Help Me Help My Husband - Ann Arbor,MI

We see the same thing around us all the time. My neighbor has had more jobs in the 4 years I have known him than I have had in my whole life, they have been on food stamps but they BBQ Tbone steaks, his grandparents have made every house payment for the last 2 years (we live in a nice subdivision), and yet the wife is always out shopping buying new clothes and they both drive nice cars. It is frustrating but, the only thing I can tell you is that "things aren't always as they seem". I can't tell you how many times their water has been shut off or their electricity. There are things that happen behind closed doors that you may not see. I just remind myself everyday how lucky my DH and I are to have good jobs and that we earn everything we have. There is nobody making my payments for me and I don't have to worry about how I am going to make my house payment or electric bill this month. Be thankful for what you have and those who SEEM to have it all..................usually don't. :)

yeah, that is pretty disgusting. At least he has his integrity and pride, when he goes to bed a night.

If your husband doesn't like his life the way it is, he needs to make changes! He has options. If he is employed as an engineer, he can get a new job that doesn't require so much travel, for instance. We are all responsible for our own lives, to make them what we want. We don't have to accept that where we are is the best that it gets and just "count our blessings". Get out of the rut and decide what actions to take!

Blaming others, for how their lives turned out, is "taking the easy road". Making our life what we want it to be takes work.

And, you don't know what really is going on in others' lives. Not ALL people who are living on disibility are "dishonest and have no morals". My ex is living on disability both from the VA (disabled Vietnam vet) and from Social Security. He was electrocuted while in the Army and lost part of his right hand, along with burns throughout his body. Then, he had a 25 year professional career before his cyclical depression turned into Bipolar Disorder. He also fell off a bicycle, because of the weakness in his hand, and now has an artificial shoulder. He has arthritis throughout his body because of his original injury. Some of his neighbors will barely talk to him because they take an attitude like your husband's. They don't know what it is to live in pain every day, to take a half-dozen medications to relieve both mental and physical symptoms. He spends his time volunteering and with our three grandchildren and keeping his yard in good shape. He's made OK out of a not good situation.

Hard work is no guarantee that we get what we want out of life, but jealousy gets us nowhere.

Everyone has to pay the piper. Your husband will have a wonderful retirement and benefits. Your husband will have his pride of knowing he did not rip off anyone. Your children and you have pride in a hard working man. Their are many like him in the world. My husband is one of them also. I look at this way, most of those people who live like the ones you described will not live like that long. Money like that does not sustain your lifetime. Tell him to be proud he is not like them.

Your husband doesn't get to decide what people get and/or deserve in life.

Two - life is unfair.

Three - Can't control other people.

Four - Grass is never greener.

And finally, I would guess that there was a reason ex is an ex. If current husband wants to try and sue everyone, or become a janitor or obese person to game the system - he's welcome to. Alone.

Remind your husband of karma, it will come back around for those folks you mentioned.
On the other end though, has your husband considered looking for another job? His underlying anger seems to be at his own employer for keeping him away from home. (from what you've said).
If he is unhappy with his situation (work schedule) only he can change it.
And let him know the scenarios you listed are happening in every neighborhood of every city. Good luck.

I agree with what Daisey said. Your lives will be better off in the end from all the hard work. I know its hard now but try to keep your head up and your eye on the prize so to speak.
Maybe you guys could keep an eye out of a better job if it comes up. Does he have time to take a vacation? It sounds to me like the man is over due for some much needed down time. Even if you do go any place, its amazing what a little time at home with the ones you love the most can do for a persons out look.
Hang in there sweetie!!

I know what you mean, and that sort of stuff really frosts my nuggets too. However, it would seem that while your first 2 examples are people clearly taking advantage of "the system", the 3rd is more about a guy that was able capitalize on an opportunity. Sometimes it's about hard work, and sometimes it comes down to having at least little bit of good luck thrown your way. The guy lost his job but took those "lemons" and made lemonade. There's working hard, but there is also working smart. And sometimes taking a risk.

But I agree, your husband needs to let go of the notion of how unfair it all is, and realize that at least he has nothing to be ashamed about. He needs to realize he is being a better example to his kids than these other people are and focus on what he does have rather than what he does not. And oftentimes, for people who try to "cheat" their way through life, it will catch up with them in the end. Look at the woman in Detroit who was in the news a few months back - she was collecting welfare, then won the lottery. But still continued to collect welfare. She got found out, and has been ordered to pay back all the welfare money she was given after she won the lottery and failed to report her winnings to the state (not to mention being exposed and embarrassed to the public). My husband's ex-wife's father had his own side businesses (wedding photographer, etc.), typically got paid cash under the table, and didn't report it as income to the IRS. So they were living very well simply because they were hardly paying anything in taxes. But they weren't paying into Social Security either, or saving for retirement, so now they have to live in government-subsidized housing because they barely have any SS income to collect and it's all they can afford. They can't travel or really do much of anything because they don't have the money for it - all because of the choices they made years before. What goes around comes around.

Maybe your hubby needs to try to see what else is out there too for jobs - he can always look, then if sometimes comes along, accept it before leaving where he is now.

Sounds like he needs to get out and volunteer to help people who are worse off than him rather than moan about people he thinks have it better than him. Especially all the people that are now homeless because a health issue sent them into bankruptcy!

Does he whine about people who get to live off their parent's money too?

BTW, it sounds like your ex could be brought up on fraud...if he is really out on jet skis and doing other physical activities.

I believe that everything happens for a reason in life. It may take you a LONG time to figure out what the reason is..... but it's there. You can usually find something good in everything too, buried in the BS of life. I have a very long story and I DO understand the frustration. So here it goes...........................
about 14 years ago my husband had back surgery after a year of really bad back pain. The surgery was botched, and he ended up with a post operative infection at the surgical site. (MRSA) It was in his spine and his blood. It almost killed him. He was in the hospital for weeks, and had a Picc line that went directly into his heart valve for IV antibiotics for over a year after he came home. I was told 3 times to start funeral prep for him. They had to reoperate and clean up the site 3 times, and eventually the wound was left open and debreeded 3 times a day, which is barbaric torture if you have ever witnessed this. He was on so many different meds. and still the pain was intense. He has a hole type of scar on his back to this day. Yes, he is alive. He was out of work a total of 2 1/2 years, and WENT BACK TO WORK. He could have actually gotten disability, but didn't want it. He is the type of guy who feels like he isn't worth anything if he isn't working to take care of his family. So he is working. That 2 1/2 yrs gave him lots of time to get much closer to his kids though. They knew him, but he didn't know THEM as well as he does now. I worked from home running a preschool and daycare at the time, and he got to be with us and his kids all the time. I took care of him during his recovery. We are closer because of it.
Fast forward a few more years. I ended up with a severe back and neck injury, and could no longer work in my field. After a year of therapy and doctor's visits, it was deemed that I could not work any longer. (I obviously wouldn't choose surgery after what the hubby went through) Then, let's throw in some major issues with TIA symptoms. I was only in my 30's, so the doctor;s were not sure what the issue was. I was misdiagnosed with brain cycts for 6 months, and ended up having 4 major strokes and landed in the hospital for 2 weeks. I could have sued the doctors. I maybe should have. I didn't. I was just so happy to have recovered and to still be alive. We had gotten custody of our 2 yr old niece and almost 4 yr old nephew right before I went into the hospital, so I HAD to get better and get out. Now I had 4 kids who I needed to get better for. (there was nobody else to take them)
In the years since the 1st 4 strokes, whichwas in 2005, I have had 2 more major strokes, several TIA's,(My corotid artery was damaged) had my thyroid removed because of cancerous cysts, (which during the surgery they removed a couple of the parathyroids too accidentally and now I have major calcium defficiencies), I started getting migraines on a pretty regular basis, I have joint issues because of the calcium problem, and my teeth are literally falling apart because of the calcium issue. I have neuropothy in my left thigh which is very painful too. I applied for disability, reapplied, and got turned down. I know loads of people who get it for far less than I have. I could have gotten it if I had lied and said that I was an addict , but I refused to do that. My husband and I could get other "services" through the govt if we were no longer married. (I could get SSI) We choose to do what we feel is "right" and keep working together,( and staying together), and doing everything that we can to support our family. We do have a good life, and we get the reward of knowing that we live a good, moral, and honest life. For us, that is the way to go. We try to be positive and be charitible, and hope that we are doing the best for our family, and so far it seems to be working out ok for us. Honestly, I am alive, my husband is alive, I really can't ask for a bigger miracle than that, can I? All 4 of our kids are doing very well. We are very fortunate. I'm sorry for your husband's feelings about the neighbors, and I really DO get it. Just remind him that one day they will all have to answer for what they did in this life. I'm sure your hubby will feel really good about how he lived. :)

DVMMOM has a really good point in that the gentleman from your 3rd example took a bad situation and ran with it. Ever listen to the Dave Ramsey show? When people call in and say they've just been laid off he'll say, "Wow! That's so exciting. What are you going to do next?" And he really means it. His point is, ok, so what would you like to try now? What have you always wanted to do but been afraid to do?

As for the other 2 examples, they do sound like they've got it made and are living the sweet life. But, looks can be deceiving and happiness is not measured simply in material possessions. We just bought a minivan (yea!!!). We were both really excited when we drove it home, but you know, the laundry still needs to be done, the dishes still need to be done, the refrigerator is still on the fritz, the 3 year old still gets up way too early, life goes on. We're still very blessed, but not everything in our lives is perfect.

Has your husband considered looking for a different job in his field? Maybe he could find one with better pay or less travel or in a location with a lower cost of living? He has worked very hard to get this far, but it's not just about how hard you work. It's also about how smart you work. Maybe it's time to think outside of the box.

it is tough sometimes. i was having a similar conversation with my mom the other day - it seems we are some of the few people left in this country actually willing to WORK, and work HARD, for things we get. everyone wants a free ride these days, no one is really willing to WORK. sometimes it is discouraging working so hard and getting so little in return. i have family who sued because of a car accident, and just bought a house with cash as well. meanwhile we are renting and trying to save up.

but your husband has to remember, those people are not honest, and have no morals. you are doing it right. and things always work out if you do the RIGHT thing (i have to believe this). hard work is RIGHT. taking the easy road is not. it's that simple. sure there are people who genuinely need HELP. those aren't the ones like you describe, flaunting their assets and being lazy.

we are with you, in the hard working getting not much reward for it class. sometimes i am tempted to judge my life by others', but not very often. we sleep so good at night, knowing we are doing things right. knowing that while we may not have as much as some, we came by it honestly. your husband has it even harder having to be away from home so much. all i can say is if he hates it so much, make a plan to get him out of it. and WORK towards that goal. having a goal makes all the hard work easier. good luck!

I know lots and lots and lots of engineers. I can't tell you how many engineers I have known while married to my hubby. We live in a town where the main employer in an oil company, they have R&D and lots and lots of pilot plants with numerous projects going on. Almost all of the ones I have friendship based relationships with graduated from BYU.

They all make over $70K, minimum, and live in the nicest homes in town, take time off to go camping with their kids at youth camp, go on wonderful vacations, buy new cars every year or so for the wife, buy new cars for their 16 year old kids, pay cash for their kids to go to BYU if they don't get full scholarships, etc.....

My friend who I worked as a nanny for made, again...back in the early 90's, over $35K as a professor of Nursing. I was filing her tenure letter in her file cabinet and asked her what that meant. She explained then started talking about how amazing it was to her to see that in writing, how much she was making. She told me when she contemplated how much her hubby made it just about astounded her. He made 4 times what she made, "no" she said...." He makes almost 5 times what I make". In a time when minimum wage was still in the $4 range.

Even when my hubby worked there through the med 90's he made over $60K per year. We made enough money to have new cars every year, buy nice houses, had as many credit cards as we wanted, all the perks and benefits of a great paying job.

I think your hubby needs to start thinking of applying for new jobs. He sounds very much like a good employee and he needs to work for a company that will appreciate him and help him progress to where he needs to be.

I have a friend who grew up in Wyoming. Wanted to be closer to the slopes, her family, places the kids could raise animals in the back yard, have a childhood as fulfilling as her's had been. The had been in Oklahoma since he graduated from BYU and they were really struggling with not getting to go to Montana.

He had applied several times and nothing. He took classes, improved his skills, worked his hiney off so his bosses would feel good in recommending him for a job transfer with more responsibility and stuff.

They prayed and prayed, God would tell them "This is not your new job, it will be on my time, not yours". He kept applying and working to better himself. One day God told them the next job offer in Montana was going to be "The One". They excitedly got their house ready to go on the market the moment he had a job transfer offer. They had talked to the credit union and had the go ahead to shop for a new house in Montana, they started making plans for the move and getting rid of all the junk. They were getting ready to go.

He applied for some jobs with a different oil company in the MT area so he could get very good with his interview skills and be on top of it. One company called him and wanted to visit with him. They offered to fly him out and put him up in a hotel over night. He and my friend decided this would be wonderful, a free trip for him to go check out housing prices, check with the school systems to see what kind of scores the different ones had, all the "finding where they wanted to look at houses" stuff.

He went into the interview knowing he was not interested because he knew "God had told him the next job offer was his". He just knew he was going to get that job he had recently applied for within his current company.

They asked him what it would take for him to leave his current company. He just popped off a high number, more than the new job he was planning on taking at his current company. He figured it was so ridiculous they would never offer him a job.

His flight didn't leave until late the next afternoon so he took time to check out the area. He found a wonderful house at exactly the price range they knew they wanted, it was one bedroom too big so it was perfect. Has an extra room in the basement that had heat and air, it was a perfect food storage room, everything they wanted in a new home.

He came home excited with tons of pictures of this house and a couple of others. He was so positive they were moving very quickly.

The new company that he interviewed called him the evening he got home with a job offer for the exact amount he had told them, they offered to pay part of his move, it was the cream of the crop job he had always wanted. They were flabbergasted. How could this come up right when they were about to get a job offer through his current company????

They told the caller they would let them know the next day. They prayed that night and God told them, she says with a smile in his voice, "I told you the next job offer in Billings would be the one"...

They took the job offer at the new company and he has been so happy with the company and how they treat their employees, how they are more family oriented and try to work with them to help them in all areas of their lives. They work hard to keep them at home and if there is travel it is minimal and shared so that one is not doing all the traveling.

I would tell you that there are better jobs out there. There are also jobs for less pay that have less stress.

He needs to decide what he really wants and ponder it, make it a joint decision, then go for it. Apply for inner company transfers, find similar companies and apply, plan on moving to a new area, explore the world through work, he can have a better job.

Some of my friends have taken 1 or 2 year contracts and lived in London, Finland, Germany, all kinds of wonderful magical places to me. I have friends who move every 2-5 years for hubby's work and they love it because they meet new people and grow stronger as a family each time. I also have some that moved to one town and stayed 30-40 years until they retired.

Good jobs are out there, he has to make himself the employee that is desirable so he will get job offers to get them.

The grass always seems greener, but is it really?
The ex: Buying things and picking up chicks? Is that a good life? He is trying to fill a void with chicks and stuff -- and that doesn't work. He's actually quite an unhappy soul, I'm sure!

The medicaid couple: Again -- they have issues which they feed with food instead of working them out. Happy? mmmm... not so much, I'm sure.

The neighbor: He might look happy on the outside, but I'd bet he'd rather be working as the janitor...
LBC

I worked as an on the road salesperson and was gone Monday - Friday and hated it. My daughter's BF works on an oil rig 3 weeks on 3 weeks off and knows it will lead to a promotion in about a year to the office so he won't travel all the time. So I understand where he is coming from. If this isn't the lifestyle he likes he needs to start job hunting.
This may not be what you want to hear but North Dakota still has a very low unemployment rate, last time I looked it was 3.2%. They have tons of job openings with good pay. Maybe you should check it out.

As far as the people who cheat the system don't worry about it ------ Karma will get them in the end.

I don't blame him!

I have a niece who desperately needs SSD (she has a severe chronic condition) and has already been denied 3 times. Apparently so many people have gamed the system that it's become harder to get it when you really need it.

And SSD could run out as early as 2016: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-05-31/federal-d...

The laid off janitor - I give him credit for hustling with his buiness.

Sigh . . .

I know it's hard!! And I'm sorry that you have so many examples to give. It's VERY sad to see even one example of abuses to the system!!

Here's what is happening now - kids now see other kids doing nothing and getting money so they figure - "why should I work hard for it? He's doing nothing and getting money!!"

Tell your husband to stay true to himself and his values!!! These other people will eventually run their course and it will come back to bite them in the end...after all...Kinda like what Margaret Thatcher said all those years ago "the trouble with socialism is you eventually run out of other people's money"...so as we "progress" in the U.S. you can rest well knowing that your husband is providing for you and your future....while these others are sucking the very being out of our country...

All I can say is what comes around goes around and someday all of that will come back to haunt them. They will have to answer for all they have done and how they have done it. It is way better to take the honest route and be able to wake up with a clear conscience and know you have done the right thing. We could work the system because we have two children with disabilities but we don't we work our jobs, struggle and make the best of what we have. At the same time I know families with one child, high paying jobs and nice houses that get money for their kid's disability because they have worked the system. You tell him he is awesome for all he does for you and his family and that you respect him for taking the honest and hardworking route.