Help I Think My Daughter Is Stealing from Me

Dear N.,
First, I would make certain that she is actually stealing the money. I would point blank ask her where she got the money that she bought her last webkins with. If she says she found it, or some other excuse, explain again how taking money that you find is "stealing", and that if you find her with any money that she did not get from you or her father then she will have to apologize and pay the person back that she stole from. Or you could try to catch her in the act, and explain again why it's wrong. Sometimes I think kids think "What's my parents' is mine too" and don't think of it as stealing. Ask her if she thinks taking a toy from a store without paying for it is wrong, and how that stealing is stealing no matter who you steal from. If she confesses I would praise her for telling the truth, but I would still make her apologize and pay the money back by doing chores, or ground her from webkins for awhile, maybe a week or two, since that what she is spending the money on.

Don't let her spend her money. Don't take her to stores and don't let her go out with friends that take her to stores.

You're doing the right thing by teaching her that stealing is wrong, but that might not be enough. You could try not allowing her to keep any new toys/stuff that she didn't clear purchasing with you first. So if she shows up with new webkinz and you didn't know she was buying them, you keep them. That way she would be forced to let you know where her money is coming from before she buys and would have a hard time getting one past you. It may sound harsh, but it is a consequence that will let her know you won't allow stealing/lying. You could also try holding her money for her and having her ask for it to make puchases, telling her that she will have to earn the right to handle her own money. That way it's not necessarily a punishment but a lesson in money management.

First let me say, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As a former "thief" ( elementary school age), the one thing that actually worked as a "punishment/discipline" for myself was when my parents would start "holding" things that mattered the most to me (in my little world). In the summertime, it was my freedom. I would be not only confined to my home, but I'd be confined to my room. No television, no phone, just bathroom and meals, and sit and "reflect" why I'm in trouble. So I started to read anything and everything I could get my hands on...until I was forbidden to read (that was taken way too, because I was obviously enjoying it!). But last and most important to me was my bike! I'm not sure how old you are, but let me just say that "back in the day", kids played outside and me personally..I rode that bike everywhere!! Anyways, I'm getting carried away, the gist of it is..If webkins is her "can't do without" thing, make her do without until she realizes the severity of what she's doing.

Granted, I don't have a 10 yr old yet, but I think I would become the "bank of Mom" and be in control of her money (with her help and understanding of why) until the issue in question is resolved. (also keep very careful tabs on your own). I understand wanting her to be in control of it, but how does a 10 yr old get money, if it's not allowance, or from the grandparents, etc??
If she is stealing (and using the questionable funds on Webkinz), she loses the Webkinz (returned to the store if possible), until she pays you back. Is she very clear on the fact that your money is not hers?? Maybe she thinks you're sharing :) Make sure she knows that ONLY money that is earned by or given to her is hers.

Take away her Webkinz for a specified period of time. But first be sure she understands boundaries and ownership. Kids have to learn that everything in the house doesn't belongs to everyone.

If you aren't absolutely sure she's stealing, you could set up a bait and see what happens. i.e. a marked $5 or $10 in a
key dish or dresser drawer, maybe even just left in your wallet. You could mark all of the money you have in your wallet, being sure not to give any of the bait money to her in her allowance, then check her stash for any of the marked bills. (a dot made with a red, green or black marker will do fine.) Once you know for sure that you have caught her red handed, and she can't wiggle out of the situation, I'm sure you will know how to handle the thefts. At the least I'd require lots of house hold chores for a month of Saturdays. It won't hurt her to be grounded, unable to shop, and work off what she has been taking. I'd also take away the webkins till her obsession with them is over. If that is her reason for taking the money in the first place, then she needs to overcome the addictive behavior they have caused.
I have 4 children, and over the years have seen addictive behaviors in each of them over different possessions. They didn't start taking money to feed the obsessions, but they did start lying and acting abusive towards each other when they were at their peaks. Taking away the item and giving them a "reality check" - a time of repaying for bad behavior- has helped on every occassion.
We still go through this from time to time with the younger two, but now they are all able to recognize the behavior in themselves and can do a self correction. (Two are now adults, the other two are mid teens.)
Also... do you go to church? She needs to know that not stealing isn't mom and dad's rules, but God's rule, and He sees what she's doing even when she's alone.
If you don't have a good church home, I'd like to encourage you to find one. You'll find wonderful support for you as a parent there. If that support isn't at the one you may be attending now, find another one. It's out there.
God Bless,
Lora

I think, if she is a good kid that I would try to give her a way to earn some money. So, a 10 yr old is very capable, dusting , vacuuming, washing clothes, dishes, combing the dog, reading with her siblings, yard work. She then get a voucher for a certain amt. At the end of the week, you deduct 1/2, which goes into bank savings, and take her shopping with your credit card. Do not leave or have any cash in the house, including piggy banks.
See what happens after a month. You have made taking too accessible and tempting for her. If you see a real difference in a month, I would sit down with her and hubby, alone, and just talk about how stealing is unconscionable, not to mention, against the law, and what would it feel like to have her webkinz stolen from her. Good luck. Please post a followup.

My son started this at 11, better shoes than we could buy, etc.Husband stopped leaving his cash on the dresser except for a small bit of ones. One night he went in and it was gone. After checking around sons room he found the cash under his pillow.Needless to say the boy was grounded and no tv or phone. He also was given more to do at home with no allowance until we were sure he'd learned how it was like to earn money.It sounds like entrapment, sure, but best to stop it now before she grows up and it could get worse. Good luck sis.

Sounds like it would be good for her to be separated from the Webkinz for a while - that's probably the best and most fitting punishment. It's like an addiction! That sounds silly, but adults steal and lie to support addictions, and that's what she's doing.

I would first stop keeping cash handy. If you want to catch her you can buy a camera for around $100. (I do like marking the bills advice!) But I think a very appropriate punishment: TAKE ALL HER WEBKINS AWAY! Say for 2 weeks. Then if she doesn't steal, lie, sass (whatever other beahvior you are dealing with) then she can have 1 back a week. I would also limit it to only so many webkins and give the rest to a friend. So if she wants to buy a new one, she has to give up an old one! She sounds like she is addicted to webkins! I have a nephew that is also a webkins fanatic and his mom finally put a stop to them at 20 webkins!

My kids also don't get give my kids allowance. I work by a point system. They get so many points for doing things around the house. No points for doing stuff they need to do every day (make bed, brush teeth, clean room) But they get a different chore to do once a week that they get points for and they can earn extra points by doing stuff to just help out (feed the dogs, take out the trash, wash the table, set the table, sweep, vaccuum, etc)-give it some thought, it would show your daughter how to earn "money" to buy the things she wants and stealing is no way to survive!

We had that trouble with our youngest child around the same age. She was stealing from my husband. First it was just the change he left on the dresser at night. She would go to the little store 2 doors down and buy candy. He started putting his change in a piggy bank. At that time we didn't know if he didn't know for sure if he had less change that he thought he had or if one of the kids were taking it. Then he noticed that he seemed to have less ones in his money clip than he thought. When he came up with a twenty missing he confronted the kids and our youngest confessed. She owned up to the change and the ones for candy and said she took the twenty to buy a friend a birthday present.(I am sure that was true she has always cared about others) We had always been active in church and tried to set a good christian example for our kids. She knew what she was doing was wrong and felt guilty about it.

We grounded her from the TV and phone for a while (I don't remember how long she will be 24 in September). I also had a long talk with her and expained that if she wanted to buy a present for someone's birthday to ask me and we would pick something out together. Even though times were hard back then. I explained that we had enough to buy small gifts for birthdays.

It took a while to trust her again an my husband changed where he left his money clip. Once she was old enough to get an after school job (with the rule that a B average had to be mantained and 1/2 of her money went into a college fund) we knew we had no worries. She even saved more that she had to. She worked part-time and saved while in her first two years of college. When I got a full time teaching position an hour away and my husband retired from his we looked for a home closer to work we borrowed $5000 from her to keep from dipping into his retirement tax deferred account.

She and I share a credit credit card now to help her with living expenses went she went to the 4 year college full time and didn't work. She has permission to by school supplies, groceries and gas to come home. Anything else she calls and gets my okay before she buys it. I always look at the bill and she has never tried to sneek a purchase by me.

She has come a long way. Don't give up on your 10 year old. Use the teachable moments and punish her so she understands consequences. But also make sure she know you love her in spite of her behavior and are disappointed in her behavior because you know she is better than that.

ooooo, you better nip that in the bud now.
I don't know what the appropriate punishment would be.
I would think first you need to catch her to show her that you know then I would probably take all the webkinz (whatever that is) away and her not be able to buy anymore for a certain period of time OR make her sell what sheh as to in order to pay you back for what she stold OR give her super extra chores enough to make up for what she stold.
I am not really sure. I haven't been faced with that but I do know that is something that can't wait. She can say she didn't do it and you don't have anyway to prove that she did do it and I would hate for her to be accused when she really and truly didn't do it so if I were you I would be extremely patient and sit some money out somewhere and set up a video camera and wait till you catch her.
You know my nephew did that one time when those pokeman cards were popular and come to find out, he was trading and he was getting more cards in trade for just one card that supposedly was worth more than all the cards he was getting in exchange (but he didn't realize that.) He was just excited that he was getting 5 cards for 1 card... or something like that.
So she may be trading another friend, you never know. Just be patient and set her up and see if she will take the bate. She may not want to tell you she is trading because you may make her give it back or something so she makes up an excuse when you ask her.
Good luck. I hope it all works out alright.

I didn't read other responses, but I do know tht we always taught our kids that if they did something wrong and lied about it, their 'punishment' (or disiplinary measure) would be twice as hard to take. Tell her this and that if you find out that she's been stealing AND lying about it, there will be severe consequences (and, of course, be ready to follow through with a pre-concluded set of consequences). You have to let her know that you still love HER, and that it's the 'behavior' that is intolerable. (This was kind of hard for me with my personality, but there are tactics that work).

Blessings!

P.S. We reared 4 kids next door to my parents (who watched them a LOT). My dad died at 89, and not long before he died he told me that one thing he appreciated about our kids was that they never bothered any money that was laying around. (Dad was a wonderful, dedicated Christian from the time he was 15, but he simply wasn't very generous with compliments, so that was a real blessing to me!) It IS possible to instill honesty and integrity into our young'uns!

P.SS. Now I read your other responses and it reminded me of another 'Dad' story. He was TOO 'non-confrontational', and some folks were 'stealing' plants ('ramps', if you know what they are) from his secluded homeplace. He said, "It'd be different if they asked for them!" I said, "May they don't know whose they are," to which he emphatically replied, "Well, they know they're not THEIRS!" How true. Make sure daughter knows what belongs to who, and discuss, discuss, discuss. If she says she 'found it', ask 'Where?', 'How much was it?', and keep asking questions until she has to specifically validate everything she's asserting. I also FIRMLY agree that she shouldn't be allowed to 'own' the Webkinz as long as this issue isn't settled.

to be honest with you, i did that once. My mom found out about it and the approach she took was she and i opened a bank account. I would put my money in there and she would help me watch it. that was the only money i could have. with you keeping an eye on it with her you will know exactly how much she will have and what she spends. if i would overdraw the account not only would i have to pay that back, but she would take my card away. i was a little older than your daughter was, but i defiantely learned my lesson from it. I overdrew my account and to this day, i keep a close eye on it and if i'm low i roll my change up that i keep in a jar and take it to the bank just in case i missed something. i'm going to do the same thing with my daughter.

Give her some more chores so that she can earn some money and at least you are getting something out of her getting your money. Or, Hide your money and see what happens, or count it and leave her alone with your money to see. Or, take the webkinz away until she comes clean with where she is getting her money.