Help! Help! Help! - Chicago,IL

L.:

I am there with you... my children are the first and foremost... they were when they were little and would still say they are... they are 21 and 24...

Could you work from home tomarrow?

P., RLC, IBCLC
Pres. Lactation Support Group, Inc
www.lactationsupportgroup.com

You have the right to a day off. Whether it be a family matter or not. And if he has a problem with it, too bad for him. Family come first.

I would call in sick tomorrow if I were you.

How could you not know it is Good Friday? You deserved to let your boss know way ahead of time days you need off due to childcare issues. Im sure your daycare provider also informed you days off in advance. If not, you need to be advised at least 2 weeks prior due to your employment. Ofcourse family always comes 1st, but taking off of work with hardly any notice makes you look unresponsible.

WElcome to the working world of motherhood. I too had similar issues when I had a fulltime job outside the home. Unfortunately an employer can't be concerned with your family issues which means your are stuck to do what you need to do. One time I took my child to work.. I had no childcare because my provider had a death in the family. They would not allow me a day off so... You will continue to face these issues no matter where you go I believe. Try and put yourself in the employers shoes and then you need to do what you need to do to ensure proper childcare for your children. I would not leave my children without interviewing them either. My old employer recommeded child care that was right across from work... Great for them... of course when I looked into it the cost was $400/week for one child from 7am-6pm!! I believe employers mean well by offering suggestions they just don't know what they don't know.... good luck hopefully someday the world will realize family importance.

My question is this: What is up with your daycare provider if she only gave you 2 days notice that she would be closed without having a "sub"? Did she give you a list of holidays she was closed when you started with her?

I've been on both sides of this situation, a working mom trying to balance job and home and I've been a manager as well and heard all the sob stories why people can't come to work. And I have to tell you that, yes, your first responsibility is to your children and family but isn't part of that responsibility to them having a stable job and providing for them? You do have a lesser responsibility to your job, but it is a responsibility none the less. Is it your bosses job to prvide daycare whenever you "don't realize" it's a holiday? It sound to me like the problem is that you and your daycare provider are not on the same page.

What is the procedure at your company for getting a day off, how much notice do you need to give, do you have vacation days to use? If you did not go through the proper procedure, your boss may get an earfull from your coworkers for giving you special treatment (especially if one of them had already asked for the day off and been denied).

I don't mean to be harsh and it does sound like you have your hands very full but a little organization goes a long way. I hope you can work it out, but try not to harsh on your boss, is it his fault? I hope you take this opportunity to go over holidays for the whole year with your daycare provider and make sure you have vacation requests in for the rest of the year.

Take care!

Hi L.,

First off, the way some of these people responded was totally un-called for. Family always comes first and some of these women don't realize that, because they put their work first and not their family. Your boss had alot of nerves to come at you the way he did. How is he going to offer to find you a sitter at your expense? How is he going to offer to find you a sitter a period? When you have kids....there are going to be alot of things that come up that you didn't expect. Some things are just out of your control. By him not having any kids, he has no idea what people with kids have to go thru and if he did end up being a father.....he seems like one of those fathers who wouldn't give a care about what goes on at home, because he would put his job first. I've been in the same position like yourself before with these daycares. Yes sometimes they wait until the last minute to let you know about things, but when it comes down to it...you are still responsible for what happens to your kids. I am like yourself.....I WILL NOT leave my kids with just anybody. I DO NOT feel you over-reacted whatsoever. You handled the situation perfectly, because like you said......when that job is gone....you family is still going to be there. If you end up losing that position....it just means that you are meant to be somewhere else and whereever you end up....I hope your next boss will respect you and the fact that you have kids. I truly wish you the best:-)

L.-

Your situation at work is very unfortunate. Since you are a single mom, I am assuming that you need this job(or need to be employed)? Let me make a suggestion to you. Find a good company to work for... that is family friendly company. You are going to have to be off for your children for a variety of reasons (not to mention your new baby)and that is just reality for a mom.

I used to work for Accenture (formerly known as Anderson Consulting). Work-life balance was just as important to them as it was making the bottom line. It made all the difference in the world to me ... as a mom.

I think it all depends on what type of job that you have. If the activities of your job are 'mission critical' then the issue becomes a bit sticky. There are some jobs where people have to perform duties that are crucial to the day-to-day operation of the company or are necessary to be filled to keep the public safe. On the other hand, my job (I'm a teacher) is one where someone can come in a substitute for me. Yeah, it's not the best solution but the world won't end, production won't come to a complete halt, and peoples' well-being won't be jeopardized.

Also, depending on the type of job/industry (public? private?), I can see how your boss might be hesitant to give anyone (not just you) a day off because of a 'religious' holiday. I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right or you're right and he's wrong, but if he gives you 'Good Friday' off then he should also be giving other employees Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and other religious holidays off. As a boss, he has to be fair to all employees and if he lets the Christians off for holidays, then he must let everyone else off for their religious holidays. I understand the situation you are put in, but this also puts him in a touchy situation as well. Although I wouldn't care one bit for my boss to find me a sitter that I knew NOTHING about, at least he gave some effort to try to reach a compromise. Albeit not a really great solution...

Have you tried to take a personal day? Vacation day? Comp time? Maybe try suggesting to him that you'll 'make up' the time but that it is critical that you take care of your children as they have nowhere else to go. I'd try to speak with him face to face, calmly, and explain your situation. If you've been an employee with an exemplary attendance record, point that out (such as, "I have always respected the need to be present at work and fully productive, and in my X number of years here, I've not taken advantage of the amount of leave time that's been extended to me. I can assure you that this is one of those special circumstances where I clearly have no other option but to not work."). I'd try negotiating and compromising instead of being combative and attacking your boss, still being assertive about the needs of your kids.

L.,

I am sorry to hear your employer is being so harsh. I think it is fair for this to happen once, but it is most likely in your best interest to have a backup plan handy and get the holiday schedules in advance from now on. I have troubles too when work conflicts with daycare schedules. I don't have a great solution, especially when my child is sick. Sometimes it is very difficult to take a whole day off when my son is sick - or worse, several days in a row. I have been looking into any possible options, but am kind of stuck. My family does not live close either, so I cannot ask them to help. I have looked into temporary nanny care (very expensive and you don't know who you will get from time to time), having someone from the daycare we use who is not scheduled that day/time come to sit (which works well only if someone is available - and they are usually only avail part of they day as they work at the daycare (for when my son is sick and daycare is open)). I have looked at neighborhood kids, but they are in school or too small. I don't have friends nearby who can help... so I hear your angst. If you get any good suggestions from anyone out here, please let me know. Being a single mother is really difficult. I don't know if you have a partner who can share some of the responsibility, but it sounds like that is not possible from your post.

I wish you the best on this. I think you are in the right frame of mind that your family comes first. You just need to find a good alternative for when things like this happen. It's not easy. Is there anyone up higher inthe organization you work for that you can talk to about your situation? Can you plan vacation days in advance for these daycare holidays.

K. (mother of Aiden 21 months old)
Libertyville, IL

Wow, there were some harsh responses (in my opinion). Do you and your boss normally get along? It seems odd that he sent you an email telling you you couldn't take the day off. Did you initially bring it up in an email rather than in person? I don't want to make you paranoid or anything, but it sounds like he is either a big wimp and didn't want to do it in person, or he is trying to document it in order to possibly use it against you in the future. What type of time off program do you have? PTO? Traditional vacation and sick time? If you have personal days, you should be allowed to use them, they cannot penalize you for using them however if policy is that all of your days off have to be approved in advance then you have less flexibility. In the end though, legal or not some companies are very inflexible on time off for business reasons or not and it is just part of their culture. I am in a similar predicament now and I work in HR! Sometimes all you can do is stick it out until you can find a new job.

Good Luck!

What would your boss say if your child was sick? It seems like you're being penalized for being honest.

I'm extra sympathetic because I didn't realize that my 3yo's home daycare was closed tomorrow - until I picked him up at 5 tonight! Luckily, I didn't have anything crucial going on tomorrow (lots of people will be off) and I have a great boss anyway.

My employer just introduced this great emergency childcare program - it's subsidized, so it's low-cost, and in an emergency you can take your child to their childcare center or you can have someone come to your home for low cost. At least they're trying to help out parents because let's face it, these things happen.

I've also worked for a "young company" before and I bet that being pregnant has put a target on you. Watch your back just in case your boss just doesn't want to pay for your maternity leave and is setting you up to make you look bad - if you need the insurance or the FMLA/maternity leave pay, you may be forced to figure some solution out for tomorrow. Or sue the jerk. Good luck!

I don't think you're overreacting. Do you have your own office? Would it be possible for you to work a half day and take your kids in with you (along with a stack of books, crayons, and other quiet activities for them)? I know it's a little disruptive, but you might be able to get your boss to prioritize for you what absolutely NEEDS to be done - that way you can go in just long enough to get the most urgent things done and take personal/vacation/sick time for the remainder of the day. I ended up taking my 10 month old son into work for about 3 hours last Friday for a similar reason. I can count on one hand the number of times I've done this, but in a pinch it can work as long as you dont make a habit of it.

I am sorry to hear. It sounds like your company (especially your boss) doesn't value life vs work balance. Did he provide a reason as to why you weren't allowed to take off? If it's a valid reason that deadlines will be late/etc then I can understand why. I would definitely look ahead for holidays coming up so you aren't in this predicament again. Religious holidays are hard cause you never know. But it sounds like your only choice is to call in sick. I would feel the same...wouldn't leave my kids with someone willy nilly. And that's rude for your boss to assume the same. If that comes up again, I would state (as much as you do/do not believe) that you were appreciative he was willing to assist you in finding a sister but you are the manager of your home and unfortunately cannot accept an unfamiliar childcare provider. I think unless you have kids... you really just don't understand. I know I didn't until I had my kids. Well, I wish you luck. Keep us posted. If things progress, you might want to see about talking to HR.

I think you have the right attitude and handled this correctly. NOTHING comes before our children. Our children are the future of this country and this world. I became self-employed for the same reason of not ever wanting to have to choose between my family and my job. As a single mom, you may not have the luxury of too many options, but I think you need to find another employer, perhaps a woman. Nothing against men or non-mothers, but really, if someone doesn't have children, they don't get it. Best of luck to you. On your side all the way.

L.-

My heart goes out to you! That is the worst position to be put in and shame on your boss for being sooo insensitive! I in no way would settle for that! I would tell him that your only alternative is that the kids come to work with you. And that you are not entrusting them with someone that he finds! What a fool! I wish you luck!

I dont think you are overreacting and I myself was pregnant with my third and had these sort of issues come up often. I was lucky that my employer understood and didnt put pressure on me.

Do you have any personal/vacation days you can take? If I were in your shoes, and didnt have a sitter, I would take off. I dont know how harsh your employer is but letting them know you will be taking off, not asking "if" you could take off might help the situation a bit. Good luck!!

Boy does that bring back memories...I was a dental assistant that worked for a real terror of a boss, he rarely let anyone off for ANY reason. My son was in Kindergarten and I got a call from the school saying that he was throwing up and had a fever. When I told my boss that I had to go get him he told me NO! And he said if I left I would be fired. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "NO I quit! My son is more important than you $%@# business!" I know there are alot of moms out there that feel they HAVE to work, I was one of them, but this incident was a wake up call, my child is more important than any job. PERIOD. Life is short, your time with your children shorter. Choose to work, FINE, but make sure you have back-ups and make sure you have someone that LOVES your children, not just sees them as a "job". IMO the best choice is to scale down, work part-time or not at all and spend time with your kids.
=)

We all totally understand, but usually our mommy instincts are so strong we are expecting the worst... which doesn't have to happen! Do your absolute best to accomodate the job atleast for the day, and you can always begin a shrewd jobsearch after the crisis. A wise person told me never try to "solve the problem in the middle of a crisis because we almost always make a new one." When you get through this, find your self-respect justified and look for a job worthy of your fantastic mommy instincts. If all else fails and you can't accomodate the boss/job, God closes one door and opens a more suitable one!