Help! We Took Away the Pacifier and Now My Son Is Out of Control.

Am I missing something here? Why can't he have it if it's just at night? It's clearly his stress reliever and we all have stress relievers (for some it's food, wine, whatever). Is it really that bad for him to have a pacifier at night in the bigger scheme of things? I could see if he was going around all day with it, then there are issues but that is not the case. My 5 year old still has her blankie and sucks her thumb at night. Should I worry she'll keep doing it as an adult? Please. And if she does, is it really that big of a deal in the scheme of things? In the scheme of problems and horrendous things you see on a daily basis? Stop worrying and let him have it for Heaven's sake! Life is so hard anyway...let him have his harmless comfort.

Hi J.,

You are really doing everything right, however, it takes at least 2 weeks to change/break a habit so hold on. Still talk to him and remind hime that he made a fair exchange with Santa.

Take heart and don't beat yourselves up over it.
It is a hard time... but there will be many moments of childhood that are not easy and we as the Mommy and Daddy... has to coach/comfort/provide understanding/safety/and loving for our kids.

*My son, was a binky user. But ALL day. Not just at bedtime. We gave the binkies to "Santa" too. But he also has a stuffed cow, which he sleeps with and it is his well loved buddy, and he's had it since he was a baby. So I think, that for my son at least, he adjusted well. It took him about 2-3 days.

You are all in it TOGETHER, this phase of his life. Obviously it is not easy for him. He is frustrated and "misses" his binky. All kids react differently. Don't think about should've/could've. This is what you did, and you prepped him too. And he understands mentally, for what he is able to at his age. "Emotionally" that is a different story. Young children, or even teens for that matter, can intellectually understand something, but not that their "emotions" are in line with that or keeping up with their literal understanding of something. ***ADDING THIS: have you ever broken up with a dear boyfriend Or been dumped... knowing mentally that it was for the best....BUT still being "sad" over it or upset or even "resentful"??? Well for a little Kid, this could possibly feel like it sucks too or he may resent it that it happened. Even though they "know" its for the best as Mommy & Daddy explained. The Binky was his pal. My son, would call it his "friend." No matter how well someone understands something mentally, it can still suck. It takes time.

Encourage him to communicate about it... to channel his frustration and "missing" his binky in other ways... let him punch a pillow or something.... redirect his pent-up angst about it. Let him know he is doing "good" about it... but you "understand" about how he feels... validating him. NOT battling him about it or making him feel worse about it.
He is probably in his own way... trying to be "brave" about it all... but alas, a 3 year old can only do what they are capable or mature enough for. Thus "Us"- WE can help weather the storm about it, keep things in perspective about it (being glad he did give up the pacifier etc.) and then be patient. But of course... convey to him that to be mean/hurtful is NOT allowed. That you are ALL FAMILY AND A TEAM about it, and WITH him.
To a kid, they may even feel "singled out" about it all because afterall, he DID stop his pacifier... but yet he is still getting chided about it/scolded/punished/given time-outs and what not.

I imagine this is a real hard time for him.... let him get it out of his system... but explain, that being hurtful is NOT allowed. He can express his feelings.... the best he can... but physically lashing out it NOT acceptable. AND ask him is he needs any "help" in his transition... anything that can possibly help him feel better.

Kids this age, cannot always "do" what they have in their heads. Thus, he is probably at a real conflict over it all too... which he is venting about, although he does not know "how" to vent, appropriately. The Binky, was also probably a way for him to "cope" with anything that bothered him. Now, he does not have anything to "help" him cope. He has to learn new ways. AND also though, 3 years old is a hard age developmentally... harder than the "Terrible Two's." A great book is: "Your 3 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com
He has a LOT of things on his plate right now... at 3 most people expect a kid to be a "big boy" but they are still not yet a "big boy" and is a sort of hard age. Lots of expectations upon them which they cannot yet fully handle or understand yet.

All the best,
Susan

I've noticed on this site so many times that a mother gives a really long, detailed explanation of a behavior their child is exhibiting and why it is happening... then you get to the "A little about me" section and find out there are younger babies in the house. Are the younger babies getting pacifiers? (or a boob or a bottle -- surely he suckles) Can you imagine trying to give up smoking in a house of smokers? Or pastries in the home of a baker? Torture. I think it is a bit cruel in a home of suckling to make your older baby (three is still really young) give up his instinct to suck. That's really what it boils down to... he wants to suckle to sleep. Sleep is such an instinctual, vulnerable time. Let him have this little comfort for a bit longer. Clearly, he needs it. Or fight nature. (I'm sorry you found my post judgmental. It's just an opinion. Please delete it if it continues to offend you. I would, but it doesn't seem to give me that option.) Best of luck!

what's the big deal, give him back the pacifiers. in many cultures he would be still breastfeeding.
Good Luck
V.

He probably depended on it as a calming device-a stress reliever. Find other things he can do to calm himself down and rest or destress (yes, I know it sounds funny to say a 3 yr old is stressed but being a kid is hard work-people bossing you around all day, a whole bunch of rules that don't make sense, and a little brother who while he loves him probably gets on his nerves once in a while).
Pay attention to when the problems come up and try to counteract those situations.
Is he playing alone? try a little one on one time with you.
Is it when you ask him to do something? Try explaining why, calm speaking, and giving him choices.
Is it when you are stressed? He feeds off your stress and it adds to his and he doesn't have a coping mechanism.

Try to find things to help him. Music and dancing work wonders for preschoolers-have to clean your room, then turn on some music and dance your way through it.
Good Luck

Your poor little guy is definitely over-tired. :( Sleep affects behavior sooooo much. It's going to take a while for him to learn how to sleep without his pacifier, since sucking it can be such a soothing habit for little ones. Don't give up, he'll eventually work through it, but it's not going to be easy. Maybe you should try putting him to bed earlier, I know it sounds weird, but for some kids, it works miracles. Anyway, good luck!
I highly recommend the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, it's wonderful!

Hey J.,
Just want to give you some encouragement! I'm floored that other moms would respond that it's your fault for letting him have the pacifier for so long. Jeez! A little support here!

Hang in there, our daughter had one until 3, as well. Her transition was easier, but it's a big step for them for sure. Our daughter had hers in her mouth 24/7 and her front teeth started jutting out. That's when we knew it had to go. We did the binky fairy for our goodbye, but something that helped was the binky fairy sent a picture of the baby that the binkies went to -- after the fact. (My co-worker had just had a baby and I printed out the pic that he emailed and then wrote a letter). Maybe that will help a little bit; him seeing that the cycle continues with another child who really needs it. You could also write, as Santa of course, that Santa hopes that he's enjoying the new toys that arrived in the pacifier's place...

Anyway, hang in there ~ and definitely don't give in and give it back ;)

Hi J.,
Here is my story: a month before my son turned 2 years old, I began to talk about not nursing anymore (I had vowed he would be done nursing by 2). If we were gone all day he didn't ask for it so I knew it was just a comfort thing (when he would catch me sitting on the couch, he would want to nurse). Once he turned 2, he asked for it a couple of times, crying once or twice but that was it. However, he really became dependent on his pacifier at that point. If he couldn't find one at night he would wake up and cry. I would put them in a bowl in his crib so he would know where they were. It was the same for us, he was only allowed to use it in his room. Sometimes if he would get upset, he would run to his room, get into his crib (it had a gate) and use his pacifier to calm down. Before he turned 4, I started talking about giving up his pacifier.... it didn't go over as well.... He is smart and old enough to understand but he was very attached to it. They were getting old and I refused to buy anymore. If one got lost, that was it, it was lost. We were down to only 2 when he turned 4 and he just wasn't ready. Finally just before Christmas (about a month and a half after turning 4), he was willing to send it to Pacifier Fairy Land. He put a stamp on an envelope, put them in the envelope and put them in the mail box... then that night he asked for them! I am pretty sure I got them out for him that night but the next day he put them in the mailbox again and that was it. After a couple of nights without it we went to Build A Bear Workshop and built a moose (that was our deal... give it up and get an animal).

What I really wanted to share with you is that I wrote him a letter and signed it Pacifier Fairy. I mailed it to him and he was so excited to get a letter. It is still taped to his door a year later. The letter thanked him for the pacifiers and told him that a new baby was going to get use out of it. I am not sure if that will help your son, but it's a thought... having santa write him a letter, thanking him for what he did and how another child will benefit from it....

Good luck to you and your little guy!
J.

Whatever you do, DO NOT give in and give another pacifier. Toddlers past two or even 18 months should never even have the paci. You have to start giving time outs and punishments for his behavior. I don't have much other advice, except that your younger ones shouldn't get the paci so late in life. I wish you good luck, and it will eventually pass.

Time will make it better, J., I promise! My oldest son was almost two the first time he went without a "plug" as we called it. He was with grandma and couldn't find it (we were in Hawaii). When I heard the next day, at first I thought "This is our chance, don't give it back to him," but when I heard that he had cried until 3am I could not enjoy my vacation so I told grandma where it was. A year later, his dentist told me I really should get him off it or he could have long-term orthodontic issues. We only let him have it in his bed too.
Then a friend recommended that I snip the very tip of the pacifier off and say that a bug ate the end. He still had the comfort of his plug, but it doesn't suck the same. He took it out after about a minute and fell asleep without crying with it in his hand. Two nights of that and he said he didn't want the bugs to eat the rest or bite him so he threw it away himself! Problem solved, tear free. When my second son was almost two, I did the same thing. He took three sucks, threw it across the room, hugged his teddy and went to sleep. Every child's temperment is different, that is true, but the younger you get them off the pacifier, the easier it is. I like the Build-a-Bear idea. Several friends have used this for major milestones with great success. Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE IN! You have come this far.
If you do "find one" laying around, make sure that the plug bug has taken a nibble off the end so he sees that it is just not the same. Lay down with him maybe and hour early after a relaxing bath and book and see if he can relax with his new teddy and start a new routine. You are almost there!

Hi J., it sounds to me that the prolonged use of the pacifire allowed it to become an addiction to him, if you drink or smoke a cigarete everyday for 3 1/2 years you will be addicted. You allowed to be so depended upon the pacifire to sleep, now he's having withdraws. Is there any reason you allowed him to use it past infancy? The things you described about what to do when he missies the paci, seems like you and your husband are treating him like a baby, instead of a pre school age child.I never used pacifires for my baby's I figured there was enough to wing them from as it is. You may just have to deal with this, and let him get over it, cause it's not his fault. I don't know about this generation of baby's but I know in my day pacifires were used for premature baby's to help strenghten their sucking so the could nurse. That was then, he will get through this, but this is something that he was allowed to rely on for so long. Maybe you can do things diferently with your 7 month, and let him rely on you and your husband for all the things that your oldest son relied on the pacifire for. Hang in there, it will get better with time. Julia C

Don't really have any advice and totally understand the way you feel that he should be ready to quit the pacifier by now,but maybe he is not ready just yet....one thng i can tell you is that when my mom took the pacifier from me at 1/doctor said it was time/ I started sucking on my thumb and continued to suck my thumb at night till I was 8,so ...if there is a need for something it has to be fulfilled. None of my two kids ever took pacifiers no matter how I tried BUT my son nursed to sleep till he was 4 1/2 and my daughter almost 3 still nurses at night so that's kind of the same thing...anyway if he does not use it during the day then what's the big deal-let him use it at night untill he is ready to give it up!
M..

Don't listen to the other J. and her "in my day" bs! What's done is done. I like the idea of sending a letter. If he really wants it back, he can ask Santa for one. You can also go to a therapist with him if all else fails. 12 days is pretty short adjustment period. He has to learn a new behavior.

Hi J.,

I don't have any first hand experience with this subject because my son never wanted a pacifier. I really just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are doing a great job with trying to find a solution to your problem. Please don't bet yourself up over the situation. What is done is done you can't go back and change anything. All you can do is stay strong and know that this phase shall pass too.

I really wish that this site would only be used for positive support instead of pointing out the things moms have done that others may feel are wrong or incorrect. I believe every mother on this site is just really trying to do the best job they can at one of the hardest jobs out there.

Good Luck!

Like so many of the other mommys said, you're doing a great job and hang in there! We've been slowly weaning our soon-to-be 3 year old off her "binky" (which she only has during bedtime). When she started her daycare we didn't bring it for naptime and she's been fine but at home it's a whole different story. You did the right thing in weaning him off at his age because our daughter's dentist said after 2 years their teeth can be negatively affected by pacifiers.

So hang in there and know that I'm one of many moms that are behind you and all that you are doing to handle a VERY difficult time.

J.,
At this point, it doesn't help to advise you on whether he should or shouldn't have been using a pacifier at this age or on how you decided to have him give it up. Please don't second guess your parenting decisions based on others' opinions. We all parent differently and none of us is going to get it exactly right.
What you are looking for now is how to deal with it given the current circumstances, and it sounds to me that you are doing it pretty right. If the pacifier is gone, he needs to find new ways to soothe himself and you have given him many suggestions. He'll have to find the one that works for him. Until then, the sleeping is probably going to be rough for awhile.
In the meantime, continue to be supportive, and set the same behavioral expectations that you always have. The discipline should be logical consequences for his actions. If he doesn't eat, he goes hungry. If doesn't cooperate with getting dressed, he has to leave the house in PJs. If he pees in the bed (regardless of whether he told you it was an accident or not) he helps clean it up or he has to live with the wetness in his bed.
Hang in there! Parenting is hard work!