Help with Teenage Step-son

I think that if he lives with you then your the boss and being a "mom" for him does not mean you are taking his mom's place. maybe what he needs is a MOM. someone who loves him and who will take care of him. someone who he can come to with anything. I'm guessing you are that type of person and his mom is not and you feel that he does not want you to be but I KNOW that's not true. teen years are hard but there easier if you have someone there to talk with. if you having problems it's probably his hormones. I think it's about time that you step up to the plate and be this boy's mom. if his real mom is'nt there much then he practacly does not have a mom unless you do it. he will push you away and he'll tell you he hates you but later when he grows up he'll know that you were the one always there and he'll love and respect you for it. Just be understanding with him and give him space.

another thing I disagree with the other response about sitting down all three of you. he might rebel thinking your ganging up on him. kids want friends instead of parents but they need parents instead of friends. talk with him seperatly if nessasary. spend more time with him so that he does not get mixed up in the wrong crowds at school. make a family night with you and another family night with dad then another one with everyone. that way he'll have his time occupied and he wont get into trubble. in fact i think if he does not have alot of chores ou should start that also maybe a date night for you and hubby and he can watch the baby. trust him because he needs responsibilty now. also if old enough encurage him to get a job because that will take up time too.

How old is your son? I have two teenage stepsons, 17 and 14. Unfortuntely, at this age, attitude is simply par for the course. Unfortunately, we as step moms seem to get the short end of that stick more often than not. However, how my hubby and I handle this issue is by presenting a solid, united front. First, my husband has had to make it as plain as sun shines that he WILL NOT tolerate any kind of rude attitude or disrespect directed towards me. Interestingly, he approached it not as father to son, but rather as "man to man" i.e. by explaining that he doesn't allow other people to speak discourteously to me and he certainly isn't going allow either of them to do it. Two, I have had to "get tough" and stand up for myself as well. "You do not get to speak to me that way. That is not ok, not at all." or "Excuse me? I suggest you watch your tone/language, kid." have both been uttered by me to them a time or two. I DO expect an apology for rudeness, as I would were I in the wrong, and make no bones about it, either. I have had to tell them that I don't allow other ppl to speak to me discourtesously and will not tolerate it from them, in my own home. Both, at different times, have pushed it, and both have had to deal with the consequences of their actions... taking away of certain privleges, being grounded from computer games, X-Box, phone... even just plain old fashioned grounding. And my husband and I have agreed on appropriate punishments ahead of time, so that there is no confusion, and I don't have to wait for him to get home to deal with "his" kids. Initially, there were more little snotty comments, general attitude, and snide or sarcastic remarks than not, but I found that being consistent with my expectations of civility from them really wins out more than the bad attitudes. Also, you can't be afraid of making him angry, and you can't be afraid that he won't "like" you. Once I got over that, I found it was much easier to assert myself. There is already a certain "stigma" attatched to step-parents, and I didn't want to be cast as the "mean" step-mom... but I didn't want to be treated disrespectfully, either. It IS a delicate balancing act, and not an easy one, either. Lastly, and perhaps the hardest to accept, is that from time to time your husband WILL be the cartlidge between you and your stepson, no matter how well intentioned or how readily you handle his attitude. That, I think, is just how it goes sometimes. And keep in mind that teenagers are fundamentally self-centered beings, that if it isn't right in front of their noses, they tend to be blind sometimes. Big bodies, but still developing brains. They don't see all the "behind-the-scenes" action that takes place to get them where they need to be when they need to be there, intact and equipped with the right tools. Of course, this is just my opinion, and this is what worked (is working) for me. I didn't quite mean to make this response so lengthy (are you still awake?? haha) but I hope that something in it is actually helpful. Hang in there!
Peace :)

hey T.
its very difficult to deal with teens , i know from expierance of my own kids i have 3 in there 20's now but my son was my problem . i found when he hit 12 and 13 it got worse with my girls too. i found a lot of prayer on my part and just trying to be there but no preasure worked the best . just be there for him when he needs it . i think he'll come around when he sees you not trying to take the place or out do his biological mom. some kids just need time . my son in paticular was that way. my husband now isnt his biological dad and he was pretty bent out of shap for a while but now there best buds infact my son is getting married and he asked my husband to be one of his grooms men :) and calls him dad with no problem. hang in there and just be there for him as much as possible and pray that his little heart will soften.

in christ S.

I agree with Anna. Building a co-operative relationship with your son with your husbands support is what will help most. Behaving as if you are the boss will not work. Having a meeting that outlines the rules and lists the consequences is behaving as if you are the boss. You need to know that you are the boss without having to convince anyone else of that fact. Once you have that confidence have a meeting with all three of you and together work out the rules and consequences. Some rules you cannot negotiate but others you can allow him to help make.

I also know that attitude comes with the teen years. This is a difficult time for all of you. All of you; including your step-son. If you can acknowledge his feelings but at the same time enforce the rules calmly and impersonally you will have an easier time. It is important for your son to know that his father supports you 100%. I think a conversation between just the two of them will help him realize that. But it is up to your son to accept both you and his father's support of you. That may take awhile and it will take some of the pressure off of all of you if you can accept that he may not accept you but you are still the mother who has the authority to set boundaries and enforce them. If you can show more love and less judgement it will help. This means giving much more praise than criticism. And remaining as calm as possible, not taking his attitude personally. That is extremely difficult, I know!

This may not be significant but I noticed that your described yourself as being a ....mother of a daughter. And then mentioned your marriage. Your step-son doesn't seem to be a part of your image of yourself. If you could think of him as your son, someone who has two mothers, that might help.

I speak from the experience of being an adoptive mother of a daughter who was still involved with her birth mother for the first few years of our lives together because the adoption didn't take place right away. And my daughter was a ward of the court and so I didn't have full control of any of the decisions that affected her or our relationship. I feltlike a "second fiddle." And my daughter could realisticly feel and say that I wasn't "the boss" of her. That really complicated our relationship as long as I felt that way too.

What helps is to build a mother/son relationship. One thing that helped us is that I was Mom M. and her birth mother was Mom Michelle. She has 2 mothers just as your son does. Even tho you haven't legally adopted him you are his mother who came along later.

The teen years are difficult. You are in a situation which makes them even more difficult. I wish you all the best as you work it out.

Well as a child that grew up with a step mom, it never mattered what she did, I would always hold my "real" mom in the highest reguard, eventhough she walked out on me when I was six. Now as a parent to 3 step children, I see things from my step mom's eyes. I feel like they live with me, I take care of them all the time, I go out of my way for them in every situation, and yet still I'm the bad guy. (They're "real" mom has passed away about 3 years ago.) I think it definately helps if you and your husband set some definate rules and consequences. My favorite is writing sentances. I think of the most boring, long, big worded sentence I can think of that goes along with the problem. For instance, going to bed when told, or leaving lights on and so on. They hate it cause it wastes their time that they could be doing something else, and I think subconsciencely (spelling?) they will hear it as they write it and maybe it will sink in eventually. I also think it's really important for dad to set him down and have a good mature talking to about being respectful, which at this age is completely impossible for the child to understand, but as long as the kid knows he can't get away with this behaviour, and dad and you are willing to punish if he does, that might help him think before acting. Bottom line, it's the parents house. The parents pay the bills, adn make sure he's taken care of. IF he can't respect you enough, then remember the law only says you have to provide food, shelter, and clothing. It doesn't have to be the best, it just has to be. Maybe a good trip to the Goodwill and he will start to appreciate all you do for him. Maybe removing all his belongings from his room that you provided will help him see just who does do so much for him. Sorry to rant and rave, but it's a sensative issue for me as well. Good luck.

When I was 4 my mom got a divorce from my dad. When I was 6 she started seeing someone who became my step-dad when I was ten. Me and him were really close. We would goof around and I could tell him anything. But when I turned 13 I started to really wonder about my real father. I became angry when I found out he lived 3 to 4 hours from me instead of another state like I had thought. I started to resent my step-dad and blamed him for not having my birth father in my life. This went on for a solid year with us growing more distant from each other until finally my mom sent me to a psychiatrist. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger. I saw my psychiatrist for a whole year and she helped a lot. All i'm saying is that if he doesn't want to share what's bothering him he won't. Sometimes it's easier to have an indifferent third party whom the individual doesn't know just to make a difference.

Wow, our situations are scarily similar. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary this last week. When we met, he had custody of his daughter, who is now 13. This last Spring, I legally adopted her, which has helped immensely with issues related to her bio mother. We have a 2 year old together. I have had my fair share of problems with her, so I can relate. My husband had to witness some of the attitude himself before he was able to understand what I was talking about. Remember that he is always going to have loyalties to his son, because he is his. The important thing is for you two to have a united front with his son. You need to sit down with your husband alone and let him know how important it is that he backs you up, whether he agrees with you or not. If you feel that his son is being disrespectful to you, call him on it, right then and there, but make sure that your husband knows that this is what you are going to be doing so that he will back you up and not be surprised....good luck.....it is a hard battle, and 13 is not a fun age at all.

How old is the step-son? Teenagers are just a pain for the most part. It ,ay not be because your are his step mom it may be just his age. I would sit down with your husband and discuss how you are going to handle him. then the three of you sit down together and the parents come together and lay down the law with him. A united front is good. I hope you can figure it out.
Good luck