HELP?! I Am Going Thru Divorce After a Year of Separation, Advice???

I think you can do something about this. Neither parent has the right to go so far extreme that is harms the children emotionally, mentally or physically....just because there is not a plan yet. I went through this and know how important it is to feel out what fits the children well. Go back to the weekend/with one day a week thing, as is standard in nearly all parenting plans.
Good luck,
Liz

Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer. I know they are expensive but you don't want to do this alone.

And beat him to the courthouse to file. (I know you don't want the divorce but you don't have any control over this. By filing, YOU have more control and he is on the defensive.) When you file, you can also ask for a temporary parenting plan that will set out the visitation schedule.

In the meantime, do NOT agree to any added time. (Generally, the court orders whatever the parents have already been doing. THIS is probably why he is so revved up about trying to get more time with the kids. It would give him a stronger position when you go to court.)

Protect yourself. Protect your children. Hire a lawyer to protect all of you. Good luck!

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Additional information, such as if he already has an attorney is important. You can NOT use the same attorney as him. You also don't want to be caught of guard if he serves you papers and you have limited time to respond with no representation. Getting referrals on attorneys to call would be a good idea to do right away so you have someone in your corner. It is very difficult to find an attorney that will handle this in the best way for you, but I wish you luck with a good referral from someone you know and trust who has personal experience. You should interview a few in person if you can, and be very organized because every minute they talk to you or work on your case is expensive. The more you can work out between the two of you the better as no one wins in court but the attorneys who take incredibly large sums of money, and most drag things out since more time on the case = more billable hours. No one has the kids best interests at heart more than the parents, so if things had been so cordial until now I would try to bring it all down a notch with him if there is a chance to prevent the whole thing spinning out of control. Keep only to the subjects that are relevant to getting all the legal stuff done even though I know it is hard and there are so many emotions involved.

Here is a referral for you to check out in your search for legal protection. I hired her but then my ex in-laws found a way to leverage a conflict of interest that had nothing to do with our case, and she was unable to represent me, but I thought I had found someone good until that happened, so I would recommend her more than anyone I actually used. Her name is Tara Richardson and she is in Seattle. She might give you a complimentary meeting. You could use my name if you want as she would probably remember this situation that occured a few years back (post-divorce child endangerment issues - not fun...)....I have other friends who have used her since. Good luck to you and email me if you like.

Tara K. Richardson
Principal
____@____.com
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http://www.lasher.com/attorneys_detail.asp?id=44

Hi M....
Let Me first start out by saying, I am the step mom... My husband has an 8 year old girl, and together we have a 2 1/2 year old boy. We share custody with our daughters mom. It was heck going through it all, I can't even tell you how many times we went to court/mediation over the whole situation. Her mom for the longest time considered me just the babysitter... or daycare provider. Which I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years at that point. We have been married 2 months but have been together for 5 years. They now have a schedule that goes like this...
week 1. Monday-Friday morning she is with us. She then gets picked up by her mom's Daycare provider(actual, not boyfriend) after school and them mom has her friday evening untill sunday evening where we pick her up.
week 2. Monday- Wed. she is with us, and Wed. afterschool she is with mom till saturday at 8 am.
and then the holidays are a totally different schedule... which really stinks. It works for us for now...Untill our daughter can decided where she wants to be. I know it isn't easy because before I had a child I swore that I was better than her mom... well I have walked a mile in her mom's shoes and Im no better than her. Her and I have had our bouts, but finally pulled our heads out of you know where, and get along for the most part. Then I had my own son, and It isn't easy.
I wish you the best of luck and I am not sure I have helped much but If I have... then Wish you the best of luck!
Always.

Dear M.,

I feel your pain, believe me I do. I'm going to give you the same advice I have given to hundreds in your same circumstance; call James Shipman, of Podrasky, Shipman & Shields. They are in Everett and they are FANTASTIC! ###-###-####. I've worked with James Shipman & Aaron Shields, and they will make sure just is served for the children's sake. Considering their ages and the distress this is placing on your daughter...you will win. This is Washington State. Additionally, your husband's threats will not serve him well once introduced to a judge.

Good luck,

D. P.
Mother of four, President of a Legal Corporation with over 20 years of experience...and no...I don't work for James, but he has been my attorney in the past. Again, good luck.

Wed - Mon sounds like a fair deal to me. He is probably upset that the 4 year old is missing you so much. But that is natural for one so little. Especially with a new woman in the mix. Would he be agreeable if your son stayed with him for the additional 2 days until you get the parenting plan set in place? Your son is also at a vulnerable age, and may need the added Dad time, now that there is a new woman & toddler to share his Dad with. Depending on where you live the state may have set guidlines about visitation, so check that out, you may not have to do alternate weeks at this age, anyway.

If you can't get him to agree with you prior going to court, see if he'll go through a mediation process before getting your lawyers to hammer that part out. It may save money and stress in the meantime.

There is a divorce book called with SandCastles in the title, that is really good. I gave mine away sometime ago and can't remember the exact name, but it was helpful with two household parenting issues.- Good Luck.

I am sorry about the divorce. It makes me mad of your husband. Now, it is time to open the door for your children to see their father. It may be difficult for the child but it is better for the children to see with their own eyes what is happening. My advice for you is to be calm with yourself, you must be very hurt. Don't forget to take care yourself first. You need to be in control with you first to understand the situation and to move on. Everyday is a new day, enjoy yourself. I am married for 6 years and I am pregnant 35 weeks. My husband is a great man, but sometimes I can feel that our relationship is falling a part. He does,'t come to me anymore since I am pregnant. I can not understand man, they are too selfish. Sorry if my Enghish is not good.
Take care
Your friend

I agree with Julie S but see the attorney BEFORE you file. I have a friend whose husband abandoned her and her two children also. I believe he filed for divorce and had to state his reasons. She went on to meet someone else and needed to move out of state because of her new husband's job and because it had been proven that the ex husband had abandoned, she was legally able to do so whether he liked it or not (the children did not have a good relationship with her ex). Seeing a lawyer is the first step to protecting your children and your rights as the parent who has fulfilled your family obligations. Best of luck, this must be a very hard time for you.

When I was much younger (21) I was the new girlfriend. My then bf had a 3 yr old. She would spend 3 days with us 1 week then 4days the next thus making it equal time for both parents. I was in this situation until the little girl was 9. I'm not sure what happened after that. The girl was definelty living in 2 very different worlds, but when she was with us she was always happy. It was probably a nightmare for her mom when she returned home as her dad was anti-rules. This is just a relay of experience not advice.

Stick to whatever the parenting plan the two of you decided on when the both of you filed for the separation. Do not let him pressure you into something other than it without having the written court ordered parenting plan changed.

Whatever nastiness he throws always respond with the kindness (much easier done after a big breath). Use modern technology-- text messages and instant messaging are awesome, you can sometimes stop yourself from saying nasty things and still communicate your point. Your kids will see through all the BS in time. My hubby suprised me with divorce papers last year and that has been sooooo hard on my ego and self-esteem. You are an awesome lady and don't let his decisions drag you down. You have done some awesome progress this past year!! You have held down a job and kept it together for the kids. Go, Momma, go!!!

One thing that has helped me greatly this last year has been going to church, but for all the wrong reasons. First it is my schedualed time to cry without the kids around. No one really looks at you twice if you are bawling in a church service and they are quite likely to offer you a hug and a prayer-- not a bad thing whatever your beliefs are. Plus if you find the right place/people they can be an excellent support system for you and the kids. I still feel sooooo hurt and unable to trust people, but it helps to put myself out there and try.

PS I can't help but assume that you are not his first wife (16 year old stepdaughter). This new girlfriend of his doesn't have a chance either. If you have any connection with his daughter please do not let it go because of this. You took her on as a daughter and even stepmommies don't abandon their kiddos.

Hi, I would suggest getting a attorney for yourself and one for your children. The laws for Oregon does not support a step-parent with any parenting rights at all (even if the other parents is not living)
With the children having an attorney, they can express feeling, problems they are having.
I would suggest not changing any routines on your end. You may want to stop working any overtime (they may account this into your share of child support. (I got 1/2 of my monthly salary). Like what others has said, set your emotions aside and focus on what is happening. (he left you - other than the kids you should get more than your share)
Good luck

Been there, done that. Your daughter maybe too young to deal with the long visits. Go back to whomever developed your parenting plan and ask for help. Be very legal because you don't want to anger him beyond what he already is.

M.,

I didn't really have time to go through the other responses to see if someone suggested this, but it was something my attorney warned me my husband could do if he seeks legal counsel right away (we just seperated). Anyhow, you can file a status-quo order. It basically is a document that says, "our situation has been 'this' for the past three months and should continue this way, ie. them staying with you most of the time." My attorney said they always just grant them without hearing testimony, but it could hold you off until you can have the custody study done, which might be very beneficial in your case.

Oh I am so very sorry. All I can say, get a lawyer. They are expensive! I wish I would have known when he first left. You should have qualified for spousal support as well as child support. If you owned a home together, you would get half of that(that is how I payed my attorney). None of this working over time because your ex decided he wanted a new life. Your kids are your life, and should continue to be so, regardless of the changes he wants to make. Keep in mind whatever parenting plan you agree to now, WILL affect your kids. Think about when they are both in school and one of you decides to move. It may not work out if Dad has them in the middle of the week, or Wednesday thru Sunday. Keep in mind, the kids will eventually want to do after school activities and such, can you afford that, ask your attorney to include it in court papers, that when the time comes he pays half, and lets the kids particiapte in activities. Most of all, know that you are not alone, mama source can give you a lot of support when needed. It is a hard process, but one you should get started asap. Good luck, and just do what is best for your children in the long run, not what will keep your ex content. Being nice, may hurt you and your children in the long run.

Hi M.,

I am a step-mom to my husband's 12 year old. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old. His mom has also remarried and has a two year old. Here is our schedule of shared custody:

We have him every other week (change day is Monday). On the weeks that we don't have him, my husband has a "date night" with him on Thursday evening (so he doesn't have to go a whole week without contact). He also has nightly phone calls with the parent he is not with. Things have evolved a bit since the original agreement. I am a stay at home mom (his mom works), so I have him for school days off, summers, and before and after school (I have replaced daycare). We also have him every Sunday morning for church (we consistently go to the church he has always known, whereas his mother has church shopped a lot). All four parents usually go to school functions, birthday parties, and trick or treating on Halloween (with mutual friends). It is by no means easy! Some applaud us for our efforts to put differences aside for the child. It is becoming increasingly difficult! He is spending so much time with us now that he feels more comfortable here and doesn't want to leave. He also is becoming more aware of parenting and having a hard time with the way his mother lets his little sister get into his stuff, scream and tantrum and bite. They are fighting more and he calls us to complain and she calls us for advice. I suggested they all go to therapy to work things out (and leave us out of it!) and now she is not speaking to us....It's a mess. I am the one who spends the most time with him, but I don't have legal say!

So...I think you should work with a lawyer and mediator. It really is easier on kids to have one home, but it comes at the expense of one parent, who will never have the same or as close a relationship with that parent. It really depends a lot on your husbands motives. It's also worth mentioning that if the kids spend more time with the girlfriend and become close to her (I know, hard for you) then it will really be a blow to them if that relationship ends. I would try to incorporate something about only introducing kids to "serious" relationships" and have them be "friends".

Good luck! None of it is easy!