Help Me Not Feel guilty...Please.

I feel your pain, except my husband owned a restaurant (still works in the business). Trust M. when I say that I understand 18 hour days for weeks on end. And years go by without a vacation longer than a long weekend.

They always think everything is going to fall apart if they aren't there. The other guys can hold down the fort, so to speak, until he returns. It's only a week, and I bet that incompetent cousin pays his dues a bit and won't be so incompetent when you guys get back ;)

Have a GREAT time!

Dont feel bad, the farm can take care of itself for a couple of days. My husband farmed for 10 years, it's only as hectic as you make it. Your husband, since he's not used to doing anything at all but work, is probably J. totally uncomfortable out of his element. It's awesome that he's decided to go which tells M. that deep inside he KNOWS he needs a couple of days off.
Seriously, if he got the flu or broke a leg, would you guys lose the farm? I doubt it.
Have fun, talk as little about home and work as you can while on the trip, help him experience "stepping out of the box" so that he'll crave it more often.

I'm remembering my uncle's ranch in Oklahoma. I visited there when I was a teen. To put it mildly, there was always, always a to-do list. It never ended. Some occupations are extremely demanding, and farming is one of them. But you know that!

I hope it all works out. I'm also remembering my college best friend's father, who ran a mom-and-pop grocery store at the front of their house. They worked that store six days a week, early morning until late night, and her dad *never* took a day off... until my friend married. Then he (gasp!) closed the store for the weekend of the wedding. He had such a good time that he kept the store closed for another week and he and Mama took a little vacation!

But you can't close a farm. It has to keep going like the Energizer Bunny.

Try not to be defensive. Be very, very appreciative of your husband. Being away from work is a huge deal for him. The fact that he's doing it to please you is major. So if he worries about what's happening at home, appreciate that he's really being on *your* side. Let him call to check on things at the farm when he feels he needs to. A part of his brain will always be on the job. It's the way guys are.

If this trip can help your husband relax a little, it will good for him. And do you have a good friend or neighbor who would be willing to double-check on your FIL every day?

It's your call to decide when (and if) you let your husband know that you had guilt feelings about laying the guilt trip on him. Sometimes this opens an avenue for good conversation.

When you get home, you'll want to help to catch up with the work. Maybe you'll both be surprised to find that things have gone relatively well.

Sometimes life doesn't run pleasantly. ANY time, whichever and however one of you gets what they want, always remember that you're a team.

I grew up on a farm. Are there any nearby farmers that can come over J. to give a couple of hours to make sure things are going smoothly? That is what my family did. There was always a strong network among the farmers and when someone needed help they would go over and help out.

There were 4 of us kids and the farmers all helped that day on the farm so my father could attend our weddings. I bet if there are any nearby they would be happy to help out.

Sometimes you gotta do, what you gotta do. He has chosen farming as a way of life, but HE made the choice that he would come. So unless you and hubby want to foot the bill for a sub worker that is experienced enough to carry their weight then J. go on and do this vacation knowing it may be the last one for a while. I understand a farm doesn't stop but life doesn't either and depending on age this may be your shot. This being said usually a week this time of year will not make a huge impact in plantings and most crops right now are based on drying. The cattle will still need cared for, but other than that a fence that needed repair last week will still be there next. Enjoy your new found relationship.

Farming is NOT an easy life...it IS hard...because as you have lived, there really is no day off...no sick days - the fields still need tending, cows need to be milked, etc.

If you can find a reliable person to come in temporarily to help out - i would do that...I know dependable hired hands are hard to come by...however, you might be able to find one!!!

your husband does need time off and the kids need to see him outside of farming every day...it might mean triple work when you guys get back - but really - you gotta do something....

GOOD LUCK!!

don't feel guilty. You are important too! They can always hire on an extra hand for the week if needed.

Family time is important too. Life isn't all about work. This may become the most memorable trip for you, your husband and your kids. And memories are priceless and last forever!

Have a great time.

Forget the guilt. Feel proud that you are learning to take care of yourself and your family. Your husband is a dedicated son and hard worker. That does not mean he should sacrifice his life to the farm/Dad. Enjoy your time together on this trip!

Besides, as others said before M....... your husband made his own decision. If he had decide not to go I would have told you that ABSOLUTELY you should go without him. Life is short. Grab the ring!

Wow. DO NOT feel guilty!!! I think you did the right thing by having the "to hell with it" attitude. I would have done the same. Your family (husband included!) need a vacation and some quality family time. I understand he feels obligated to his responsibilities, but his family should be his main priority and in my opinion this family trip is going to be GREAT for you all! Everyone deserves a break and to be happy so here's to a wonderful, memory making, relaxing and well deserved family vacation for your WHOLE family!!!! Enjoy every minute of it :)

I have a feeling it will all be waiting for him when he gets back. Go and enjoy your well earned time together. Nobody is going to make this a priority if you don't.

You are not responsible for your husband's choices, he is. He decided to come--He wants to be with you and he needs a vacation. You are not responsible for the duties of others. If you husband worked it out with them then let it lie. All guilt does is take your energy away from other things. Enjoy your time with your family! And make sure your husband knows J. how much you appreciate this.
Enjoy!!
J.

Your husband has been working that farm forever and making hardly anything, I doubt one day is going to make a big difference...No pun intended. After the vacation, he will be refreshed to come back and hopefully be of more use to the farm and his father.

I would say for his 90 yr old father and 78yr old hired hand to be doing all that, they are pretty strong! It will give the "incompetent" cousin some time to become competent.

Go take the time with YOUR father. This opportunity might not present itself again! At least your husband will be coming back to HIS.

Not to disparage farming but it is physical not mental. I am sure the cousin can step up to the plate for one week regardless of competency. Heck maybe your husband will realize the world won't end and take more time off from time to time. :)

Well there is mental but the mental doesn't have to do the physical so I am sure your father in law can do the mental bit.

Life is a learning experience, you know? And sometimes we don't yet have the experience to know how much kickback we'll get from a situation until we initiate it. This may well be one of those moments for you.

I wish I could tell you how not to feel guilty. It looks like you threw guilt into the equation, and now it's either yours or your husband's to carry, IF you continue forward as the situation now stands. What I would be inclined to do is talk it over again with your husband, confess your discomfort, and offer him an out. If he feels bad about leaving his duties, graciously give him the option of staying home to work. Then he can do what he needs to do without feeling he's letting you down, and you can go off and enjoy your visit without feeling you've overburdened him or your extended family.

It may be, however, that he's considered the situation and realizes that something must change on the ranch. The current situation sounds pretty untenable for the long run, and his father may be asking more of your husband than is reasonable. It may be time to hire a younger man who can assist your husband to get the work done during more normal working hours. Your husband sounds strong and vigorous, but he's not getting younger, and every year of hard, physical labor puts him at greater risk of some disabling event.

So it could also be that this family opportunity will also be a chance for your husband to prompt some beneficial changes to his father's business and your family. You will know in the long run whether that's a good thing, and giving your husband some emotional room to work out his priorities would help enable the most sustainable long-term outcome.

Congratulations on your upcoming time with your biodad. I hope that is a fabulous time for you.

I wouldn't feel guilty about taking a vacation. He works too hard not to take a vacation. Make sure he gets to do some of the things he wants to do. That will help with the guilt if you know everyone is having a great time and getting a much needed break. And if he leaves and they realize how much he does and how much they need him, he may J. get a raise!
One thing to keep in mind for next year. As you well know, Farming and ranching goes in seasons. You seed in one time of the year and reap in another, depending on what your crop is. There are certain times of the year that are busier than others. Fall, again depending on the crop, is generally harvest. A VERY busy time of the year. From what I've seen around here, winter and summer are the times when farming and ranching is a little more chill. Perhaps next year, you all can plan a vacation around peak time.

I don't think you should feel bad. It sounds to M. like your husband is the type who works very hard and is probably considerate of the needs of his father and the work that needs to be done so if he thought he needed to stay home, he'd probably stay home. He probably wants to do this for you and that's okay...let him be there for you! No guilt. Go, have a great time, enjoy your husband taking a little time off to be with you, your kids and your father.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I understand. I put my vacations off and never take them because either I don't feel I have the money and or I have parents in my daycare that don't have backups. Like you, this is the life I signed up for. You J. have to do what you have to do. It's not going to help you to go away and think about home all the time. My advice is to figure out if you can separate yourself from it or not. If you don't shake off these feelings you and your husband will argue and you J. won't be happy with the time away. This is the main reason I always change my mind. I would rather do without than to feel regret later over going.

It is a rough time to go for sure with Fall J. getting here. I know you guys get winter earlier than us but still, maybe Thanksgiving week might be a better choice for such a long trip. Most everything would be done at that point.

If you are still going to go be sure to let the neighbors know so they can pitch in and help out if needed. A backup plan never hurts.