Help! I Need Advice About Dividing My Family up Due to Job Across the Country.

I don't know why anyone would want to move to LA with the drought so bad out there. They will be running out of water in no time.

I would hire a really good lawyer and prepare for divorce. I don't see marriage counseling working in this situation.

My honest advice? He is not committed to making a family work with you. I would get a good lawyer and move on, let him have his California life. If he wants you to live as a single woman then become one.

your new husband sounds like kind of a jerk, i'm sorry to say. if he's going to be making a mill, why does he need you to support yourself without any help from him at all? it's not like your custody situation, not to mention your preferences, are a surprise to him, right?
honestly it sounds as if he wants out. and if his commitment to you is so sketchy, i'd let him. i'm sorry for you and your kids, though. it has to be disappointing to be so marginalized.
try to let go resenting the spoiled 17 year old. it's not her fault. daddy created her current situation, and she doesn't have the experience or world-wisdom to react in any way other than that of a spoiled teenager.
your husband is the problem.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

Did your husband know when he married you you could not move out of state because of the court order? Why would he pursue a job in LA knowing you can't move.

Regardless, the fact that he doesn't want to live with you, his wife is telling. I'm sorry but why stay married to someone who's actions show they do not care about the marriage.

It sounds like your new husband is moving on - and he's not taking you with him.
Staying with you is tying him down to your divorce degree - and he's not bound by it.
I'm sorry but it sounds like he is not committed to your marriage.
Just be prepared for divorce number 2.
He's treating you more like the maid/nanny and not like a wife or partner in life.

S.,

I am sorry that you are getting so blindsided and that you and your children have to go through this.

I don't know any delicate way to say this, but it sounds like he is moving on to a new life and wants to do that without any commitment to you and your kids. What a horrible deception for him to have pulled on you and how callous the disregard, not only for you, but for all the changes your children have had to endure recently.

Today---talk to trusted friends or co-workers to see if they can refer you to the best, most experienced attorneys who practice family law in your area. Do not ask any mutual friends because you don't want this to get back to your husband.

Don't even mention this or the word 'divorce' to your husband yet because it may send him into a more aggressive mode, legally speaking. He's busy with the job and move stuff now and probably figures he has a little time. In his mind, he already knows what his plan is and figures you'll be so behind the curve that he'll have the advantage. So, take this time now to do all of the behind the scenes information-gathering you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Tomorrow, make calls to a few of these attorneys and have appointments set to meet with them before you make a final choice. Again, do not mention this to your husband at this time. As hard as it might be to keep quiet, you have to see how important it is to use this time to your advantage to get all of the information you need to have the best chances possible.

I don't know the laws of your state, but if you have only been married a short time, alimony likely won't be on the table. However, that does not mean that you cannot get some sort of fair settlement in the divorce. That's why you need to trust the experience of you attorney and why you need a really experienced one.

It sounds to me like he wants you to get a higher-paying job now because he wants to use that information in the divorce proceedings to prove that you don't need any sort of settlement from him to live. While you will probably have to get a better paying job if you do divorce, that doesn't have to happen at this moment. This is where the advice of your attorney will be helpful regarding what you should do.

I truly am sorry for you and your kids, and while it must be so hard to sort through all of your feelings about this betrayal, it seems like going into self-protetive mode is your best option at this time. Call your best girlfriends for support; call in the attorneys for your defense.

J. F.

Husband #2 translation ( sorry)
This is his pre-divorce exit strategy. His daughter and money are his priority, drama and all. He's only had you for a short while.

I don't see how spousal support would be an option unless it was in your pre-nup. You may have has a nice short run at the wealthy side of life but that sounds like it's over. You have two children that need your care and access to their dad. It's time to go back to your old divorced life.

ETA: an interview is not the same as a million dollar job offer. Good luck with having him sign an agreement to support you if he goes even if you "fully plan" on it.

ETA: There is a big difference in being wealthy and being nouveau riche.
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So many red flags here. You married a greedy, selfish person with spoiled, entitled children. I would not be able to live in a situation like that money or no money. Hopefully you have enjoyed the wealth while you had it.

People learn that money is not everything and many times people who get rich quickly tend to lose it all because they do not understand how to maintain it and they do not understand delayed gratification.

Who would want to be going to LA to live right now? SO many companies are getting the he$$ out of CA right now.

WHO CARES if he gave his daughter a card and she spent $10,000. Sounds like she is royally spoiled and feels entitled to me. It also sound like there is no bond with you and his children or him and your children.

You obviously do not like his daughter because she has not had to "lift a finger" for anything. I pick up a twinge of jealousy there.

What kind of "deal" did you make when you married? Why did you marry?

Reality has a way of putting you in your place at some time or another. I've seen many nouveau riche be knocked back down on their a$$ because egos got a little high and mighty.

If I were you, I would lawyer up and get out of such an unhealthy situation and get your priority back on your children which is where it belongs.

You do need a job. You will be putting your two kids through college in a few years as well as supporting yourself and them until that point. I would be very doubtful you will be getting child support. A judge will not award you alimony - you are recently married and were presumably self supporting before then. Alimony is temporary support for a woman who has been out of the work force for many years to enable her to get back on her financial feet. His business what he spends on his daughter. They are not getting divorced.

I think from the sounds of your post you already know what's happening ... unfortunately. He sounds 100% like he is moving on. I am so sorry. I cannot think there is any other explanation.

So he would commute? You would live on opposite sides of the country? How would that work? And sounds like his daughter has become the main focus in his life if he's spoiling her this badly, while expecting you now to work to support your home. Is he doing this because he plans on leaving, and getting it set up so that you are supporting yourself?

I am very sorry - but it sounds like he's made up his mind. If I were you, I would get your affairs in order and protect yourself and your children. I like that you are putting their needs to the forefront and thinking of them first here.

I agree with Suz T about not focussing on his daughter. She's not who you are really angry/disappointed with - it's your husband. Misplaced resentment won't help here. In the long run, having two such divided ways on raising kids is only going to cause more problems and drama.

Good luck :)

Talk to a highly recommended, fierce attorney today!

Wouldn't waste time, effort or money on marital therapy.

Maybe individual for you because sounds like this is going to be a rough journey for you and you will need support fighting for what you deserve and standing up to this yahoo.

I'm so sorry - this sounds awful.

I wouldn't worry about the kids in college or beyond. And your 17 year old stepdaughter, whom you don't respect (and I understand why) is not your problem, but her father's.

But uprooting your 15 and 12 year olds and taking them away from the possibility of seeing their father (even if you could get court approval, which is doubtful)? Is that advisable? Giving them new schools and zero friends, asking them to start over?

Your husband is not committed to the blended family. He's committed to money. He's made a success of himself financially after humble beginnings, and maybe he is so afraid of being poor again that he makes rash decisions.

I think you sell the big house you are in, split the proceeds (which you are entitled to as his wife), and see about finding an affordable 3 bedroom place for you and your 2 at-home kids. Get 2 trundle beds for when the oldest kid comes home to visit with spouse.

I'd see a lawyer immediately to make sure what you have put into this marriage (child care and maintaining a lifestyle for your husband) is rewarded and considered when he up and moves away. Don't think for one second that he gets to keep his entire salary and leave you with your expenses if you've been married for a while (I don't know what "recently" means). And see a counselor to help deal with your feelings of betrayal and channel them into strength.

You're recently married and his kids have been living his way their whole lives. Unfortunately I think you're a few steps behind this guys current plans.

The only way for a loving couple to successfully navigate this transition would be to go TOGETHER. But you are putting your needs first (court order is good reason) and also by saying you don't want your kids to change up again. (I'm a military kid and lots of people have to move a lot, so I would still say just move). But he's way less willing to compromise by not even wanting you to come, and not wanting a job nearer to you.

So. Looks like this marriage will not work out. It will not survive his move to LA and it will be miserable until it ends.

He wants you to get a job to support yourself on east coast in your own house? As his wife? While he makes that kind of money?

Time to get divorced. Its just a matter of when to best do it. You'll be better off with alimony. Start collecting legal council from several sources so you can play your cards right. You and your kids can downsize, live simply and comfortably in your home until you find a job at your own pace with alimony. You may even get lots of money. Though he sounds pretty crafty and greedy so who knows what kind of lawyer he'll get…

I wouldn't waste anymore mental energy on this man. He cares nothing about being a blended family. He knows his daughter will be costing a bundle.

My advice is DO NOT GET A JOB before filing divorce. Ask a lawyer in your state first though. But in my case, the fact that I did not work and was the sole caretaker of kids while my ex traveled got me excellent child support. I would have gotten much less support if I had a job at the time. I also would have gotten alimony if my husband earned enough, but he didn't. Still though, I'm able to live in house and eat groceries and drive a car and cover my needs and focus on kids without working full time thanks to his support and I work freelance and part time now.

Sounds like your husband is gearing up for divorce to me, and wants you to be working when it happens.

He's wealthy, he's going to a million-dollar job, and he is ordering YOU to get a full-time job to pay all the bills at your home while he and his teen move out? Can you see that you not only "feel totally screwed in this situation" but you are indeed being totally screwed?

It sounds as if this is his underhanded way of leaving your marriage without coming out and saying so. If he were committed to you and to the children you brought to your marriage, he would be working with you, not against you; he would be consulting you, not ordering you; he would recognize that you are entirely bound by a legal order to stay in state with your children.

I would absolutely be seeking a very experienced and tough lawyer immediately. Your husband's focus on his income probably means he'll try to screw you in the divorce, because that is this train's next stop. You need to be prepared for it.

You can ask for intensive counseling but if he has a start date at this new job already, he is likely to say no to counseling, or to say he'll do it but just until his new job (his priority) starts. If he actually cares for you he might say he'll delay the job start, or reconsider. The post does not sound as if that's going to happen, though.

One thing that is a weird red flag: If he's already wealthy, why does he insist you pay the bills back East once he's gone? Either he is not actually as wealthy as he claims, and he hopes you won't notice his lie about his wealth for a while if you're worried about finding a job, OR he is wealthy but the "you must get a job and pay the bills" stuff is some passive-aggressive way to force you into some independence -- so he can say to a court, when he divorces you, that you do have your own income and don't need as much alimony off him.

Divorce him and get alimony. If he's willing to move across the country with full knowledge that you can't and he basically doesn't care AND wants you to pay all of your living expenses, he's moving on. By staying with him and allowing him to treat you this way, he's getting off a whole lot cheaper than if you guys got divorced. Don't let him do it.

It's been said you can't put a price on true love.
Your husband has been bought and sold by greed.
He's abandoning his wife and step kids for a buck.
Sorry--your husband sounds like a Class A jerk.
I'd divorce him.
Good luck.

Marriage counseling , and I mean ASAP.

If he is not man enough to be honest about why he is treating you this way, then you will need someone who can help him verbalize it.

I do not care how he treats his kids, his money, his kids, BUT you are his wife. You came into this marriage with your own children and he knew that. Your children have obviously been through a lot recently. They are now going to be pulled in different directions. I could give a lot of suggestions about what you all could do, but in this case MONEY is king. And so as suggested, please go to marriage counseling. You two need to learn to communicate with each other. N one is more powerful than the other in a real marriage. Compromises and alternative thoughts need to be shared.

And mom, You deserve to always be heard and acknowledged. Then the final decision is yours. You will be able to decide what is in your heart and brain.

You have a court order for your kids.

Get a feisty lawyer and I hope you didn't sign a prenup. But this is his way of getting out of the marriage....sorry to be so blunt, but I don't see it any other way.

Of course you're angry. Another possible scenario. Perhaps you've alienated your husband by being unable to discuss this in a calm manner? Is it possible that he said this in anger? As you mentioned, this is just one side of the conflict. Is it possible that better communication and less anger could result in a plan more fair to everyone involved? I also suggest that if this marriage is important to you, you'll try a different approach.

To me, your post indicates that you want out. You describe your husband as being irrational, making him the ogre. Such a one sided account suggests to me that there is more to the story.

How were you able to answer your own question? I've seen this done a couple of times and how it happens intrigues me.

What Julie F said.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Quietly prepare.

I'm sorry.

I think that you and he need to sit down and have a serious serious discussion. I would let him know, during the discussion, that you support his desire to make a good living and be a good provider but this move puts a deep stress on you. That you can only do so much but that you're under court order to stay in the area.

Tell him that you want more. Find out what his thoughts are. How long does he plan on living in California? Forever? A couple of years? exc..