HELP! With My Stubborn 2 Yr Old's Screaming!

Easy! Don't give in to her when she exhibits those behaviors. Just do not. It may take awhile, but she will get the message if you explain to her that screaming and crying is not acceptable behavior and she will never get what she wants when she does those things.

Well, the first thing to do is to NEVER give her what she wants for that behavior. Never. Kids are incredibly smart (way smarter than most people give them credit for!) and she will learn that this tactic doesn't work IF you stick to your guns and not give in even one time.

Secondly, run and get the book "You Can't Make Me (but I can be pursuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius at how to effectively communicate with strong willed children. Her book completely changed mine and my daughter's (2 1/2 at the time) relationship. I cannot recommend it highly enough. My daughter is now 4 and a sheer delight because I know how to effectively communicate with her so that we BOTH get what we want.

Sounds like you have a little leader on your hands. Help her start to get control of all that energy and intellect so she can use it to her advantage instead of her detriment.

Best of luck to you and your precious little girl!

Hi R., My dd used to do this too at about the same age. One day my dh got sick of it and told her to "go to her room." To our surprise, she went! And she quieted down. Now whenever she starts up with a tantrum or anything, right away I tell her to go to her room and sit on her bed. She is told that when she stops crying or feels better she can come back down. She's almost 4 now. It works really well. She might keep crying in her room for a little while, but it's pretty short lived and at least she isn't disturbing the whole house.

Even when our kids can communicate like little adults, they can have a tough time identifying their own feelings and how to deal with them. Unfortunately, feelings like angry, sad, mad, frustrated don't just come naturally to toddlers.

Tantrums in my experience always have root causes...like my son wanted something he couldn't reach, I took something he was playing with, or he was hungry. Even when they have the words it's tough to put the WHOLE thought together with the RIGHT words.

At this stage, I try to use my own words when my son gets upset about something to engage him in identifying his own feelings and putting words to them.

Just yesterday he was using a toy to pinch his Grandpa, we asked him not to and after three times I explained his toy was going to be put away for ten minutes and to apologize to Grandpa. He was having fun, so it didn't make sense that his toy was being taken away, and therefore a tantrum ensued with 'Mommy you're mean tears'. I sat down, and while he stood next to me and said very loudly 'no, Mommy, my toy' I explained to him in my calmest tone what he was feeling (frustrated) was okay and that he was allowed to be frustrated with Mommy, but it's not okay to use his toys in a way that might hurt somebody else. We've gotten to the point where I've staved off the screaming and crying of olden days, and he'll sit and listen to me talk about what's going on.

Your little one may just need a smidge of guidance to identify her feelings and help on how to work through her moments of extreme frustration. It took us a good few weeks of consistency to get through the tantrum phase and reach a good point of communication and using our words.

I follow a lot of the advice from the link below...but, really it's about finding what works best for you and going with that. I've tried a lot of other methods, but talking to my little dude seems to work best for us and of course putting his toys/stuff in timeout (10 minutes) works better for us then having him sit for 2 minutes.

You guys will find your rhytmn and work it out...just relax and give yourself a break. It's tough...it just takes time.

Good Luck.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp

When I do daycare and I have this problem I hold the child tightly in my arms until it stops. Wrap her arms around her so she can't struggle with them and put her legs between yours. You need to find a position that contains her so she cannot hurt you or herself. This works quite well when you have the patience to do it. This is an occasional daycare thing for a group that I am a part of and I have found the child returns to me the next time for the comfort and patient way I held them although they don't feel the need to continue crying. Hope this helps. I also took care of my godson while his mom was deployed and that was more of a battle of wills. Patience rules the day, he sat in his chair and I kept control until my will won over. A strong willed child is mostly angered by spanking (although I have not hesitated to use that when appropriate) so patient strength is the way to go I feel.

(*Adding this: sorry to ramble but I forgot something: when my girl was a little older, we taught her that, like adults, we ALL get grumpy and want to yell. Fine. BUT, she can go in her room and yell it out all she wants... this is her "safe" zone. It's okay. THEN when she feels better, she can come out and we can talk about it if need be. BUT that although it's okay to get grumpy, like adults, we should TRY OUR BEST not to take it out on others... this is "not" okay...we are a "TEAM" and should try to be so. THIS approach helped our daughter, and at the same time, it didn't get her all pent up when she felt like screaming.)

Okay besides the typical "this is the terrible 2's" ordeal... well, if she is this "stubborn" as you say....just try NOT responding to her... or, respond to her in a "whisper." Many teachers use this technique.

You state your point to her....then, walk away. Do not escalate your voice... keep it low. Make eye contact with her, say "no" or whatever it is you need to tell her. Keep it succinct and plain, without being too "wordy", and then walk away. KEEP doing this. It WILL be repetitious, but that is how it is.

Or, tell her "Mommy's ears don't work when you yell...."

Also, sometimes they do this because they need more attention. Or, because they are frustrated. Or because as is with development...and their age... they simply do NOT know how to communicate yet... civilly. And also as Deanna Leigh mentioned... I, from a young age, ALWAYS taught my kids about "feelings" and the words for it, and that is it OKAY to talk and express themselves. This in the long run, will help them to be much more "aware" of themselves. My girl, from such a young age, is very aware of her feelings now, and of others. It is a good thing to teach them.

It WILL continue... and actually, the 3 year old phase is harder than at 2. The "tantrum" phase actually does not stop at 2 years old... it continues up until about 5-6 years old, then it will segue into other things and manifestations.

But yes, they at this age, need to learn "boundaries." So, even though you may feel like a broken record... just keep at it. As long as your methods are age-appropriate and not hostile toward them.

Lots of times, they are just testing you too... and they are trying to be more independent and have their own sort of "control" over the world.

No, sorry, it will NOT stop. This is the nature of a child... ANY child. But, when she tantrums, simply do not give her what she wants. AND, you will have to bear with it... because once you tell her "no" the child WILL have a melt-down...but if you keep to your stance.... it WILL deflate. THEN, when she deflates... THEN talk to her... calmly and with "cause and effect" examples and praise (for when she is trying).

For when she IS TRYING HER BEST (even if it is "not" as PERFECT as "you" may want her to be), give her praise. A child cannot be perfect.. .and sometimes, just this feeling of "having to be" perfect, will frustrate them and throw them into a tizzy. My daughter was this way... so we had to HELP her understand that we love her no matter what, and that we don't expect "perfection", but just trying her best. THEN it became "attainable" for her.

No matter what you try... it HAS TO BE 'ATTAINABLE' for the child. Or, they will always "feel" and be, disappointed. So then they won't "try" at all.

When my kids went through this, and per their age, I simply said "no, stop it..." and then kept my eye contact on them, made sure they look at me... and then that's it. Then, they will normally scream or tantrum because I told them to stop or took away an object.. .but so be it. But within 2 minutes, they ON THEIR OWN, would deflate and stop their tantrum... because they knew I made my point and that is it. I did not give in.

It's hard and usually irritating to have the tantrum thing going on... but well, they are just a child. It'll happen at all ages. Not just now. AND, children this age DO NOT HAVE IMPULSE control, yet. FULL impulse control does not "develop" until about 3+ years old. So, a parent will be repeating and repeating and repeating the same thing over and over. A child takes their WHOLE childhood to get it right... and to learn.

But yes, teach her "boundaries." That is what we are there for... and giving her comfort too. I say this because with my daughter... when she is needing more of "me" she sometimes gets very moody and cantankerous... and yells. So, I do the usual verbal routine with her... then if that does not work... I go up to her, hug her, carry her into my lap and wrap my arms around her... and just stay silent and have a "moment" with her... and within seconds, her body will "melt" and be less tense, and she will deflate. And she will just cuddle me and she will feel better. A child just gets frustrated and they dont' always know "why." So keep that in mind too... many times, they don't even KNOW why they are yelling... and just cuddling them can help.

Just see what makes your girl tick... and gauge her.

All the best, I know, it's not easy... I just had a battle with my kids yesterday! Phew!

Good luck,
Susan

You've probably tried this, but just pretend you can't understand her (sincerely). If she carries on, just walk away. It's no fun screaming when there is no audience! I do this with my son when he whines and it seems to work. You could also tell her you understand she is upset, which is OK, but if she needs to scream she needs to do it in her room, cause it hurts your ears. She can come out when she is done.

When my kids whined I just told them I couldn't understand them. It works for the screaming too. Tell her you'll listen when you can understand her. Good luck.

I would tell her you cannot hear screaming and try to ignore her. You could also get the book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. He would have you talk back like a toddler so your daughter will understand that you understand what you mean.

HI,

It is very simple. NEVER EVER EVER give her what she wants when she does it. Reward her when she acts appropriately. Walk away from her and ignore the behavior. I had a very stubborn 2-3 yr old. No kidding 45 minutes to 4 hour temper tamtrums. Ear piercing screeam. She would yell "please don't hurt me again mommie" when I never did, she was just clever and smart.

I had to remove her from stores. Put her in the car and stand outside while she carried on in the car. Eventually she learned how to get what she wants, she is now turning 18 and is a very excellent negotiator. She now knows how to ask and she usually gets what she wants from others. Teachers bend over backwards, her dad, brothers, all respond to her wit and charm, no tantrums anymore.

I will tell you that this is hard work. That you will feel bad and like a rotten mom, But remember you are not in the "parenting game" to be popular. You have to be the bad huy sometimes. It will pay off in the end.

Good Luck!!! L.

Got to video tape that - save it for prom night...try pointing and laughing, then say "oh, my daughter should she you - where are you _____?" and look for her somewhere else in the house. End at her room (usually she will be following you saying here I am mommy) and say that "that" little girl is not invited to come to your house anymore.

My best advice is to ignore the bad behavior and don't give in to her demands. She is looking for attention in a big way, and she needs to know this is not the way to get it. My older daughter pulled this stunt and drove me crazy. She eventually grew out of it and turned out to be a lovely young woman. Good luck!

For my older daughter (b/c it does not seem to end as a toddler)I send her to her room until she can come out and talk, or at least until she can stop screaming. For my son (2) I do not give in to him. He too is an avid talker and so when he is screaming I look at him and tell him we will talk when he is done screaming. If he continues I look at him and ask " are you done?" and most the time he will stop to say yes answer me and then I go from there to ask him to "talk" to me instead of screaming. If the problem is in the middle of the night that will take some time and consistency. I would go in and check on her and tell he you will come in when she stops screaming. And go back and forth until she can communicate calmly or settle down and sleep. This is not an easy one to fix. It might take some sleepless nights. Just a suggestion. Hope this helps. It can be so tough to know what to do!