Help with 9-Year-old Picky Eater Who Is a Newly Acquired Step-daughter

Adele, you know, I heard a great message from Dr. Phil the other day....as a step parent, you cannot be the one to discipline the child...it has to come from the "real" parent. I thought that meant alot! It's hard because she now has to battle for dad's attention from you...I'm afraid this is going to cause a rift for you for a little while. You need to talk to your husband and let him know you are concerned that the problem isn't just going to stop with the eating situation but progress into everyday life. As far as fixing herself something else to eat....nope....you eat what is served or you don't eat at all. And make sure dad is on the same page with you so when he says, no, it's dinner or nothing, she'll get the picture that y'all are in this together. Good luck and hope this helps!!!

I agree 100% with your opinions on children and eating. However, your husband may have feelings of guilt for his daughter's situation (I assume he's divorced, or never married her mother) and isn't using the best parenting skills/sense with regard to her. You need to get on the same page with him, and not make a battle of it with the girl, ever. That may mean doing things his way to keep the peace, as much as it grates against your intuition that there are better ways. She certainly does have bad habits already regarding food, and is certainly manipulative, but this sort of thing could build up and end your marriage. You might try reading John Rosemond, rosemond.com, or any of his books. I think your philosophy falls in line with his, and share the ideas with your husband. J.R. makes sense, and that is usually appealing to men's sense of rationale. Good luck!

Oh boy, are you in for a treat!!!

I had the same situation x3!!! What fun I had. I let the 'I don't like that' thing go for one month. When my husband wouldn't step up to the plate and do something about it, I put my foot down. First I had a talk with him and told him that this was our house and WE were to make the rules and stick with them. I told him that I would not put up with those shenanigans and told him that if he disagreed there would be no peace in our home. Then I had a talk with the girls and put my foot down there. They complained that they would tell thier mother. I told them to go ahead. Well she called me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this was my house and when her children were there they would abide by my rules. It took time but eventually worked out. Now all my stepchildren and now grandchildren love my cooking. I know she is not your daughter, but if you don't set the rules up in your house then you are the outsider and she will try to get away with everything.

Oh by the way, tell Dr. Phil that until he tries having a houseful of step children, he better not give advise he is not qualified to give in this case. Every situation is different and you have to treat it that way. Yes the 'real' parent has to disciplin but if you just let him do that, then you are nothing to that child.

I wish you luck and just pray a lot.

E.

First of all, the food may not be the issue. The issue may be that she is asserting her independence and one way that she can do it is to refuse to eat. I would tread very lightly with this issue. You do not want to end up with a daughter with an eating disorder. Do not make food a battle. There will be plenty enough battles with a pre-teen girl without food being one of them.

My mother was a dietician and this is what she recommended to me with my biological child who was a picky eater. Cook dinner for your family. Try to include at least one food with each meal that you know your child will eat. Include in your child's diet "healthy" snacks--yogurt, fruit, cheese and crackers, peanut butter and crackers, veggies and dip, popcorn, pretzels, ice cream, etc. Do not buy unheathly snacks so that they won't be in your home. If there is a problem with your child eating unhealthy snacks instead of meals do not have the unhealthy snacks in your home. If you don't buy unhealthy snacks they won't be there to eat.

Feed your child breakfast, healthy snack, lunch, healthy snack, dinner, healthy snack at bedtime. Children's eating patterns are naturally different than adults. They require less food per meal and they need to eat more times per day. The interesting thing is that when I became a diabetic that was the way that my doctor suggested that I learn to eat--the way children naturally eat. Interesting huh?

As to making her try things. My mom suggested to me to make my children eat "one bite" of everything new and put napkins on the table and let them spit it out if they don't like it. Never make food a battleground or you will end up with a child with an eating disorder.

It sounds like you and your husband have some blended family issues to work out. You may want to consider seeing a marriage counselor and maybe a family counselor. The first place to start is a marriage counselor--work out your blended family issues with your hubby and your issues with your daughter may magically disappear. :o)

First step is to get you and Dad on the same page. I applaud you for looking at this BEFORE you DSD arrives!

I know some of this is the phase/age, but I think many of these super-picky eaters are parent created! (sorry, moms!) I know too many moms (dads) who play short order cook to their kids and I don't think it is appropriate! On the other hand, I think we ALL have likes and dislikes and I don't think we should force feed kids (too many eating issues to add another to them).

I might suggest a compromise on your and your husband's philosophies. At our house, if you don't like dinner, your choices are PB&J sandwhich or bowl of cereal (and not the supersweet kind!) - plus, where age appropriate, you fix it yourself! When I hear the 'I'm not hungry', we set the plate aside and when there is a request for a snack an hour later, then we pull out the plate. (may be harder for a 9yo) We don't have dessert every evening, but desserts are not given if you don't eat dinner.

Good luck. Sounds like your biggest hurdle is getting your husband on board!

First of all, issues like this should have been handled BEFORE the marriage!! You two should have worked getting on the same page with this wayyyy before you said I do! Now it's a done deal with a mess to handle. This child will cause a huge problem between you two if you do not show her you are a TEAM...and by the way...there is no "I" in the word TEAM! Take a stand together in love and show her what a real, healthy family does! I teach my children to be thankful for what they have to eat...period! I have been in a blended family for ten years...you and her dad need to come together on this...if you can't take a stand on this or issues like this now...what in the world will you do when BIG issues hit your marriage?

It's up to BOTH of you to set a good example for your kids!
Blessings,
Mchelle
Jer.29:11

Okay, so there's always going to be a lot fo views on what you do as a step parent. My step son is 10, I've been in his life since he was 10, is it always easy - No, is it ever easy - some days but I don't ever count on it. There's no going back and negotiating it before you got married, you're in the middle of it and it's not easy. Being a step parent is hard, there's always the chance to step on someone's toes. Never forget that she has a mom, but that this is your house. I personally don't agree with Dr. Phil's, step parent's can't discipline, now that being said, if her dad is there then he needs to be a part of it, but I am frequently the only one home for hours with our kids (including my stepson) and waiting for six hours for his dad to talk to him about something is unacceptable in my book, his dad always knows what is going on, there are no surprises, but I am not going to hide in the background, that does not teach anyone the respect me as a part of the family (sorry to go off topic a little).
On to food, when I joined this family, my stepson ate peanut butter sandwiches, kids cuisine and mac and cheese and family members would often fix dinner and then when him didn't "like" it fix something else for him. The first step, is to talk to your husband, you need to be on the same page. Our rule is the same rule you grew up with. Additionally, my stepson helps me from time to time in the kitchen, when he helps make dinner he always likes it. Third, when she's with you (we have 50/50 as well), I would make a meal plan, include mac 'n cheese with grilled chicken, one thing she likes with other stuff that's questionable. And call her on it when something she liked last week is something she doesn't like this week. It's not always easy to hear why someone doesn't really like what you fixed but it's easier than making it and no one eating. But really you and your husband need to get off the path of guilt (we've been there) and have set guidelines, ice cream when she doesn't eat the dinner provided would set me off, don't let her set you and your husband at odds, you my not be her mom but you are her stepmom and in your house that is important and strong, don't let that be undermined. Always, think of her as a bonus, I love my stepson to death and take the challenge each day.

HI Adele,

Unfortunately, I think you are correct. This is not about food. It is about control, not only of you, but of her father. She is testing him to see who is more important: you or her. I think your first step is to discuss this with your husband - does he realize he is being manipulated by a child? Is he ok with this? I would never let my child have dessert if they did not eat their meal. Real food, maybe, but certainly not junk. Being that here is another child in the house, the rules need to be the same. Explain to her (together) that you both love her the same as her sibling and therefore, the rules are the same for both of them. I think her father is trying to reassure her that she is important, he's just not going about it the right way. An adult should never give in to a child's will when they know the child is wrong. Just imagine when she becomes a teenager? She needs to know now that the rules are going to be inforced and she needs to follow them, or there will be consequences. I think the 2 bites rule is appropriate. My children are now 11 and 14 and can be picky at times. If I really feel that they did not eat enough food at dinner, I will make them some "real food" after I am finished and have cleaned up after dinner. If they are really hungry(and just trying to control me),they will not want to wait that long and will eat dinner. If they really do not like it, they will wait. One solution may be to have her help plan and prepare at least one meal a week with you. Most kids will eat it if they helped make it. It may also help the two of you build a bond and get to know each other better, aliviating the need for her to try and control everyone. This is very frustrating, but that's how kids are. Hopefully, your husband will join you as a team and it is easily fixable. Your younger child will try the same things, too. You'll have experience, then. Good luck! L.

I hate to say it, but until your husband and you talk and set the rules for your house, you are up a creek. You have to set the rules, write them down and post them. You then go over the rules with the kids and discuss them. You two have to be on the same side with the same commitment to enforcing the rules.

Your step-daughter will always go over your head to her daddy until your husband gets a backbone and tells her "NO". He doesn't want to be the bad guy, this will be esp. true if she doesn't live full time with you. If he only has her part time, he just wants it to be fun. What that means is your life will be a living nightmare of stress and arguements with him over her and food.

If she doesn't live you full time, what are the rules for eating with her mother? You don't want her to have a complex about food, but I agree with you. I don't make my boys eat something they don't like, but if it is on their plate, they have to try it. You never know when their tastes are going to change and they like it (case in point at our house, broccoli, they like it now.) And if they don't try it, no dessert or treats later.

Sit your husband down and calmly discuss the situation with him. Try not to put him on the defensive (remember, this is his baby girl you are talking about). Blended families are a blessing but require more work and compromise. Remember to be flexible.

I hope you and your husband can meet in the middle.

I know what you are dealing with my son is a pretty picky eater his is a texture thing...so not really any meat what I have notice that seems to help with him is to let him pick one of the items that we are having for dinner..be it rice or mac and cheese something that he likes. But this way he feels that he got to have a say in the matter and it makes getting him to try the other stuff a little eaiser.

As for the yelling he is hungry an hour after we eat when he was 3-4 I would just keep his plate from dinner on the counter or in the microwave and when he started that he was hungrey I would give it back to him and tell him he could just finish his dinner..that seemed to help with the refusual to eat at dinner!

Hope it helps

I had the exact same problem with my step son - but with him it was even worse! He would come to visit and tell us the THREE things he WOULD eat (one year it was pizza, hotdogs and mac and cheese). I think you are right, it is mostly about control. But part of our problem was that his mother, who he lived with most of the time, catered to him. She would fix two meals every night - one for her and his step dad, and a separate one for him. The way we handled it was, I let him pick ONE thing to add to each meal, that he would eat, and that was what he usually ate. We never let him have dessert if he didn't eat his meal, and there were times when I put the plate aside and pulled it out later when he said he was hungry. NOW - the problem you are having is that your husband is not willing to follow through with it, from the sounds of it. You also don't say if your step daughter lives with you full time or not, that would make a difference. The other thing we had to do, when we had a child of our own, was to have a talk with my stepson about not making comments during meals so that he would not influence the younger child. If he did make comments he had to leave the table and come back later and eat by himself. The good thing is, he is grown now and he is a pretty good eater (his wife cured him of his pickiness!) The main point is not to make it a major battle, just find a way to compromise whenever possible and make sure she does not influence your younger child adversly. Hang in there, this too shall pass!

My 12 y.o. step-son's a very picky eater too. When he came to live with us at age of 9, it was a challenge. Thankfully my husband was onboard with what he should eat. We've had many a night of crying and tantrums and no dinners. But, now, after 3 years, it is better. He actually ate lamb without us telling him he had to at least eat one bite! He still complains at times, but is getting more mmature. It also helps if they can help you actually make the dinner. There's a book out that helps you disguise vegetables in regular foods, but I don't know if you want to do that since she is 9 y.o.? Have you discussed this eating with your husand? This sounds like you two are not onboard with the same rules or ideas of childraising. Perhaps, you two should sit down and discuss this. There is a matter of disagreement between my husband and I on a certain topic with my step-son, that we still have not resolved. We just always end up yelling about this certain thing....otherwise, we are pretty onboard with other areas of disipline or child-rearing.

The biggest problem I see from your post is not the behavior of the child (which is normal whether your own or a step child), but the behavior of your husband. If you are going to effectively parent either of your children together, it is absolutely essential for you and your husband to present a united front with the kids. If you have not already done so, you need to discuss with your husband the problems you are encountering with meals, and together you need to come to a decision on how these things will be handled when the next family mealtime occurs. Because she is your step daughter, your husband should probably be the one to lay down the law initially with your support so that she does not look to him to "rescue" her.

Just realize that everyone encounters situations like these when it comes to child rearing. Very rarely do both parents start off on the same page when it comes to the whole range of parenting issues, even when they have talked about it before the kids come along. The important things are being united and consistent and knowing when to be flexible with what we always wanted or envisioned before we became parents.

I was in a similar situation with my step-daughter, although she is a lot younger (she is 3 now, was 2 when we had the problems). Her dad just didnt know any better that to let her eat what she wanted when she wanted. With your husband letting your step-daughter do this for so long, he has made her come to expect it. You need to talk to him about the consequences of her eating habits, and then make a plan to do something about it. And also about what Dr Phil said, I will not keep a child in my care if I cannot discipline that child, whether its my child or not. If she sees that she can walk all over you, she will. Your husband needs back you up, otherwise she will costantly be running to daddy when you try to tell her to do something. Sorry this is so long, but I have seen these things happen before. The plan you have to handle eating with your child is right in line with what we do at our house and we dont have any more problems getting our children to eat. I have always done that with my 2 girls and have never had problems getting them to eat.

This is a sticky one! First off you and your new husband need to sit down, at a stress free time to talk. You will have to put away how you where raised about eating issues. The main goal is that you and your husband show a united front to your children. You will have to come to some kind of agreement on how you will both handle this issue. Lay the ground rules now (and talk about the what if this happens, or what about this situation). If you do not show your children that you both are in agreement and are both together in the discipline then both of your children will try to divide and conquer you both. If they think that you are not together on this it will also cause sibling rivalry between them. Don't let this issue divide you two. Good luck and God Bless. B.

1st didn't read that you love his child as your own or close to it. My grandson is a bonus child who is having a very difficult time, he is 11 and can be quite irritable and moody. However, we are talking about eating. My grandson does not eat much, possibly could go all day without a bite - yes, it worries us terribly. He like your bonus child has very picky taste but hey, if he will eat, we will fix. The doc. says he is a "grazer" so allowing him to eat mini meals all day is OK as long as there are nutritious foods along with the cookies, etc. The nutrionist says that being a grazer is much healthier than eating 3 full meals a day. Anyways, I would never "force" anyone to eat something they do not want or do not like. However, I would insist that she set with the family during meal times and participate in the conversations you have and maybe she will begin to eat a little more each time as well as eat what is in front of her. Don't push it on her it just gives her the control to push it away. Don't respond to her not eating or put a dish on the table that you know she does like. Try it, it might work.

M./Nana

When my oldest son was about that age, he was also very picky. I told him that if he didn't want to eat what everyone else was eating, he would have to cook his own. And he did. He actually learned quite a bit about cooking and eventually he came around. Now he has a wife who won't tolerate picky eating, and he eats just about everything.

The other issue is that you and your husband need to present a united front. Talk with him calmly and privately about this.

You are NOT being unreasonable. People who pander to their children are sending the wrong message about life and being part of a family. I find parents who cook special meals for their children also have 5 year olds running the house. That is fine if you like living under kindergarten law. You are doing the right thing and that child is trying to control you. Ask any pediatrician and they will tell you your child will not starve. The only time I make a seperate meal for my child is if it was planned that way because we are eating soemthing really bizarre to a child like sushi.

I am the same way with how I fix our meals. You have to take two bites and if you don't like it then that is it after the two bites then you don't have to eat it. I won't cater b/c I have too many friends that do that and I can see the stress at meal time. They won't starve.

You need to sit down and talk with you hubby about this alone. Y'all need to stick together on this. Did he do this before he married you? It could be a habit that he has grown accustomed to that he just doesn't see how it is effecting everybody. Or he might be doing this b/c he doesn't want to cause any problems with his daughter since this is a new enviro for her. Either way y'all def. need to be on the same page. She will kick and scream, but once she gets used to the new routine it will go more smoothly. Plus when your 2 1/2 yr old sees her not following the same rules then he won't want to either.

Adele,

I too make my sons try everything at least by taking one bite. In my opinion she's old enough to help you cook. Try incorporating foods that you know she will eat and have her help prepare the others foods. This will give her exposure to different foods and different ways of preparing them. Most children will want to taste what "they've cooked". If you are having grilled chicken with italian dressing have her prepare the chicken by pouring the italian dressing on it and sealing it until time to cook. If you're having potatoes have her help prepare them. If you are supervising her then there should be no problems. I would also have her write down a list of vegetables she will eat, a list of fruits she will eat, and a list of meats she will eat. Then I would have her write a list of foods that are absolutely awful to her. Use those lists to plan your meals while adding new foods too. I don't know the living arrangement but I suspect that if she is with her mom some and dad some then this will be an ongoing issue. My step-brother refused to eat what my mom cooked and I have to say - my mom is one of the best cooks I know. He was a picky eater and my stepdad would not make him eat her food. When he would stay - we would have pizza and other fast-foods that he liked until he went back to his moms. We didn't like it, it made us feel like he was more special than us, which could be a problem as you son gets older. But if you have another child you will see their eating habits are different. As far as the restaurant situation. I let my son choose what he wants. If he doesn't eat, it goes home in a doggy bag. When we get home and he gets hungry - the doggy bag comes out and that is what he has to eat without exception. I do not tolerate wasting food at all. All and all I think alot of it is she wants attention from dad. It's an adjustment for everyone not just you. You are now a blended family and sometimes it takes a long time for children to adjust. She may be still trying to test her boundaries. She will eventually outgrow this so don't let her get you upset.

Adele, You and your husband must be on the same page with this or nothing will work and you'll end up being the bad guy. You and he must present a unified front. Have a sit down, private talk w/him - maybe even involve a counselor - to address how you'll go about parenting together. If you don't solve this issue now, it'll only get worse and be the beginning of several other issues where your step-daughter will play sides/pit you and your husband against each other. Kids want love. Healthy boundaries and unified parenting are the foundation of kids' feelings of self-esteem and love.

Adele,
I can only speak from the experience of having an almost 9 yo boy, who normally likes all food. However, lately he has started changing his likes and dislikes daily as well...if he doesn't like what I fix, he may choose to eat a sandwich or other food that HE preps himself with no help...usually he makes a good choice and if he does, I will not with hold dessert or other parts of the meal I have prep'd. It takes away the "power struggle" if you know what I mean. Now if he doesn't eat well or make a good choice, then of course he doesn't get the treat. If he chooses to NOT eat at the same time as the family, he does not eat until the next family (or kid) meal or snack time.

The biggest thing is you and your husband being in one accord on how to handle it...and my husband and I have found that every now and then the "good cop, bad cop" will work to get the kids to try new things or to eat those foods that they "declare" they don't like.

Good Luck and Congratulations on the marriage!

T.

Hi, I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband of seven years does the exact same thing.

Let me begin by saying, I have two step-children, one girl who is 11 y/o and a boy, who is 9 y/o. I was raised to come to the table, and eat what was offered. It could take hours to finish a meal if it was something I didn't like. My husband and I have two children together in addition to my step-children. I will cook dinner and before my step-children try it they begin saying what they can't eat and what they don't like. They eat what they want and when they say their done. I respond by saying, "Don't forget to eat your peas and carrots." My husband then starts by saying you don't make the other two eat their veggies. I explain, they eat their veggies without being told, my step-children will pout until he tells them to go on. Within 30 min I find them back at the refrigerator looking for something to eat. When I say something, my husband says if my kids are hungry they are going to eat. My husband allows them snack. I don't understand. My house is not a restaraunt. This will be our first summer with them at our house for an entire summer. I hate to look at the grocery bill.

I have been there and done that, and to answer your question we are still married, 16 years and 7 children later! 1st of all remember that she is only 9 and she is still getting use to the fact that this will be a permanant relationship with her dad. 2nd talk to your husband without her and let him know that you both have to be on the same page about the rules and then have her dad talk to her about the rules at meal time and this will help you out so much. But the talke with daddy has to come first! This too shall pass hang in there. We did the yours mine and ours. We had mine 1 step child from my previous and my three so I had 4, he had 1 and we took in 3 and adopted 1. SO as long as your are both on the same page she will adjust.
J.
Greensboro, NC

Hello, I am the mom of a 9 year old and based on what you wrote which is quite helpful, I would like to make a few suggestions. It is more important that your new daughter get to know you then what she eat! Since you likely only have her 1/2 time, you need to pick your battles and I don't recommend that food be one of them. Why don't you tell her what your planning and ask her what she wants to eat. The deal is that since she's the big girl she is now making a choice on what her options are. In fact, you might ask her to help you make it so that her piece can be made the way she wants. It also gives you the ability to bond. Our rule in our house is to at least try something (one bit) and if you don't like it you don't have to have any more. The 2nd point is that my nephew (birth child) of my sister was INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT when he was little and know he is 6"1' and eats everything! 3rd point, my daughter will eat her entire dinner at then a hour later ask for popcorn! So eating again seems normal. I try to say you can have fruit or vegtables any time your hungry and not "treats" as I am trying not to create issues about food.

My thoughts are that you need to use your time to get her to know you and trust you, so that she will have someone she can trust when she needs to talk as she gets older. Never take her side against her mom's as you will lose in the end but try to be understanding of her point of view. It is more important to have her hear you when you talk about concepts of trust, honor, integrity then have big fights about food. Your right that she is right now testing you and it is about control but if her mom allows this in her house, your just going to spend your time being the mean step mother rathar then making your time together more special.

You have a small window before she turns into an annoying teen ager. I know that I am not looking forward to it. Pick your battles and start cooking with her. Good Luck

Hope that helps.

Let me just start by saying that I have a step-daughter that I aquired full time care of when she was 10 and I know how it is. My husband is in the army and is deployed a lot. Her mother has no visitations at all.

Yours is 9 and guess what? She is set with the things she has learned already. This is the way meals have went for her all her life I'm sure. I dont believe in making kids taste or eat anything. I make small separate things for my kids that I know have tried things and do not like them. EXP: When we have tacos I have to fix a frozen pizza or macaroni and cheese for my oldest daughter. I have 4 kids all together now. When I make spaghetti I make a hot dog or chicken pattie for my son. Something small but filling so I know they are not hungry. This is for meals that I know for a fact they do not like. I do give my son different things and ask him to try it. He is 4 and his taste buds are still changing. He eats things that I dont like. He will eat fish, advacado, lemons. It works that way for all of them.

My step daughter was not used to someone cooking for her and wanted to live on Top Ramen, canned pasta, cereal, and junk food like chips and cake. That is still a work in progress. I dont buy many chips now because she can eat a whole bag in a day. She was really overweight when she got here and have since then thinned out and grew. Im sure it is because of the way her diet was. I believe in home cooked meals and she knows no junk without eating real food ever. When she can she will sneak the junk. It is the same with all the other behaviors that she has learned while living with her mother. You can make it a battle or chose another battle. We have to chose the battles that we are going to fight. My husband will sometimes comment that I am not a short order cook but he is happy that I dont force them to eat. That is how kids end up obese. If you force them when they are young then they will feel they have to eat regardless. Not a good school thought. Of course that is just my opinion.

Hi Adele,

Wow, it seems like you have already been through some difficult things in your life and probably have a lot of patience. I personally also have a picky eater of my own who is 5. He refuses to eat dinner every night and one day likes chicken and the next day not and I do the same thing with him you were taught. So I totally empathize with what you are going through. For you, it is even more difficult because you did not raise this child as a baby and go through toddler eating. Who knows why some children are picky, there are many different reasons. Your step-daughter may be having trouble with the change in family, 9 year olds can be especially funny about these things. Maybe she is just picky or likes the "game" or being able to control something in her life. On that note, you could offer her a choice of two options that you like...would you like marinated chicken tonight or stir-fry.. and then tomorrow have the other option. Or let Friday be her choice, make Wednesdays always something Italian if she likes that...maybe she could help make something fun, or pick out a new cookbook together. Then she might feel more like she made the choice and has control over what she is eating and she is old enough to be able to be a part of it and learn about healthy eating. But I totally agree that you shouldn't let her have anything she wants or ice cream afterwards if she doesn't eat(or sit and complain about it.) I completely agree with how you were raised. I think you should have a gentle discussion with your husband that you are concerned about the phase she is in right now not eating and you want her to be healthy and like lots of foods. Don't attack him of course about letting her have ice cream. He is probably trying to keep her happy and is trying to "pick his battles." Just bring it up as a concern and come up with the solution (or a compromise-she could just have to try each thing but no ice cream unless she eats at least half or something) together so that you are both doing the same thing. You don't make it too much of a battle but consistency is always best. Usually it seems to me that if the rule never changes, it works better for children too (they know what to expect) and creates less opportunity for whining. Hope that helps! Best wishes and congratulations on your blessings!!

Hi Adele, I totally understand. Being a Step anyhting.. is hard work.My husband use to have a hard time.My kids(4) would often play us against one another so we had to discuss how we where going to handle certain things. Kids are very smart they know what to do. So I would say to speak with your husband concerning this and how it makes you feel. He may not have an idea and then again he may. But if it continues that mole hill will turn into a mountain. Expalin to her that what she get's away with @ Nana's house or @ mom's house she can't get away with @ home because the rules are diffrent. But it's going to take your husband making some changes as well. You can't bring your 2 yr. old up one way and then your step daughter another way. I wish you the best. It's going to take time. But it's going to be worth it in the long run.

This is not an issue that you need to discuss and solve with your step-daughter, this is an issue you need to speak to and resolve with your husband. Of course he is going to abide by her demands and tactics. He is feeling guilty about the divorce with her mother so he feels the need to placate his daughter to make himself feel better. IF the only solution is is that HE prepares whatever his daughter wants to eat, then so be it. Let him take care of his own feelings of guilt. Be sweet to him, be sweet to her and let him fix her meals. If he wants to do that then fine, if not then he needs to lay down the law with his daughter. It will only get worse the older she gets.
Either you better get used to being second best in his life in regards to her or get out now. CERTAINLY do NOT have a child with him because at some point this may get to be too much for you to handle.

NO! You're NOT being ridiculous. If papa wants to cater to the kid, then he can be responsible for ALL the rules about her eating if he doesn't want to go by yours -- and he and she can do ALL the the preparation and clean-up of same! Don't get into their 'control' game. You are allowed to have your rules, too. You either need a united front or two separate fronts. They're not compatible and you'll just always end up looking (and feeling) like 'the bad guy' to him and the girl if both you and he keep trying to 'win'.

P.S. I actually like the response before mine better than my own, but this is a 'hot spot' with me. I've been married for 33 years and we're now 'empty-nesters' and just last night my husband and I (STILL) fought about food/eating. My mom had too many 'eating' rules (eat everything on your plate, don't get up from the table until you're through eating, etc) and his mom didn't have enough (eat however much of whatever you want -- seemingly, even if someone else does without! Now she's so heavy that she's been in a wheelchair for years). It's continually been a 'bone of contention' through raising our 4 kids. It's a wonder they don't all have eating disorders (like I did as a teenager before our country doctor had ever even heard of 'anorexia')!

I don't agree that the 'real' parent should do all the disciplining. It takes both parents as a team, and you and he really, REALLY need to get alone together and decide what your line of attack is going to CONSISTENTLY be. If you do the 'kitchen work', I'd say that's YOUR territory, and 'dad' needs to agree to let you handle the rules of the kitchen unless he wants to do the cooking and cleaning up himself. Hopefully if you can get him to read these posts (or read them to him), he'll come around (unless it makes him feel 'attacked'). This IS his daughter we're talking about, and he should have her life-long (not just immediate) interests in mind. Whatever you decide, do it ASAP and stick to it. It should only take a few meals to get it settled into a real 'plan'.

And do try to look at it from her perspective. She's been thrown into a family situation that she had NO control over, so she needs to feel that she has SOME say about something!

Also, you could have her help you make a list of what she does like and make sure that you have 1 or 2 things at each meal that she DOES like, so she can eat from the menu and not have to complain. Kids should never say, 'Yuck' about any food -- at home or elsewhere. That's rude!

Boy, did I get started, or what?!!

Fortunately, I do not have a picky eater. However, I have several friends with very choosy eaters. With one child, it seems to be a control issue. One thing I have read that I have heard has great success is to have the child help in the kitchen. It seems that children who help prepare food are more likely to eat it. That may be a better way to approach things since this is such a time of transition for your stepdaughter.

First,I think your stepdaughter is using food as a probable means to act out other emotions which she's unable to express: Maybe her way of expressing hostility, resentment, apprehension or other negative feelings over her Dad's marrying you (you don't say whether his split with her Mom was on friendly terms, or whether your s.d. has a good relationship with her; I'm assuming her Dad has primary custody of her; or this food tug-of-war simply could be a way to get attention, and to feel more power.

Since she seems to be so stubborn in her eating habits, and since her Dad gives in to her, that's sending her mixed messages that doubtlessly makes mealtimes worse. Seems like it's time you and your husband had a serious talk about her behavior and reached a conclusion agreeable to your both as to how to handle this
frustrating situation. If you haven't done so already, you might impress upon him the way your own Mom successfully handled "fussy eaters" at mealtimes. Anyway, good luck!

I agree with the other respondents -- this isn't between you and your stepdaughter -- it's between you and your husband first. Once you and he work out the ground rules of your house as regards food (and this may require some bending of the rules on your part), then that will be what he needs to present to his daughter as "these are the rules of our house and you will abide by them." I would set aside a time to talk to your husband about this (when he's not distracted by the TV or anything else, because it's obviously important to you and he needs to at least make it important to hear what you have to say), and just lay it out like you did here: "I was raised this way; that's the way I am raising my child; and it bothers me to see [daughter] waste food and use it as a wedge between us, and to see you give into her on this issue all the time. [Give a few specific examples.] What can we do to see eye to eye?"

Wow. Isn't the guilt from divorce just wonderful? (Please ignore the dripping sarcasm.)

The only way that your step daughter's control issues with food are going to go away is for her dad (and mom if she gets away with it on that end too) to stand up to her and enforce some standard rules and consequences.

I have an 8 year old, and we hold those same rules that he must try at least 3 or 4 bites to be absolutely sure that he doesn't like whatever he is trying to reject.

Anyway, food is usually something that a child will control when it feels like they have lost either control or security. I am not saying that this is what is going on, but it is a theory to look at. The only thing you can do without the support of your husband or her mother is to just be nice and try to be considerate of her "likes and dislikes." From the changes in those, I really think it is just her way of controlling the adults in her life though. I do like how you fixed what you planned for dinner and made her fix her own food when she wouldn't eat what was offered. That will at least help her to develop thsoe necessary survival skills for when she is older and should be independent.

Try talking to husband and raising these concerns with him while your step daughter is not around(out of the house completely). He should know that he should never, ever undermind you in front of a child. The reverse is also true. My mom always joked that if kids sense weakness amongst the adults, they would divide and conquer. He also needs to work with you to lay some ground rules that you can live with as well; otherwise, this will put a strain on your marriage. There has to be an arrangement that you can be ok with, even if it has him fixing all the meals while she is in the house.

Another suggestion is to get her to help you fix the meals. If it is a control issue, then that may help her out and feel that she has something to put in and some sense of balance for that need to feel in control of her life. Plus, it is a great way to form a relationship.

I hope this helps. Don't worry about the length of your question. You gave good examples and explained the issue very well. Let us know what happens, please.

I,m 64, my sons ate. My dd did not. She lived on tacos.
My solution when she became a teen and started saying she was fat, was to tell my hubby that when she said she wanted taco bell, was to take her there. I never had her become anorexic. You are very strong willed and so is she. Drop the food thing now or you will make an enemy and have a hard time. Have her make a list for you, likes and dislikes. Try to work with them when you can, when you can't or won't, give her one of her alternatives, and let her help prepare it with you. You want to form a bond, not alinaTE HER AND HUBBY. Nothing so trivial is worth this and you are the adult. Obviously your mother was ironclad too. You were willing to give in. Other children don't. I am happy to say that my dd now, at 32, eats very healthy, and some things that I don;t eat. Good luck. Loving her for who she is, is very important, and hubby will love you even more.

I think your ideas concerning children's eating is good. It seems to me that you are going to have to deal with your huusband before you can change any of your step-daughter's eating habits. Her father has allowed her to have what she wants whenever she wants it, which is not surprising under the circumstances, but your trying to make changes without his support will create struggle between you and your step-daughter and tension between you and your husband. She needs to know that the two of you are united in your approach. As far as eating out is concerned, he is the one who needs to agree that if she doesn't choose to eat, she will not eat until the next meal. There will be tears and possibly accusations of being "mean" etc., so he needs to be prepared for that, but no child is going to suffer if she misses a meal when she has the option to eat and chooses not to do so. When it comes to eating at home, there may have to be some compromise on both your parts. For example, you may have to be sure that there is something at each meal that she does "like" or at least that she has chosen to eat in the past, even when you may not think that food "goes with" the meal you have prepared. Then her father will need to decide to support you in whatever the two of you decide is reasonable concerning what she must try in order to be able to have a treat later in the evening. Yes, it seems to me that this is a ploy to retain special attention more than it is about eating. That makes giving lots of love while upholding the rules very important, as I'm sure you know. Good luck. I think this problem is very solvable, even though it may not seem that way at first. S.

I'd have to agree that part of it is probably a bit about trying to have control over something in her life. Children have very little control over anything in their lives, so it can be a comfort to try to find something with which she feels she might have some control during a time that is of great turmoil to this 9 year old. Young children do not have the emotional maturity needed to help them properly cope with such a big change.
Food is tricky. Everyone has their philosophy about food. I, personally, have never understood why someone should be made to eat something that they do not like. Imagine something you don't like and then imagine someone fixing it for you and making you eat it. Hey, I have an incredibly adventurous palate as well, but there are a few things I don't like and I have no interest in eating them. My parents were the polar opposite of yours with regards to food and I love almost everything, so there are many ways to help foster an adventurous eater. I agree with the posts that you need to discuss this issue with your husband so that you can both agree on the way to handle it so that you can present a united front to your daughter. In the meantime, how about trying to make some things that she does like? Really, this is probably a bigger transition for her than it is even for you and as I said earlier, you are an adult with much more mature coping skills than your 9 year old stepdaughter is even capable of at this point in her life. Something to keep in mind, as well, is that kids are growing in huge ways - ways that you don't grow as an adult. Their food intake will vary based on whether they are going through a growth spurt. There will be times when your step daughter actually does need to eat many mini meals and not just the three meals that adults have conditioned themselves to eat. good luck!

Adele,

You don't have a picky eater, you have a Power Struggle.

The most important thing you can do is get on the SAME PAGE as her father. IF he is unwilling to adjust the way things are & you continue to guide her & fail, she is being taught that she does not have to listen to you - ever. About anything.

Dad is taking your authority away by not supporting you.

If things dont change, all you can do is say to her, "that's fine sweetie, whatever your dad says is fine with me."

You will need to have a good long talk with him in terms of how to raise the little one.

Talk to dad, get him involved!

P : )

You cannot plan your meals around her either. It is anger, I feel, from the changes in her life. It is not her fault, nor is it yours. But she needs to work with you, try new things, and not make life so difficult for herself, or you. You are obviously trying to be accomodating, but if you let her rule now, your life may become hell. I agree with the if you dont eat what we eat, you dont eat. That was our rule, you must try the new foods. Your husband needs to back you and not give in to her. You must agree, at least in front of her, on all forms of life and discipline. If there is a difference of opinion, discuss it away from her, or she will know she can play you against each other. You have a tough road, no matter what. A teen with issues, is a tougher teen than normal. Be patient, try to be understanding, but stay firm. Do some things with her, just the two of you. Make her realize you are not the enemy and life is a lot easier if she works with it all, then trying to fight it all. Good luck to you, and God bless you all.

The eating issue is just a phase not an indication of problems to come. Continue to be careful what you say to her. It's best to let her dad handle her eating issues in whatever way he chooses.

I'm sorry that it's so incredibly annoying. I think it will always be irritating to you. He is naturally going to raising his daughter differently than your son. It will always be a double standard because of their shared history and custody situation.

In the near future she is going to be actively competing with you for his attention. My advice is to roll with it and be cool. Of course you should colaborate with her other parents to set universal boundarys but it will never be perfect.

If this is attitude you can not deal with and do not want your 2 year old to pick up, then you have to do something. That something should start with talking to your husband peacefully about it. Hopefully, he will see your side and find that this is not an acceptable behavior. Then after you bring him over to your side, you have to start instigating a new policy with your step daughter. Now this could get trickly, particularly if she also spends time with her birth mother. You may have to involve her in the transition as well. But at 9 she should still be able to be molded to at least try the stuff on her plate before pushing it away. Not sure if I have helped or not. Good luck!

Please keep in mind that this situation is new to all of you. If the mother has the child part-time you cannot expect the child to immediately adhere to your rules. You need to be patient. So what if you need to fix something she likes, it could make your relationship better in the long run. Pick your battles carefully because it could cause problems with you and her dad.

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