Hitting Problem - Walnut,CA

Hi E., sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I would h=get hubby involved with some firm discipline, monitor what he's watching, what he's listening too, because he is getting this from some where. He has an older brother so maybe he's watching and listening to them. Talk to him, so he understands the rules at school, try to have the same rules at home so he gets used to them, and go from there. J.

you know i have been real lucky at my sons preschool, he to was going through the same thing. he hit and kicked the teachers and although they were frustrated they would not give in to him. i was afraid they were going to remove him from the class however they said that would be giving in to his bad behavior instead we all sat down and talked, we implemented a behavior chart and we communicated everyday. what a change, once he saw that he could not get over on us the problems have subsided. we still have some moments but they are few and far between and it is hard to believe he used to be the boy that hit and kicked his way through the day. Now he is the boy who makes good choices. the teachers and i still talk on a daily basis. you are not a bad mom. hopefully the teachers will work with you and not just throw him out.

Hi E.,

I can certainly empathize. I went through the same thing with my son, only his preschool and his teachers were proactive, supportive, firm, but loving, and worked with us to reinforce what we were doing at home to eliminate this behavior. As child care specialists and educators, they understood that this behavior does occur in preschool children, and although they made it clear to my son (as well as to the other kids who were hitting in the class) that it was not okay, they did not ever label him as bad or make me feel like I was a bad parent or doing something wrong. We worked together on this, and it is no longer a problem.

Sorry if this gets long or seems like too much information. I just really feel your frustration and want to offer some things that may help.....not sure if any or all apply, but take what might work for you. Please do not beat yourself up. You are obviously a good and loving mom. Your son is 3 and exhibiting behaviors that are commonly seen in preschool children. While we certainly would never condone hitting or consider it acceptable, we must understand that our children are young and learning how to "be in the world" and we are here to help teach them.

First, how is your son's health? Does he have on-going health issues? When was his last physical? Did you talk with your pediatrician about the hitting? Most schools require an up to date physical and a doctor's signature indicating that your child is well and can handle a preschool setting.

At home, I would, as another mom wrote, seriously monitor what he watches on tv. So many things that might seem okay on the surface are just not good for preschool children. And if you think they aren't paying attention or picking up on things, they do! I have had to institute rules in our household for the older kids(older teens)that when our 4 year-old is in the room, there can be nothing with swearing, violence, etc., and this includes the vast majority of PG movies! Basically, limit him to PBS, Sprout, Disney preschool (not the tween stuff), and Noggin. Shows on these channels are written especially for preschool children and try to model and reinforce positive values and appropriate social behaviors.

But it's not only what he watches; it's HOW MUCH he's in front of tv/videos/computer screens, etc. I let my son watch a few shows and then say, "tv time is done for the day. Let's do something else now." You might get a fight and some tears, but you control the remote!
When small children are allowed to sit in front of a screen and passively receive information for too long, it truly does negatively affect their attention span (which is already very short, understandably) and their ability to process information.

At this age, our children should be actively exploring and manipulating things in their world, e.g., doing puzzles, drawing with crayons, making things with clay or play-dough, building with blocks, etc. Reading with your child and just having conversations with him are much more important to his brain/behavior development than any "educational" program or video. Not sure if this is a factor in your case, but thought I'd mention it as it is so important.

I also found with my son that he also needs at least some "running time" just about every day. It might be going on bike ride, going out and throwing a few baseballs, swimming, going to the park, whatever. Even 15 minutes of physical activity can make a differnce. Our little ones need some safe outlet where they can exert all of that energy they have. I know this is hard to do every day, and some days, it just might not be possible, but it doesn't have to be very long. On the days he is at preschool, your son should have at least some playground time, so it's covered on those days.

Sleep. Make sure he is getting enough. You know your child best, but experts usually say between 11-13 hours for this age group. If he doesn't sleep this much through the night, try to have him nap, even if he has "given up" on naps. Most often, it is us parents who "give up" on naps because we don't want to fight with the children about it when they resist. He should at least have some quiet or down time, if he is not sleeping enough through the night.

Nutrition. Check his diet to see if you can determine any particular foods that might affect him negatively. Although many people say it is a fallacy, I believe processed sugar and foods do affect children's behavior.
You may want to try elimiating some of the common culprits like overly processed sugared cereals/cereal bars and replacing fresh fruits for high-sugar content juices, etc. and see if this helps.

Someone mentioned the book, "Hands Are Not for Hitting." It is an excellent book, and it was part of our strategy. We read it over and over, and even after the hitting behavior dropped off, we'd read it once in a while for reinforcement. It is short, sweet, but says all it needs to say on this subject!

You may want to try some small group playdates (2-3 other children) and monitor your son's behavior during the interaction. If he hits, remove him immediately, and firmly say, "We don't hit. Hitting hurts." Set him away (safely) from you and the others and don't give him any other attention for 3 minutes. At the end of the time-out, say, "I'm sure you're ready to get back and play and use nice hands. Let's go, so you don't miss the fun!" Do this consistently every time he hits. It may even mean leaving a playdate or party or other fun activity, but it won't take long, if he has to leave an activity he loves.

Whenever you observe your son using "nice hands" or other socially appropriate behaviors, genuinely PRAISE him then and there...."I like how you shared your toy with Tommy" or "You're doing such a great job using nice hands today!"
Behavior that gets reinforced gets repeated. You want the "good" behaviors to be repeated.

Now, about the school. It is a little concerning that the teacher handled the situation in this way on your child's FIRST DAY in preschool. I'm not sure about your school, their policies, the teacher requirements, but ideally, the teachers and the administration should be willing to work with you to develop a very specific plan to deal with this behavior. Pick-up and drop-off times are very hectic and not a good time to talk to the teacher about this. Ask her when you can schedule a time to talk, preferably in person, to come up with a plan. You may also want to talk with the administrator and share your concerns. Check with the parent handbook for the school's policies on hitting. Some schools do have very stringent rules about this. The key is to get all of the adults (mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, etc.) who have contact with your child working from the same page.

Please know that you are not alone. Many, many moms have struggled with this. It takes consistency, firm redirection, tons of patience and love, but it can be done.

Best wishes to you and your family as you work through this issue! It does get better!

J. F.

Even though he's using his words, it sounds like at these times he has no words to express his frustration. He's not a bad boy, but of course he has to learn new behavior to make him more group friendly.

When my nephew got into these situations, my sister-in-law taught him ways to cope til he had the words. She would say, you seem mad to me, lets HOP. She and he would hop up and down on one foot. and they'd start laughing. She found that when she wasn't alone, he started doing it, and it would deflate his anger/frustration immediately. He may even set an example to other children he's around. Your other son may be able to help enforce this as well. There's nothing like laughter and physical exercise to work out frustration at any age.

When he feels better he'll probably feel more like hugging, than hitting. He's not using his words in these situations because he doesn't know how to verbalize these feelings (adults have the same trouble).

Also consider that maybe he's not quite ready for the program. You said he's not listening--his attention span may not be long enough yet for what he's doing. Try some alternative strategies for him to express himself, and hopefully the hitting will become a thing of the past. I can only imagine that the first day would be very stressful, even if he's excited to be there. It takes some kids a while to adapt to school. If you are a stay at home mom, can you spend time at the preschool with him until he is able to cope and interact better? Perhaps the teachers would welcome your help.

You aren't a bad mom. Parenting is hard.

Try this..it totally worked for my son.. Get this book.."Hands Are Not For Hitting" read it to him every day...then when he hits say.."hands are not for hitting" i also tell my son to have friends you have to be a friend, so be nice and not a meanie to the other kids" My son only goes 2 afternoons a week..i started him off that way so that it wouldn't be too much.
Tell him if other kids hit him, to tell the teacher and don't hit back. I think just disciplining isn't enough...a child needs to be taught why its bad to hit..my son moved from hitting to grabbing..he will want to hug someone and was getting too rough with the hugs but has stopped. Toddlers get these bursts of emotions and its hard for them to control them...he just needs to be taught how to control them..and the "Hands Are Not For Hitting Book" really helps..they also have "Mouths Are Not For Biting" and "I Can Share" i bought them at Target..i'm sure Borders or Barnes and Noble carries it.

good luck...i know it sucks..i had a little boy that used to hit me a lot in elementary school..literally would try to beat me up..later in high school he asked me out..UGH! i told him NO!!!!

D.

I don't have any advice per se, but just a question. Does your son watch TV and if so, what type of programs? Two of our family friends have very active 3 and 5 year old sons (separate families) and both families were letting their boys watch quite a bit of TV, including Star Wars and such. Both boys were exhibiting aggression. One family cut out TV completely, at the suggestion of his school. That family has seen quite a difference in behavior. The other family started cutting out Star Wars and the more aggressive shows and they also saw an improvement. Just a thought...

My three and a half grandson often does the same, however, after he made friends and with alot of teacher and home intervention he's doing alot better. His older brother loves Batman, Hulk and all the other "adventure" heroes and of course he's right there with him. I have him every morning before I take him to pre-school and absolutely will not let him watch any action heroes any more. It's starting to make a huge difference.

I'm not pleased with how the school handled this. They'll remove him? Are you kidding, he is three and three year olds do this! If they knew what they were doing, they would know what to do and help guide him and you along the way. Please, don't be mad at him. And, don't beat yourself up either. This is very normal, and it was his first day! With hitting, it is important to find the trigger and try to redirect him. Give him the words in the moment, for example if he is hitting because another child has a toy he wants, well, the caregiver will be watching for this and before he hits, intervene and give him the words, "oh, you want that car, don't you? Jack has it right now, let's go find a different car to play with" or something similar. Do you know why he hit the teacher? Exactly what happened? I wouldn't pull him out of the school if you like the school and are overall happy, but I would sit down with them and talk about this. He learns nothing if he is simply removed. My son was hitting as well, but I want to say he was 1.5 ish, he'd go right up to a random kid at the park and hit - I caught on quickly, redirected, gave him the words and it was stopped quickly and never started again. If it worked with my son, I'm sure it would work with a 3yo. I know you say his vocab is good, but that doesn't mean he knows how to express anger, dissapointment and so on.

Best wishes,
M.

This is gonna be hard for a while but I suggest a zero tolerance to hitting in your home. Take something away from him when he hits or give him a time out- whatever works best for both of you. And STAY CONSISTENT. That's the hard part. You can't let it fly anytime. You'll have to stop whatever you're doing and discipline him when it happens. Maybe give him a special stuffed animal for hitting and explain he can hit only that when he gets frustrated. Good luck

Hi E.,
I feel your pain, embarrassment, struggle and love.
My daughter too is a hitter, a biter, an all around force of nature. She has drawn blood. She already has a reputation with her peers. She just turned three two weeks ago and she has been hitting since she could lift her arms.
I have read every book, cried a thousand times, embraced myself in public due to my reaction to her behaviour. She gets more one on one time than any child i know, her tv is heavily monitored, her father and i are both evolved in discipline, she is constantly rewarded with good behaviour.
And yet she still hits.....
As time passes I blame myself less and understand it more to be a human quality. My daughter and i are cut from the same cloth. I know her aggression is innate. It's in my blood too. And so i do it all, I offer compassion, love, stern discipline, anger, explanation after explanation, rewards, i take away beloved things, i prepare her for what may happen in a playdate/preschool if she hurts people, i coach her through difficult times, feed her appropriately, make sure she is well before putting her in a social situation.
We are good people, surrounded by good people, our children are good people. It's hard to remember this when your child is hurting others, but i believe this physical aggression will transform into something beautiful. (oh please oh please because it is so bloody exhausting!!!!!!!)
good luck E..

Hi E.,

You are not a bad mom at all. This is a common problem for so many parents. (I am a parent coach and I see it all the time.) You son is trying to tell you something. Don't worry about putting a stop to the hitting right now. Instead focus on decoding his behavior. Why is he hitting? Here is an article I wrote about this issue. I hope it will be helpful to you.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/6/11_Attack...

I also have a parent workshop series coming up next month. It would be perfect for you. We will be covering positive discipline and effective communication. Here is the link for the full class description. If you sign up with a friend, you'll even get 10% off.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Classes.html

If I can be of any further assistance, you can contact me anytime.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I am sorry that you are having problems with the daycare. It is the worst thing in the world to have others in the general public ask "Are you the mom?" when your child is acting out...they don't seem to realize that you are trying whatever you can at home to resolve the situation and the behavior.

Bottom line is that you are doing the very best you can. I agree with Julie that you need to monitor what television programs he is watching and what games he plays with peers. It could be that he learned this from someone else. There is also a book that I have heard of, called "Hands are not for Hitting." People I have talked to highly recommend it. Also, try "Magic 1-2-3" and "Parenting with Love and Logic"

Best of luck,
J.

Hi E.,

It sounds like your son is in desperate need of some good ole quality time with you. Children (particualary boys) have a very hard time expressing their feelings, no matter how large their vocabularly. The hitting is a cry for help. He may not be ready for preschool. There are 5 levels of develeopment, and social/emotional maturity is always the last to develope.
Since you are a stay at home mom, keep your son home with you for a while. Play with him, read to him, give him plenty of cuddles and interaction. After a month, slowly go back to school. Pick him up early, before your other son gets home. After some time, as things WILL get better, you can prolong his day at preschool by 30 min increments, thus weaning him back into a full day. If he only goes for a half day at this point, then take him out for a few months.

Good luck,
P.

A little about me:
I am a mom of a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old. I've been married for 16 yrs and have a child care business from home.

First of all, try not to be to hard on yourself. OUr kids actions aren't always the best reflection of how we raise them. Has your husband stepped in and said his piece? Sometimes it takes a fathers stern voice to straighten boys (and girls) out. He may be just a little to young at the point. Maybe wait another year. Or don't let him go far a few days and when he asks why explain to him. then give him another chance. Maybe he will get the point. Good Luck!

I've found that if my 3 1/2 year old is tired he gets really agressive and will hit. I would make sure he's getting enough rest. 3 year old's still need naps or at least down time and bedtime should be started no later than 8:00pm even if he took a nap.

If you or another caregiver spanks your son, I would definitely stop that. It may work for some children to give them a little swat but, not for agressive/active kids. I found that one out the hard way.

Additionally, it works for me to give my son a guilt trip. I'll say, when you hit/do that it, makes me really sad. Do you want me to be sad? And then I would bring that same concept over to other people as well. Say, "you don't want to hurt or make Sally sad, do you?" Do you want to have friends? Because friends don't hit each other.

Good luck.

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. My only suggestion. I had a problem with hitting and I tried every concoction and nothing worked. My cousin suggested over and over to get a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn---he also has a website. I began reading the book and tried what was suggested and it worked. The book is not a how too book. It helped me really take a look at the "why". Why are they hitting or biting or whatever? What do they need or what are they frustrated about that they cannot express so they are hitting, etc...You can get it at the library and it is a short read. His website has some great journal articles from his writings and you can also email him with questions and he responds right away. I know it seems like getting a book might take a long time to get to a solution, but the first day I got into the book it begins immediately addressing issues and teaching how to handle with love, understanding and respect. I hope this helps and if you have any other questions or want more info let me know. Give him love!!!!

STOP CRYING!

He is THREE. He hits. He doesn't listen. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. He is in a new environment, with complete strangers.

There is no amount of "talk" to prepare a three year old for the first day of school. Each kid reacts differently to this stressful day. This is HUGE for his little brain to take in. You dropped him off and LEFT him! Words may not come so quickly for a three year old in this uncertain situation.

I am not condoning his behavior, but I do understand it. It seems to me, a mother and K-1 TEACHER, that my fellow educators fell down on this one. It takes time to cultivate the relationship and respect of an average three year old. The first day of school is 99% always terrifying for them. Hitting at this age is often an expression.

Get together with his teachers and calmly discuss the hitting problem as it's own issue. (School being another.)
Time outs, taking items away and other negative reactions may not work. Try positive reactions to positive behaviors. ANY he may exhibit. Reward the SMALLEST things.

I used a hidden bag of $0.89 Hot Wheel cars during a tough behavioral time. After explaining the rules, which I did over and over through out the day, if my son made it through an hour without hitting I presented him with a car. I redirected him all day long and rewarded him grandly! The next day the first thing I said to him was "Good Morning my Love!, Today is a beautiful day. How many cars are you going to collect?" Then, instead of one hour of good behavior, it became two. And so on... It went so well I had left over cars! I pull one out every now and again to reward him for just being a good boy. He loves it! Does he still hit? Sure, sometimes, he is a boy with older siblings, it is normal, as long as it he is not going crazy beating on anyone.

Keep it in perspective. REDIRECT as often as you can. Gentle reminders of expected behaviors and POSITIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT can be great tools! It just takes the commitment from YOU!

Good luck!