Help with Visitation Behavior

You need to talk to her dad. If he is not helping with the discipline while she is at his house then you won't be able to do it alone. Talk to him in a positive way so that you are not putting down his girlfriend or he will just shut you out.

Good luck!

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old and when I switched from one household to the other I always had misbehavior issues and got in trouble. It didn't have anything to do with picking up bad behavior from my sibs in the different households or lack of discipline. At the time, I couldn't really explain it or completely understand why I misbehaved, but it was definitely due to discomfort and anxiety about the two-household situation in general. I don't know if that is a factor in you daughter's behavior, but I just wanted to put this out there as something to consider.

K.,
You are just going to have to "stick to your guns"! Your daughter is going to keep testing you, because she is confused...I can get away with it at Dad's, but not at Mom's house?
You are going to have to make it very clear to her what YOU expect as GOOD behavior at YOUR house...continue to apply your rules and consequences consistently. It it going to take a while (usually 6-8 weeks) to get back to a more acceptable response.
You're going to get very tired of repeating yourself, but it will be worth it in the long run!
GOOD LUCK!

W.

Hi K.,

I totally understand what you are talking about. Just be sure that you are consistant with her though. Don't give in eventhough it is hard at time. Make sure that she understands no is no. Just tell her that going to dady like going on a vacation but, home there are rule that she needs to follow and you are her mom. It is much easy to say than done beleive me, I have been there. Just hang in there things will get better if she knows that she can't play game with you. I hope this help.

Hi K.: Is Dad's girlfriend and kids live in? Is this new? If so your daughter may be angry and frustrated at having to share her Dad. It must be very hard for her to get to only visit her Dad while other unrelated kids get to live with him and spend so much time with him. Could she have one on one time with her Dad so she feels special and that he is HER Dad? If you are on good terms with him maybe he would listen and try to make it better for her. Good luck!

I am married with two small kids, but I grew up with divorced parents from the age of about two. I want to start by saying that other than my own experiences, I have no special training or knowledge in this area, but mostly I'm writing to offer you support. This is a really hard situation for you and your daughter, and depending on her maturity level, she may not really understand what is happening. However, as the mother of a 3.5 year old girl, I can tell you that pushing the limits of authority is totally age appropriate. I too have a hard time when my buttons get pushed to the limit with her, but I really try to remember the things I've learned that work. Here they are:

1. Try not to pick on all the small stuff she does that you don't like and to over comment when she's doing something you do like. You're sitting in your chair, you didn't make a face at me, I noticed you did XYZ without my having to ask you to. Sounds silly, but it does fill them up with positive attention, which is really what they want ultimately.
2. Be consistant with the rules and conduct of your house. You can't control what happens at her Dad's house, but you do control what happens at your house. She's smart, and she will test you on this for a long time, but if you are consisitant, she will quickly learn what is the proper way to behave in your presence. I know you don't believe it now, but in the long run, she will thank you for having set some boundaries. It helps her feel safe and loved. I know you don't like to always be the "bad guy", but you have to keep the limits constant.
3. Breathe!

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

L.

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Dear K.,

It looks to me like you have 2 issues - the split family and the fact that your daughter is 4.

I don't think this is a behavior problem as much as a "divorced family" problem. Your daughter is acting out because her parents are not together and because she has to share her father with another woman and other kids. In addition, your daughter is also 4 years old and that's the age where they start acting up to assert their independence and to see what they can get away with. (My son is 5 - I just went through this).

My parents divorced when I was 18 and both my parents got together with their current spouses when I was 19 (I am now 45). I acted just like your daughter. I was annoyed that my family wasn't together and I was mean and spiteful and rude because I wasn't going to let these new people become part of my family. I fought with my stepfather for a good 10 years before we came to really like each other. Also, because I was 18, everyone assumed I would just be ok with the divorce and my parents remarrying - but I wasn't. I think your daughter may have some of the same issues and feelings but because she is 4, she can only express these feelings with bad behavior.

That being said, I agree that you have to curb her bad behavior. If time outs don't work try taking away a favorite priviledge or using a "good behaviour" sticker chart to keep her on track. My husband and I are together and we have very different discipline styles so you can't fault your ex too much for the way he disciplines.

However, I think your daughter could use some family counseling so she can learn to express her feelings about having this split family and hopefully she will learn to express her anger and frustration without being rude or disrespectful.

I hope this helps.

L.

Unfortunately, society tends to not only permit but even glorify rudeness. (Think of TV shows, movies, music... how many times is the main, or at least most interesting character, someone you wouldn't be able to stand in real life?) Children tend to assume that if a behavior is permitted somewhere, it will be welcomed anywhere. You'll have to be extremely consistent with calling her on the rudeness every single time. Make her apologize, to you or anyone else, when she's rude, and make sure she knows that in your family, it's just unacceptable behavior. She'll complain and carry on, but it won't be forever! My now adult children (I still have 2 at home) finally figured out most courtesy behavioral issues, which gives me hope when I deal with the younger kids. :)

K. instead of discipline your daughter the first time she comes home and does something you don't approve of sit down with her and tell her that some children are allowed to do thing that are not acceptable but you love her very much and want her to grow up to be a very responsible person so that is why you have rules in your home and as long as she lives with you these rules are to be followed. Then everytime she disobeys remind her that the rules are made for her benefite and her behavior will not be acceptable in your house without punishment, this way she will know that she is responsible for her behavior and any punishment she receives is because her behavior is unacceptable. Children are very smart at an early age and she knows she is pushing you to accept their rules , good luck and enpoy her while you can, sometimes children misbehave for attention so sing to her when you are dressing her or take time to read a book and let her know she is special, A. K

K.,

I am responding because my 3 older children were from a previous marriage and I went through a very similar situation x3.

From my experience you need to be loving and consistent. Even my friends started recognizing their different behavior when they were dropped off from their dad's. They were almost out of control at this time when they were very well behaved and loving at the other time with me. The best thing I did was recognize that this was a difficult time for them and I gave them extra love, patience and no stress on time (having to be somewhere too soon). Talking with their father and stepmother actually only made it worse because he would try to drop them off in a worse composure than before, knowing that would make things difficult for me. If you have an ex that would not do this, consider yourself very lucky.

Be firm about rules and make sure that your daughter understands the differences between dad and mom's home. Bring up the positives about having two homes (2 birthdays, 2 Christmas's...) but there are also some things that are harder.

If things continue to get worse know that you can take your ex-husband into mediation through the family court and request that time is limited with the other children when she is with her dad. If you are told about any major problems that occur while she is there, make sure you document it in a journal so that you can keep track of what your issues are. Believe me if needed down the road you will not remember the majority of these things when in mediation or in court.

Make sure that your daughter knows that it is her behavior that needs to be worked on not her as a person. You love her, just not her bad behavior. Remember this situation is for the long haul (until your daughter is 18) and you don't want your daughter to feel like a pawn.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

What a tough situation to be in! But congrats to you for giving your daughter the structure and guidance she needs. This is a tough age anyway, but your ex's lack of discipline is certainly not going to help matters. The best thing you can do is just stay the course with your own discipline. It sounds like you've got your head on straight when it comes to encouraging communication and good behavior and taking the time to connect with your daughter. She's experimenting right now. She wants to see what will happen if she behaves the way she sees those other kids behaving. Continue to be firm but gentle with rules and consequences. She will realize that bad behavior will get her nowhere with you and she will eventually stop. As she gets older, she'll also see how unpleasant it is to be with undisciplined children and this will give her further incentive to be the kind, respectful person you are raising her to be. Try not to bad-mouth the other kids or their mother in front of your daughter. Instead, speak pointedly and honestly with your daughter about how sad you are that no one in that house is being treated with the respect that they deserve. Help your daughter see their family dynamic from your point of view. Maybe she'll even wind up teaching those kids a thing or two!

Good luck!

Hi K.,

I know it's tricky being a divorced mom, especially when there is some shared custody. I'm a divorced mom to my two kids (now teenagers) and I'm also a divorce recovery coach for moms. I'm familiar both personally and professionally with what you are describing!

Here's some tips that have helped me and many of my clients (all divorced moms). I hope they can help you too:

1. Remember that children adjust to divorce at their own pace and it's often different than what our's is (ours being the moms and dads). Living a divorced life is complex, especially for young children. Their recovery tends to be more sporatic and less linear than ours. Even with the very best parents and best situations, children often struggle longer with all the complexities of divorce. Understanding that her acting out may be more out of her adjustment than trying to test you might be helpful right now.

2. Keeping your household calm, clear and consistent (which it sounds like you are doing already) is critical. Children of divorce need at least one 'safe port in the storm' where they can try to understand all the changes, etc. AND, as you are experiencing, it's often the more stable home that children will act out in more often (because they feel safe and loved). So, yes, keep your boundaries with your daughter, but also recognize that she's probably doing it more with you than her dad simply because she feels secure with you.

3. Transition time (especially with young children) is very challenging with divorce. If you notice her behaviors cropping up more during transition times, that's a great clue! Use this time to help her transistion and to re-adjust to your standards & expectations. Slow down and don't have too many activities planned. She needs time to adjust between homes. The 'less is more' principle is so true with children of divorce! Set a calm and quiet tone to your house when she arrives (no loud tv or noise; beautiful calming music on; orderly and clean (to a point!), etc.). Also, setting out art supplies so that she can just go and play quietly and draw or paint often gives children a beautiful outlet for all the stress they feel. Just put it out there and let her do it if she feels inspired. Many of my clients find that this works really well for young kids.

4. Last but certainly NOT least, take really great care of yourself! Most divorced moms put themselves last on the list -or wait for a big crisis to give themselves permission to treat themselves well. Don't fall into that trap! You are doing the work of two people, in an emotionally challenging situation, so you come first! As you take better care of yourself, you'll have much more patience, mental clarity and creative solutions to your challenges. Make your self care a part of your everyday life in simple ways: listen to music you love; eat foods that fuel you and make your body feel good; laugh with a good friend; go to bed a half hour earlier; drink more water; etc. You'll be amazed at what consistent self care will do for you as a divorced mom!

I hope some of these tips were helpful K.. Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring and loving mom! If you are interested in getting more support, please take a look at my site: www.SoloMama.com, and be sure to sign up for my free montly ezine, Solo Mama Solutions.
Take good care,
J. R.

It would be helpful if you could get her father on board, but the bottom line should be that when she has this behavior at your house that you let her know that that is not allowed at 'Mommy's" house.

It can be quite confusing when a child exhibits behavior at one place and no fuss is made and then exhibits it at another and a big deal is made.

I'm going through the same thing since my daughter's dad and I split and we share joint custody. I spoke with a child psychologist who told me to let my daughter know that she couldn't do certain things at my house (like jump up and down on the couch, talk back and throw things).

Hi K.,

Remember that children try out behaviors that they see others engaged in. You can talk to your daughter while you are doing something enjoyable such as reading while she is not engaged in this negative behavior. You can tell her that some Moms and Dads let their children behave differently than you want her to. Get a mirror and show her the faces you see her making, mimic the rude remarks and tell her it bothers you to see her act like that. You don't talk to her like that and don't want her to act talk like that to you or anyone else. Be patient and be prepared to tell her this many times!! Talk to her Dad about what is bothering you and see if he is willing to spend special time just with her. If not, be clear with her about your expectations and gently remind her if she lapses into this unwanted behavior that just because some people do it doesn't mean it is OK. If you continue to model respect she will get past this phase. This will not be the last time she models unwanted behavior.

she's 4 and influenced by bad behaviour, and only doing what she sees at her dad's

while you have no control over what goes on there, you do at home.

first of all: no yelling when she talks back, has a sour face or rude remarks, turn away from her, take her hand and put her in her room with instructions that she can be rude, sour faced or bad additude for as long as she wants to, but she must do so in her own room with the door shut

when she decideds to 'be nice' she can come out,

make no mention of her behaviour to her, and start talking to her as if nothing had happened. when she starts up again, say nothing, lead her back to her room and shut the door

it won't take too long before she realizes it isn't fun to be 'not nice' alone in her room

I did that to my 4 year old and it wasn't long be fore she was shouting (quite angrily at me) I love you and the bad additude soon disappeared

she is spreading her wings and you need to set limits you can control

You and her father need to be on the same page. If he feels that she acts apropriately around him, then you need to deal with her actions with you. Seperate the problem of how his girlfriend raises her kids and how you will raise yours.

If he does not agree with you, then be firm and indicate to her that there are different expectaions (rules) at mommy and daddy's house. Having seperate households for her will make it difficult for her. She will compare and favor one parent over the other. But at this age, that always happens. I truly belive that the parent that sets the limits provides the tools for her to mature in the long run. Know that it is your job as a single mom to raise her as a confident and well-rounded individual.

In addition, give her alternatives to respond to such remarks and rude behavior. Tell her what you expect and how to express that to her step-siblings. Just because she is 4 doesn't mean that she has to do or say like the older kids. Give her the tools to be the mature person in the family. Empower her to make the right decisions on how to behave.

Hope this helps.

Hi! I can understand where your coming from , every time my daughter went to visit her father it took two weeks to get her back to the routine that she and I had at our home and then it would start all over again. Your doing good teaching her her independence just reinforce in her that there are things that you do at your home with her and there will be things he does at his with her that stay in their relationship, I know its hard because your child is young and does not understand all your feelings but they understand more then you think. Stick to your guns, your doing great and remember this too shall pass ,just like labor pains. God bless.

Dear K.,

You need to deal with your own daughter in your own way, and stay out of the mess at her father's house. If you are there when 'stuff' starts happening at the Dad's house, then step in just like you would at home. They will get the message. You don't have to start WW III.

Be open and honest, and clamp down on the rudeness at home, do it right away, give no chances. Lots of 4 year old girls act just like you described, and they have to be carefully taught not to do that.

As I always say, she is going to grow up to influence your grand and gr grand children's lives, so get her started in the right direction. The more she acts disrespectful, the more disrespectful she will feel about herself.

She needs to spend some time crying when she can't get her own way, or try to be rude at home, or anywhere. Crying never hurt anyone, especially naughty little ones.

For a while my gr grandchildren were living in a smallish trailer with their mom and dad. When they didn't like the rules and cried they had to go to their own bed and cry until they were finished. It worked out pretty well even in those difficult conditions.

C. N.