He Wants His Girlfriend to Meet Our Baby- What Do I Do??

What does your parenting plan say? I agree it would be nice if we could just get along and think of kids first, but at the same time, for him to want to include his daughter in his relationship is a good thing, he's a package deal. Don't like my daughter, I don't have any time for you. Granted 20 may seem a little young, but many women are moms once, twice, three times over by that age. Be thankful that this young woman isn't. You need to contact a lawyer to draw up your parenting plan if you don't have one. This parenting plan would also outline the support payments, heathcare, college planning, all those things you're not thinking of when you're moving him out saying 'Good ridance!!' Short visits on a Saturday afternoon, no overnights right now. He should understand. If a compromise can't be reached, you need a guardian ad liem to speak on behalf of your daughter and not you. This is about her now. Best of luck!!!

Well duh, of course you changed when you became a mommy. Your Ex is an idiot. People don't stay the same, life changes & so must we to adapt to the situation. Why are men so studpid when it comes to this part of life. I say six moths givin his history & I would get it in writing in your parenting agreement. Make sure you parenting agreement is specific & ironclad.

I've been in a similar situation before. My oldest daughter was 3 years old when I started dating my now husband. I hadn't dated at all in her life until then and I was adamant that I wouldn't parade different men in and out of her life. I explained this to my husband (then boyfriend) and he was totally understanding of my feelings. After we'd been dating about 3 months my daughter decided on her own that she wanted to meet him. One night when I was about to leave for a date, she snuck down the stairs behind me and said to him "you wanna watch Elmo with me?" and they've been inseparable ever since.

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I think what you're asking of your ex is very reasonable and I think you should stick to your guns. Even if it upsets him. Ultimately it's what's best for your daughter that should matter most to him. I would think his girlfriend would be understanding of your feelings, too. While they may think their relationship is going to last forever, that has yet to be seen only 1 month in. Is it possible for you to talk to her about it? Maybe explain to her that it's nothing personal against her, but that it's a firm policy you aren't comfortable budging on. Even in your own dating life.

I'm sure there's nothing wrong with a casual introduction, but I don't see why it can't wait a couple more months. Good luck to you on this. I know it must be hard.

I agree w/ all who said make it legal in the parenting plan. I work in courts and I see where this stuff goes. Even most judges, when the decision is left up to them, will have a guardian ad litem do a background check on the new love interest and will make sure there is an "adequate" time frame elapsed before there is contact, much less regular contact. It's not a joke or a toy. You're doing the right thing.

Brooke:

Ditto with everyone else: you are in the right here. Your ex sounds incredibly immature. His daughter is a human being, not a puppy to show off when he wants and pass off to someone else when inconvenient. Heck, even puppies need to form healthy attachments and shouldn't be passed around from person to person based on a whim.

However, if it's not stipulated in your parenting plan and he has visitation rights, he can introduce her to whomever he wants when she's with him.

I would go back to your lawyer and talk about how to get this in writing. If that is not possible and your ex has visitation rights, you're going to have to continue to appeal to his conscience.

Perhaps you've already done this, but if not, you could try writing him a letter that expresses your concerns along with your memories of growing up with a lot of your mom's boyfriends.

Try to state the good things you remember about him; mention the areas in your marriage that YOU are sorry for. In other words, try to show him that you are not just bitter and angry about everything, which would make him believe you are just trying to seek revenge. I would also let him know that you fully understand and expect that he (and you) will have other relationships and that your daughter will meet some of these people during her life. Wish him well in his current relationship.

Then tell him when you would be comfortable with either of you introducing a new person in her life - be sure to tell him that you will agree to everything you are asking from him. If he has to be in a relationship for at least 6 months, so do you.

Have a neutral person read the letter and don't be defensive if they say your letter sounds too angry or bitter. It's really, really hard for us to hear or see ourselves objectively.

I wish you the best of luck with this - people do change and it's absolutely possible your ex will mature over time and become a wonderful daddy to his daughter. At this point, however, he is only thinking about himself. I have prayed for you and your daughter and I hope things work out for the best.

I agree with YOU 100% Do NOT break down. He walked out on his daughter and the girlfriend has no rights. Absolutely not! It's not fair to your daughter and that's your priority. Not that my opinion is worth anything, but...:). Good luck!

You are so correct. Any parenting course (or anyone with common sense really!) says that you should not introduce your love interest until at least the 6th month and some recommend not till you are sure you are going to plan on being with them. At 15 months things are confusing and he shouldn't be so eager to mix things up even more. Look up information online for him and try to find books to explain the situation. I know he might be immature about it, so you may just have to stick to your guns on the issue.

I don't think you're overreacting, but I also think that a casual introduction/meeting is probably fine.
It really depends on how it is set up. Let's say he takes her to the zoo or some activities for a few hours and introduces his girlfriend as a friend... that's probably fine, especially if the two of them can "behave" in front of your baby.
On the other hand, sleepovers with the girlfriend present or leaving your child alone with the girlfriend would be an absolute NO WAY! Not only because of the confusion it may cause for your child, but also because frankly, I would not leave my child with anyone me or her dad have only known for a month. Period.

Your situation seems so familiar. My ex walked away from our marriage and family (and responsibilities) shortly after our twins' first birthday. He had a new girlfriend in another state and moved there a month after he left our home. He didn't try to involve her, though, thankfully, but he also didn't see the kids for the next 2.5 years. He's just a year ago come back into their lives and wants to play dad of the year from 2,000 miles away. It's so frustrating to deal with someone so selfish and immature, so I really feel for you. I agree with you completely. I dated several guys before I had one I wanted to introduce to my boys, and now I'm happily married to that one. Unless the person is going to be involved long-term, there's no need to bring the child into that relationship. It serves no good purpose for the child, and that is all that matters in these situations.

You are not being unreasonable. You are trying to do what is the best for your daughter. Bravo.

Hi! I feel bad for you and can empathize. I am in the process of filing for divorce from my husband and am 9 months pregnant with my second child. I don't know what it is with guys from our generation that start cheating once they have kids. My best friend is also going through the same thing her husband left when her daughter was 15 months old for a younger girlfriend. I think a lot of guys in our age group are loathe to grow up. They like it when everything is about them. I worked really hard to keep my husband feeling special after the baby but things DO CHANGE when you have a family. I just think a lot of men out there need to understand that life is not just all about fun and self-gratification. I am not looking forward to the whole introduction of girlfriends into our kids lives either. I agree that it is important to wait at least 3 months. It sounds like your husband does not have your childs best interest at heart.

Brooke,
I commend your commitment to not repeating the mistakes of your single parent, and I think that your stance on not letting him bring random girls in and out of your daughters life is the best! I once was the 20yr old dating the older guy with kids, and I really liked the kids, but eventually got bored with the guy, and it was done... not without hurting the kids... I tried, but there really is no nice way to do that. Also you should mention to your ex that he needs to realize that he is the kind of man your daughter will one day seek out, and if she grows up with a parade of different "daddy's girlfriends" what kind of example is he setting! Good luck to you, stand your ground! But dont be a hypocrite either... it you want him to keep his love life away from your child, then you need to be prepared for that as well should you start dating again.

Good luck, I really mean it... you are making the right choice for your daughter's development!

You are NOT overreacting. Only someone who is very very very young would not understand that their boyfriends exe's child is not a puppy...and that his ex is the MOTHER of that child...not some unimportant character in a book. Either she's showing how young she is, or your ex is doing a power play.

Stay firm. You're in the right.

z

Caveat: If your custody agreement gives him days alone with your daughter, unless she poses a risk, you don't have a lot of ground to stand on LEGALLY speaking, unless that 3 or 6 month dating time is written in there. Morally, of course, you're fully in your rights...but that's why people pull their hair out so frequently regarding divorce/custody.

Wow... this is a tough one. I'm sure others will respond too who have more experience than I do. Personally I think maybe you're overreacting right now. Her just meeting the baby isn't the same as becoming a step-mom.
Looking at it from the perspective of their relationship... the way she gets along with the baby might make the difference of whether they stay together. And having to wait months longer just to figure out that she isn't a good match for him is just prolonging things.
Right now your daughter is young enough that its just the same as having an aunt or a friend holding her. She isn't going to bond instantly to her.

Overall though I can understand your perspective. My parents were divorced when I was 2.5 and my mom was the one who cycled through the men. When she finally did hook up with one who she eventually married... it was hard for me to trust that the relationship was going to work. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.

Of course you changed after having a baby, it's called growing up! Which it seems like he has some of his own to do. Sounds like the responsibilities scared him...especially after being with you for a while! While I'm sure a 20 year old won't be around forever you can't control too much who he introduced to the baby. And I think as long as they're not kissing in front of her or being inappropriate it won't hurt (except maybe hurt you). I don't know him but do you think he would want to hurt his child? Probably not right? It's good to expose children to many different types of people and relationships do (unfortunately) end or change, so it's good for children to see how we as adults handle those changes and emotions. Sorry you're hurting and glad you're putting your child first! Remember to take care of yourself in there so you can be strong for her :)

Absolutely you have the right to keep your daughter away from his girlfriend. Stick to your guns and good luck!

Are you kidding- How selfish of him! I would put my foot down and try to get him to see how selfish he is being. How about a commited relationship of a yr or two!!

Maybe you did change.. but that's because your a mommy now with different responsibilities.. any chance you can get into counseling..For your baby.

If you are divorced you probably have an attorney-- You could call them and lay down the law;-) It depends how strongly you feel about the situation and how harmful it would be to your daughter.

You are not being unreasonable. Stand exactly where you are and don't give an inch--in fact take an inch or two. Make him wait until he has visitation rights established and then see how enamored he is of single parenthood. After that he can introduce his girlfriend.

Hi Brooke. I am a single mother my self. I told my ex-husband the same thing. He ended up breaking up with her. No you are not being unreasonable by telling him not to bring different women into your baby's live. Stand your ground and don't let him do that to your baby. He needs to show that he can be in a stable relationship and not just a fling and put baby into the mix. Be strong and you can do it. Take care Brooke.

Absolutely do not let his girlfriend see the baby. You are being a good mother by stating that one must be in a committed relationship for at LEAST 6 months. Do not let your child become a pawn and end up having men issues because of an unconscious father.

Be Strong! Much Love.....

Unfortunately, once you are not a couple anymore, he is still the other parent and can do what he deems best when it's his turn to have the child. I agree, I wouldn't want a ton of women paraded past my baby either, but unless the parenting plan stipulates such a thing (which I doubt) you can't tell him what to do with her on "his" time. I don't know why he even told you.......stupid man I guess. Bottom line is the togetherness is over.....and you won't be parenting together much either if he resents you. I know my X had his own ideas about things. My hands were tied.

You are NOT over-reacting. I agree with other posts about trying to find some information to back it up to present to your ex. If you have a custody agreement that gives him alone time with her then you don't have too much control over those situations, so if you do have an agreement and he is asking you first, then he obviously still wants your approval. Also, before you let your daughter meet the girl, you should tell your ex you would like to meet her, to get an idea of what kind of person she is. It is in your daughter's best interest for you to both be on the same page, and 3-6 months is not that long to wait while you each get to know someone to see if they are right for you let alone your daughter. Best of luck.

I haven't read all the responses but it would seem to me that it could be fine for them to at least meet, in some kind of a short and casual encounter (making it not a big deal, nothing at all like - this is daddy's new girlfriend and your new mommy! more like, this is my friend so-and-so). The fact that you have been fighting about this for weeks, even if you're not doing it in front of your daughter, I'm sure has affected her. I assume she has visitations with her father, and that she is exposed to other friends of his? I agree that it probably would not be good, at this point, for your daughter to spend a lot of time with the new girlfriend and form an attachment to her, but I think that it might be good for everyone if you and your ex could come to an agreement about how much time would be reasonable for them to spend together - especially if your decision to let them meet helps your ex to understand your concerns and agree to limit their time together. Have you met the new girlfriend? It might be good for you to talk with her directly about your concerns, so that hopefully she will understand and agree to limit her exposure and attachment to your daughter. And then I'd pay close attention to whether you feel like she and your ex really do understand and agree to reasonable limits. I do understand where you are coming from, with your experience growing up, and I also understand how hard it can be to go through a separation and deal with an ex, but for your daughter's sake I hope you can set aside your issues (maybe see a counselor?) and work this out so there is more harmony. I can also understand the girlfriend's and your ex's desire to have them meet, as this will help them in their process of discovering whether they are a good match. But always of course keeping your daughter's needs first. Of course you want to protect her and that is really important, but the reality of life is that people come and go, and you can help her through life's painful times rather than trying to shelter her always.

You're going to have to parent with him for a long time so it might be best to work out a plan that works for both of you when you're both calm about it. Your daughter is little enough now that she won't notice if he brings a new girl over every month.

Personally, I wouldn't let a new boy/girlfriend meet my child right away either. I agree that waiting at least 6 months is reasonable.

I agree with you 100%, but there is nothing you can do about what Daddy does on his time with your daughter.

Don't doubt your maternal instinct!! Stick to your guns.

Brooke,

You have every right to say you do not want an endless parade of tart of the week around your daughter. Sorry my prejudices are showing. HE left YOU, remind him of that. Unless and until he can get his head out of his fifth point of contact I wouldn't let him bring anyone new around your daughter.

That's the protective side of me cropping up. In case you hadn't noticed I don't think it's a good idea to have random strangers in and out of a young child's life. They need consistency and routine, not chaos and confusion.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I have zero experience with this, however, if this was the case that my ex didn't want a family life and decided it wasn't fun and then wanted his girlfriend to meet my baby, I would so no way. I think it would be different maybe if later down the road, after the child was older and you guys split up and he was an involved daddy. But I completely agree that you are right in protecting your child. Stick to your guns on this one.

my mom didn't subject us to dozens of "uncles" or anything, but we had to meet every single guy she went out on a date with and, i gotta tell ya, it was annoying, frustrating, and boring. i hated it. why should i get to know someone if they aren't going to stick around for long? i have a firm policy with her now that until she's been dating a guy for a while and i have met him and approve, i do not have an obligation to introduce my children to her boyfriends.
there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your daughter from strange women walking in and out of her life because daddy can't be an adult about things. it's not fair for your daughter to get attached to someone just to have them walk out because daddy won't grow up and put his kid first. legally, there's nothing you can do unless your caveat is in your stipulated parenting plan. in the meantime, try talking to the girlfriend and remind her that fine, she's a part of your daughter's life...but your her mother, and that will never change. she may have fantasies of wanting to take over and play mommy and that needs to stop. it's one thing for a stepmom to co-parent with the mother (which i did with my ex-husband's ex-wife, and to this day we have a great relationship!), it's another for the stepmom/stepmom type to try and take over. boundaries need to be set up as early as possible to avoid any confusion over who is the parent and who is not.
and, take heart. your daughter will always know who her mother is, no matter what.

You're being perfectly reasonable. This is one of the huge reasons that I never pursued my son's father for child-support or help. Unless he has visitation that allows him to take your daughter by himself, then you need to stick by your guns. However, it sounds like if he's going to be involved then this is going to be a life-long fight. I wish you the best with this. I raised my son alone until last year (when I got married and my husband adopted my child), so I understand the struggles.

Hi Brook.

I went through the same thing, only I "didn't know what was going on" Of course I knew, I could feel it. Mine said the same thing, "you've changed since the baby" It's true, We moms do change, but they also need to realize that we have to adapt, and those precious little bundles are new to us too, and getting to know anyone takes time.

I never thought it would be me either that would be the single parent, thankfully, I got a second chance and I am happily married.

As to your daughter, you can only hope that your ex can respect you and your daughter enough not to bring a new girlfriend home every week. I was absolutly horrified that my ex had left MY son alone with the girlfriend, who doesn't have a clue...really, and had gone out with buddies.
When I married, I explained to my ex that children need routines, and they don't handle change very well. I told him that my husband was a good man that I wouldn't be afraid to leave my child with. He needed to take that same regard for our son, and for me.
Ultimatly, you do what is in that mommy gut, and never ever second guess yourself.

:)
A.

I agree with all you said.IMO, regardless of who it is, should be in a commeted relationship at least 6 months or longer before bringing your daughter into things.

I have a 2.5 yr old and I too became a single parent when she was about 6 months old.Sooner if u consider when he actually stopped coming home and acting as a family, helping out etc....in that case he checked out when she was about 4 months old even tho I continued to stay.I wanted it to work out but knew it wouldn't so packed what I had to have on a daily basic and went packin' back to moms and got back on my own 2 feet in a few months after I could get back into the work force.

I met a great guy (who happen to be a coworker) and didn't let my daughter spend any real time with him until she was about 9 months old tho she did see him a couple days a week because my mom would meet me at my work to get my daughter from me due to schedules overlapping about 30 min.So they never really had contact more then 15 min visits tho I didn't think it was too much considering we were just friends at that point.It's worked out great and he's her father since her bio father too decided that family life, at least not ours, wasn't for him.

Sorry for blabbering..lol..But I do agree with u, specially being someone who's gone thru it.

It sounds to me like you x is selfish and needs to grow up. you child is not a new puppy that you decide your tired of or can show off to all your friends. I think you are absolutley right. stick to you guns. Children are very impressionable and there is no reason to bring this teenager into her life when most likely she won't be around long anyway. don't back down. You child can't speak for herself. you are her only voice. good luck

I think you are completely correct. Hold your ground. I know it must be so hard! He sounds so self centered, I wish I could punch him. He wants to choose when its convenient and fun to have a child, and the other times he doesn't want it. Shame on him!