Houseguest or Moocher ** Would Limiting Time Work?*

OMG...you even had to pay for dinner?!?! She had a lot of nerve not to treat you after you hosted her...multiple times!

If she has the nerve to ask again then you should have the nerve to say no.

I agree that you did fine. Overnight is fine, 5 days is a bit of an imposition. The truth is, you are underwriting her business by offering her free accommodations and paying for dinner. She should be factoring these costs into her cost of doing business.

It's interesting to me that, when you told her no, she said she could adjust her schedule and come earlier! That sounds a little manipulative, frankly.

"I'm sorry, that won't work for us," is fine.

I think you handled it nicely. You figured out her "motive" after a couple of times with her at your home. You were not confrontational or rude in your discussion letting her know that the next time is not a good time. You "owe" her no explanation other than just saying.. "I'm sorry, that just doesn't work out with our schedule".

She has been banking on staying with you to avoid hotel and other expenses while she is selling her jewelry and making money for herself. She sounds like quite a user and taker.

Good for you for nipping it when you did. I would not waste a vacation day on her.

you handled it better than I would have, L..

We have our nephew living with us now. He's gone from 0500 to 1900 - sometimes earlier, sometimes later. He keeps us informed and he pays me "rent" - although not as much as he feels he should. he does NOT take us for granted. When we have family come to town? He goes to another room in the house. It's been great having him here!

Your "friend"? Yeah. No. I'm all for having people over and helping out. But now it's like she expects you to do it. You handled it well stating that you couldn't commit due to family obligations. I would tell her that if she has a schedule, you will check to see what you can do. Otherwise, you can recommend some great hotels in the area.

I would say to give you advance notice when she is coming through town and you will let her know if your guest bedroom is available. If I felt the way you do I would tell her yes about once a year and enjoy her company. The other times I'd say "I'm sorry...this time doesn't work for us for you to stay here". If you can't take a vacation day, say, "oh sorry, I can't take a vacation day right now. Maybe if you are here on a weekend day we can do something together.? She must like you more than you like her. If I had a good friend coming through town 3x a year I would be OVERJOYED! In fact this did happen when we used to live in DC. A college friend would come for work about 3x a year and most of the time she would come sleep on our couch. It was so nice to get girlfriend time and to catch up. I would try to plan time to go meet her for lunch or dinner near her work meetings in downtown DC or do something fun together. I MISS this opportunity now that we no longer live there...she never comes to New Mexico for work sadly.

I think you did a good job. She seems to think your guest room is hers to use whenever she's in town and you let her know that you had other things going on and wouldn't be able to commit. If she asks again say 'Oh I'm sorry but that won't work for us' and don't offer any additional information because basically no if a full answer.

I know a couple people like this and I'm very close friends with them but I had to figure out this personality before I could stop being annoyed and allow myself to love them.

People like this are just that, fly by the seat of their pants-ers. They don't plan because they don't need to. Something always works out. It might be their top choice, it might not, but in the end it doesn't matter because it worked out. I (and I suspect you) don't work like that, so it was very hard for me to grasp that people can actually function like this.

You need to lose the feelings of guilt and pressure because really and truly this lady will make it work with or without you. She may rather stay with you, but if her style and schedule doesn't jive with yours, then just say yes when you can and say no the rest of the time and let it go! I suspect that when you let go of the pressure you will end up having fun with her when you see her and not sweat it when you don't, but you'll look forward to another time when you get to catch up.

I know it sounds like I'm oversimplifying it, but I'm not. You have to be able to know her personality and yours. You don't have to adapt to hers, you just have to know yourself enough to know what you can and can't do in regards to her erratic personality and planning.

I think you handled it just right, and that the only thing you could change is to feel more confident in what you said. After all, how would she know that it's an inconvenience if you don't tell her? It is understandable that she was surprised when you said no, since she had no idea she was inconveniencing you, but if she really is your friend, she will accept your response gracefully - which it sounds like she did after her initial surprise.

To be more confident when you talk to her, I think you should think about what you are ok with, and what you are not ok with. Are you ok with a visit if it's 3 days or less, and it was only inconvenient because it was longer? Or do you simply not like houseguests at all? Once you clarify in your own mind what you want, then you can express that to her clearly and politely. "Oh, we'd love to have you stay on your shorter trips, but more than 3 days is too long for us. Let me know next time you have a short visit." Or whatever.

Personally, I think that true adult friendships are hard to come by, and I'd be thrilled if my good friends who live far away came to stay with me once or twice a year - even if they had other things to do during the day. (sometimes even better if they have something else to do during the day, because I might no have extra vacation days to entertain them, and if they are busy during the day, I won't feel guilty heading off to work and saying see you at dinner).

she has put you on the spot, and that's really not okay.

you are a nice friend for accommodating her, and i totally get that you'd like to enjoy her without having her presence disrupting your household routine. 5 days would be way too long for me to have anyone but immediate and beloved family.

i'd feel somewhat taken aback as you were, and i get that it's hard to come up with just the right response on the fly. i'm glad you have time to plan and craft a good response now.

i think i'd do something along the lines of 'beatrice, it's lovely to get to see you regularly. if you'd like it our spare room is free over the weekend of the 3rd and 4th. you should have plenty of time to make arrangements for the rest of your trip here.'

don't fall into the trap of explaining yourself. if she says 'i'd really like to stay for the full 5 days. do you have family staying? if i come earlier would that be better?' then keep your smile in place and don't waver. 'the weekend of the 3rd and 4th is what works for us. if that doesn't fit in with your schedule i hope we can at least grab a cup of coffee while you're in town. let me know!'

it's hard to draw good boundaries with people to whom you're close and you like, but this degree of pushiness won't back off. stand your ground.

pleasantly.

ETA i'm a little taken aback by suggestions that you should make up an excuse or use your husband as an out. why? what's wrong with courteous honesty? and i'm with JC in being completely boondoggled that after hosting her she still let you buy her dinner. when i stay with friends, even for a single night, i ALWAYS take them out for a nice meal to express my appreciation. i can't imagine why she would even let you pay under these circumstances. yeah, she's staying with you to save money, but a thank you dinner should be part of her budget. still cheaper than a hotel. sheesh.
khairete
S.

"It was great to see you and catch up but husband and I have our own routine and really can't do the over night guest thing anymore.... sorry."

"No" is a complete sentence.
Her 'vision' is not your problem and she sounds quite calculating in the way she sidles up to you.
I think she's done this before with others and is good at it.

I would have cut her off sooner than you did but you did fine!

People don't invite themselves to my house - because I am not a hotel.
If they need somewhere to stay - I know where a very nice Hampton Inn is located and they can Google directions from the address I give them.

I had to deal with something similar a few years ago. It was awkward because I don't think my friend was being purposely rude or cheap, I think she just didn't like staying alone in a hotel.
I finally said "just go ahead and make other plans because we really can't host anyone then." When she suggested maybe changing her dates I just said, "no, I don't think so, we've just got too much going on."
She finally got the hint.

Blame it on the husband...."Sorry Debbie, Mike agreed to an overnight stay after much badgering from me, but he honestly does not like house guests. He is an extremely private person and doesn't feel comfortable walking around at home in his underwear when there are guests. I'm very sorry, but I cannot get into a fight with my husband. I'd be glad to help you find a nearby hotel, or meet you for dinner, visit you at your hotel, etc. You can always book an AirBnB too, since those are cheaper. Let me know if you need me to help you find one that is close to the fair, since I am familiar with the neighborhoods. I hope you can understand."

Worked well for my mom, though it was the truth. My father did not mind people coming to dinner, as long as he agreed to it, but if they overstayed their welcome, he made it very clear it was time for them to go (changing into pajamas, yawning, turning off the TV, the house lights, and telling my mom it's time to say goodbye to the house guests). Sleeping over would not have been something he would have tolerated. An ex-boyfriend I am friendly with asked if he could stay in my extra room as he was in town for a couple of weeks (he now lives in Greece). I simply said no and refused to respond to texts asking me why. I just don't feel comfortable having a married man in my apartment, while his wife is back home in Greece and is unaware of his plans. Don't feel intimidated in your own home, just because your friend's putting the pressure on you to host her!

I had to read through the replies, because I just wanted to see how others would have handled it.

I'm TRULY saddened and shocked at those who basically said to lie to your friend. Use your husband as an excuse. That's TRULY sad. That is NOT friendship. It's not cool nor kind. You handled it right.

I'm kinda flabbergasted that she didn't pay for her portion or even pay for the whole meal. That's sad.

Renting a booth is not cheap. That's true. Some places can charge $2K for the "privilege" and then she has her travel costs. However, that's NOT your responsibility.

DO NOT lie to her.
DO NOT use your husband as a 'scape goat.
Tell her the truth. She needs to know that while you appreciate and value your friendship. you feel like you are being taken advantage of.

Two things that are reflected in some below comments, which I think you should keep in mind:

1) How much fun is the friendship for you? Parenting gets tough sometimes, and there are many moms who would love the "home delivery" of a gal pal to throw a splash of grownup fun into the daily grind! Friendship time without you having to even leave your house, is not necessarily a bad thing.

2) If she truly wants to be a "businesswoman", she needs to factor the cost of these craft fair trips into her bottom line. You being a free stay, is preventing her from having to face that reality. As a friend, you might want to address that with her. (Maybe that would at least remind her to offer to buy you and your husband dinner.)

I think calling her a moocher is a little harsh. If you don't want her staying with you, tell her so. But artists don't get paid a lot doing these shows, especially the shows they travel for - she's laying out anywhere from $500-$1000 just for the booth. I don't fault her for wanting to save some money. Plus, hotels are breeding grounds for bedbugs anymore.

Just be honest and tell her it's a bit too long - or make up an excuse. But then you'd better hide for that week she's in town when you've told her you won't be! That's a lot of work just to keep up a lie. You're better off just telling her - we aren't that fond of house guests.

I would be thrilled to have a good friend come and Stay a few times a year. She seems to be very low maintenance. I guess just say no in a nice way.

My husbands cousin came "for a week" to get situated in his new job - turns out he was here for a month at our house. I started putting pressure on my DH to get him to make permanent arrangements elsewhere - finally he left. I will never have another house guest unless I set an actual limit. I would probably say that we're only available for a few days - because that's my "company tolerance". If this friend wants to come back, and it's inconvenient, I would just say your husband has a lot going on at work and it's too hard to have company right now.