Help W/29 Yr Old Son

Sounds like you need to do tuff love. Tell him he's gone and if he doesn't leave on his own call the police. Do it. He may hate you now but will either get his act together or pull you down with him. Been there done that. He's a better person.

One of my aunts had the same problem. She told her son, if you want to stay here you have to pay rent. because he didn't have a job, where ever he got his money he had to pay 25% of that. Plus he still had to pay her gas money and 5% for food. He soon learnd how to take a bus and get a job. And with in about a year of that moved out.....
Good Luck

Ronny,

I have read through everyone elses responces to you and advice, and there is nothing I can add really. Alanon would be great for your husband and yourself. Try at least one meeting. You do need a support group for strength.

My family will be praying for you and your family, especially your 29 year old son, may he find his bottom and climb up. There are a lot of programs out there to help him. No matter what, he cannot live in your home. He needs a "half way house" right now. They are professionals in this area.

My brother died from his addiction. I have seen everything you are going through. And we are praying for your strength and his health. May God be very close to you all during this horrible point in your lives.

A.

Hi, First of all let me tell you that I am proud of you for telling your son to leave. That is called tough love. I had to do that to my son (whos in his 30's now), And hes a better person now. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom in order to see the light. Stick to your guns girlfriend. Disrespect for the woman who gave you life ( and who can take it away) is not right and he will learn that. I wish you well and do not back down, stand your ground....

First let me say, I am so sorry that you are going through this!
Addiction is powerful! As a parent, the hardest thing to do is watch our children suffer. The only way he is going to change his behavior and break his addictions is to hit rock bottom! He is substituting one drug for another! The only way for him to be successful in his fight is to want it more than anything else. If someone can convince him to go to detox he might begin to think more clearly.
It is hard, I do know, but try to remember that it is the addiction fighting for survival that says the mean things, not the child he still has inside him. But, you can NOT have him around those grand babies of yours!

Do yourself a favor, attend a family support group for family members of addicts, it helps alot.

Good Luck and God Bless

first i want to say that you are a wonderful mother!!! i think you've done all that you possibly can. do what you think is right. you can't do it all for him. my mom went through this with my uncle but he wasn't on "drugs" but he was/is an alcoholic. they had him at their house for over a year when he was getting divorced but had to get him out of their house b/c he wouldn't stop drinking. he refuses he has a problem, and until they realize on their own that they have a problem, they won't ever get help. i really hope everything turns out better for you than it has for my family. good luck.

I don't know what can be said, except you kicking him out is
a good idea, he needs to grow up. I know that I would be really hurt if my daughter said something like that to me.
Hope things work out for you.
K.

Above all else Pray for him, tell him you are too.
Stand your ground Girlfriend. B/c it's hard when you have
to turn your back on them.

change your locks on the house and show him some tough love honey. at 29 he needs to get it together and if he can't respect you, then you need to put him out and make him grow up!!!!!!!!!

Hi there. I am sorry to hear that your son is acting this way. I have been struggling with my sister(24) and he addiction for the past 3+ yrs, so i do understand. I wish I could replace alot of our memories over that past few years. Anyhow, I do think your son has replaced that crack with the alcohol. He needs help for his problem, and he won't get it til he is ready. But the fact that it is effecting you and your household this way is not healthy at all. I know you love him, you hate the choices he is making. You need to be firm for him and yourself. It will be hard. But he needs intervention....support from the whole family helps. Believe me it can get better. If you need to vent you can contact me privately. good luck, your in my prayers!

kick his but out. i know it is hard even though he is being a but. he is still your son. but if he does not respect you that is not right.

Tough Love. YOu need to get him out of your house. You don't need him to bring your mind and spirit down. Just because he can't get his act together does not mean you need to support him financially. I know if might be hard to do that but you need him to understand that he is no longer getting a free ride from you and your husband. He is not respecting you and your husband nor does he sound greatful for what you anr e your husband are doing for him. Cutting the cord is a lot harder to do when you love someone so much. But he is bringing your moral of your home down and that is not healthy for you or your husband. You need to have a talk with your husband and make sure he is on the same page as you to get him out of the house. He is 29 for gosh sakes. He needs to find a job even if it is the garbage man. It is a job. What I find interesting is that my parents are doing the same thing to one of my brothers. He finally did get a job after 1 year of sponging off my parents. Now we don't see him much b/c he is traveling but at least now he is working. IS he seeing a counselor for the drugs? If so you need to have a talk with that person and let them know what is going to happen so they can give him the right support that he needs. Bottom line he needs to grow up and become the adult he is.

Honey you are babysitting your 4 yr old granddaughter... She does not need to see him like this at all!! You need to tell him it is time to leave. Sorry I love you but I can't have you living in my home like this. The drinking and foul mouth is not a good thing for you or your grandchild. This is also something you and your hubby needs to talk about and be firm on your decision.

My thinking of this he will only get better if he really want to. No one can make him do something. I understand he is your child. But I have an uncle that is doing nothing but drinking his life away and we all have asked him to get help. He will not because this is what he wants to do with his life.

Just pray a lot have just let him know that yes you love him but he is a grown adult and he has to stand on his own 2 feet.

I hope everything goes well.

You are not the only person in this boat! What is wrong with this generation. I say it is time to give your son the boot. give him 2 weeks to get a job and then 2 more weeks to get out. One month and you will be done. At least maybe you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is hard when you love someone to kick them out, but it's called tough love.

This is tough and you definitely need one or several other people there when you confront him. You really do have to get him out of your house. Pack his stuff up and give him the option: He has 24 hours to find another place to live or his stuff is in front of the house, Or you and someone else can transport him and his stuff to a local homeless shelter... Tough love.

he's gotta go. i am about your son's age. it's time to grow up, take care of himself and take responsiblity for his own actions. a mother will always be a mother and will always love her children, but it is no mom's obligation or duty to KEEP raising a fully-grown adult nor must put up with him taking advantage of you, your home, your money and your precious time.
perhaps you should give him 2-4 weeks to find a job and a place to stay, but definitely there needs to be a reasonable time limit. you should have been finished raising him long ago.
good luck!

Ronny, I am a recovering alcoholic, sober 28 yrs. in AA. I've
seen this happen over and over! You are doing him NO good
enabling him by allowing him to live and rule over you. He
needs to see that his drinking is the source of all his problems. YOU ARE NOt! He'll try to blame you for everything. Running, etc, is not treating his disease. He needs treatment and Alcoholics Anonymous. Of course he won't
think so. So you have to get him out of your house and allow
him to hit some kind of bottom. You're killing him with
your attempts to "help" Find an Al Anon group in your area,
go regularly and do what they suggest. Alcoholism is a family
disease and you must get help and support to learn how to
detach with love from this man. (he is after all a man) and
it's time he is allowed to face himself and see the truth.
I've sat in thousands of meeting with men like him who said
they wished their mothers had forced them to deal with the
consequences of their drinking. Please let me know what you
do. I'll be watching for your comments. xxoo Mary
p.s. Don't let him pile guilt on you. They ALL try that.

You are doing EXACTLY what you need to do. You've already raised your kids and you don't need a 29 year old one depending on you. He has to learn sometime. TOUGH LOVE is the answer here. He obviously doesn't appreciate what you're doing for him and won't if you continue to let him stay. He's showing plenty of disrespect, as well. If he can't abide by your rules...help pay for food, etc., show respect, etc...then he hasn't "earned" the right to live there, despite his situation. It's a two way street. If he wants help, then he needs to understand there are rules. SO many people think they can do what they want, when they want and have no regard for ANYONE else. That's especially sad when it involves family.

Is there a church that you can call & find out if someone needs a roommate, will take him in, etc.? A center of some sort. Maybe he needs to "volunteer" at a youth center of some sort in exchange for living there. THEN...he might decide he has a purpose other than sponging off his family. AND....it would give him a sense of purpose. Something he doesn't seem to have other than taking advantage of people

If he's in a living situation like that.....in many cases, there will be stipulations.....have a job, whether that be inside or outside the facility, even if part time, etc. There is NO glory, no integrity in sponging off others. What kind of "legacy" does he intend to leave to his family and society?

Check out Alanon: http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

It's time he got a lesson from the life of hard knocks. He has the "I deserve" syndrome. Pack his stuff into a plastic trash bag and drop his tail off at the men's shelter downtime - Salvation Army. Spending a few nights there will change his tune. Perhaps see his options will straighten out his attitude. He needs to take steps to get out on his own. If he wants to do that, people at the Salvation Army-or any shelter-can put him in touch with people who will help.

He obviously needs counseling. Taking drugs and drinking are a symptom of a larger social issue in his life. He can contact the United Way for free counseling sessions. They can also reduce rates for those of minimal income.

If he's not willing to help himself, there's not much you can do. Counseling and intervention is the first step. Try to find other people in his life or yours to help you be there for him. You can't be the financial and emotional tether that keeps him together.

www.myspace.com/staceefrane
http://staceefrane.getthisoffer.com/10
www.diamond.extremecreation.com
____@____.com

It's time to kick the bird out of the nest. It's going to be hard, but until he is clean and sober, he should not come near you. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it's for your own safety. Right now you are enabling him. You might also call a professional and ask for an intervention, but I don't know if you can do that with a 29 yo. Best of luck, you'll be in my prayers.

Get him out of your house NOW!
Change your locks NOW, and do whatever you need to to get him out.
He is an addict and needs treatment but you cannot force it upon him....so take care of yourself and your grandchildren...they should NOT be exposed to his behavior and disrespect to you.
DO NOT enable him any longer!
You can go to Al-Anon for help...you can go to Al-Anon.org on the Internet to find the meeting nearest you, or look in the phone book under Al-Anon.
I have been in the same situation....

Kick him out!!! He is obviosly an addict, if he spends all his money on alcohol. Don't enable his behavior any longer, you will end up doing more damage by letting him stay. If he wants to disrespect you and be a bum then tell him to do it somewhere else. I have a brother who went through this and it's hard to turn away and give tough love but in the end it worked out. Good luck to you and your family. Stay strong!!

It sounds like he needs the push to get his life together. If you keep him in your house and continue enabling him, he will just continue to rely on you instead of getting a job. Sometimes tough love is to put your foot down and force them to stand on their own two feet. I've heard of parents having to get a court order..it hurts terribly, but know that you are ultimately doing the best for him.

You are such a dear to have let him live at your house for so long. You need to kick him out! If he had kids I could understand you letting him live there longer. When I was in college I would run up my credit cards and my dad would pay them off. One day he said "enough" and stopped paying them. That was when I first learned that money DOESN'T grow on trees. It was the best thing my dad could do for me! I am so happy that he did that. At the time I was upset (and spoiled). As parents we are teaching our kids how to operate in this world. The best thing you can do is tell him he has "x" number of days to get out and STICK TO IT!!

You can do it! You need to be enjoying the money you are making and saving for your retirement and travel (or whatever you want to do when you retire) not taking care of a son you already gave 29 years to. I speak as a 26 year old who had to deal with tough love from my parent. It's the best thing you can do for them. If you are always helping him he will never learn to do it for himself. And if he gets married and has kids someday he needs to be able to take care of his wife and kids. I will pray for you. Lots of hugs.

~M.

Hi, there. First of all, I am so sorry to hear about everything your're going through. Though I am only a mother of a 4 month old, I am a 29 yo myself. My ex husband sounds a lot like your son. Every time he would get himself into a bind his dad would bail him out. After a while he knew that he could do anything because there would be no reprecussions!! His problem was gambling, though. He got himself into a world of hurt and his dad bailed him out.........about $50,000!! I know! He lost his job and his dad started paying his child support. He mooched off me, so he really had it made? Nothing was driving him to better himself or stand on his own two feet. Finally I left him, his dad stopped helping him, and he had no choice but to sink or swim. He's got a job now, has had for about a year and a half. My point is, why should your son get a job or better himself if he doesn't have to? I'd like to think I'd do anything for my baby boy, but your son is almost 30!! My sister was kind of in the same boat as your son too. My parents kicked her out and she says it's the best thing that has ever happened to her. Even if your son fails or turns to drugs again you cannot continue to take care of him. It's not fair to you or him. He doesn't deserve your hospitality! I hope this has helped a little. No one can tell you what to do. Just remember you only have one life in this world!
B.

You need to take your life back! If your son doesn't want to help himself than why should you? It is great to support them, emotionally etc. but he is a grown man and needs to do this on his own! What happens if he does something to you in front of your grandchild? My advice is if you want him out call the police and have them remove him. It sounds to me that his addictions are controlling him right now and he needs serious help!! GOOD LUCK & GOD BLESS!!

Tell your son you love him but his way of living is unacceptable to you and your husband. Let him know he either needs to shape up or ship out. Don't give in to him and make him find other ways to get around and most of all tell him with him being 29 and living at home he needs to get a job and help pay bills etc. I know if my kids ever tell me f-- you to my face they will be getting their butts kicked all over the place. Tell him you will not tolerate his using that language toward you. If he can't accept the rules and change his ways it is time to show him tough love! Whether or not you pushed your son does not give him the right to talk to you like that and you need to let that be known. Tell him he needs to grow up and take charge of his own life because you will not be around forever. If you have to take the money from him and don't let him have it unless you know for sure what it is going for. Definitely you need to take charge and show him who's boss and like I said if worst comes to worst pack his stuff up and show him some tough love. I wish you the best of luck.
D.

I am a 31 yr. old married mom of almost 12 yrs. to a wonderful man. We have 3 beautiful boys ages 10 yrs., 7 yrs. and 4 yrs.

I would say your son is still on drugs. He may have stopped just to come back home but he has started up again. He has no job...so where does he get money from to purchase alcohol? If he doesn't work, he can't eat. I think you are enabling him to not succeed by supplying him with a roof, food, and money?. He is a 29 year old who needs to go to rehab. and get himself together. By staying at home he is not getting the treatment he needs.

I think you have to make him leave! Tough love works wonders. It sounds like the alcohol is his problem. If you are keeping your granddaughter, she does not need to be exposed to his attitude. If he hasn't taken his stuff from your home, I would bag it up and put it on the porch. Give him a deadline to pick it up or it goes to the trash or Goodwill. He needs to learn to appreciate everything you do for him. You and your husband need to sit down with him, go over all the issues with him and tell him he must leave. "I'm sorry" will not cut it anymore. Actions speak louder than words on your part as well. Good luck

Yes, he needs to move out. He went from crack to being an alcoholic. You will have to be tough and let him hit his rock bottom before he will look up and realize that he needs help and needs to grow up. Tough love is not easy - you will have to be strong, consistent and you can not back down.
Good luck to your family!

I believe in TOUGH LOVE!! Tell him you'll help him find another place and job. But keep your foot down like you did all those years. Make sure you get your point across and make sure his dad stands behind you 100%!! If there are two different sides to a story, there will be two contradictions to what needs to be done. There are buses to ride and if he can find money for alcohol, he can find money for the bus to get a job and money to find a place to live. I don't mean to sound aweful or crude. But I know my family would've been that way with me. Its just time to GROW UP. I seen this stuff millions of times with my sisters and their kids. Which are almost all now out of their houses. The oldest out of my sisters kids is 25 or 26. He just now moved into his own place, gots himself a nice car and works a good job. Has 2 daughters of his own and a girlfriend. He ran into a lot of trouble. But we're back on you and your son. Stand FIRM. There's no way, but being FIRM and yet Still love them. I had to learn the hard way growing up. Just let him know you love him and yet, he's old enough to get alcohol and do his own thing, its time to also be old enough to have his own place and job. Or you can start treating him like that little boy he once was. Give him a cerfew, give him rules, set standards and if nothing still works...TIME TO GET A POLICE ORDER or write him up an eviction notice. Its legal. And send it to the courts. Hope this helps a little bit. I've had almost all my nephews, neices and unwanted guests come stay with me and my fiance at one time...and then some. And I know how hard it can be, especially when it starts tearing your nerves down.

Sounds like he has replaced the drug with alcohol. I would not hesitate to tell him that you love him and you are proud of him for kicking the crack habit; but you will be expecting him to get a job so he can move out on his own.

First and foremost, you are now a caregiver to your granddaughter; and she doesn't need to be around someone who is under the influence of alcohol, epecially when he is verbally abusive to her grandmother! And you don't deserve the disprespect! What if he loses control and hits you or one of your loved ones?

Your son is a grown-up, but he does not act like one. He knows what he is doing is wrong, and he feels bad about it, but he does not know what to do about it. You are an easy target, so he blames you and treats you with disrespect. You can't save him from his bad decisions. He just needs to learn to make better decisions.

As you know from being a parent, our job from early on is to teach our children love, guidelines, discipline, and being independent. What he needs is some tough love. If you continue to allow him to live with you and treat you with disrespect, you will enable him to continue a downward spiral and he will start to resent you for not giving him the chance to grow up and get on with his own life. You two will have a better relationship when your son is making better decisions and living his own life.

Don't withhold your love from him, but DO withhold your home. Let your son know that you are on his side and love him, but supporting him and enabling him are two different things. We love our children, but we cannot live their lives for them. It hurts to be tough, but so does watching him destroy himself and hurting us and others in the process.

I'll be praying for you! Things will get better!

I agree with the other girls. You can always check into programs in the area too and get information for him. Have your husband be there with you when the final confrontation happens. United force. It'll help you and maybe help your son see that you're not just being overemotional. Then present him with the information and give him your timetable.

I have watched my mother go through something similar with my older brother. I understand from that perspective. As a mother you never want to give up on your kids, but you have to give them a little tough love. Try as much as possible to remain calm. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. You may not feel it, but show it by helping him help himself. Set boundaries and maybe even offer to help him with a plan to get things together. Love is not always getting what you want but it gives you what you need, just like God does, because God is love. Jesus sacrificed for us all when were yet in our sins and gave us a chance. And that is what we are to continue to do today. I will be praying for you and I pray that God delivers you and your son out of your situations with peace and joy. In Jesus Amen!

hello, just my thoughts. yur son is grown up now ,a man.if he doesnt show yu respect i would tell him leave right now, yu have to use tough love. there are shelters to help him. i know yu love him but yu dont like him his ways.dont do anything else for him till he straightens up and shows yu respect.he needs to go to some group to help his adddition.im 74 and have raised 10 children and ive had my problems with my children too.i hope the best for yu, but say it and do it.bye M.

I had friends that had an adult son that kept putting them through a lot with his drug addiction. He stole from them, their business etc.
They put him in private drug programs etc. Unfortunately nothing worked, he didn't change.
They finally had to "divorce" him from their minds. They dont'know where he is at, nor do they. If he ever gets straightened out for real, he knows he can come back to them.
"Divorcing" a child is something as a parent you NEVER want to do, but in extremem cases, it is the only choice.
The only other thing I can offer is prayer.

L.

It sounds like you are enabling him to be a bum. You need to send him walking. I know that this will not be easy. But it seems that he doesn't appreciate your help. You cannot tolerate his disrespecting you in your home. There are a lot of homeless shelters out there. He needs a reality check. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Stay strong. You and your husband need to be a united front on the matter.

R., I don't know if you are a Christian or not. I am a 32 year old mom of 3. My parents are divorced. My Dad is a Christian and my mom is not. I know that my Dad prayed for me all the time growing up. He still prays for us. I was a hellion growing up. My husband was too. His mother prayed continually for him. I truly believe that is why we both turned our lives around and are still alive. I will pray for your son and I hope you'll do the same. By the way I became a Christian at 24 and my husband last year. Good luck! J.

My dear woman, you and your family have gone through so much but the sad part is, he will not stand on his own until he no longer has you for a crutch. Tough love is one of the hardest things a parent can do. Been there, done that! He may have given up the drugs (I say only maybe) but is simply using alcohol as a substitute. Denial is a devastating thing. He must face his fears and you can not do that for him. PUT HIM OUT BEFORE HE HURTS YOU PHYSICALLY! You must protect yourself, your husband, and the grandbabies!!!! He is an adult afterall not a child.

I am a 59 yr old Mom to 2 grown sons 31 and 34. I am helping my 34 year old raise his 3 year old. They do not live with me , I just care for Emma while he works.

What did your son do subsitute alcohol for crack ? That is usually what happens. Have you ever told him that you do not want him to drink in you home ? That would be the first thing I would tell him and if he didn't like it he could hit the door. My 34 lived with me until he was 29 but he respected me and my husband and helped us our financially. Tought love does not hurt at all(it will your son)and maybe someday he will thank you. Do not take it ! Your his elder and he should love and respect you !!

Tell him its time to get out on his own again. My son went though some hard times after his wife abandoned him and his daughter but he could not go to drinking because he had her to care for. He always thanks her for saving him and he saved her from a bipolar Mom that has 3 other children and does not raise, now she on number 5 with 5 different men. But Ryan is such a good father and he almost lost his home because of rising payments but he refinanced and is doing ok now. I am very proud of both of my sons and I do know that you want to be proud of you son too. So don't enable him with his drinking, he will someday thank you!!

You have tried your best to help him it sounds. I would talk to your hubby. My personal opinion is that he needs to go because:
1. You don't disrespect your parents like that who are helping you.
2. Not helping with any bills or attempting to get on his own feet.
3. The alcohol scares me a lot.

This will be a hard decision no matter what you decide. He is an adult though.

the only thing I could suggest is tough love. My heart goes out to you, but you need to band together with your husband and both of you tell your son that he either needs to enter an addiction clinic and clean up his act or leave your house. Drug/alcohol addiction can ruin a life and he needs help before it is too late.

you telling him he has to change and him WANTING to change are 2 completely different things. remove him from your life completely, i know it's easier said than done, but as long as he knows you're there to pick up behind him he's going to keep making a mess. he has to want to get better & change himself, no one can MAKE him realize this. pack his things place them outside, call the police first and have an officer there incase he gets violent, after he leaves if he calls hang up if he keeps coming by get a restraining order, if he knows you mean business maybe it'll help him get a sense of responsability, if not then you have given him everything you can to help him grow up.

Hello. While I empathize with your problem, (I'm a recovering addict myself), and know that you love him with all of your heart - he needs to be let go of. He is no longer your "little" boy; but a grown man that needs to really learn about responsibility or he will never get better. Being off "crack" does not mean he is cured. He is still drinking and angry because things aren't going his way. Please help your son by giving him ultimatems and standing by them. Either he grows up, or you won't help him and he will need to fend for himself. It's hard to do, because he's your son and you love him; but right now you need to lvoe yourself more. You don't deserve to be a part of his anger because HE made mistakes. He has to learn the lessons of making the mistakes, or continues making them. Especially since he has a safety net. Talk is cheap - action is faster. Have him attend meetings and get a paper signed that he has been going - there is help out there. No one is alone.

Unfortunately, if you allow him to continue to live with you, you are enabling this behavior b/c he knows that he always has a place to go. He sounds like he has an addictive personality. The ideal ultimatium would be rehabilition or he's out on his butt. As someone else said, Tough Love at this point is the best. For yourself, I would check into some support groups. You are not alone in a struggle such as this. Hearing how others handled these types of situations as well as having the support of those who truly understand the type of struggles that you are dealing with will work wonders for you. I know it is hard b/c you love your son and don't want to "throw him to the wolves" by kicking him out but if he's not willing to do something to truly help himself, then he has to go. No matter what happens, this is going to be very hard for you, you really need to seek some support for yourself and that may help you find the right way to help your son. Addiction is a horrible thing for everyone involved. As a Christian, I can tell you that my faith has helped me cope with a lot. I am not sure if you attend a church but you may want to consider it. You will find love & acceptance there as well as support and encouragement. Hang in there and I wish you the best of luck.

You are in a very tough spot. It would certainly be eaasier to get past the hurt if you did not care so much, but that same care will make the future reconciliation so much sweeter. I do not have any expertise, like a counselor or psychologist, but I am a mom and at least one son and his girlfriend had some family disrupting crises because of drugs. I survived with the help of Al-Anon, and having a life that included other challenges, so that there were some other challenges and successes besides what was going on with my son's drug choices. Today, they are both clean, sober and their own family is growing up.
I am saying a prayer for you and your family, and I wish you well.