Help with 2 1/2 Yo and Discipline

When my 2 1/2 year old started going down that path I actually gave her more love, attention and cuddles and canned the "discipline" and it worked. Sometimes I just sat on the floor and said I think you need a hug and I just waited it all out and soon she'd come sit on my lap and cry on my shoulder and I'd tell it's ok to cry, you let it out. No more tantrums. This site was very eye opening for me http://www.awareparenting.com/solter.htm

she is acting out because she is jealous of the new baby as well as the terrible 2 thing. When she throws a tantrum just ignore her. When she is finished tell her you understand that she is upset and validate her feelings not her behavior. Give her lots of love and attention..she needs it right now. Praise her when she does well. Let her know how much you love her. We went through the same thing (and still are). My daughter is 26 mo and my son is 9 mo. When she gets very difiant etc I get out Mr. Bad spoon (a wooden cooking spoon). She does not like "him" so she usually stops the behavior as soon as I pull him out. I will say "I am going to count to 3, then Mr. Bad Spoon is coming out)..."at 2 she usually stops. The only bad thing about Mr. Bad spoon is I had to initially give her a little swat on the behind so she knew what Mr. Bad Spoon was all about. I know a lot of Mothers are going to hate me for using this method BUT NOTHING worked for us. She would put herself in the corner for time-outs, she would laugh when we tried to discipline her with authority..she thought it funny so we had to try an alternate. We never have to use the spoon. My daughter is very strong willed and sometimes when we try all the above options and they don't work, we use this. It worked...good luck..

Temper tantrums happen because her life is out of her control. Don't we as adults get upset when things don't work out the way we want? Two year olds have no control over anything, least of all a complete disruption in their routine. Not just the baby but you being home is a big change. She's going to take control where she can find it.

Ignore temper tantrums-"we will talk when you finish crying/ screaming"-as long as it takes her, then proceed as normal when she finishes. Punishing her for it doesn't really work just now because she doesn't have the ability to handle her anger/ frustration. By not giving her a response she learns that it is not the way to go, unfortunately, even negative attention is attention.

Second, you need to make those things that you need her to do a fun experience. When my son needed to clean his room I sat with him and we had throwing contests-I can still throw a toy into a small bin from about 20 feet. Picking up the living room toys was a race up the stairs or a wrestling match,I would bet him I could prevent him from putting them away, or vice versa.

If she's home with you instead of where she normally is, it may actually be a case of too much time with you and she needs someone else to spend time with. My son went through this when his dad was laid off. He loves his dad more than anything but spending all day with him at home was more than either of them could handle at first. Try having a friend or family member come over and spend time with her, help her out a little. On the flip side you will probably have more problems when you do go back to work because she will then have become accustomed to having you at home.

It's just too bad that kids don't come with instruction manuals, huh? Good luck.

I think more than anything, she needs one on one time with you and reassurance that you still love and want her.

It sounds like she is frustrated. Try to allow her some flexibility in her daily routine. Let her make choices such as what to wear and eat -- within reason. (I used to pull out, for instance, two t-shirts and ask my daughter which one she wanted, then I'd pick the pants or whatever; I would also ask her in the morning: "Would you like a waffle or some eggs for breakfast today?" She didn't have free rein and she had to pick from the choices I offered, but she still got the satisfaction of choosing.) Making small decisions is a big deal to a child your daughter's age. It gives them a sense of control over their world. Continue to be firm on rules that REALLY matter, but don't overwhelm her with too many rules. She is very young. Try to see the world from her point of view and just remember that it's tough being a kid sometimes. They get frustrated when they can't tell you exactly what they want/need, when your attention, which was once all theirs, is now divided, and they want to assert their independence in small ways. Help her to do that within the boundaries that you set.

Oh, and I love the suggestions from Deirdre about giving her little tasks to do and letting her help. I did that with my daughter too: she used to love helping put clothes in the washing machine or dryer (with a little step stool), sweeping with her own little broom, etc. And I guess kids like to make grocery lists, because my daughter did that too! Make her feel involved and important -- you'll see a huge difference.

Good luck! She'll be fine.

Developmentlay, at about age 2, children realize that they are autonomous....that they are their own person. What is commonly called "terrible twos" is really a power struggle between the parent who is used to making all the decisions and the child who wants to control ANYTHING in their own lives. The key to surviving this time is LIMITED CHOICES. Once you have stated "It's time to get dressed" and you're standing there with clothes in hand while your two year old is screaming "NO", well, you're already backed into a corner. However, if you say "Now that it's time to get dressed, would you like to choose the red shorts or the blue skirt?" Now your child is EMPOWERED and begins to learn that She does have some control over her own life and that Making choices is a fun responsibility and that you Respect her autonomy! The best part is there is nothing to rebel against.
I am not saying that it will always work, sometimes you can say "So do you want to clean up the toys in five minutes or before lunch?" or "Do you want to use a plastic shovel to pick up the toys or just your hands?" You are being clear that the toys will be cleaned up, but you are giving them some say in when or how. Stay firm and consistant, and try not to lose it, as once you lose your temper the child has won the game!

Remember that this is a difficult time for her too. She was once the focus of all your attention, and now she is sharing you with an interloper. Ask for her help, she's the big sister now, mom's big girl.

Good luck with your blessings! LL

What you are going through is pretty typical for her age and especially since she is no longer the baby in the family. Of course, you probably already know that with children, "No" has to mean always. The minute that you give in, even if it is after our child throwing an hour-long fit, it completely undermines all of the disciplinary groundwork that you have laid down up to that point and have let them know that you do have a breaking point. And trust me, children have the energy we need and don't mind noise and making a scene in public if that means that they will get what they want. So, consistency is really a vital part of nipping these kind of behaviors in the bud.

I would also like to suggest maybe coming up with a positive behavior approach to get your daughter's cooperation and enthusiastic about doing what mom tells her. Say for example, you ask her to pick up her toys and she refuses and starts screaming and fussing, instead of reacting to that, you can turn it around and make clean up a learning game instead of a chore by picking up a particular toy and labeling it like "'D' is for doll" before tossing it into the toy box. You and your daughter will take turns with labeling toys using the ABCs and before you know it the toys are picked up, your daughter is happy because she just had a chance to play with you and has practiced her ABCs. After all this, be sure to give her lots of praise, hugs and tickles for being a good helper and put a sticker or happy face on a behavior chart to show her success. Once she has earned "X" number of stickers, then she can earn a special treat, toy or outing. Keep this going for 21 days (the time it takes to make a new behavior a habit) and then fade it or start working on another targeted area of behavior that you would like to work on. Throughout this whole thing, you should be working on shaping one behavior at a time so that you are not all over the map with her and she will have a chance to develop new, solid behaviors.

Michelle Borba is the childhood behavior expert that is often on the Today Show. If you google her name and pull up her website, you can access some of her articles about childhood behavior and teaching strategies.

Wishing you the best of luck.

L.

Wellllll, it's clear to me that she's responding to a new person in the house...eh, hem...BABY! It sounds like "tough love" of ignoring her and letting her cry it out for up to an hour are NOT working. I would suggest you spending at least 5-15 min a day UNDIVIDED with her, meaning no baby....that's right, let you hubby bond with baby while you hang with your firstborn. This is so important. I have a 3 yr old and a 9mo old and had to find this out for myself. She's trying to compete for your love. It's amazing how this changes things. During that time you can talk calmly to her about new baby, ask if it's hard for her, let her open up, and express how much you love her and how important she is to you and the family....also you can talk about how important it is that she's a good big sis. When the tantrums come up, try to be creative at changing the focus, divert to a new task or involve a toy, or ask her if she can help with something or give her something to help with... I know it's hard and also FYI on a different note, it's natural for older siblings to have urges to hurt new babies (not saying this is good) but important for the caregivers not to shame but help the toddler to identify these feelings and find a different outlet, like outside rough play or singing or dancing wildly. blessings to you and your family (otherwise it internalizes into emotional hurt and ultimately physical pain/ illness).

Hi J.,

I'm sure you realize that your daughter is trying to adjust to have a sibling. She now has to share your attention.

With some extra cuddles and the words to go with her feelings, she may handle it better. With my son, I would hold him and say "I know it is hard to share mommy and daddy with your sister"........"I know this is a hard time for you" "God increases the amount of love mommy and daddy have to give, so there is enough for both of you", etc.

Also, some special activities that are just for you and her, because she is a "big girl" will help.

Best wishes

Sounds like jealousy to me, are you spending one-on-one time with your 2 year old? You might give her more attention - but only while she's behaving, continue to ignore the bad behavior. Read more books, play games, that sort of thing. I know you're probably exhausted but it really sounds like she feels left out. Also, see if you can take her for "lunch dates" without the baby, if your mom is nearby ask for some time in the afternoon to take your 2 year old for a special one-on-one outing just the two of you.

i only have a 1 year old so can't help on discipline. But i would imagine part of the problem comes from being dethroned as your one and only! maybe she needs more love and attention and acknowledgement from you and your husband? Can imagine that's tough to do with a newborn!

My son is 3 in December and we recently went through the same thing. I actually had a week where I cried about 3 times due to my level of frustration! I found a great tool from a book called "How to discipline your strong Willed Child". To give them a sense of independence/control you give them 2 choices so they fullfill the "I do it!" desire. For example, My son sometimes just won't listen when I tell him it is time for bed. So I say, "Would you like to come down to bed with your blanket and read a book or would you like me to pick you up and put you in bed? An important key is that I say it without being tense or angry..just simple and direct. Sometimes twice but thats all I give and then if he does not respond I follow through on the choice I know he won't want. It really works! I c ongratulate him when he immediately makes a choice and say "good choice, I'm proud of you". Works for supermarket tantrums too...

Hi J.,
I was just there a couple months ago. I had my 3rd baby in August and my second child had just turned 3. The first 1 1/2 months took some adjusting, we had our good/bad days, but it does get better. My lactation consultant at the hospital suggested reading to my son while I nursed my daughter, so that way he felt like he was still getting attention too.
As for her not listening, I have taken toys away and put them in a bag and said when you can listen and clean up then you will get them back. My 3 yro started cleaning up very quick! We also started my son in pre school in October ( 2 days a week 3 1/2 hours) and it is a nice break for both of us. He has a blast and I have some time with the baby, plus he is learning to follow directions in a setting outside the home and seeing that other kids can follow directions. He does have a tantrum once in awhile, but I just put him in his room and as I walk out I tell him when he is ready to behave and use "Listening Ears" then he can come out. I think that even at 2 1/2 and even 3, sometimes they don't know how to deal with their frustration, so throwing a fit is like their release. Try to have some mommy time with just her, even if it's for an hour at the park, a lunch date, ect. Has your husband had some time with just her on the weekends also? Like I said, I know your frustration and have been through it, but it will subside soon !! Good luck and Congratulations on your baby boy !

This book has been amazing for us! (and was an easy read for a busy mom) I have been trying to read my own book for over a year so laughed when this was given to me, but I think I was so excited for it to help that I read it all the time and finished it quickly.
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...

Good luck this is no fun, but somewhat normal. The good news is the strong willed child will do well in the future! ;-)

I only have one child, but do you think it could be due to the new baby? I think she probably needs more one on one attention from you and your husband. Would it be possible for her to spend say Saturday afternoon with daddy to get frozen yogurt or something? I don't think that putting her in her room to cry or taking away treats, etc... will work. I am sure it is due to the transition with the new baby.

Now that's an obvious one to me "due to the birth of our beautiful son." She is adjusting to having to share her time with you. Rather than approaching it by punishing, try another route. Say something to her like "let's show baby brother how you clean up your toys." She is obviously trying to get your attention and the more you try to ignore her, the worse her behavior is going to get. Make a big deal (be over the top) about how the baby is going to learn from her and how she is being such a great big sister by showing him how she cleans up her toys. Also, use the reward system. We have a "proud of you chart" in our house for our 3 year old. Anytime she does something that we are proud of, she gets a sticker to put on her chart. She gets so excited about it that she's always trying to find something to do to make us proud so that she'll get to put a sticker on her chart. I always say "stress the positive" don't dwell on the negative. Don't take away.....just praise the positive attitude. Do something silly like a silly happy dance. When she is putting the toys away, dance around her like a silly mommy and sing a little song "you're making mommy happy...I'm doing the happy dance." And the more she cleans up, the sillier you get with your dance. Make cleaning up a fun, happy time for her. Our kids love making us happy and proud so the more she sees you getting happy about her doing good deeds, the more she is going to want to do them. Good luck!! Let me know if that helps.

I have an almost 3 year old and a 14 month old... we have gone through the difficult 2 year old disagreements, no to everything and adjustment to having a new little brother.

A great book for us was Love and Logic for early childhood. The methods of giving choices and teaching responsibility in your child making choices is working well. Our almost 3 year old tested us constantly for months, but consistency, this book, and prayer have brought a new day. Also be assured, it sounds like your daughter is being a normal 2 1/2 year old.

Hope you are able to find a solution for your family.

It sounds to me like she is trying to get some of the attention back since you just had a new baby (albeit negative attention). Maybe you can "reward" her good behavior with just Mommy -n-me time, or create a chart with star stickers to reward listening and helpfulness. Also maybe you can try to involve her more with the new baby so she feels like she doesn't have to compete. I only have one child, but I've heard these techniques have been successful for other people I know. Good luck!

Hi J.,
Here is what I did for my girls and it seemed to work. But remember, it doesn't right away.

You are right in taking stuff away. However, I always give a choice. For example, "Daughter, you can either put your toys away, or I will take them away". You choose. If she doesn't, then take them away. However, only do it for a couple of days and make sure she gets really bored. I've also used the treat idea. You can put this away but if you don't, you will not get a dessert or treat tonight. If she doesn't, then make sure you guys eat your treat in front of her. She will HATE it but she will catch on. Just remember that she is only 2 1/2. They are really testing their boundaries and will pick up on any "give upness" that you show. You guys are in charge and she will get it. But it isn't overnight.

My 3 year old now loves to sleep with some dollies. My recent problem was her not getting ready for bed in a timely matter. So, I gave her the option of getting ready for bed (It isn't time to play) and sleeping with her little mermaid doll. If you don't get ready for bed then I'm taking away the doll. I've had the doll for two days now, since she decided she was going to drive me bats at nighttime. However, last night she got ready for bed nicely and I told her she can have the doll tonight. So, sometimes you just have to stick to your guns, take stuff away that they love, and ride it out. Your daughter seems very strong willed and stubborn right now. Very determined. And this will be a good thing later on, but right now she just has to follow your rules. It stinks but it will get better. I'm a working mom too so I know how tiring it can be when they do this. Oh, do you do bedtime stories? I bet that would be a good one to take away...I've done that in the past and it works well because they LOVE being read to. Good Luck and Congrats on your little boy!!!

Remember humor, humor, humor - otherwise you'll go crazy. Look at it (or TRY to look at it) with that little snicker of wiseness - that you know how truly inevitable it is that your toddler's gonna do this, and try to get her way. It's really her job in trying to grow up! It's YOUR job to stay ahead of her, to know she'll do this, and to show her how calm you are so that she can look to you for security and unconditional love. Most of all, she just needs to have a little bit of control so she can feel a sense of autonomy she's looking for. So ALWAYS give her choices - be ready to. If you know you have to leave in 15 min., for instance, tell her in advance and at the same time ask her which jacket she'd like to take, or which of 2 toys or 2 snacks she'd like to bring. Literally anything - just make sure she gets to have that "say" in her life. That's what she's looking for. It is hard - we all know that, esp. with your new little one.
M.

It sounds like she is jelous of the baby. So this is her way of getting a lot of attention even if it is negative

my daughter was 3 when i had david and she started doing things to get in trouble, like putting oil all over her doll and then powder. And on and on.

So one day when i put her down for her nap, i asked her if she felt like i spent more time with david then her. I'm not sure of the exact words, but i did find out this was the problem,

so i told her he was just so little that i had to feed him because he couldn't do it yet and i had to bath him ect.

Then i asked her if she would mind helping me with him, then i could spend more time with her.

It worked i would have her hold a wash rag,go and get a diaper or hold his bottle while i held him, just a lot of little things and it did work, of course i gave her a lot of parise and thanked her for helping.

I really feel this could be the problem and it is very common.

Good luck and hope you get some good advice, just be sure and question her when she is relaxed and quiet like nap time or when you are holding her and cuddling her,

It's interesting that you have written this whole scenario without mentioning the new baby. She is looking for a way to express herself regarding losing her first place on the totem pole! I don't think that ignoring or placing her in her room at this time are going to be productive. If she were just changing temperament without having a new sibling to deal with then I think that might work but right now she is looking for ANY attention and not caring whether or not it is gained with negative behavior. I would set aside some time each day when the baby is napping to have "special" time with her and also make sure when your hubby gets home at night to have a ritual with her first before going to you or the baby as it will make her feel that much more important. Sounds like she needs some good one on one mommy time.
My boys (age 5) really struggled with me being sick during my pregnancy - on bed rest - and in hospital as well as bringing the babies home afterward. They are five and able to express themselves in many ways - Michael drew pictures of mommy, Marcus and himself - for a few weeks after the babies came home (wanting things to go back to "normal"). Marcus had tantrums in full day kindergarten and regressed to a three year old level when trying to express himself - aggressive and liked to run out of the classroom. We had to make huge changes to make sure the boys knew they were loved and involved in the family. They now go to half day kindergarten and are home with me in the a.m. They help with the babies - bringing diapers, filling bottles with water and also ask for "mommy time" - which includes reading to them, sitting and watching their fave program on t.v., etc.

It may seem like overcompensation at first but she probably is a bit jealous of the new little one.

Hope this helps,
A.

Yeah. I have a 26-month-old and a 3-month-old at home. My older daughter is hell on wheels. Was before the new baby was born and continues to be after. Seriously. I feel your pain. My elder daughter is half human/half-leprachaun.

May I make two suggestions?

1) Continue to do what you're doing. Even though it seems like her behavior is getting worse, your message should be consistent. Continue with the time-out, time in her room, etc. I know her behavior is driving you nuts, but stay consistnet.

2) Try and sent a little time apart each day just to spend with her. I started to take my older daughter to look out at the moon each evening and now it's become 'our' little thing and she reminds me every night.

And 3) - even though I said I only had two suggestions, I have three. Get some time for yourself. I know the world is nuts. But get up 15 minutes earlier every day if you can (yes, I know your night time schedule is crazy and you're getting up to feed the baby - I am too) but a little more time for yourself before the kids get up will help you be better able to handle your toddler. And remember, you are a little crazed. She may be picking up on this and reacting too it. So even tho it seems impossible to put in more time for yourself, it may, in the wierd world of this Universe, have the most impact on your daughter. At least, more time for myself seems to help me the most with handling my daughter.

Sounds like your daughter has two things going on....

jealous of the new baby AND pushing boundaries to see how far she can get. Our son was telling us "no" a lot too and one day I saw him say it to his daycare provider and she got down on his level and told him "You don't get to say 'no' to me when I ask you to do something." and it worked!!! Holy moly - I was shocked. So now when he does that at home we do the same thing and it works (took a couple times but it works).

We had our 2nd child when our first was 3 months shy of turning 3 years old and it was rough on him - so we really really really had to start carving out one on one time with our older son. Still do. We have times where for a couple hours I handed the baby off to my husband and just me and our toddler went to the grocery store and he got to help. He and I would go fill up the car w/ gas or drive through the car wash. I was shocked to see the change because before he was doing everything to get attention - even if it meant negative attention. I've also become really good and diversion tactics. Once our 4 year old (just turned 4 last week) even starts to act up (ramp up as I call it) I find something that he really needs to focus on - I had him count the plastic grocery bags in the kitchen the other day, I've had him sit next to me to 'write' the grocery list (he has paper and I tell him what to write - mostly it is scribbles but he is doing something). I've had him sort laundry. I've given him use the dustbuster (little hand held vacuum that you plug into the wall) and had him vacuum any lint or crumbs that he could find until the battery runs out (usually about 5 mins - which is enough to change a diaper and warm a bottle). I've given him a paper towel and let him help clean the mirrored closets. Just give him something to do and talk to him a lot while he does it. In short - stick to the boundaries and give your daughter some one on one time - it's really really hard to balance at first but you'll be a pro in no time. You might want to make a list of diversions up on the fridge because it can be hard when you are caring for a newborn to come up with something creative at the drop of a hat - but once you know them you can recall them fairly easily.

Hi J.:
You recieved a few good responses,but I thought I'd give it an answer on a childs perspective.First of all,your daughter is not jealous of her new brother.She adores her new brother,and loves the idea of having A sibling to have fun with.She however feels a little confused. She liked the whole (baby idea),until she witnessed mommy,daddy and all their friends making over the new arival. She just didn't know it involved sharing so much of you and daddy! shes probably tossing it around,as to wether she wants to send him back to the store you bought him from. lol She probably watches you,and how you cuddle him and baby him....Much like you did her,not to long ago.You no doubt prepared her for the new baby,months in advance. Telling her,that she would be the big sister. He would be a tiny baby,and she would be A (big girl)So, the baby comes,and she attempts to be the (big girl)You tell her what she is wearing,when and what she is eating,when to pick up her toys,when its time for her to take a bath and What time she must get dressed for bed. When she tries to play her new given role as the big sister,she is told (No) or you can't or you must,or I want you to or now! Shes no longer the baby,but shes not the big sister either,because she is given no choices.You need to allow her to make some. Don't make everything a struggle,or battle of the minds.Give her some room to grow,and get to know her particular place in the family now.Punishing her for unsuccessfuly expressing her feelings,is not going to benifit her or you. Putting her in a room,separating her physically from you,will create more hurt feelings,and that of alienation.Its simply going to create more confusion for her."Mommy only wants to be with the baby" "I don't make mommy happy" "She doesn't want to be with me. No Child should feel,that they are only loved,when they are good.That we only want to be with them,when they are on their best behavior.They need to know,they are loved,unconditionaly. They quickly learn the meaning of compassion,and forgiveness,when their parent shows understanding and exceptance,for mistakes they have made.My advice would be to include her more,when it comes to caring for her brother,and set special time aside for her,so she can remain feeling special.Remember,she may appear to busy at play or even run, kick and fuss,but she wants you to catch her,and hug her. She hasn't forgotten so soon,how special you made her feel.She just needs to be reminded from time to time. Soon,she will adjust, feel more secure,and she and her new brother,will be the best buddies ever.I wish you all the best.

She needs to know who is the queen..

We had major problems with our 2 1/2 year old son getting ready in the morning and getting ready for the bed in the evening. We started a sticker chart and the first week we were pretty easy about how much cooperation was necessary for a sticker and then each successive week we've tolerated less and less. Once he finally got a whole week full of stickers we went to the store and let him pick out a new toy. We still keep up the sticker chart but haven't continued on with the new toys - for him getting to put on a sticker right now is enough reward. Maybe you can do something like that for picking up toys everyday, or whatever behavior you need to improve. And its all about training the behavior you want, so be willing to take small steps to get there. Good luck!

One thing that worked with my son when he was 2 1/2, now 6, was time-out for his toys. I'd take away the toys that he would not put away. Then after a couple of days, the toys would be put away where they were supposed to be while he was in bed. It seemed to work with him. With my daughter, 3 1/2, she is just defiant. What works with her, is when she has, as we call it "her stinky attitude," just saying no to everything and throwing a fit, we take away her favorite toys for a day. It gets progressive. They were taken away for one day, then tow days within the first week. Then we went two weeks with nothing. Then they were taken away for three days. It has been two weeks since our last incident. It has really gotten through to her.

The trick is to be consistent with whatever you do. If you are wishy wasy or change the consequence, it won't get through to him.

Hi J.,

My son was a freak at 2 1/2 for about two weeks and then again at 3 1/2 for about that long. I thought someone was going to have to ship me away to the funny farm! Timeouts did not seemingly work for me at that time either. My son repeatedly did not mind us and did destructive things (not purposefully, probably just curiosity-based)--like when he BIT his window shutters down to the wood grain (yep, there are still teeth marks on two shutters)--or when he emptied an entire bottle of red liquid hand soap onto his bedroom floor and wallowed in it (I still haven't been able to get that out).

What did I do? I just kept up with the timeouts and the leaving him in his room to scream it out, just like you are doing. I also tried harder to catch him in good behavior and praise him for it (although there were days when this was almost impossible). There were a couple of times when I tried some new games to play with him or got out some new books (you know, stuff I'd put away from past birthdays/Christmases) and I just said, "Hey, we're going to have fun right now--let's play something new." Sometimes that worked, sometimes not. I think these ages are just weird developmentally--stuff must be going on in their brains, new baby at home or no (although my husband was traveling at both of those times--which could have had something to do with it, although my son had never acted that way when my husband traveled other times, so who knows?).

Just when I thought I couldn't deal with it a moment longer, he stopped acting like a creature from another planet. (During that time I found that a glass of wine after he went to bed helped, as did going to bed early myself and groaning. :-) The good news is that now he's 4 1/2 and though he's had moments, we've experienced nothing like those two terrible periods in the past.

Good luck--I'm sure it will all melt away if you continue to stick to your guns. This might just be a time when parenting isn't that much fun, and perhaps when you don't do much with your daughter outside of your home (like we didn't go to restaurants or stores or other public places during those times). It will get better!!

:-) D.

I feel your pain. I just went through the same thing with my 3 year old when his twins brothers came home. He had at least one crying fit a day and would throw tantrums and say no to us. It lasted about 3 months and I thought it would never end. For the first couple months we spoiled him and gave in because we didn't want him to feel out of place because of the twins. We wanted to make him feel special and loved. But he was still having meltdowns and eventually we let him cry it out in his room and went back to time outs and taking away privileges. After another month he was back to normal. It was just a phase for him and very frustrating for us. Hang in there. It will get better. Good Luck!

Hi J.,
Just wanted to say that my son is nearly 2.5 and we are dealing with similar issues - I am due in 2 wks with our second, so I think it could be baby issues, but I'm not convinced it isn't just developmental as well. My husband came up with something that works occasionally - he'll ask my son if he wants to do the task (e.g. put away toys) happy or sad, then wait a few moments. More often than not, my son will choose "Happy!" and come and help. If he ignores or continues to tantrum, we calmly have him do it anyway, with us (as best we can). My big realization came yesterday when I was at my wit's end and telling my son how frustrated/sad/angry I was feeling, and how I was having a hard time hearing his screaming/whining. He calmed down shortly afterwards and said, "I'm calm now, mama. I'm happy. Thank you, mama - thank you for worrying about me being sad." It made me realize that it's not always against me, or purposeful on his part - sometimes they just need extra love and attention when they're at their least loveable moments!! I don't mean spoil them, but be sensitive to what they're going through and don't assume they're acting from an adult perspective.
Good luck! This, too, shall pass. :)