Help Me Control/discipline My Toddler!!!

The best advice I ever read on disciplining children was "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. You can get it through their website, http://NoGreaterJoy.org
It's commonsense stuff.

I am having the same problem. When my daughter and I go to the store she is screams and cries because she wants what she cant have, and she wants to get out of the basket and play around. She doesnt listen. So what I do now I just tell her if you start acting up, we're going to leave. which works for the moment. However I learned that you have to come down to her level and let them know who has the authority. I learned that you have to be stearn, not mean, but stearn. This is tricky, dads seem to be more intimidating, I would even suggest following his lead if all else fails.

S. that sounds rough! I went to this talk called Discipline Doldrums given by a mother of three girls.. two are twins. It was sooo healthy. I found it online...

go to www.watermarkradio.org
Top right corner, click the drop down menu and select the Parent channel.
Click on "view all messages in this series"
Select the talk 2-19-09

THREE resources that will change your life....merge them as they fit your family...

1. Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Trip (book on Christian parenting....GREAT SPECIFIC ADVICE)
2. Love and Logic....I have the whole early childhood package...really like the book "Early Childhood Magic...." and the DVD "Painless Parenting"
3. Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp (get DVD)

Consistency is the KEY. I know many people say that but seriously, she has figured out that you don't mean what you say or you don't have consequences that work. The first book is where I would start...NOW. You say 16 is the time to worry; research actually shows that after age 4 it is MUCH MUCH harder to change a child's behavior patterns. I won't say it can't change; it can. You will have to have a backbone and empathetic spirit to pull it off. Be gracious to yourself...parenting is hard; but it is so rewarding to have obedient and respectful children.

The most important aspect of discipline is being consistent. If you say she is going to time out, then put her there and keep putting her back until she stays even if takes 100 times. The more consistent you become in some areas, the more she will know you mean business and began to cooperate in other areas. Also, make sure you take the time to explain what you expect of her before you go out in public. Speak to her face to face and the smallest thing she does well compliment her on it. It will take baby steps and LOTS of patience, but you can have a child who minds you and acts appropriately when you go somewhere. You are so wise to choose to get a handle on the situation now while she is young. Good luck!!

I have researched parenting for the last 14 years! I know all about the strong willed child.

I HIGHLY recommend the following books:
*Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
*Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days by Dr. Kevin Leman
*To Train up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl of NoGreaterJoy.org--also articles
*Who's in charge here by Robert G. Barnes

and try this link to a plethora of others:
http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/cms_conte...

Good luck and hang in there!
~A.

*time-outs
*toys/privileges taken away for a week or longer
*give her chores to do to help her feel "needed" or "useful" (feed the dog/cats, help load the dishwasher, help make her bed), then give her a reward for doing those things; however, the misbehavior offsets that reward, gets taken away if she's naughty
*spend mommy and me time with her (Hey, let's you and I go to the zoo on Sunday; but if you misbehave, we can't go. I need you to be a good girl so we can enjoy our time together. I can't wait to go to the zoo with you!)

Hope those help.

Carolyn T.'s advice is EXACTLY what I was going to write. I wholeheartedly agree with what she said. The other thing I would add is to read "Parenting with Love and Logic". Good luck! B.

Get some Love & Logic resources. If you're like me, don't bother to get the book since you'll never find time to read it - get the CDs & put them in your car and listen when your DD is not with you! Have hubbie listen too. They have a free weekly email service with a quick tip of the week & a discount offer just for those who are signed up for the email. I recommend it. Their website is www.loveandlogic.com. They also have a toll free number that is answered by a real human being from 7-5 Mountain time M-F. They are big on choices & consequences - putting responsibility for choices on the kid!

There are always those who will insist on spanking. I tend to agree with the L&L guys (& some other experts) that it's ineffectual. If life or limb are involved, do whatever to save the kid for right then, but otherwise, I'd stick with discipline that keeps the kid concentrating on what SHE has done and not what you have. My DD is quite strong-willed as well. Try to remind yourself that this is a character trait of future leadership, so make sure you're teaching her well now since she'll likely be leading others before you know it.

They throw tantrums for attention. If she throws one in the store. Just let her. Pretend she is not yours. When she is done scoop her up and go on. Find out what she is wanting and do not give it to her. They want control but there are ways to give them choices as to outfits to wear this one or this one. G. W

You've already gotten some great advice but I wanted to throw in a couple of things as a parent of a (now 6 year old) strong-willed daughter. I learned early on to give choices whenever I could (do you want to ride in the front of the basket or the back of the basket). Do you want to have your doll for nap, or your blanket (no option on the nap). Basically by giving her choices I gave her back some control, but I controlled her options so it was win-win.

Also, seriously, pick your battles. If you set a limit you have to stick with it. There were many times that I would tell her to do something and then realize it wasn't worth the battle, but once you lay it out, you MUST follow through. I had to re-learn my parenting skills and I learned to let a lot of things go. Then, once I won some of the other battles, I took on some new ones, make sense?

Anyway, email me if you need to "talk" or have questions. I feel your pain, but it does get better.

Come on, Mom, get tough. You are the adult. If you don't have expectations of a child they will never rise to that expectation. She obviously knows she's in control. And I know I will get a lot of flack for saying this, but sometimes they need a pop on the behind to get their attention and to know you mean business. I didn't have to do that very often, but when I did, boy, they shaped up real quick.

Have u tried love and logic? Look online or a lot of churches have courses. I think it s a great program where they use up their energy instead of u becoming exhausted and it really works for me and my very head strong 3 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old.

good luck

My kid was like this - so I got in the habit of never telling her anything unless I knew how I was going to discipline her for noncompliance first. Always be ready. The other thing was to plan learning days. At this age I was doing things like taking her to the mall and telling her that if she [insert bad behavior], we wouldn't get to go to the playplace. On these days, I had no intention of shopping. I went to the mall, she would misbehave and then we would leave with her screaming she wanted to go to the playplace. Very educational for her and very easy on me since we did what I was planning anyway. Also, for motivation, I tried to have an activity for her to look forward to each D. like gym class, playdate, park, play area, etc. She's 6 now and my efforts have paid off!

S., All mothers have difficulty learning just exactly what works for each child because they all react differently. I was given a booklet when our girls were little that emphasized my consistency in disciplining them. The booklet can be found online by searching for "Under Loving Command" by Al & Pat Fabrizio. You can read it online, print it out, or you can order the pamphlets.
Hang in there! It is definitely worth the effort!

Maybe the reason she isn't listening to you is maybe you have given her ,her way too much! That can happen and I know sometimes its hard not too! But you need to be firm but loving with her. And if you have to raise your voice to get her attention do it! Another thing if you had been letting her have too much freedom well your in the store , Then she is gonna think she can do it everytime. In order for her to listen to you, you need to show her who's boss!!!! Don't give into her and give her things and you should start seeing a change. Also it helps when both parents are on the same page! That way when shes doing that stuff , you and your husband stand your ground and do the same punishment and that should work also!

Good-Luck hun I know its not easy! As I have a 2 yr old daughter!

Hi S.,

There is a great program called "Love and Logic" that might help. The website is www.loveandlogic.com. I used to have to sit on my one son to get him to stay in time out. He was not a cuddler so I used this time to hug and kiss on him for added punishment! ;-) This too shall pass... You're right, though, about the need to establish your authority during the window of time you've got before the teenage years.

Good luck!

M.

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over the next 2-5 years. Want to be one of them?
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Mention to her that you were thinking of taking her to (some place she'd like to go) but guess we can't go because she won't mind, and then don't go, no matter how much of a fit she throws. ( you weren't really going there to day anyway) Then the next time you go to grocery store, mention that if she behaves today, maybe, just maybe you'll take her to ----- whereever you had mentined. And as for the time out, I had three children that would do time out and one that wouldn't , so I had to swat her for whatever she had done, as I couldn't get her to sit in tme out, and although I know the swat didn't (hurt that bad) she would mind me. And you have to be consistant, or she'll soon figure out she can get by with it if she persists. Reward the good behavior as they say, and don't give in to the screaming and crying or she'll think that gets her , her way every time.

S.,
Don't make yourself out to be a bad mother. There are LOTS of challenges in being a mother and you are wise to reach out for advice. Also, sometimes when my husband says the kids are just fine, I think they are beastly. So it may be that you require more of your daughter, and thus get more heck from her.

Part of the program I teach for brain development is a social interaction program. The first step is to have a UNITED front so that all who care for her are on the same page as far as discipline. Then you need to choose ONE boundary and set both positive and negative consequences for that boundary. The boundary should be written in a positive way and apply to everyone in the family. (Example: instead of "No screaming & yelling" it would read "We speak respectfully.") Then carry out the consequences (BOTH + and -)without ANY waivering.

There is a WHOLE slew of extra stuff, including what an appropriate boundary would be for a 14-month-old child, but I can't really teach a whole class via email.

Please private message me if you would like more information.

Hi S.

I used to work with three year olds and I know this may sound silly, but have you asked her why she does this? I know you are thinking that she's ONLY 3 how would she know. But she does. She knows why she's acting out towards you and no one else. Most people don't give much credit to kids when they are that young, but they understand alot. It might be worth a try.

Kids are tough because they know you love them and will do anything for them. BUT they do need to know their limits. Going shopping I let my son sit in the cart and he gets to pick one reward item at the start. Now if he's good the entire time then we buy the item at checkout. If not it goes back. He does get to exchange for another toy or whatever if he thinks its better than what he has as we shop thru the store. The choice is up to him and he only gets one reward. Also, engage your daughter and have her help you find your shopping items or put them in the bags. As for at home I let him cry and have his tantrum. I put him in a room and tell him to stay there and cry. When he's done he can come out. If your daughter tries to cling to you like mine did I lock myself in my bedroom and watched TV for 10 mins or 15 mins. Then I opened my door to see my crying kid at my door and said "Are you done?" . He said yes and stopped his crying. That's when you give them a hug and tell them you love them but if they need something then to use their words and tell you. Not scream or cry at you. That was the end of my son's relentless crying trantrums. Good Luck. It's hard but it will work and tell yourself "This too shall pass..."

First of all, I am shocked at those that took a personal attack on you and/or your parenting skills. Shame on them!

I have a 3yr old son who is EXACTLY the same way. Man... I can't tell you how bull headed he is. He does not listen, acknowledge me, mind...or care. Kicker is.. he only does this with me. He listens to dad. I have spanked him. I have done time outs. I have locked him in his room. I have tried everything. I remain consistent with keeping him in his room because it is the one thing he cant stand. However, putting him in his room does not completely correct the behavior. Ten minutes later he is in trouble for the same thing. It drives me insane. Consistency helps.

I will tell you that I have to take a deep breath and offer him options. Offering him options make him feel like he is in control. I stop him, hold his arm and make him look me in the face and discuss the options. It slows him down some and it helps. I don't think there is definite solution. I think part of this is in their personality and age. As long as you are being consistent with discipline, seek a discipline that works and trying to find that happy medium between the two of you hopefully you will get through the 3's and 4's with some hair left.

Good luck and I want to apologize for those who felt it necessary to attack you personally.

I have a 3 year old son that I am dealing with the same thing he doesn't listen to his dad or myself. Just this week he was so out of control at my dads that i don't ever want to go back and that's family!! My doctor is getting him looked at for ADHD so that might be something you might want to talk to your doctor about. I have a 5 year old that doesn't act like that at all just my son so i am going to go ahead and take the doctor's advice and see what they say.

It's up to u to enforce the rules. no means no mom! If u say it u better mean it. She needs a spanking. U R THE PARENT rememeber U have the power!!!!! U can do it!

www.loveandlogic.com Kyle Bolton at the Keller Church of Christ teaches the course for cost, about $40. His email is ____@____.com, I think. We don't go there but drovw 40 miles round trip to take the class. Totally worth it. One of the mail principles is consistency. We get lazy and stop doing what we say in the discipline dept. Once they learn that there is not a consequence, we've lost! But there's hope! I really, really recommend it. $40, 6 weeks, they provide childcare, and you can get control back. There were parents of a 2-yr old there and it was a battle, but they saw progress daily.

S.,

Timeout can be a challenge...with our 2.5 year old I think we counted up to 18 times that she got up from timeout before sitting there for her 2 mins. I think if timeout isn't working for you then it's time to find something else that works. Try spanking her...it has to be done in love and not in the heat of the moment when you are all worked up. Whatever you find that works for you, you must stick to what you say and no matter how long it takes, don't give into her. It took a little while for my 2 yr to know that Mommy meant business, but now we are always getting compliments on how well she is behaved. She does what she is told, when she told and she is rewarded for it. Best of luck...this age can be challenging, but so rewarding.

It sounds like you aren't being consistant and the others are. If you put her in time out and she screams, put her back - again, and again, and again, and again until she stays for the time out. Have you ever watched Supernanny? Sometimes they'll show a kid going to time out for an hour because it takes putting them back for the entire hour before they stay. BE CONSISTANT! YOU ARE THE MOM!!

Wow you got lots of good information. Sounds like she needs a spanking. (not out of anger though). Who's the mom?? You are! Sounds like you are not following through and giving in to her screams, tantrums and so forth. The book To Train Up a Child has really worked for us. We have two children and used the book information on them since they were little. Has REALLY helped us. You can do it. It won't be over night, but be consistent and follow through with your statemnents you tell her.

The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's a great book and will help you control your words so your child can control theirs.

S., I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. My daughter was a bit of a stinker at age 3 also. We would leave the grocery store, with our cart abandoned in an aisle, when she started throwing a tantrum. It cut that out pretty quickly, because my daughter loved going to the store. When I would find a manager on the way out to tell them where our cart was, they never glared at me or gave me a dirty look--I guess they're used to restocking mamas' carts!

I don't mean to criticize you at all, but I will say that if your child gets up from the time-out chair, you just have to hold her there. Seriously. At her age, it shouldn't be a time-out longer than 3 minutes, and you can tolerate her screams for that long. She can't walk away from the consequences of her actions, and if time-out is the punishment, and she respects it at school, then she has to respect it from you. Buy some good earplugs. You shouldn't have to fight that battle more than two or three times before she begins to stay in the time-out chair. Oh, and I sometimes had good luck by putting my daughter's favorite toys in time-out. If she threw her doll during a tantrum, for example, I would say that the doll had misbehaved and had to go in time-out. I put the doll on the mantel. It bothered my daughter, but I would explain that the doll knew better than to throw things, and that the doll had to sit in time-out because the doll had misbehaved. One of my friends has thanked me over and over for sharing that discipline tip with her--it really works for her children!

Good luck to you.

Even tho' my kids are mostly grown, ages 12-24, I LOVE watching Super Nanny on TV! You should watch! This is how she teaches parents to use the time-out chair ((or time-out rug, or time-out step)). ONE - - you give a WARNING - - get down on eye-level with the child, lower your voice, explain what the child is doing wrong, and that if they continue to do wrong they will go to the time-out spot. TWO - - if child continues misbehaviour, escort them to the spot, get down on eye-level, lower voice, explain why they are there and how long they will be staying. THREE - - if they get up, without saying a word to them, escort them back and sit them down, and walk away - - WITH NO TALKING. REPEAT as many times as necessary. On one show, a mommy had to REPEAT about 17 times. FOUR - - when time is up, get down on eye level and ask for an apology and a hug. Do not let them leave until apology & hug has been given. After teaching this method to parents, the most common mistake SUPER NANNY must correct in the parents is that they forget to give a warning - - they just go right into screaming and dragging the child to the spot. Remember - eye level, make eye-contact, lower voice, give warning.

Your three year old will take you seriously when you take your responsibility seriously. I am assuming that, at three, she is smaller and not as strong as you. Given that assumption, when you go shopping, put her in the cart, do your shopping and let her scream until she is tired of screaming. Other shoppers will wish you went somewhere else to shop, but that is much less important that teaching your daughter that you will stand your ground. When you put her on the time out chair, stay with her and hold her there until her time is up. If you do it often enough and long enough, she will start to see that she doesn't have you over a barrel. If you are consistent with her, she will catch on in no time.

S.,
I have 4 kids and 3 are older. What works best is not getting on there level and letting them have the control. As the parent you have to be the boss and not argue with them. Less talk is best! Simply State your request and then tell them they have 5 seconds to obey or they are in trouble. Than you do the count down...1..2..3..4..5 and say it very stearn. If she still doesn't listen you must immediately take action...I lovingly put them across my leg and swatted their bottom. It didn't hurt but they realized they were not being good and kids need discipline not someome to constantly argue with them. Time out does not always work. Every child responds to different ways of discipline, find what works best for her.
But when they are out of control and just frustrating you, you have to get control and take action. You can't always reason with a child.
One way to get her to sit in the shopping cart is to reward her for being good. Say "if you are good and sit in the cart for mommy to do her shopping I will get you some MM's, but you have to mind"
It is hard to get that control back, but do not let her control you! Because once they get in the teen years it is alot harder than having a 3 year old!
Best of Luck!

Watch SuperNanny and put some of those techniques for setting boundaries, expectations and consequences, and be devilishly consistent! The life and future of your child depends upon it. Nothing else is as important. You are the parent. You are the adult. Your child is testing you nonstop and how you respond determines the outcome. Set consequences, and stick to them. Make her earn the right to go out with you, and when she breaks a rule (and she will...she will have to test you to see if you really mean it), immediately cancel whatever plan and take her right back home. Set the expectation and consequence again, and tell her that you will allow her to try again on another day. Be so determined, so quick to disallow disrespect that it makes her head swim when she sees how much you mean it. You have to make a believer out of her again.

When my daughter was about that age and would not listen to me at the store i would pinch her leg. Not very hard, just enough to get her attention. At the same time I would smile and talk to her through my teeth. (People don't see you disciplining that way) I would tell her that she needs to do what I say, or I would do it again. Do it a couple of times and then threaten her with a pinch. Example: Do I need to pinch you? (NO) Then stop what your doing, etc.... Good luck