Last night I was talking to my husband about learning a new language and then teaching it to our son (now 19mo) when he's a little older. I've done quite a bit of research on it. I asked a question on here, talked with a friend of mine from Europe, looking into german clubs, looked at programs like rosetta stone, and put A LOT of thought into the best way to go about this. I started the conversation by telling him all that I had done and then asked him if he would be interested in learning german. He said not really but he's not refusing to learn either. He doesn't want to spend the time. This is fine, actually just what I expected. So then I told him that to help keep the language relevant in our home I was thinking of once a week having a "german day". Where we only speak german, eat german food, try a few german customs and traditions to help understand their culture better. Well my husband followed that up with a rediculous statement that's not worth repeating. Basically he made me feel like he felt it was ok for us to learn the language but not to speak it in our house for fear of losing our american culture. So I told him right away, "I'm feeling very defensive right now, am I understanding you right" then repeated back what I thought he was saying. He confirmed it and then elaborated on it with more rediculous statements. Then he dropped a bomb on me (said screw anyone who doesn't live in the US)and I got REALLY mad. Told him this conversation was turning into a fight very fast, I was very angry, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. He apologized for being a jerk right away, apologized for what he had said and was very sincere about it. We came back to it about 30 min later when I was not so emotional and tried talking about it again. Long story short after about an hour of talking we worked it out and had a much better understanding of each other.
EDIT: I should probably mention...this was not the first time we talked about this...it was actually the 4th or 5th time..it was just that I had finally gotten done looking into and wanted his input on it. I decided on German because most of our ancestory is from Germany and I thought this of any culture outside of the US would be the one he is most interested in. I don't expect him to learn the language or participate...just wanted his input on my idea of keeping the laguage relevant, and not just for learning. I didn't want this question to get too long and didn't think all that was that important to include...
One of my ways of communication is to express the emotion I'm feeling. He prefers to give me the cold shoulder until I force it out of him what the problem is. This is his way of avoiding having to express himself, and he doesn't like it that I tell him when I'm mad. He feels that it's attacking him and he has nothing left to do but apologize or fight with me. We have VERY rarely raised our voices to each other and most of the time when we dissagree on something we spend the time talking about it, not yelling at each other.
Usually when I'm faced with an offensive person I become a little like a doormat. I don't see the need to constantly stand up for myself on the little issues and in my experience when I stand up for the really big issues it can cause more stress for me than good. So for the most part when dealing with almost anyone but my husband I don't make an issue out of my feelings. My husband doesn't think this is fair and thinks that I should let everything go with him like I do with everyone else. My feelings on it is that I care about my relationship with him more than anyone else and I want him to understand how I feel. I want to make sure our partnership is equal, open, and issue free.
So I know my husband and I have a few hidden issues we need to work out. He's very unwilling to see a professional and I've recently purchased a few books that are geared to help with marriage and more specifcally communication. I talked to him last night and he's willing to work on it. But my question...am I really being unfair with him? Should I stand up for myself on the issues with others or should I let go of the issues I have with him? I don't bother him with every little thing, only when I feel like it's something I need to talk to him about...like last night with the language thing.
Thank you everyone for the feedback. Most of it was helpful, some of it just made me feel very defensive.
One thing I would like to add...I spent 6 years learning Spanish, becuase I don't use it and don't apply it, I can hardly speak it anymore (12yrs since my last class). I can understand most of it, and I'm sure I would pick it up quickly again. I wanted a way to keep the german relevant and not spend all that time learning it, just to forget it because of lack of application. I WANTED german because of the ties back to our family, and thought my HUSBAND would take an interest in it...it wasn't ALL about me. This was NOT a act of selfishness.
I didn't think I would get so much feedback about the german thing...I only was using that as an example of how simple conversations can turn into an argument, how I try to communicate, and how he feels I'm being unfair. We really did come to a MUCH better understanding of each other. I understood a whole lot better why he went were he did with his comments (not so much becuase he felt that way but because he didn't want a german day) and he understood I was really just looking for his feedback and if he even wanted to participate. I mentioned the professional help thing not because I think we need to go to a couselor but because that seems to be the go to advice on this site, and I wanted to head off advice I wouldn't listen to anyway.
All in all...I realy enjoyed some of the advice about how to (or even to) address issues with him. I want to communicate better with him so that we can avoid so many hurt feelings, and just be that much stronger of a partnership. Thank you mamas!!
I have to agree w/ the others. If you want to learn German, great. Do it. But expecting someone who has no interest in it to have a once a week German day is way over the top.
Don't see why he has to be "on board" for you & child to learn some German. Just go ahead!
Can't you do 'German Day' when he's at work, away, whatever? I wouldn't attempt it when there's a wet rag around! lol
All I hear in your post is "I", "I", "I". Is this entire looooonnnng post really just about learning a new language and your husband not wanting too? I think it is great you want to learn a new language. However, your bullish attitude about your husband not having an interest in learning a language YOU chose w/ no input from him is quite appalling. To answer your question, yes you are being unfair and I would venture to say even selfish. If you want to learn a new language that's great, go do it! But don't expect others, even your husband and your son, to embrace YOUR interests.
You asked him what he thought and he told you.
It wasn't the answer you wanted to hear.
You tell him you're mad and he feels attacked and "he has nothing left to do but apologize or fight with me.".
So far I'm not seeing how he is wrong.
His assessment seems fairly accurate.
So 30 min later you guys hash it out again and come to an agreement.
I think I'd have to call it rapid fire badgering.
And you want him to see a professional?
When I'm mad I generally need more than 30 min to calm down, sort out my feelings, decide my position on the issue and come up with a response.
When he felt attacked he said things he knew would get you angry so you would back off for awhile and need to calm down. That gave him a little time to think things over.
No relationship is issue free. Every couple needs ways of airing out the issues that arise and coming to a resolution.
Take a look at the way you handle things when you get bad news or don't get your way. Next time, try to tell him you need some time to sort through your feelings and you can talk about it again 24 or 48 hours later.
I think you should imagine what it would be like if your husband wanted to learn Hindi, and have a Hindi day once a week. Would you be willing to embrace it if it wasn't the culture or language you chose.
I really wouldn't enjoy a German day, eat sleep, talk once a week - personally.
Now and again would be ok, and I am sure he wouldn't mind you learning the language, but if he doesn't want to, then you can't expect him to be happy about it!
The screw anyone who doesn't live in the US comment was probably just a retaliation, and he apologized immediately, so just let it go
Well, I do not see anything wrong with learning a language with your child. However-I do think your German Day idea is a little much. If my husband came to me with this I would tell him I would do it once, maybe twice just to humor him-but not weekly. So I don't blame your husband for not wanting to play 'German' each week. And not for the nationalistic reason your husband gives but (no offense) it would really annoy me if I had to do it on a regular basis. If you must do this make it between you and your child.
You should go back to read your line about your partnership being equal. Right now from your post it seems a little more about you and your needs. Not everyone chooses to communicate as openly as you. In an ideal world, yes, we all would talk immediately about each and every feeling until no stone is left unturned. But in reality it is a difficult thing for many people to do(me included) and especially men. IT sounds to me like he is really trying.
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I have to say that it doesn't seem like you are being fair to your husband. You are basically trying to force him into fitting into your plan for language immersion, one that he isn't interested in to begin with.
As a side note, you do not need both parents to be speaking the language in order to teach it to the child. I grew up in a home where one parent spoke one language and one spoke another. DH and I are doing the same thing. I only speak to my son in Portuguese, which DH is not fluent in, and our son is growing up being able to speak both languages.
I would have a huge problem with his "screw anybody that doesn't live in the U.S" statement. That's a horrible example for your child! If you want to learn German, learn German...you are not going to lose your American roots. My very American mother moved to China six years ago (speaks Mandarin) and hasn't lost her roots or customs. My daughter learned Spanish from her Nani before she went to school and has learned French later as well. To address your question, I feel it is best to pick your battles.
I wouldn't be thrilled about the German day every week either. Either he goes along and learns German or he is basically excluded in his own home one day a week. It sounds like you are wanting to control how he communicates his feelings which isn't fair in my book.
Do it yourself and teach it to your son. If your husband isn't interested I think it is okay, learning a new language isn't easy, if he isn't up to it and you are that is fine. GO FOR IT!! I wish I knew two languages. I think it is a great idea!!
you two just have different communications methods. he probably felt backed into a corner because you didn't consult him or plan your german day with his input and cooperation, just dropped it on him. so he didn't have time to process any of it, and when you pushed he pushed back, and not very nicely.
you got defensive because he wasn't immediately 100% in with you and then felt the need to defend your position because it felt to you as if you were under attack (not surprising because he was a bit ugly about it).
this is not insurmountable.
but you can't just shove him into it (he probably feels equally pushed about going to see a counselor.) if you want to feel like an equal in the relationship, you have to allow him to do so also. he needs to be involved in the discussion, brainstorming and planning stages instead of just being presented with your conclusions. if you guys have a pattern of him refusing to discuss and you doing all the research then plopping it on him, it will take some time to break out of these molds.
of course you should stand up for yourself, but that doesn't mean being silent and then giving ultimatums. maybe letting things unfold more organically will feel more natural and less pushy to him. for example, tell him that you're thinking of learning a different language and exposing the baby to it and the culture. then let it go, let him ponder it for a while. maybe ask for suggestions as to what cultures HE might like to see his family explore. later on tell him about rosetta stone. occasionally bring home a movie or book to share about your (mutual) choice. let it arise naturally in the conversation. let him be a part of the planning process.
khairete
S.
I recommend the book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen. She has other good books too. She explains how men and women can walk away from the same conversation with different ideas about what was said. She goes into great detail about the differences in the way men and women communicate. Eye opening :)
There are two issues, it sounds like: German day and your being a doormat.
On German Day - hubby apologized sincerely for what sounded like a bigoted comment, so let it go. You can learn German on your own, and teach some of it to your kids if you wish. "German Day" on the other hand, won't be fun anyway if all participants aren't happy with it. So don't bother.
No, you shouldn't always be a doormat with your husband. His reaction (not wanting to deal with emotion or confrontation) is typically male. Males aren't females, and don't appreciate these things.
So if something is important to you, push it, but recognize that others don't have to want to do what you want to do, so you have to recognize when to stop pushing.
Have fun. Marriage is work.
If I understand you, your question is "is it fair that you talk out your feelings/stand up for yourself with him but not necessarily others".
Well, I have no advice as I absolutely hate confrontation. I just thought it was funny because the other day my husband told me he wishes I had the balls (excuse the language) to talk to others and stand up for myself with others the way I do with him! I just told him I don't have to live with those other people so I really don't care, but I have to live with him so certain things are just not going to fly.
As for learning German, good for you! My husband is of German descent (I think I spelled that wrong!) and I would love to teach my kids German someday!
P.S. When I was in highschool, everyone had to take at least one year of a foreign lanuage. What a step up this could be for your kids!
Sounds to me like you're controlling and nagging him a bit.... and your son is only 19 months old so I don't get what the rush is. If you want to learn German learn it. Have your German day with your son when your hubby is at work. It's a nice idea, but it would be hard to do anyway, and especially if someone isn't on board. (And frankly if someone was telling me I had to do a German day in my home -- and I'm German by the way -- I would think "UGH.")
I don't see why he needs professional help. And yes I think you're being very unfair. Does he work all day to support you and your son? If so I think he's plenty busy without having to learn another language -- and German is an extremely difficult one to learn. And if you're not going to travel to Germany, it's also kind of pointless. Spanish is the language many other kids will learn in school, and you could use it every day in this country. Many employers are starting to pass over people for jobs who don't know Spanish. Maybe do some research on that.
Honestly, I'm thinking about learning a language for my son, but my choice would be to choose something that is more globally useful-business wise. No offense to german, but Japanese, Chinese, or Spanish makes more sense in terms of that kind of usefulness.
I think in order to do a language day weekly, you're going to have to find a languge you both agree on. One day a week isn't going to make much difference in teaching your child, though. Immersion is the best way from all I've heard. If you had a nanny who spoke a language, that would be more helpful because of consistent practice.
This is a separate issue from any other communications issues you have. Get therapy for yourself, because you can't MAKE him go. It'll help you be less dormat-like for everyone. It may feel unfair when you hold him to a different standard than you do for others, especially if it's on the same issues. If issues matter enough to address with HIM, they should matter enough to address with others.
Momma11...a little on the harsh side don't you think??
About the German, it sounds like you really did put a lot of thought and effort into this and feel rejected by your husbands response. You're emotions are valid by first feeling defensive and then angry, but did you give yourself enough time to "cool off" before jumping back into it? Did you get his "input" before you started this campaign for a new language? You say you were looking for his input, but did you listen to what he was really saying? He didn't really want to do it, but you pushed not really taking the time to listen. Learning a new language can be a lot of fun for people, and I think is a great idea, if everyone wants to do it. You can't force someone into something like learning a new language. BUT you don't seem to really be asking advice on this issue...maybe us advice hungry mama's are jumping the gun here...
Your questions really seems to be about if you should have addressed this issue or issues like this with your husband, and I have to agree with Christine W on this. What a poor example for your child. There are certainly times when you need to bring issues up to your husband and I believe this was one of them. For me the bigger issue wouldn't be about the German at all but more about his attuited about non-Americans. BUT he apologized...maybe he didn't mean it like it came out...and you worked all that out.
Pick your battles...whether it be with your husband, family, friends, co-workers, etc. Some aren't worth fighting..some you should totally put your boxing gloves on. Don't be a doormat, but don't be the other extream either (bully). Find the middle ground.
Your idea sounds great to me, especially setting a day aside for it. But you certainly don't have to wait until your son is older to teach him things such as terms for colors, numbers, food you often have in the house, etc. Teach him right along as you learn yourself. He's the best age to learn a language. :D I'll never understand why they wait to offer language courses in highschool and college. I still remember more German that I learned over 20 years ago in first & second grade (I was an Army brat; was born & spent several years in Germany.) in classes I went to twice a week than of the Spanish I spent 2 years learning in highschool! Last year my youngest son took Spanish classes at school (he's 7) and he's just blasted off with it. It was a complete immersion program for 3 hours ever day at school. He'd finish his K class, have lunch and then go straight to Spanish. He might not use it often right now (although he'll often pop out with a phrase or something) but it's still given him the foundation for him to pick up again in later years if he chooses. I'm sad we couldn't budget the class for my oldest daughter this year.
My family is big on German too because of ancestry. My husband did German courses at college for a while and he often pops up with a term or phrase for the kiddos. We have some videos & records in German that we let them watch. We often set our videos to a foreign language option when it's available. I'll also play a language record/cd in the background as the kids play. My kids have picked up a smattering of German, Japanese, Chinese, Cherokee, Spanish and French this way.
As for letting go of your issues, just sit down, write everything down and then rate them in importance. I do this myself and several times it's helped me see that I'm either being really silly taking it so far or that I was right and I need to stick to my guns. Hope this helps. :)
I really like your idea of having a German Day. It honors your culture and German food is yummy. The German language is actually one of the easier languages to learn so perhaps your husband can contribute to German Day by learning a few nouns or greetings.
I think that after things have cooled off with your husband, you will find that it will be easier to talk about all this. I think he was very overwhelmed with all of the new information that you were presenting to him and needed time to think about it. I have found that, sometimes with men, it's best to give them small tidbits of information and make them feel that they are included in the process of developing new ideas. And then, if they are not ready to talk about something -- they need that time to absorb and process it all -- it's best not to push because you will get a response but it won't be one that is really all that meaningful (think snarky, defensive comments said in the heat of the moment) or ones that you will want to hear. Best to give him some breathing room to think about it and get back to you.
I think Suz T. said it better but I did want to weigh in that I think your idea about having a once a week German Day is a fantastic and inspiring idea.
Take care.
