Help, How Do I Explain Death to a 4 Year Old????

Hi Kerry,
I am not sure if this is going to help you, but I can tell you what happened in our case.
My sister-in-law's husband passed away three yrs ago and my dad passed away just two years ago. I have one 6 yr old boy who was very fond of both of them. When he asked me when he would see his uncle again. I told him that he was in Heaven, with God... a special place for people we love very much, but we cannot visit yet....nothing less nothing more. When my dad passed away, my son felt really sad (he lived overseas) and he asked me the same question, and I answered the same, but I added that his grandpa is an angel that always will be with him and his little brother to take care of both of them. When we travel by plane, my little guy always says.."Mommy, is it H. where my uncle Mike and grandpa live now....?" I say, up and up and up...over the clouds and with God..and in our hearts.."
We talk about death since then because he asks many questions, but I do not avoid words or topics about this, that way it is natural and he has never been afraid of and he actually believes these two loved ones are with him to protect him. He knows that he cannot see them that's why my son likes seeing pictures of them and pray to them every night. He cried for them also, and I said to him it was OK to cry and miss them, and I gave him a big hug.

K., kids understand more than we think sometimes. They are like little sponges, and remember that they will react the way you do. Always be calm and do not avoid the word death.... Talk to your daughter and answer her questions clearly but do not overdo. He will handle it..let her take her time...Every kid is different.

My son likes going to the cemetery and leave flowers sometimes. When we travel and visit my family, we do the same with my dad.

Good luck

Alejandra

I think that would depend entirely on what your beliefs are. Most people believe in God, in some way shape or form, and a lot of people believe in a heaven. My son just lost his dog a couple months ago, he is also 4, and I explained to him that Titan was chasing squirrels in heaven. He wanted to give Grandma and Grandpa (it was their dog) something to remember the dog by, so we took pictures that we had of him and made a Doggy Book of Titan. I think it was therapuetic for him.

He sees pictures of my sister all the time, who died 7 years ago in a car accident, long before he was ever considered. He asks sometimes to meet her, and though he has an understanding of death, I've had to tell him several times that she can't come back to meet him. They understand to a degree but not fully. Especially with the dog, I just told him it's ok to be sad, it's okay to cry and to miss Titan, but just remember that Titan and Jamie are both very happy where they are and even though we really miss them, we will always love them and always have them in our hearts.

I think the cemetary is actually a great idea; he goes to see my sister with me sometimes. He knows she was in an accident and that she died, and he always talks to her while we are there. Just remember that it's perfectly fine for her to be sad and to cry...we all grieve, it's normal, and she misses her aunt and is entitled.

Sounds like she has a very big heart :)

I'm raising my kids in the Cherokee ways so I explained that their grampa went to walk with the grandfathers in the stars & is living beyond the stars now. they know that at night then he's watching down over them

That's a toughy! Try explaining to your daughter that death is actually a part of life (of course that might be too deep for a four-year-old). Tell her we all miss the ones we lose, but that it's ok because her Aunt is with God and she is ok and happy. Tell her that it's ok to miss them and to be sad, but she can talk about her Aunt and save her memories and tell her happy stories about the times she had with her Aunt if she doesn't remember them. And remind her that her Aunt loved her very much. Some way you must make out death like it isn't scary or bad so that your daughter won't be afraid of it. Good luck to you and God Bless you.

Dear K.,
You have received from very good ideas on dealing with the grief process and it is a process. Different people grieve differently. We are all made especially unique by a very loving Heavenly Father. Indeed, God created this world and He made it perfectly with no death. I believe that the number one best seller of all time is the Holy Bible and it is the inspired word of God. I am a perpetual student of this book for over 40 years now.
In every good book, there appears a hero and a villain. The villain in this book is Satan and he appears in Chapter 3 of Genesis, the book of beginnings. He wanted to deceive Eve and Adam and turn them away from God, which he succeeded in doing. It is called the "fall" of man. If God had it His way, we would never have death, sickness, disease, hard work, or anything unpleasant. However, due to the fall of man and the temptation to sin, we need a Savior. The Savior of course, is Jesus. (The real reason we have Christmas, to celebrate Jesus' birth.) Jesus is God's Son and was sent to show us how to live here on earth, loving one another. He was also sent to redeem mankind from the sinful practices we all fall into. That's why He died on the cross and rose from the dead, (why we really have Easter) to show us that we who believe in Him, can have that same resurrection and live forever in perfection in Heaven and see those we love again.
Society today doesn't really want to acknowledge Jesus anymore. However, the date can not even be written without proclaiming that it has been 2006 years since Jesus Christ was born. (Anno Domini = the year of our Lord) America was founded on the Judeo Christian principles that are in the Bible. The ACLU has succeeded in taking Bible reading and prayer from our schools and look at the mess our society is in today. Most all school including the major ivy league schools, like Harvard, were founded to educate anyone who attended to be ministers and share the gospel of Christ. It's all true history.
So listen to this great advice on the grief process, but understand that because God created the world and Jesus is God's Son, the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ. Now some will say that's narrow minded. But if you design and create something, it's yours. You get to say what's to be done with it. God created this world and He gets to set the standard and Jesus Himself proclaimed that He was God in the form of man. (John 10:36) That's why we pray in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Just take a look at Genesis 1:25-26 and you will see how man was created: "Let us make man in our image." Plural form, the triune God, created man and woman. That's what gives us purpose and importance. We are created in God's image.
I hope you can explain to your little one, how special she is because she was made in the very image of God, and so were you. And that as she grows, she will come to know her Savior, Jesus who died on the cross for her sins, so she will have faith, trust and never be afraid or sad for God has a wonderful future and great plan for her life and yours.
I hope you will truly be challenged to pick up a Bible and read and research these deep truths for yourself. Bible Study Fellowship is a non-denominational study that loves to teach these truths to you and your little girl. There are several meeting on Tuesday (westside Indy - Chapel Rock Christian Church) and Wednesday (northside Indy - Church at the Crossing at Keystone) mornings.
Respectfully submitted,
M. J.

Hi K.,
I have been through a similar experience, and honesty is the best policy. My husband lost his grandfather, and my son was very close to him at the age of 5. When he fell ill, we told him the truth. You will be amazed on how intelligent and resiliant children can be. When my husband's granfather did pass away, we told him that he had died. He asked where he went, and we told him to heaven and even though he can't see him, he is in his heart, and he will see him again. He is 6 now, and will say that his grandpa is with him (and point to his heart). Hope this helps :)

Death is hard and there are so many different ways to think of it. I am 29 however I come from a big family and have had to deal with a lot of death in my life. There are two things that suck with me.

The first one was that when I was 4 my greatgrandma died, and my uncle told me that. My grandma went to heaven, but not to worry she could see me all the time. And if I ever wanted to see her to look up in the sky at night and I could find her. He told me that I could tell it was her because she would always be the star that was looking down on me. And when I missed her or wanted to tell her something I should just talk to the star. It really worked for me, to this day I talk to the stars.

The second was when my cousin died and I was 6 years old. I had heard things that people had said before about people being old, that they had "lived a good life", and that "it was their time". So I thought that only old people should die. I did not understand why god would let young people die. I was very upset and mad at everyone. But my dad took me on a walk it was a summer day and we stopped to look at flowers and he began to explain that god was building a flower bed in heaven and that he needed a little bit of everything, grandmas, grandpas, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even babies. That is how he makes the most beautiful "flower bed".

I did not realize how much impact this has had over my life until my father-in-law passed away this past January. I had to try and explain it to my daughter. She wanted grandpa to wake up. I have talked to her a little at a time and she really seems to start to understand. She tells me that she wants to stay up and say goodnight to grandpa, which just means she wants to wait till the stars come out. She tells me that he is in heaven with Jesus planting flowers too, but more or less she understands. She was really close to her grandpa and she still talks about him on a weekly basis, but I think that she is handling it well.

Also one more recommendation is "When a dinosaur dies". It is a great book, that talks about death in all different kinds of ways. It talks about caskets and cremation, things that I did not automatically think about telling her about. It really helped us as an outline.

I hope this helps. I am sorry about your sister-in-law.

T.