrued. Then, when you go, I wouldn't bring it up. If someone else wants to talk about it, tell them you don't want to discuss it. I know that can seem harsh-I did it to my mom when she asked about a situation involving my brother and sister-in-law, and to my other SIL, who was the only person who cared enough about my unplanned pregnancy (before my husband and I married, when we were 19). My mom and SIL were a little put off, but I stood my ground, and in the end, they understood, and the relationship with my brother and his wife is better than it would have been if I had brought up the truth of the matter, though I won't let myself be put in that situation with them again. Good luck!
T.,
I think that baby shower means more to her than she could ever tell you. Please let whatever happened in the past not be a factor in welcoming your aunt's baby. I do agree with other posters that it is not easy being pregnant and I know I wasn't myself at that time! Myself, I almost didn't have a baby shower either, since we didn't live near family. The idea that my baby was coming without anyone to welcome her was beyond painful. But some true friends came through for me and I treasure their thoughtfulness to this day. Try to forgive the dramatic tendencies as part of the whole process, and keep in touch with your aunt.
I hope you will go forward with the baby shower plans and start asking for help from all the friends and family who will be there. If you can't feel it, then fake it til you make it. Your aunt will truly be grateful no matter what she says. She really needs you now!
Best of luck,
J.
