Help Facing a Failed Marriage with 4 Young Children

I am a mother of two kids they are 4 and 14 months I have been married for 8 years. Like any couple we all have problems but right before my son was born things weren't good. He was going out alot playing sports after work and not coming home till the early morning hours. Plus there was no comunation anymore. We tried to talk about it but only ending in fights. We knew it was counciling or the end. We found a great doctor and it is really helping. We have found that we have a bucket and inside are things that need to be addressed and fixed. . I remember our first visit and him telling me he loves me but wasn't in love with me. That was so hard to hear knowing I was trying to be everything, but in ways felt the same just wan't be truthful to myself. When small things go right we acknowldge them. It isn't going to happen over night but we feel it is worth it. One thing that the Doctor told us when we said maybe there are people out there better for us - If you don't fix what is wrong now you will only take it with you to the next relationship. I feel for you and hope maybe you and your husband will try this route. At the end if it turns out good great and if it doesn't you know yourself you tried.

Whatever his reasons for his feelings changing, it's NOT your fault. If he refuses to work things out, even refuses to try counseling for a time, I'm wondering if something else is going on that he's not telling you. If that's the case, no matter what you do, no matter the begging, he's not going to change his mind.

I think my best advice is not to allow him to take control of the situation. He's informed you that he doesn't love you and he's the one who has left the home (where is he staying? he's only sleeping at home? that's a big red flag to me) and the relationship and your children. Tell him he's not welcome to stay in the house unless he's willing to go to counseling and work on the marriage. Being a random room mate isn't fair to any of you, and it's confusing for the children. He should either be there completely or not at all in regards to being in the house.

As for what to tell the children, just tell them Daddy loves them and will be there when he can be. I wouldn't tell them any specifics until you know for sure what's going to happen. If you don't know, they won't know and won't feel secure.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

#1 KEEP TRACK OF THE MONEY!!!!! MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T CLEAN OUT THE ACCOUNTS. MONITOR IT EVERYDAY!!! YOU ALSO NEED TO GO TAKE A BIG CHUNK OF MONEY AND PUT IT SOME PLACE HE CANNOT GET TO IT. AND DON'T EVER GIVE IT BACK!!!

I have been through it all too. Stop getting depressed about it and take control. It took me a year of wasted time and energy beating up on myself. You said he comes home to sleep, that is your que to take off for yourself. Men always come and go and we are stuck at home dwelling on the matter. The minute he enters the house you grab your bag and leave for a night or even a few hours. Don't let anything he says stop you. He needs to take some father duties. And I know this sounds repetitve but exercise. I didn't start getting out of my funk until I started walking and then going to a gym.
After I started living for myself and kids, I found an incredible man and we have been happily married for years!
Take control and good luck!!!

Insist on counsiling. You need a third party to help you out. I hate to be a downer, but if he's not willing to do that, chances are there is more than a lack of love. Any chance there is another woman? I've had three friends whose husbands woke up one day and said they don't love them anymore. My friends later found out there was someone else. See a counsilor, even if just by yourself to work through your emotions. Good luck.

Dear T.,
All in all- from a standpoint, stay put. Do not leave the home at all. This is for legal reasons, stay with the children and keep the home entact for them.
I am currently in a similar situation with my family. But, I am the step-mother, we have 3 young children. My husband is at home with them, and I was asked to leave. If I would have stayed I would not have been able to take the constant fighting and his staying away and shutting off from me emotionally had been developing a few weeks before.
I'd like to chat further- to write all this down, I do not feel comfortable.
my email is fine- if you feel comfortable I can call you on my cell phone and chat.
I hope things go well, keep you spirit up and don't worry to much about him- I know it is hard.
V.

T.,

Your story brings back memories for me from just 2 years ago. My name is T. and I have 4 children also. My husband and I separated for 3 months. At the time our kids were 14, 11, 7 and 5. It was summer, so school was out and they were home full-time. Dad was gone 90% of the time. He was having an affair with a co-worker and actually moved in with her. It was horrible. I cried all the time, couldn't eat or sleep. People (friends) were full of advice for me. Leave him..throw his stuff out the window... you name it. What ultimately worked for me was this. I moved on with my life. Not easy - I know. I picked myself up and put the pieces together as best I could. Try to remember who you were before you met your husband. It is hard with 4 children, but that is what he fell in love with. You can't change him and you shouldn't have to change yourself.

My husband moved back home and left the witch after 3 long months. Forgiving was hard and I will never forget, but it is true that time heals. My husband changed careers and we have moved. We re-evaluated what was important in our lives. We work together as a team and have date nights as often as possibe. It is not always sunny - we still argue at times, but we are happier than we have ever been.

Hang in there T.. Whatever the outcome, be strong. You and your kids will get through this. I will be thinking and praying for you.

T.

I feel your pain. I was in a marriage with similar circumstances. I have two kids and thought that the best thing was to stay together for their sake. The thing is, I was miserable. I had no outlet either. My life was go to work, come home and deal with the home issues (kids, cleaning, dinner, etc.) and start all over the next morning. Finally, I made the decision to move out and get on with my life. My then husband was never going to change his feelings or actions toward me. In the end, it was the best thing for me and the kids. They were happier and everyone adjusted well. Now my exhusband is still part of the kids lives. He and I are civil and only talk when we have kid issues to discuss and there is no ill-will between us.

I don't want to say that you should leave, but it was the best thing in my situation. I would say that if you know that he is not going to change his feelings for you and you know that he is not willing to do counseling or anything else along that line, you might want to consider leaving. Talk to him and ask if he would be willing to attend counseling, for the sake of the kids, to work on the marriage issues. If he says no, then maybe you should reevaluate your current situation and move on with your life. Staying is not worth the misery and lonliness if he is not willing to ever work on the marriage.

WOW, T., I TOO HAVE RECENTLY WENT THROUGH A REALLY ROUGH DIVORCE AND IT WAS NOT A PICNIC. I THINK THE ONE THING THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IS NOT TO MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS THE KIDS' PROBLEMS, SUCH AS NOT LETTING THEM HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT IT, SEEING YOU CRY, NOT TALKING BAD ABOUT THEIR DAD. THINGS LIKE THAT, I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP IT INSIDE FOR ME BUT LUCKILY I REALIZED THAT THE KIDS DIDN'T NEED TO SEE ALL THAT, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WITH THE WAY I WAS FEELING I WASN'T MY NORMAL HAPPY SELF AND THEY KNEW THAT. AS FAR AS WHAT TO TELL YOUR KIDS I SUGGEST TIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN YOU TELL THE KIDS THAT DADDY IS WORKING ALOT RIGHT NOW AND USE THAT TIME TO SPEND AND REASSURE THEM. MAYBE IT'S BETTER THAT WAY SO THEY CAN SLOWLY GET USED TO NOT SEEING HIM AS MUCH. I KNOW IT HURTS AND IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT EVENTUALLY IF YOU WERE NOT HAPPY, ONCE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO REALLY DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY YOU WILL WONDER WHY YOU DIDN'T DO SOMETHING SOONER. AT LEAST THAT IS HOW I FELT. I STILL LOVE MY EX AND MISS HIM TO THIS DAY, IT'S BEEN JUST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE HAPPY AND IT'S UP TO ME TO DECIDE THAT...NOT HIM..GOOD LUCK AND YOU ARE WELCOME TO MAIL ME BACK IF YOU WANT TO TALK..C.

Wow, four kids in such a short time can be hard to adjust to, for both of you. It is easier for men to detach themselves, as they are usually not the primary caregiver. Sad as that may seem.

First you definitely need to look out for #1, yourself. Of course your children are your first priority, but who will take care of them if you fall apart. Get yourself to the gym, and begin a workout program. That is a great way to work through your anger. Not to mention the fact that as a bonus, you will have a great body in no time. It is a great way for you to have some alone time, and think things through, while you do 45 minutes on the eliptical. With the headphones on you can shut everything out.

If you have the means, suggest he move out, for a while. The distance may help him see thing more clearly as well. Of course the grass is greener when you are looking out the window and can hear the kids yelling in the background, and your wife has gone from a happy go lucky single gal, to a mom.
But, when he comes home to his new empty place, and cannot hear the giggles, and get the hugs, and the love,the emptiness inside will be real. He will then clearly see what he is missing. Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He is taken care of at home, it's clean, the fridge is full, and dinner may even be on the table. Still doing all his laundry??His arrival is heralded by the kids, and I suspect that you have been there to fulfill his other needs as well. We are all guilty of this at one time or another. Thinking that if I wow him in bed that he will realize that he loves me.
In the end, you may both be able to remember why you got together in the first place. Find that, and you may be able to salvage a working relationship, which is what you need to be able to divorce and both be there for the children. If you really find why you fell in love, and got married in the first place, you may see that it never left, it simply evolves. The shine wears off, there may be some scratches, or even a couple of dents, but inside it is still the same.

Ouch, I am sorry you are going through this..I have 2 girls 8yrs and 3 yrs and went through a divorce after only 2 1/2 years of marriage. My ex-husband chose his career over his family. I wish now that we went to counciling and worked on things better because it has taken a hugh toll on my family. However if your husband isn't willing to work on things with you it sounds to me that he is the one with the most issues. I would suggest possibly separating for the time being and that you seek counciling to help you work on the issues you might have. It does seem to put things in better perspective. It takes two and if he's not willing to better things for himself and your family then it's not worth you putting all your effort because in the long run if he's not willing to try it won't work. Maybe with a separation and some time apart he will miss what he has. Good luck to you, I know it's not easy for me raising 2 children on my own and having to work full time I can't even imagine having 4.

Hi T.,

First things first, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. Second, YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!

My advice is to be strong though you feel broken and weak. Don't let your life be predicated on your husband's actions and feelings because if you do you'll never make it. Men have fears and anxieties just as we do but it is selfish of him to let those feelings take over when the two of you are in the midst of raising four children. If it is convenient for you to leave than do so. I only would consider you leaving because you don't want him coming in and out of your home and disrupting the balance of what you need to create for yourself and your children if he is no longer in the picture. You can sit them down and tell them that Daddy doesn't live with us anymore but he still loves us. Sit them in a circle and count each one of them including yourself and tell them that the five of you are a family. Have them count with you and say with you that the five of you are a family. Kids need stability and they need to know that you can emotionally and physically handle taking care of them. Once they see that things may be thrown off balance they may become upset and afraid and you don't want that for them.

Though you are hurting right now it will pass. If he doesn't love you anymore than love yourself and love your children. Try to find out the lesson learned from this and try as hard as you can to move on. If you do decide to leave with the kids or stay just be sure to have a strong emotional support system. Your church, family and friends can lend tremendous support as you go through this difficult period in your life. Pay attention to your finances and pay attention to your needs. Be sure that you spend a little time alone each day so that you are able to better meet the needs of your little ones at home. Develop routines and schedules so that the burden of the things that your husband used to do in the home doesn't become overbearing to you. Slowly but surely get that routine going and stick with it.

It may not feel like it now T. but as I said in the beginning YOU CAN MAKE IT!!! Your going to be able to smile again and laugh and love like never before. Remember that and remember to let this situation be a spring board and not a hammock. Don't let it destroy you but build you to be a stronger person than you ever thought possible.

All the best!! This too shall pass!!

T., wow you have alot on your plate right now, I am divorced with a 7 year old little boy, from my marriage, I was married 10 years to my high school sweetheart and just like you I wanted to be able to guide my son in the right direction when he asked questions about Daddy's where abouts, go figure doesn't it seem like they ask you even more where their Daddy is at times like this, keep in mind your kids sense the tension if you don't think they know anything. In response to your question, T. only you knows the answers to your heart, take time for you too, lay down in a dark quiet room and think about 5 years from now is this the situation or relationship you want to still be in ?? Good luck to you !!
K.

First of all, my suggestion is NEVER blame yourself or try to change yourself, because it is not good for your well being, and it has no effect on his decision. Talking till you are blue in the face is not going to solve anything either. I hate sounding negative, but you will be putting unnecessary stress on yourself and your children by trying to persue him to stay. He made it clear that he doesn't want this marriage. What you need to do now is worry about YOU and your CHILDREN. Be honest with yourself. When the two of you have sat down and actually made separation or divorce official, then you tell the children. For now, when he is gone all the time, and they ask where he is, just tell them he is at the store. Children at those ages have no concept of time.
When it comes time to talk to the kids, you both sit down and tell them that mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, but that the two of you love them very much.
I wish you luck T., I hope this helps some. Hang in there, like I said, look out for number one, the only people that count now are you and the kids.

Hi T.,

I was there too 15 years ago. I gave my ex every opportunity to come back, go to couseling, etc... When they absolutely refuse to try anything that usually means there's someone else - no matter how much they deny it. Separate and give him time to get it out of his system. If you still want him back after that - let him know. They usually find out that even though the grass is greener on the other side - it still needs to be mowed! If after a reasonable amount of time he still refuses - then let him go . I know it sounds like the end of the world - I've been there too - but it's not. It's just one phase of your life ending and a new one waiting to begin. For me it was a whole new phase of my life that made me a better person.

J.

I know it's hard emotionally to think that your best friend doesn't love you any more. But Stop trying to please him. Dump the Bum! get him out of the house. Does being friend really work for you emotionally? All I heard from your writing is all about him. F-ck him. How dare he do that to you. He made a committment to you 5 years ago and now that he is no longer the center of your world he decides it's not working for him. Who the @#$@# does he thinks he is. You carried, gave birth to and care for all of his children. WHAT HAS HE DONE FOR YOU, Except break your heart and his promise. Divorse the Bum and take him for all he is worth.

I have tremendous respect for you - do you?

Good luck
B.

T.,
I am a 46 yo mom of 4. My husband was killed by a drunk driver 3 yrs ago. I thought I would never make it on my own. But women are very strong. This is my suggestion not knowing the full situation. Do not leave your home with your children. Tell your husband, who suddenly feels he is single to find a place. Don't rush into divorce since you seems to love him. 4 children in 5 years is alot for a man. He may just be going through one of those "man crisis". Let him sort it out, but tell him to take it somewhere else. Why should you lose. Please take care of yourself and your children first and foremost. This is not your fault! It's his. The children are young. Young children are very resilient if you are honest with them. The most important thing is to answer their questions about what is going on honestly, but dont tell if they dont ask. They must know that it is not their fault. I wish you all the best. Be strong.

Hi T.,I to went thru that we were married for 15yrs and 5 children . That was 16yrs ago. And believe me it was no picnic. but I survive.My children at time were twins 3,8,12,14.
Everybody said I wouldn't find a man who would want a women with 5 kids, but I did, we been together for 16yrs now.We have 8 grandchildren.To make this easier me and my sister would take turns when she wanted to go out I watch her kids and when I wanted to go she watch my kids.But he gave me support every week, because he knew if I took him to court they clean him out.but most of all make him do his part with the children, their also is children too.Their alot of women that went thru this , so don't think your alone, we will be here for you.
And if you want to do this on a more personnell note or just need some to vent to , you can also email karen312verizon.net

Please listen to me. No one can please someone by changing who they are. It sounds to me that you might be blaming yourself totally and this is completely wrong. You have four children - if your husband doesn't want to go to marriage counseling or talk to your local priest together his agenda is not the same as yours. As painful as this may be you have to face other reasons. Refusal to work on a marriage may indicate another woman; immaturity in regards to raising a family; fear of responsibility.

You must rely on you. Make a list of your options. Make him understand that if the marriage is over he has to pay. The state has a mandate on the amount of child support you would be due. He has to pay for each child, each week. I don't know if you work - if you don't consider a part time position so that you can support yourself at least in part. You are a strong woman who can do whatever she has to keep yourself and your children in a positive place.

Stop beating yourself over what you may have done. Start understanding that a decision to walk away from a marriage with small children without making an effort is cowardice.

Do keep trying to work things out. Do keep sharing your feelings with your husband but please do not fall into a depression because of someone elses choices.

You can emerge from this a stronger more self reliant woman. I know this because I myself was separated from my husband and left with 4 children. I learned alot about myself during this time.

We are all alot stronger than we realize.

Be well, Good Luck

Hi T.. I've been married for 21 years and yes, we have our ups and downs. There were one or twice that we had separated. My husband and I talked, talked and talked over and over. We had counseling and we even went on a retreat. We stick with our vows "for better or for worse". If he doesn't want counseling or anything to make this marriage to work but I hate to say this...for him to come and go as he please will make you suffer and be depressed more. There were lack of communication and not doing together were our problems. So you can either be separated for awhile so you will know what your feelings are and go from there or....end it. I don't want to upset you then what it is. If I did, I'm sorry. If you have your family around you and will support you in any way....you will be ok no matter what. If you want to talk to me more about it, email me at ____@____.com

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I know it is hard to face but your husband doesn't want to be married. i think you should ask him to leave, not you. You and your chidren will be better off. the kids will eventually stop asking when dad is coming home when they realize he doesn't live with you anymore. you will find the self respect you need. you will learn to make it on your own. most of all don't bad mouth your husband to the kids or in front of them. this will only make you look bad in the long run and it will hurt your children. just tell them that dad loves them. when it is time the kids will find out on there own what there father is really like. make sure you get the financial support you will need.
i went through this when my children were 5 and 10. it was the best thing i ever did. my kids are 20 and 25 and very well adjusted, with successful careers and are very happy. they love there father but realize what a schmuk he is. he will always be there dad.
i have been remarried for 10 yrs. and am very happy.
remember, there is someone out there who will love and appreciate you. good luck!

C.

I know its easier said than done but you need to completely refocus all of your energy on your 4 precious children. They need you and will thank you down the road for making them #1 during this rough time. It seems to me your husband has already disconnected emotionally and physically and there isn't anything you can do to change that right now. He isn't expending any energy on you or the children so you should try your hardest to do the same. If you can, see a therapist, they are extremely helpful and it will benefit you in your next relationship and the children too.

I know it seems like the end of the world right now but it isn't...really. Down the road you may look back and say its a blessing in disguise that you parted after only 5 years and not 15.

Do make your husband come up with a schedule to see the children and have him stick to it for their sake. Also make sure he understands his financial obligations to you and the children.

Hang in there and be strong!

Hi, T.. I think Dana B has some good advice. Don't write your marriage off totally just yet. We have one kid and any kind of challenge (like our recent move) can be like a hurricane. I can imagine how difficult even everyday struggles are with four children.

I think it's a lot easier for women to put everything aside for parenthood than it is for men. It sometimes seems men are left shellshocked when they find that they are no longer the primary focus of their wife's relationships. Maybe it would help to have your husband become more involved in the childen's lives so that they can be a joint endeavor for both of you. That said, your husband needs to realize that he wants to work on your marriage. Time spent without you at your behest, not his, might be what he needs.

I hope the two of you struggle (successfully) through this and come out a stronger family. I wish you best.

I do not have personal experience with this, but I have had several friends deal with this issue. All I can tell you is that you and your husband need to finalize your decisions and tell the children. The longer they live like this the harder it will be on them. They don't understand why Daddy is never there. And they will start to take responsibility for this. Especially because you can't give them an answer. Then find someone who loves you. Simple as that. Sounds like he has moved on, without you.

I am going through a similar situation. Just this past weekend, I've decided to call it quits w/ my husband...we've been married 5 years & have 3 boys from ages 4 to 1. I care about my husband, but do not feel any love or attraction for him anymore. (Mostly, like you, due to his lack of involvment & tempermental parenting style). We also went through this 2 years ago, but due to the fact that I found out I was carrying our last child, the seperation did not last very long. So, I'm pretty aware of how ugly this game can get. I don't think he's being fair in expecting you to shut your feelings from love to "friends" immediately. They are alot of raw emotions there that you'll have to deal with before you can move to that level, especially if you still love him. Honestly, if he wants to move on, then he needs to move out. You should not accommodate his "half in/half out" attitude. Both feet should either come in or get out. I found that being honest with your children is the best way to handle this. (At their level, of course)...but most importantly, they will not be ok with this situation until they know you are. Seeking some help/counseling of family, friends, or a professional would be helpful. If there are a few things about yourself that you would like to change (excuse me for being so blunt, but...) who the hell is he to tell you no?? Do it for you. Sometimes, when we allow ourselves to change, for us only, we find some truths that we were previously avoiding...ex - what you presumed to be love was really just settling in a comfortable zone. My feelings are this...there is no such thing as the idea that only 1 person is unhappy in a relationship. It usually just takes 1 person to initiate the truth. Good luck to you and your children. Please keep in touch :)

wow, you have gotten alot of support responses. thats one of the nice things i have noticed about this website. i (like everyone else)am so sorry you are going thru this. he will soon catch on that the grass isnt greener on the other side.

stay in your home, (as long as he will still pay for it) check your legal rights. start looking into county sponsored programs, etc. some places will give you emergency cash, etc. go to a church to see if they can help spiritually or financially. even if he pays for the house, try and start doing something so that you can start saving everything and anything. churches might also be a good place to go to find activities to keep the kids busy and safe. dont tell him of any money you are getting. no offense, but you dont owe him explainations right now. GO INTO SURVIVAL MODE. i know its probably very hard to get out of bed right now. if you cant go to a doctor, maybe try st. john wort. its an herbal anti depressant. it may help.

Give him a wake up call bring your biggest guns to the front line. Tell him you have sign your own family up for couseling and he is responable for telling the kids why his selfish needs are going to break up the only family they have ever known. Than you get a lawer and have him served with paper and how much he is going to pay for allamoney and child support. Than you look into his eyes and tell him I love you but I am not going to stand bye and lett you hurt this family any longer. Make a choise. Me or her.

i would ask my husb to go to counseling to see if our marriage can be saved and if he is not willing to go to counseling i would take my children to counseling to explain to them the mommy and daddy can no longer be married.

T.,

First, take care of yourself. If you don't, then you will be hurting yourself. You are a beautiful person, I am sure because you are a mother. I am a mother of 4 also and it is hard work.

Second, TAKE HIM TO COURT. You owe it to your children to get the support for them. You did not make them by yourself, you should not support them by yourself.

Third, stop listening to him about how things are not going to work and other things. I sounds like he is trying to destroy you mentally. Just keep your conversations about the children. Besides that, start your new journey.

Do something that will improve you. It can be going to school, getting a new career or getting a make over. Everything happens for a reason. I will keep you in my prayers.

T.,
My husband and I have been on very rocky terms lately too, so I have been thinking a lot about what I would do with myself and my son with only one income. You have 4 kids to worry about, so I realize that you must be under a great deal of stress. However, it seems like it has come to the point where he needs to leave. He can't just come and go as he pleases, while you take care of the kids and the house and endure his disrespect. As someone mentioned before, keep track of the money. Document as much as possible, preferrably in writing or with pictures in case you end up going to court someday. I've never been through a divorce before, but I imagine that it will help your case in court to have proof of his bad husband and fathering traits.
See if you can get assistance with child care so you can go back to work. There are many governemtn programs that are designed to help single mothers get on their feet. You and your children should not have to go anywhere, but maybe you can get housing assistance. If he wants to just be "friends," then he needs to file for divorce and pay child support. If he doesn't want to do that, then he needs to try to be an equal partner in the marriage. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You are strong... you have to be, for your children.
Goodluck!

Hi T., I just joined and read your problem. I for one would love to tell you. I have faced through the same problem as you and I too have 4 kids. I really suggest you dont tell your kids anything at this moment, because sometimes us parents go through so much stress we say and do things we then regreat. Maybe your husband has some kind of stress or problem and this is the way he wants to deal with it.
Have you tried asking what he wants? Is this problem because of economy problems work problems? you dont have to answer I want you to ask yourself. Do you know him so good to know he is not having an affair?
If so then just give him time and space. Trust in the Lord, he will bless your family and not let anything happen. If things do persist I ask you seek counseling but please do not tell your kids, just tell them Daddy is working over time.
Email me.

Life doesn't end as a single mother. It sounds like every time you see him he is making you put yourself down. Don't let anyone do that to you. Let your children be your joy, not a father/husband who has decided that he suddenly has changed feelings. He will realize that he is not the bond he thought he was holding the family together. A building can stand with a missing wall. When you convince yourself that HE is not worthy of you, you will see that he will finally realize that you don't need him to be that missing wall, because you can maintain your building on your own.

Don't leave! If he wants the marriage to be over, let HIM leave. Your children deserve to at least stay in the home they know, so they have the greatest consistency possible. For now, I'd say don't worry about making a decision. Ask him to try to be around for the kids as much as possible even while he wants to be "friends'; his decision to not work on his marriage should not be a factor in his wanting to be a father to his kids. In the meantime, work on the things about yourself you want to change, not for his sake, but for yours. You will be better off for it, whatever happens to your marriage. There is a great book called "The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. She also has a website; I don't know the address, but if you search on "Divorce Busting" or "Divorce Busters," you'll find it. It is great and very encouraging! Best of luck, T.; hang in there.