Help Explaining Death and Dying to 3 and 5 Year Olds.

I'll add another recommendation for Lifetimes. As a children's librarian, it's the book that I recommend first when asked for recommendations.

For us, it has been a little easier (for lack of a better word) to explain because we've always had animals so my kids understood from early on that living things die.

I would just answer their questions in the simplest of terms and not really add all kinds of confusing words, etc. Altho, I would stress that he is VERY sick so they don't think every time someone gets a little cold or something that the person will die!! And PLEASE PLEASE don't use the phrase THEY'VE GONE TO SLEEP!!!! I HATE when people use that terminology because then it makes children so confused and scared to go to sleep for fear they'll never wake up.

As for losing people - and I've lost several in the last few years - I've always told my children their soul has gone to heaven and their spirit is always around us.

So sorry for your community's loss:( He sounds like a really great man!

They will ask what they need to know. I know parents these days like to have a good lecture prepared but that really doesn't work. If you try to lecture you will miss a mess of stuff they find important and then they won't come to you because if it really was important you would have mentioned it. The other thing is you will include things that would never occur to them so then they have to figure out why you included them.

My ex owns funeral homes, I had to deal with explaining dying at a very young age. This is my area, really it is, swear to you my kids always asked what they needed to know.

As a parent educator, I can tell you that a three yr old will think death is reversible. The five year old will have somewhat of an understanding, but, is still young. Simple explanations are best.

The books mentioned are key in helping your kids understand. Why?
Be careful by not saying that he will be going to sleep or he is sick...Your kids might think this could happen to them. This is when the books mentioned are key.

When my daughter was little, we read the books. The books helped. Librarians (here) were always helpful picking out appropriate books for specific ages on this particular subject.

Another time, my daughter asked where my Aunt (She passed of cancer at a young age) went. I, then, asked her where Auntie went. My daughter replied, "Heaven! I know that is where she went. That is where Grandpa's dog went, too. You go to heaven when you die." (She reassured herself and did not ask again for weeks).

If she saw me crying, I would tell her that alot of people cry when they are going to miss somebody after they die. I reassured her that it was ok for me or anybody in the family to cry, if need be.

Sometimes when kids ask questions, they want to answer them themselves. They won't understand too many of the details. Keep it simple. It should not be conveyed as something frightening.

I keep a picture of my Uncle Robert out. He passed (unexpectedly) 2 yrs ago and I told them that when I look at the picture, it reminds me of all the good memories I had like....

I am so sorry to hear this sad news!

I see "Lifetimes" has already been mentioned. My 4 year old loves that book. It makes things very simple & matter-of-fact without putting emphasis on grief. Our pastor's wife died of cancer in just under a year, a very rare type, no hope of remission. We did our best to prepare our son that she wasn't going to get better and she would leave her body soon. He never got upset, but he did ask a lot of questions. Some questions we just had to say "well nobody knows for sure, but I believe ____."

Occasionally he'll ask to read the book again, or if someone mentions a person or animal dying, he'll just say "they died because they were sick, or their body could go on living any more." I think it makes death less frightening to take some of the mystery and taboo away.

There are many children's books that talk about death, but on a child's level.
We liked. "Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs" by Tomie depola
'Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children" by Bryan Mellonie
" Remembering Crystal by Sebastian Loth"

All of these are available on Amazon, used.

when our daughter was in daycare, the mother of one of the children wias killed in a car accident. i was so worried about how our daughter would react. But i purchased some books, and we read them. We talked about it and she was fine.. The only thing she asked was "How is he going to buy his food?"

I told her, "his grandparents are going to take him"
She asked "what if his Grand parents die? He is too little to drive.".

I told her "He can live with us and I will take him to the store."
Her answer.." That is a good plan."

That was the only thing she was concerned about.

With your children.. You can let them ask you questions and you answer on their level.

You can explain to them that ALL living things have a life with a beginning, a middle and an end.
You can also explain that when people are sick doctors can use medicine and other tools to "fix" them up. But sometimes, when people are very sick, or very old, medicine isn't enough to "fix" them and their life is over. Or at the end.
There's a good book called Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie which supports those concepts.

Then be ready to answer any & all questions that they might have after that.
Kids kind of "digest" these concepts slowly, so don't be surprised if they have kind of a delayed reaction...and think of questions hours or days later....

Sorry about your neighbor. Sounds like a nice guy. :)

Well sadly I'm well versed in this topic it seems. We have had a lot of death around our children who are almost 5 and almost 3. The latest being just 2 weeks ago...my niece committed suicide, so this is a fresh topic for me. I suggest being as honest as possible with them.

In your case your friend is elderly and has a condition in which the doctors cannot cure. This will make your platform easier I think. Explain to them that he has an illness and the doctor's checked him out and can't fix him. Slowly he'll start getting weaker, etc. and then he will die. I would use the words cancer and die, too many euphamisms and the kids can get confused.

If you believe in Heaven then talk about it. Your 5 y/o will understand more and be able to process it easier than the 3 y/o, but don't count him out either. My son, who will be 3 this month, has surprised me with how much he understands about what is happening in our lives right now.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough, but to be honest, the kids seem to have a much more calm and matter of fact approach to death than we adults.

Kids are extremely resilient. My daughter was turning 3 when my son, her brother died. I was honest with her and answered questions as they came up although there were a lot of questions I had no answers for.

When we get old our body wears out and stops working.

One thing I like to tell them is that though the person is no longer here the love or friendship will always be here. Love does not die and we can always remember the special moments we had with them.

If the man is willing take some pictures of him and your children spending time together. After he passes you will have the pictures to show them that he does care about them but it was time for him to go.

Two other posters have suggested the book I would have suggested:"Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie. Last year, one of my son's preschool classmates had a younger sibling die. This book was very helpful for us. I think the point of it is to only give the information they ask for specifically, be prepared that your children may have a lot of questions about your mortality, as well as their own, and to reassure as much as possible without offering "well hopefully you/I will live a long time, unless...". Just really strong, positive statements "Daddy and I are going to be alive for a very, very long time, until you too are an old man/woman". This is what they need at this age-- a very strong message that their immediate loved ones (or themselves) are not going to die anytime soon.

I am also unsure how wise it is to 'prepare' children too much ahead of time. I would let them enjoy their friendship with this older person in their life until it is necessary to tell them. This may be just days before his death-- I don't know how often you see him or what kind of relationship he has with the children. I suggest this (waiting a bit) only because some children may become very anxious and not want to visit people who they know are dying. This is a pretty huge thing for kids to wrap their heads around. Only you will know what your children are up for. If it were me in this situation, I likely wouldn't tell my son too much until the person was moved into hospice or receiving hospice care, and then to explain it gently. "Our friend is not well, his body isn't working well any more and people are helping him to be comfortable now." This alone will probably prompt questions or at least give the children an awareness that all is not well for this person.

I am sorry for your, and your community's, loss.

In additon to what others have said, some things I've found very helpful in talking with young kids about death and dying is:
1. Use the words died, dead...not passed away or lost because that can be confusing to kids.
2. I like to use references they are familiar with...one of my favorites is leaves. Explaining to them that when leaves on the trees are green they are working well and are alive, they feel soft and bend when we touch them. When leaves start turning colors, they are still alive, but they are not working very well anymore and are getting ready to die, they still feel soft and bend in our hand, but something has changed. Then, when they fall to the ground and are hard, crunchy and brown, they have stopped working and have died. Our bodies are kind of like this, sometimes things happen to make them change (major accidents, major illnesses, wearing out from old age) and they stop working. Just like the leaves, when a leaf dies, it is not going to grow back...it is gone forever. Other leaves grow the next year and other special people will come into your life, but this one won't.
Just a couple ideas to support your little ones. All the best in this process.
E.

My mom died 1.5 years ago from lung cancer, my daughter was 2.5. I have to tell you that kids just know...its that simple. Less is more with them I truely believe. Dont tell them anything they dont ask. I turned the death into a "...but now she is in heaven looking at us waving...can you see her?? See...right up in the sky...wave!!!" Of course they cant, but I didnt want her to be sad and upset, because death is something natural and happens all the time (unfortuantly). We go to the beach each yr and have a "party" on her birthday and let balloons go to her...my daughter really enjoys it (now almost 4).
She does still ask about grandma a lot, more than I ever thought she would. But I made a scrapbook for her, and she LOVES to look at it. Somethimes she gets sad and upset and asks questions like "why cant we go to Heaven and see grandma mom??!" And those are tough questions to answer...especially since I wish the same thing...I miss my mom terribly as well. But kids bounce back so well, just trust in that.
And DONT tell them they went to sleep, or that they were sick! I know others said that, but I had to say it too. Sorry for your loss.