I have been married for 1 year. We were both divorced with children. My issue is with my 16 year old step daughter who lives with us full time. Her mother lives about an hour away however she only see her about 4 times a year which is usually just a day visit. Birth mom does call her regularly which only makes things worse because she does not back me or my husband on any rules that we may have! We had problems with my step daughter last spring including smoking pot,skipping school,drinking, shop lifting and excessive lying! I believe over the summer she did start to turn her life around however as of the last couple months she is again hanging out with the friends she got in trouble with and her behavior makes me believe she is making bad choices. She also openly admitted that these 2 girls are still smoking pot and making bad choices they just dont do it around her...or so she says!!? She also has odd behavior that includes sleeping all day and then not be able to sleep at night...missing almost 2 weeks of school because she says she cant sleep...odd swings of behavior from talkative and happy to lethargically depressed. My husband is turning a blind eye saying its just drama. As of the last couple of weeks our house has become the hang out for these kids and they are very desrespectful ,rude and hurtful especially when my husband is gone(he travels alot for work). I also had $60 worth of belongings "disappear" . I put up with this for weeks before i finally told my husband that these 2 friends of hers should not be welcome in our house. Now my step daughter wont speak to me and very obviously hates me. This is not how i imagined or wanted this to go! It is horrible to live like this....so I will take any advice on how i maybe should have handled this ....on how i can possibly move forward with a decent relationship with her...and how i can possibly get her help when i really am not given any control over that!
First i need to say thanks so much ladies...feels so good to hear other moms feel the same and would have done the same thing! I have been beating myself up the last few days thinking maybe i am the monster step mom!! Anyway...great advice from all of you. She is acutually in counseling but i have not been able to be involved in that so I dont know if the counselor is getting the whole story! If he isnt then he isnt going to be able to help her! I do know that he talked to my husband at her last appointment and the counselor told him that he was having difficulty getting her to talk. I can tell you all of your words have already helped me to feel better!! The school she goes to has over 600 students and i will say i am very disappointed with them because they just let kids fall through the cracks. All they have done so far in this situation is send my husband a letter saying she has topped out on her allowed sick days...which is 10 days! So time will tell ...6 more months of school i am sure she will miss many more! It would be so helpful for me if the school would step in.....i have considered contacting the school myself but dont know how that would be received since i am not her parent.
I feel so sorry for you. Walt Disney has done society a huge disservice making the step mom the villain in all his movies. I think Cinderella in real life is typically the step mom. The birth mom is not mothering and the father travels and leaves you with their damaged goods. You have all the responsibility and zero rights.
Could she move back with the bio mom?
In a situation as complex at this, a family counselor can work wonders. It's hard to step-parent, period, but throwing a teen engaging in at-risk behavior, an oblivious custodial parent, and an absent non-custodial parent into the mix is a recipe for disaster. A counselor can help everyone find common goals and find ways to move towards those goals, together. Sounds like your SD could probably also use individual counseling as well, especially in dealing with her absentee biological mother.
Make an appointment and see how it goes - wishing you the best of luck!
the deck is so stacked against you. step-parenting is difficult at best, stepping a teenager ratchets it up to the nth degree, and with her own parents being so uninvolved with her, no wonder the poor girl is acting out frantically.
it's nice that you're there to be the safety net, but it's really unfair for both of you. perhaps when she's older she'll appreciate your efforts, but there's no way she will right now. you've come into her life so recently, and without any sort of a support structure in place to foster a healthy relationship between the two of you.
i disagree with banishing her friends from your house. if it were i, i would keep 'em closer. i'd have strict rules in place, mind you (and i'd remove valuables from temptation) and i'd enforce them, but i'd encourage that MORE of the hanging out happen under my watchful eye. they're not going to be shoplifting or smoking pot if they're watching movies in your living room.
you don't have to permit outright nastiness (and don't- kick them out immediately if they're little bitches) but DO develop a very thick skin to the passive-aggressive attempts to push your buttons. no one enjoys the eye-rolling and sneering and sulky snarky tones that teenagers can affect, but in the greater scheme of things they're small potatoes. learn how to let them roll off you. it's still better than having the girls out running the street.
i'd have a zero tolerance policy toward missing school due to sleepiness. if she's exhausted at school she'll buck up on her sleep habits.
your husband can't force her to be pleasant to you, but he damn sure should be around to help enforce the rules and way more importantly to be involved in his daughter's life on a daily basis.
the counselor isn't going to let you in on the sessions. that would defeat the purpose. if he's ineffectual at helping her, get a better counselor. get her a psychiatrist if she needs one. and she might, poor thing, being in a situation where she's desperately trying to figure out the rules and boundaries, and her parents aren't stepping up, and the only structure in her life is her stepmom (and good for you) who is trying, but a) doesn't have the authority to lower the boom and b) doesn't like her much.
she's going to be a young woman out in the world in a couple of short years. your husband needs to quit hiding his head in the sand and help her get ready for it.
khairete
S.
I agree with the moms who say dad should be more involved and handling this. Your voice counts too of course, but he's the parent. He needs to take the lead on this, figure out what is going on, dealing with the school, setting the rules, etc.
However, in your own home, you are also in charge. So if you don't want these kids over, don't allow it. I don't have to run that kind of thing past my husband - because I am in charge here fully especially when he's not home. That's not a parenting rule - that's a house rule. No guests over that I don't want here.
I don't know why your school is not more involved, but maybe they have contacted your husband and he's not been forthcoming with you. It sounds fishy to me just because here it's handled so differently. They would not let this slide.
Ultimately though, apart from the step daughter issue, I see this as a huge red flag in your marriage. How did it get this bad? Because your husband let it. Pure and simple.
Some good kids from good parents do get into trouble and all kids go through phases even with attentive parents. But she's right off the rails here and he's not handling it.
It will cause more stress and get worse before it gets better and if he's not up for the challenge I can only imagine what this will do to your marriage.
I personally would step back - realize you can't form a strong bond with her at the moment so let that go for time being, and let him deal with the consequences. Sometimes when we moms/step moms butt out a bit and stop trying to solve problems out of our control, the dads have to step up.
Good luck :)
It's going to be tough to do anything if the Dad isn't on board.
You might just have to lock up all your valuables (or get a safety deposit box at a bank) and let her rob her father blind.
If she's in trouble with the law - don't bail her out - let her suffer the consequences of her choices.
Dad's left the building a lot of the time and not dealing with it.
If Dad ever wakes up, his daughter could use some therapy - she sounds either doped or bipolar and trying to self medicate with booze and/or dope.
Missing 2 weeks of school should have the truant officer visiting your house.
Ultimately - if I were in your position - I'd tell Dad to DEAL with his daughter else I'm leaving.
Then do so if he calls your bluff.
His dumping his kid on you when you have no authority is not making me see your Hubby in any good light.
There should be a Holiday for step parents! anywho....
You are 100% correct in my book with not allowing the disrespectful children at your home. You cannot control what your child does outside of your home but you can try to do so inside. As a parent we have to make those hard decisions and say no and at the time it can hurt us more than the child but it must be done, why/ because we see the bigger picture sometimes as parents. You are trying rescue this child from bad decisions and that is what we do as parents so do not feel bad about that- that is LOVE.
If it were me I would stay strong in my stance of not allowing the bad influences around as much as possible. I would keep a close eye on her and be realistic with if she is using drugs or not and if I found out that she was I would take all the actions necessary to help her even if that means ruffling feathers with the mom and my husband. At the end of the day you can say that you did all that you can to help this child get back on the right path. A hard place to be in I know but you are. As far as the no support from the other parents I am not sure, but I would let my SD know that I know what is going on and I do not care if she does not like me but I would make sure I tell her constantly that I love her and I refuse to watch her go down this path and not do anything.
Wisdom,courage and peace to you!
I agree with counseling and I agree that her dad has to step in and take a firm stance with his daughter. If he doesn't, there's not a lot you can do, because she will play the two of you off each other and the result will not be good.
Sixteen can be a really tough, unpleasant age. Stand your ground, she can hate you if she wishes. Be kind and loving when she gives you an opportunity, but stand firm on rude or inappropriate behavior.
It sounds like this isn't going to be resolved easily, especially if your husband is going to be a wimp about it. Hang on for the ride -- it will be better in a few years, even if it's simply because she's moved out.
Was this man you married like this before you married him? Did he just let this girl run roughshod over him? And he brought YOU into and dumped her off on you, too?
Your new husband is a jerk. He is abdicating his responsibility as a father and expecting you to pick up the pieces.
Stick to your guns. Your step-daughter doesn't get to bring people into your home who steal from you.
Tell your husband that you want marriage counseling if your marriage is to survive.
I'd have to agree with counseling. If she continues a downward spiral I would have her go to a wilderness program, it's done wonders for my family. It turned a bad situation around pretty quickly. Hang in there Mama!
Okay, mom is only an hour away. She needs to go to mom's house every other weekend and for several weeks on breaks. That mom needs to get involved in her daughter's life.
Then the daughter needs a dad who'll stand up for his daughter but that's not going to happen. SO figure out this. She is going to be there another year or so then gone. If you can't live with her then you and your kids can move into an apartment for the meantime and then spend time with your husband without her. Or talk to the mom and ask her how she feels about daughter coming to live with her.
I have a friend who married the man of her dreams. His one son hated her with a passion and it was him or her. SO she moved into an apartment and when kiddo went to visit him mom my friend would spend the entire weekend with her husband. It worked out very well for them. When the son got older he absolutely loves her now. He calls her his mom and his kids call her grandma. If she'd have forced him to comply with her wishes and forced her husband to choose then she'd likely be single now and not have her wonderful life with her husband and all her grand kids from her kids and his. They moved back in together once the kid went off to college. Life has been very good to them over the years and they've been married over 25 years.
Honestly if it were my child I would look into sending her to an expensive private school with therapy and I also might look into having her do some kind of course like outward bound or a NOLS leadership course...or some course specifically for kids who are getting into drugs. If she admits her friends are doing pot it is likely that is the mildest drug they are doing and she and her friends are also into much harder drugs. She needs to get away from these friends. Yes she will hate you but perhaps in her 20s she will look back and admit it was good to break those ties. It's ok if she hates you at this time but keep reminding her you just want what is best for her. Anyway...that's my opinion. I wish you luck. Perhaps also family counseling for the 3 of you together.
