HELP!!! My 3Y/o Wont Speak to Me When I Ask Her Questions.

Skiye,

I soooo totally feel you. I was the same with my 3 year old son when I had been preggo forever with my daughter (they're 3 years 5 months apart).

This is a time of uncertainty for your 3 year old. For 3, almost 4, years she's been the center of Mom and Dad's world and now this *thing* is coming and is going to take away some of that attention. Give her the love and compassion she craves. You won't permanently damage her by doing that. Keep telling her that Mommy and Daddy will love her just as much after the baby comes as y'all do now. In fact, there will be *more* love cause there will be another family member to love her and look up to her. My kids are the best of friends and my daughter wants to do everything her big brother/idol does.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I love to hear your honesty, and want you to know you're not alone! My son is the same age and Im due with baby #2 in 8 weeks. This age has been by far the hardest on our family. They say terrible two's??? More like let's see how far I can push my parents buttons at age 3.5.
Here are some things I try with my son to make him feel more comfortable with the baby coming.
I don't say my baby anymore I say "our baby". I include him in shopping for baby and organizing baby's room. Also the library has great stories to read about new baby coming home.
But even so these kiddos are going through so many phases and most likely will be just fine before we know it!
Please know your feelings are valid and completley normal. My fuse is short and I too feel so guilty after a blow out with the 3 year old. Have you talked to your Doctor? Mine made me feel a little better.
Hang in there your not alone!

Hi Skiye it's T :) so glad you like mamasource! Keep in mind that you also just moved, in addition to the new baby, that's a lot of change for a little person. We had the most frustration with Amelia when she was three and a half. She ignored us, threw fits, didn't listen, didn't behave like she used to, and seemed to forget routines on purpose. At school we learned that the first six months of a new age are usually well behaved and easy, and the latter six months are up and down. Not sure exactly why but it seems to be SO true! Three and a half was crazy to me, and at four she was like a whole new, well behaved, angel! So always know that you are doing your best, she knows you love her! And Amelia has been the best big sister too, now they play together and are best friends. She loves how much her baby loves her. See you next week, hang in there! :)

prophylactic hugging.

Hug her NOT when something else has you or her wound up. Hug her whenever you go by. After the baby is born, hug her with one arm while you hold the baby, or both arms if the baby lets you put him/her down.

The key thing is that she needs to feel like you will give her love and attention NOT RELATED TO HER ACTIONS. If she feels the need to act up (to get a hug after you yell and then feel guilty) or if she feels like she can't figure out how to get the contact she needs, longterm problems are being established.

I am not the world's greatest at this, but the days I remember it TOTALLY makes a difference, ESPECIALLY with each of the kids when they are ages 2-4. (After 4 they seem to prefer to have more control over when and how Mommy hugs or kisses them--I suppose as they start to really differentiate that their body is *their body* and not part of Mommy's ;) .)

I have better luck talking to my daughters after the situation is diffused. They are about the same age as your daughter, just turned 4. If I try to talk to them about something when they are emotional they either ignore me or say they don't want to talk about it. But if I bring it up later I get a much better response. My girls also got a little testy when I was pregnant, and I felt bad because I knew they would behave much better if I had the energy to keep them occupied. Our baby is 5 weeks now and the girls adore him. I have seen some increased whining and frustration tantrums since the baby has been born, but luckily my husband took time off to give the girls the attention they needed when I was busy with a newborn. Things seem to be going back to normal now. I also wanted to say that there are so many more ways to show your daughter you love her besides coddling boo boos. I like to brush off skinned knees too, it makes for a tougher kid I think.

Sounds to me like you are being very real and human. Pregnant woman at the end of their term are tired. And after the baby comes you will be able to move faster and have more energy, but the baby will be there.

Big dilemma.

Make sure you bring home special new toys for your daughter. Plan time to spend time with her when the baby is sleeping. Enrolling her in a preschool may help.

You are really doing the best you can and feeling guilty that you are not doing more is kind of a woman's normal reaction.

Do not feel so guilty. Love your daughter the best you can. Cuddle with her on the couch--not the bed. Remember to tell her that you love her after the baby comes.

You are doing just fine.

Congratulations with the new baby.

I'm so right there with you. My dear dauther that at 2.5 was great at restaurants and so polite and loving has increasingly started to ingore her choices we giver her or not respond to our direct questions. I always try to get eye to eye and keep the questions simple and consequenses simple as well (you can choose, if you don't respond by x you get this) but you have to follow through and then the tantrums are crazy wild compared to 2.5. The hardest part is controling your own emotions but I agree it is best to try to keep a level head. I try to count without yelling or just repeat back to her that she is sad or angry and also that mommy is sad or frustrated but that we still love her and when she is ready to talk we will be there to listen and help (but not when she is wining or crying). Now she keeps it going for long periods - but she will also just go to her room to cool off too and I often find that like a previous poster said after she cools off she is almost always understanding that she could have contributed to the situation better and almost always appologizes without us even asking. Still.... I seriously HOPE that this is a phase as others are suggesting becuase this is by far the toughest age I have delt with yet and I'm also preggo and will be due when she is 3.5.

It's hard for kids this age to express themselves and feelings, even in toddler language. i'm sure there are books on it, though I don't have any titles offhand, and you probably don't have time with the new baby just around the corner. I would suggest keeping in mind that you want to nurture here, and support. She is very young and is still dependent, and will be for a while. And different kids have different needs for different lengths of time. You may need to comfort her for a little longer than a friend did her child. You are the adult, and should be able to control your "short fuse," and can practice that. Children are incredibly sensitive to an angry (or other emotional) parent, and it affects them greatly. but this also works in the positive way, that they are sensitive to your happy, proud, encouraging feelings. Try to feel the reward when you see her react to those emotions, and try to connect with her fears and insecurities, and you will know better how to support her, help her feel confident, needed, and included.
Best wishes

I just wanted to let you know that when my daughter was about that age she also would not respond to direct questions. Especially when the answers seemed obvious (at least to her) "What's your name?" "How old are you?" In fact, it seemed like the harder I pushed her to answer the more determined she became to NOT answer. I enlisted her preschool teacher for help, because I thought it might be just something between the two of us. But no, her teacher told me the same thing happened whether I was there or not.

I think the most important thing is not to push it too hard. My daughter eventually grew out of this and now she talks to almost everyone and answers all sorts of direct questions, maybe it's kind of intimidating for little ones to be the focus of questioning.

I've found the most effective way of communicating is to play dolls. Pretend that one doll is the daughter and one doll is the Mom. You can get insight into all sorts of situations by playing both roles. Plus the child is playing, they are not actually answering any questions, so they don't feel like they are in the spotlight.

Hang in there! My son is three years younger than my daughter and sometimes I felt like I was crazy for doing that to myself. But now when I see them play together or snuggle I feel so happy that they have each other.

I reada few of the responses so I may be repeating. My first and second are 3 1/2 yrs apart and second and third are almost 3 yrs apart. I incduded the older in everything that had to do with the baby, even dr appoinmtments. Even at such a young age they get a kick out of hearing the baby's heartbeat. I also think this helps them understand tha there is really something in mommy's tummy that will be here soon. I also went out and bought my son a boy baby doll (it came with change of clothes, bottle, and diaper). I believe this helped hi see that babys need alot of care, I even showed him how to hold the baby. Also I included the older sibling(s) in the care of the ba, such as getting diapers, wipes, etc anything to make them feel like they were helping. It was a great age gap and they still are very close and helpful to the other.
Yes you oldest will have an adjustment period but the best thing you can do is include her in everything possible. Show her she is just as special as the baby and praise her for being able to do big girl things. One pmore thing, I let the older siblings pick out a small gift each for the baby that they gave to him/her at the hospital (ours let them put the little toys in the bassinett, and the loved that). We also bought te older a gift from the baby that they got right after the birth.
These are just a few duggestions. About how she is feeling now, just give lots of love and support. It will be fine!!

If you put her on the spot by asking her direct questions and she seems uncomfortable, then it is probably the least effective way to get her to open up (very good at slamming the door shut actually). This will apply to her all ages, especially teenage years. Instead, relax and let her open up to you when she's ready. Listen for those opportunities, and then shut your mouth. If you are listening and observing, and not talking, she will tell you what's going on in one way or another.

Also, baby her, love her, cuddle her, spoil her, indulge her. Studies show that children become more independent when their needs are met, and if the need is denied they become more insecure and fixated on getting that need filled!

Also, I made the same mistake of thinking my son needed to be more independent before the baby, but it doesn't work that way. You need to fill her reserves with tons of love, attention, cuddling, focus and attention in order for her to get through the desert of mommy's attention that will be the first 6 months of baby's life. I also relied too much on others' help with my son BEFORE the baby was born and that was a mistake because he needed me then, when I was still available for him. If you're tired, get help everywhere else, except with spending time/attention on your daughter.

Let go of the little stuff and relax your standards. I, too, felt that all of the things I was enforcing were extremely important for a well-adjusted adult, but later realized that enforcing many ideas can actually be counterproductive. Let them live a little more than you were allowed to as a child -- that is probably what is holding you back from 'spoiling' her more. This is very difficult and counterintuitive to do, but it will pay off in the long run.

A good hint I've noticed is that when I've reached the end of my line or when the kids are going crazy, sometimes I need to do something for *MYSELF*. Ever notice how when you're really happy or having a good time the kids tend to be happier & well-behaved too? Bottom line: you relax, she relaxes.

Good luck and congrats on #2!