Help Me with My Filthy home...please!!!!

Everyone had such good ideas. Perhaps the Flylady website could be of use to you too? It's a website specifically for people who need help getting their homes in order and keeping them that way. If you read through the website, she breaks down how to get started. Good luck! You can do this!

http://www.flylady.net/

Here's where you get started:

http://www.flylady.net/d/getting-started/31-beginner-baby...

S., you do sound depressed. Are you in therapy? That and a trip to my MD would be my first step. There's no shame in starting on an anti-depressant. My next step would be to hire someone to come in and help you weed out, clean and organize. Get that house back in shape first, then chart out a plan to maintain it by doing one "chore" a day. I've seen discounted Groupons on this service before, if that makes it an easier decision for you. I wish you well and sunnier days are ahead, you just need to move forward and get help.

I understand what you're describing. This has happened to me. After my marriage ended and both of my parents died I also switched from being overly conscientious in housekeeping to hardly keeping house at all. I've had difficulty with depression all of my life. I, now have the depression under control, thru medication and counseling but I'm still having trouble keeping a neat house. I, too, have piles of stuff all over and just a wide path through the rooms.

I began working on clearing this out last summer. I also cleaned out my garage. I sent a truck load of stuff to the dump and a truckload of stuff to a thrift store. I've lived in my house 30 years and became a bit of a hoarder along with my depression after my marriage ended.

Then my cousin, who shared my house with me for 20 years, was diagnosed with cancer and died last month. Just a few weeks ago, I realized that I don't remember when I last mopped my kitchen floor and it's very dirty. It just seems like there's too much to do to even get a good start on cleaning my house out. I'm no longer depressed to the point of not doing anything but I'm busy doing so many things that are not only much more fun but also more rewarding and even necessary.

I make plans but then a crisis comes up and I have to spend time dealing with the crisis and my plans go by the wayside. This time it's handling my cousin's property. I'm his personal representative in his will. And helping my daughter who is having a difficult time with pregnancy. I'd much rather spend time with my grandchildren then clean house. I spend a lot of time with them.

What I've been told by my counselor is to schedule specific time to do a small specific bit of cleaning. Tomorrow I'm going to mop my kitchen floor and arrange for the transfer of money so that I can begin paying my cousin's medical bills. But if a friend calls and suggests lunch, I'll do that instead. Sigh! I'm just depressed enough that I allow something fun to take over my time.

Have you tried to think of why you've let this happen. For me, I was a very good housekeeper and equated that with being a good wife and mother. I had difficulties in both those roles which I think caused me to stop being a good housekeeper. Keeping house didn't work so why do it sort of feeling. Intellectually I know that isn't helpful. So, I still have much psychological work to do.

I've also always been a procrastinator. This is a big reason why I don't follow thru on plans. So, this past week, I've worked once more on a specific plan. Hence my plan for tomorrow. I've written it down in my planner and have told myself that I will not get side tracked. I'm going to go thru my planner and write down one specific job to get done for each day. I'm allowing 1 hour to do it. I've been told that if I do that and keep my resolution to complete 1 hour each day, I will eventually get the job done.

I know that once I get started and see progress I'll step up my time and effort. In one month last summer, I had a new driveway installed, the house painted, new fences, and cleaned out the garage and part of the basement. In one month. I suspect I might've continued if Keith hadn't been diagnosed with cancer. That did take the wind out of my sails.

So....first, get started on an antidepressant and with a counselor. Then make a plan.

Choose one part of one room to get clean/straightened out. Perhaps clear off the sofa and chairs in the living room. I put things that don't belong where I find them in a box(s) first. Once I get the area spiffed up and usually at a different time, a plan for another day, find homes for those things. I do put obvious things away at the time. Things like clothes, shoes, books; things that I know where they belong and are easy to put away.

This would be a good goal for the first week or two. Then focus on the tables and floor. This is just an example.

For me, mopping the kitchen floor will be first. Then, I'll clear off the kitchen table. I'll feel good if I get this done by the end of next week. I've found that it's important to allow a generous amount of time to completion so that I will feel good about what I've accomplished. That gives me energy to keep working.

And it's important to do something fun during that time also. For me, I'll have lunch with a friend, go for a walk, go to the library, or even just eat lunch out by myself.

Thanks for asking this question. I'm inspired once more.

Know that you can do this. Life will get easier when you get your depression under control. And.....accomplishing a few small tasks will also help with the depression. Be good to yourself. Do not berate yourself for getting to this point. Brag on yourself to yourself. Each day, write down 3 good things that happened that day. They can be simple things such as hearing the birds sing, baby taking a long nap unexpectedly, husband giving you a kiss. Once you start thinking of the positive things in your life, the negative ones will be less important.

One phrase that I learned in counseling that has helped me a lot is "I'm doing the best that I can do, at the moment." I know that I want to do better, not need to but want to, and I focus on what I can do instead of what I haven't done.

Well, when I feel overwhelmed, it's hard to get started. I can imagine, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel overwhelmed. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I usually need help.

I think therapy is a good start. I'm proud of you for reaching out, for asking for help, and for admitting you have a problem. That's also a good start!

For your house, I'd suggest hiring some help. I know it's embarrassing, but you know, it's not going to get better unless something changes. It would help to have some extra hands because, from your description, it's really, really bad. I don't know how you're supposed to tackle it without assistance.

Hire some help and rent a dumpster from your garbage service. Also get a lot of garbage bags and boxes for things that need to be given away. Get childcare for a few days. Plan on being fully to this project until it's finished, so clear your weekend calendar and, if you can, take a few days off work. Perhaps you can find a person to do laundry, non stop, at a laundromat where it will go quickly and stay separate.

Then start cleaning room by room. Be merciless. Think how it will feel, to look around and see carpet. Get rid of as much as you can.

I think that's what I'd do. 'Cause, for me, I wouldn't see the point of just doing an hour here or there. I think I'd need to clear it all.

Good luck!!

I've never been a good house keeper even when single, and now I'm a single parent of three young kids, so a few years ago, parts of my house got way out of control. I simply could not purge the stuff coming in the mail for the kids (from friends and relatives at holidays/birthdays) plus mail, plus old stuff from my past shipped to me by my dad from his basement when he moved...it was like all this stuff that wasn't immediate like laundry and dishes just SAT THERE for years while I couldn't make head way past the daily stuff. PLUS the daily stuff was always ten steps ahead of me while I chased three tiny kids with no help and a travelling spouse.

I know getting help cleaning won't solve your depression issues or the "root" of the problem, but I really recommend it. I finally hired a local personal organizer (and she so wasn't a real professional or very good but having her there costing money MADE ME get through three majorly problematic rooms in a few days). This was such a HUGE load off my mind and helped me so much. I'm not a shop-a-holic-so I didn't refill in the mess once it was gone. Those rooms are still orderly. We didn't make it to the basement though and that sat there for another year until I took a month last summer to clean that out. EVERY DAY for a couple of hours I systematically went through the stuff until it was empty. Another huge victory. My husband (ex) travelled but I told him on that "break" he HAD to let me do it and he had to take over the kids so I could.

The organizer was expensive and I did all the work while she sort of sat there asking me where I wanted everything (hello-you tell me??!) , but I NEVER would have done it alone. She was a stranger so I didn't care if she saw all my embarrassing stuff.

I still have one room of stuff I'll "sell on ebay one day" but the rest of the house is pretty good-just daily messes from kids and I often have a few laundry piles that need folding for several days before it happens, but not a crisis. I just cleaned out a bathroom of a bunch of extra things. It took an afternoon and I put it off for months but I did it. I can have guests into my living room with about a half-hour's prep.

You need a little bit of self forgiveness, a little bit of acceptance that it will take time and a little it of HELP!

If you can beg for the money to get an organizer DO IT. If you can enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member DO IT. Ask someone to sit with you while you do this and offer something in return. Share you feelings and ask for help. Get that house cleaned out and THEN tackle therapy etc-but you may not need it. Sometimes all you really need is a fresh start (clean house) to get you back on track.

One of my favorite tricks to clean trouble spots is to MOVE all the stuff somewhere else to go through it so it has to get done. That way you have the instant reward of the clean area, and it's easier to sort the stuff all from one spot. Weekly my dining room table is full of mails, bills, art projects whatever. A pile on the table and the sideboard and some shelves is always forming. I take ALL THE STUFF in one big 30 second swoop and dump it into a large box so the tables and surfaces are instantly EMPTY. I then take the box to the middle of the living room floor and go through everything-trash, files, bills, etc. You won't put junk back into a clean space, but it's hard to pick through the junk where it sits. Same with upstairs floors-I'll take one huge "problem area", CLEAR IT, and put everything on my bed. That way I can't go to bed until I trash, donate, fold, everything.

Get help and use that tactic for upkeep. Good luck, you are not alone. This is hard for EVERYONE without a budget for cleaners, assistants or just "neat" personalities with no motivation problems. The rest of us struggle!

I grew up in a house like this. I am going to be very blunt. You need to get medical help because your depression is causing this. Find a doctor to help you, to listen to you. Get medication. Then you will begin to have energy and motivation. It won't be easy, but it will get better. You are going to need to get family and friends to help you clean up the clutter because it will be very easy for you to become overwhelmed. Let them help. And do not give up. You are not a bad person. You are a person who is overwhelmed right now and need help. There is nothing wrong with that and beating yourself up will not help you or your family.

If you feel that you are depressed than you probably are. Talk to your physician about getting that under control.

Then don't look at your home as one monumental task. Break it down into smaller tasks and ASK FOR HELP. I'm not sure how many are in your family but they should all have a task that they are responsible for.

Address one small area at a time. Maybe everyone could pitch in and work on getting the laundry cleaned and put away.

To be honest, I get the most done in small amounts of time. For example, there may days that I have all day to clean, but I'll get the most done in those 20 minutes before the afternoon bus arrives home or in the morning before we have to get out the door.

You are a good mom. Now take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.

My background has a lot of psychology in it and I am going to tell you what "I" think. Please consider it and if it fits think about it from that standpoint. It might help. If it doesn't fit then just disregard....

People who have OCD often are super housekeepers. Then an item gets out of place and something is going on where they can't keep up with the responsibility of keeping each item in it's home spot. They get another few items out of place then all of a sudden there are a lot of things out of place and they don't know what to do and shut down.

This is often when they go from being a spotless homemaker to a hoarder. You just look around and don't know where to start. It's very common for this to happen. It's not something you have to live with, I know you can overcome this. I also know it will take learning new habits and working to build your self esteem again.

I hope this will help you to understand the "why" part of what happened. OCD means everything has to be out up and when it gets out of control your brain shuts down and you cannot function anymore.

I suggest that you set some small simple goals. Like clean off one chair this week. That that chair does not get laundry in it again. It will happen of course but your goal is to think about that and make yourself stop the next time you think about it.

Then when that is working pick another task that is doable in one day. Perhaps your desk or your bed. Something that is needed and that you can do in one day. Then break the cycle, don't put anything back on it. That's the hardest thing for me. I always keep flat surfaces covered. I catch myself just putting stuff on them, almost like I need to keep them covered.

I set a few goals and worked on them maybe 15 minutes per day. I am still a bad housekeeper but I am able to manage a little better. If the new doc has medication as an option you might want to consider the meds for OCD> they are wonderful.

Hello from one S. to another! :)

Depression is probably the root of the issue. I do want to tell you that you are not alone. I am not "good" at cleaning. Cleaning and organizing don't come easy for me and a messy house actually makes me depressed and anxious and steals my motivation. Nasty cycle, isn't it? I'm doing much better about being able to keep clutter at bay, but sometimes I would cry so hard when I was cleaning that I could hardly see what I was doing! It did get better though, and I started feeling so free every time I completed a task.

You have gotten some great advice here. Sending you a hug, and praying you have hope for the future. You can overcome this! :)

That's hard. One, please see a doctor about your depression as well as a therapist. It's common to need antidepressants as well as therapy to kick start your body back to normal. Two, pick just one thing or one small area a week to totally clean. Donate or throw away anything you have not used in the last year. Purge purge purge!

I think you need to deal with the depression first in order to make any kind of progress in your home. Make an appointment with your Primary Care Provider to discuss the possibility of depression and perhaps hoarder tendencies (hoarding is one way OCD can manifest itself). I know you probably don't want to think of yourself in terms of a hoarder, but what you are describing sounds a bit like the household I grew up in, but it sounds more severe. We were always able to use our bath tub, and our situation was never that terrible, but since I moved away (I was the only kid who ever cleaned the house), my parents' home has gotten worse.

ETA: I'm so happy for you that you had such a progressive day! It made me tear up, because I know how hard it can be. You sound like a wonderful person and you deserve to have the kind of home that makes you proud, and helps your family thrive. Way to go! Prayers for continued success!

You need to get rid of the clutter. You are drowning in it. I don't know how to motivate you, but you have to be willing to let some of your possessions go. And yes, I think you might have OCD.

Good luck with it.

Call over a good friend to help you sort through your things.

Yes you are depressed. I don't know if you need medicine, but you DO need a schedule.

Saturday - laundry/clean kitchen
Sunday - finish laundry (if needed)
Monday - clean the living room
Tues. - clean the bathrooms
Wed. - clean Kid 1 room
Thurs. - clean Kid 2 room
Friday - take a break

Dishes - this should be a family chore after each meal. If you have a dishwasher, each person should rinse their items and place them in the dishwasher. Run overnight. Put the dishes away first chore of the morning.

Start small. Start with the laundry. Clean off the bed, make the bed. Then take each pile of clothes in the living room and sort through them. Keep or Trash.

As you sort through them for the keeps, sort them by colors. One pile for each color. The Keep pile is stuff that your family still wears, needs (uniforms). The Trash pile should go straight in to trash bags. As a bag gets filled up, it should be taken down to the trash can.

Once you have sorted all of the clothes put them in a clothes basket, or just piles on the laundry room floor. Once a load is fully done, put it away in the dressers, AS SOON AS YOU TAKE IT OUT OF THE DRYER!! I have found that if I take the clothes straight from the dryer, to the closets/dressers, that they have a 99% better chance of getting put away, then if I just leave the basket to sit there. Putting away clothes, per load, usually take at most 10 mins. Which, broken up during the day, goes WAY faster than sitting in a room and trying to sort through 5 baskets of clothes at once.

Bedding - I wash all of our bedding once a week (we have a dog and allergies). Since the kids NEED sheets to sleep on, the beds get made AS SOON AS THEY COME OUT OF THE DRYER!

It's symptomatic of inward chaos, IMO. So you take it step by step. You don't move mountains all at once. One thing I think you should do is find a good therapist and get treated for the depression or whatever else is holding you back.

Then with that therapist and your family, form a plan. How to clear the clutter. How to let things go. How to maintain a cleaner home. How to support each other so the burden isn't all on you. It will take time, and you will need physical and emotional support, but it can be done.

Other than getting an assessment and care from a mental health professional, nothing is going to help you. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but if you are suffering from depression or other mental health issue, you need to get treatment, same as if you were suffering from gallstones, diabetes or any other medical condition. Your house isn't going to get better til you get better, and if you suffer from any mental health disorder, you are not going to wake up better one day. Having a friend over to help you clean isn't going to cure your depression. Please seek treatment. Don't "plan" on it. Do it. Start making the calls today. Ask your primary care doctor for referrals and act on it now.

Hi S.,

I as most of the other responsers know the feeling. You need to see someone. I would also suggest you try flylady.net as well. She can help you set up babysteps to get you started once you are ready to get back into the nick of it. But you are the only one that make that first step and I think by noticing that you have this hurdle is it. Once you notice it I think that means you are ready and open to fixing it. I have been seeing someone and I can tell you it helps so much. Make sure you institute a support team for yourself, and remember making sure you take care of yourself is the most important part of taking care of your family!

Hi S., I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and all of us let the house go from time to time. You've taken the hardest step by reaching out for help. I think you need to talk to someone about your depression and rest will fall into place. You can do this, it's not too big. Good luck!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Let that go.
Now do things in steps so you're not overwhlemed.
First tackle the most important thing...getting the stuff on top.
Put the clean laundry away.
Take dishes off counters. Put dirty dishes in dishwasher, start it.
Don't worry about the company....that comes later.
Tackle the mess then tackle why you feel this way.
Maybe even making an appt w/a counselor.
Throw trash away in a garbage bag you hold as you make your way
through your house.
Put away any clean clothes.
Eventually (in a few days) you will put the chairs back where they should
go for seating & your bed bk in your room.
the piles of stuff lining your walls...go thru them one by one, little by little.
With those you will: toss in trash, set up a donate box, put away etc.
Put some things you no longer want in the garage for a sale later
Once you get the "stuff" cleared out, your routine should be do dishes,
laundry, tidy. Repeat. Nothing too strenuous. Then you will add clean
bathrooms, clean kitchen, vacuum etc.
see a counselor.
Then tackle other things like family, issues you have yourself etc.
Hang in there. Take it one thing at a time, one step at a time and one day
at a time. It will get better and change. You can get it all back on
track.
Don't bring anything new into the house.
Best wishes & best of luck

Hi S.! You already the took the hardest step by accepting there is a problem and that you need help. Next, find a therapist that specializes in hoarding. There are really effective strategies out there so please get the help and support you and your kids deserve. You can do this Mama!

S.- what you are describing sounds a lot like classic hoarding, especially if you have trouble ridding or letting go of the clutter. In this case, it's more of an OCD and/or anxiety disorder in addition to depression. You will need help from someone that specializes in this type of disorder to overcome this. Not only is it unsanitary, it's very dangerous and a fire hazard. I'm not judging you- my brother is a hoarder, but his comes from more of an ADHD emphasis. I do sympathize deeply with you, because I see first hand how this affects my brother's quality of life on every level. I worry about him every day.
Just start with a mental health evaluation and go from there. Good luck!

This is kinda where I am right now, and I know the biggest thing that helps me: my kids are 6 and 3 and have responsibilities around the house. Not all the house cleaning falls to me, and THAT is where you need to start (I can't believe no one has mentioned this yet). Yes, getting a mental health assessment done is important, as is finding a support group once you figure out if you are indeed suffering from a disorder, but your family needs a wake-up call. It's their house, too. They wear clothes, they eat off dishes, they have toys and clutter, etc.

It does sound a little like hoarding, but I think a lot of it is just you being responsible for everything.

An example of my kids' responsibilities (keeping in mind they are 6 and 3):
- 6yo puts away the silverware from the dishwasher
- 6yo takes the recycling from the house to the can twice per week
- 3yo puts away the kid bowls from the dishwasher
- putting their dishes in the sink/garbage/compost after meals
- putting leftover food (banana peels, food wrappers, etc) into the food scraps bucket
- putting their clothes in a laundry basket
- bringing their laundry basket to the laundry room on laundry day (sometimes two per week)
- helping take the garbage cans from the house to the curb and back
- all toys get put away in their proper places EVERY night (VERY few exceptions)
- hang up their own jackets
- put their shoes on their shelf
- keeping their room cleaned up

After all that, they love to help clean, so they get to help sweep and mop the floors, make dinner, gets plates out, etc.

Give yourself a little bit of a break, and make a list of everything that needs done. Systematically go through that list, and try not to procrastinate. My issue is procrastinating, telling myself I'll get to it tomorrow. Well, there will be other things to do tomorrow (always will!).

Good luck with everything, and I hope everything improves for you!!!