Having Trouble with Potty Accidents

Maybe you should limit liquids before a nap/bedtime. If I give my daughter liquids to close to bedtime, we have a wet bed and clothes in the morning. I suggest putting a pad down, just like you do with younger kids! Also, she just may not have a strong bladder. I got the impression you sound agraqvated with her. Remember, she is still a little child. My friends 11 year old son sleeps so deep he still wets the bed!

I have dealt with the same thing. My daughter did the same thing until she was about 4. I think maybe the stress of being in transition and not having her own sleep space may be part of it. Definately giving up liquid of any kind 30 minutes before bed time will help a lot. Just try to be patient, ( I know it can be hard) and gradually it will get better. I wish you the very best.

I have to disagree with the last individual's post. It is my humbe opinion that step-parents, while important, should not take on the role as parents fof thier step-children. Check out Dr. Phil's "Family First". But I can totally see why this is so frustrating, and I hope your new tactics are improving the situation. Understand, also, that accidents are often a symptom of underlying stress and anxiety-you mentioned some transitions going on. My guess is when that stress is eliminated or lessened, the accidents will cease. Best of luck.

My son, who recently turned 4, was completely potty trained just before he turned 3. His father and I began to have problems and he began having "accidents" again. The more we punished him, the more he had accidents. We finally realized that he was trying to tell us that he was bothered by something. Once we worked on our realationship together and assured him that we were going to be a family forever and that neither mom or dad were going to move out again, he stopped having the "accidents" during the day and during nap time. He still pees at night, but we just reassuring him.
My suggestion his to let her now that you love her just as much as her mom and dad do. Also, reassure her that you and her dad will be a family forever and that you will love her no matter what. If her mom is still a part of her life, reassure her that you want her to spend time with her mom and to love her too.
Some people will say, "she's 3, she won't understand". She may not understand the words, but if you keep telling her that every day, then she WILL understand the love that you have and she will respond.
Best of luck.

Hi Minyan,

Is that really your name? I've never met anyone with that name!

We have a five year old, who, believe it or not still has the occasional potty accident. We only really felt she was finally potty trained about five or six months ago, and even so, if we let up on the cardinal sins of potty training (letting her have liquids before bed or forgetting to make her pee immediately before she goes to bed) we are at risk of an accident. So at three and a half, I think she's normal for a lot of kids.

First, I'm a big believer in pull-up pants. Since they're made for the older child, they seem to hold more than pampers. Not sure why your hubby doesn't use it, but go buy them yourself and tell him someone on Mamasource suggested it. Second, whatever you do, remember that no three year old (or 20 year old, for that matter) understands the value of property. That doesn't happen till they start buying their own furniture! Just be realistic and ask your husband to be realistic too. You might want to get a special bed for her and use one of those plastic crib mattresses, or a folding cot with a washable cot surface that comes off and can be removed and tossed in the washer, or one of those water-proof mattress covers (I use one of those). Finally, one key to potty training (I'm told) is to be very careful not to make them feel BAD about the accidents. That makes them stressed and MORE likely to fail than just taking it in stride.

By the way, the five year old is a step child here too, and her dad had a wonderful way of handling her when she was still wetting most nights- he had a three night rule. He would say, "it's your choice whether you want to wear diapers or underpants, but if you want to wear underpants you have to give us three nights in a row in pull-ups without waking up wet." Then she was motivated, and when she cried for a drink, he could tell her, "you can have a drink but you will have to wear a pull-up, and give us 3 nights in a row." This approach really worked, because she was motivated to get those three nights in a row, and would often rethink her drink request. But if she really WANTED the drink, he could give it to her - no feeling guilty about depriving his child, because she knew she had to wear the pull-up to get it. So Dad could give it to her without guilt, and I could relax because I knew she was in a pull-up.

Hope any of this helps. My chlld-rearing motto: whatever works, so long as it's legal!

You can also try goodnights brand which are like a pull up but they hold more and if you can figure out where in her sleep cycle that she is having accidents, get her up to go to the rest room. My 8 year old's body has grown but not her bladder, she can sleep for about five hours until she has an accident, so I wake her and send her to the bathroom so that she doesn't have an accident, afterwards I send her back to bed and she goes right out. Hope this helps
K.

My 5 year old still wears pull-ups at night so I don't understand all this talk about something being wrong with a 3 year old for having accidents in her sleep! I even mentioned this to her dr at the 5-year wellness visit and she said it was normal.

I don't know very many adults that can sleep through 12 hours at night without getting up to go to the bathroom - and children sleep much heavier than adults. The best you can do is limit liquids, and be prepared! Good pull-ups, waterproof mattress pad, etc.

In my own experience, I worked on her going through the naps first without any accidents. I made sure she goes potty before nap, and if she wanted to nap somewhere other than her waterproofed bed, or if we were visiting family during nap time, I'd take 2-3 BIG beach towels and tri-fold them so she had a nice pad to sleep on. For extra insurance at the parents, I put a big plastic trash bag under the towels as the final barrier to the bed/furniture.

Good Luck!

J.

Hi M., first of all, "mom & dad" need to understand by giving her fluids, and the fact that she has little or no control over her kidneys yet, they are only hindering her from learning. If they were smart, they'd cut off fluids 2 hrs before bedtime, start introducing her to the toilet( whether it be a potty chair or just a toilet), Also, get her some pull ups for nightime, the main thing to remember is give her praise when she actually trys to go to the bathroom. Try not to scold her when she has an accident,but encourage her to go to the b/r every 2 -3 hrs(during the day)till she gets the idea. Its a long process, and everyone needs to participate, especially the parents. I commend you for trying to work with her, but I think she will respond better if she thinks she is pleasing her parents.

She could be having some accidents with all the changes going on (moving, new marriage, etc). I have some friends that still have to put their child in a pull up at night and they are 4. I would say start by not giving her anything to drink before bed. if she is really thirsty she can have a sip but not a big drink. make sure she goes to the potty right before going to bed and nap. That might help as well.
Good luck!!!

My advise to you is...buy some generic pull ups. She can't help having accidents. Ask your husband what her mother does while she is with her and suggest that he not give her so much to drink at bedtime. Make it a routine to use the potty right before tucking her in too. Good luck!

I don't know if you got a response, but there are some kids, regardless of how much they drink or don't before nap or bed, who sleep so deeply they just don't feel it when they need to go to the bathroom. This is an actual medical condition with which I'm dealing with my own son. He had an alarm that we got through our pediatrician that we attached to his underpants (he would wear two pair to sleep and the alarm would attach between the two pair of underwear, slip up his undershirt and attach to the top of his shirt). As soon as the first trickle of urine would come out, the alarm would go off and he would wake up and have to go to the bathroom. It is rather Pavlovian in its approach, but it is very effective in helping kids notice the signs of needing to use the bathroom even in the deepest sleep. What you do is if the child does actually wet the bed, they are to change the sheets themselves or put down towels until morning when they are more awake to change them. It helps them get up and do what needs to get done. This may or may not be the case, after all she is only 3 1/2 and depending on when she was potty trained, it is a little early to determine whether that's the case or not. A lot has changed in her life and this may all be a response to that or simply that she is drinking too much before bed.

I understand it is frustrating and very irritating to have your furniture soiled. But, try to remember it's really not her fault. Just sit down with your husband and let him know you're concerned for her and have heard that something like this may be a medical condition. However, to start helping her, since she is so young, let's not give her something to drink right before bedtime to support a more successful sleep time. Let's stop the drinks an hour prior and have her go to the bathroom right before bedtime and naptime. Put her in pullups not diapers -- suggest to your husband that you think having her in something to help her in case she has an accident is a great idea, but with her being such a big girl now, pull-ups are really best and are actually what they were made for. You can also let your stepdaughter know that her wearing these protective "underpants" is to make her feel more comfortable when she sleeps, because you know how icky it can feel to be wet all night or during nap, even when you don't know you are. You can cover your chaise with plastic sheets when she is going to be sleeping there to alleviate the soiling and teach her how to change the bed, but do all of this gently. When she has a dry night, give her warm praise as to make her feel like she has conquered the world. Let her know how proud you are of her. This will also serve to build a bond between you two as well.

As frustrating as it is for you, it is very frustrating for her, even if she doesn't show it. She has an 11 month-old stepbrother who is still in diapers and she has to still wear diapers when her other friends probably aren't. She may very well feel the effects of how this is affecting everyone, which may account for her shyness. She may also be exhibiting signs of stress and anxiety about some things. Suggest a talk with her pediatrician to eliminate things before putting the alarm into use. It costs about $50, if memory serves, but works wonders. All of this suggesting can be done with an incredible amount of care and love for her. I know my son, who is 10, still has this problem and all I can do is support him through it, love him and see what avenues we can take to help him.

Sorry this is so rambling, but I wish you luck and success.

Cheers.

Have her sit on the potty before naps and bed time. Every time. Ask frequently if she needs to go. Act like you are potty training her and have her sit on the potty every hour you are with her with a book. Make it fun. Be sure to give her positive reinforcement when she does good (not just with the potty, but other things). Even though it's frustrating, don't make a big deal out of accidents. I only give my daughter a 3 oz cup of water at night. When she started having accidents at night, I would sort of nudge her and ask her if she needed to go to the potty when I went to bed (she goes at 8, I go at 11 or 12). It sounds like you are trying to let raising your stepdaughter be her father's business; but if you are around her alot, you are a guiding force in her life. I'm sure her dad just doesn't realize he's not helping her to be potty trained. Suggest that you could help him to get her back to consistently using the potty and you have a few suggestions he might not have thought of. It sounds like she might be a little lost in the shuffle with all the changes that have happened in the family and with moving... so be sensitve to her needs; she's probably feeling helpless and overlooked.

I have three boys 11, 5 & 2.5 y.o. I still have accidents but I made sure to cut out the liquids after 8pm since they all go to bed at 9pm. Also I have the GOOD NIGHT pull ups for the smallest two. My 5 year old stop wetting his pull ups and asked to wear his underwear. Have had accidents here an there but not much. Once they are not wetting the pull up then their ready to sleep in their underwear. The matteress still has the plastic cover on them. Hopefully that will add to all the help you have received.

I would suggest getting an inexpensive air mattress for her to sleep on, and cover it with a plastic mattress cover, also very inexpensive. If nothing else, get one for your sofa. You might also invest in some plastic pants. You can get lined or unlined. Also, her father giving her so much water right before bed is a big no-no, and he should know better! Good luck!
J.

It's normal for a 3 year old to have accidents while awake. But the fact that she is doing it while asleep shows she either has a physical or emotional problem. She should be seen by a pediatrician about this. Some children will have this problem for many years before they will grow out of it. They should never be made to feel ashamed or it will only get worse.

Because of all the changes in her life, I would lean toward the idea that some or all of this is emotional. She's only 3 years old and already has divorced parents and a new stepmom. Wow, that's just a lot for a small child to deal with. Then, she has a new younger stepbrother? Your husband needs to plan on buying the best pull-ups he can for as long as is necessary. I'm with you on saving the furniture! UGH. To me they are ruined once they get urine on them. It's difficult to ever get the smell out.

Suzi

I know a lot of people have responded, but I had to chime in. The person that said a 3 1/2 year old that wets when she sleeps is likely to have physical or emotional problems is out of her mind. It is typical for a child to become potty trained during the day time first. It can take much longer before nights and naps are dry. Please be patient and gentle with her! She is not emotionally disturbed because she wets the bed at age 3 1/2!

M.-

First I have to say "DITTO" on Dawn's comments. Bed-wetting at your step daughter's age is seen as normal. Especially at night.

As much as all moms want to get their children out of diapers most experts or doctors will tell you you have to let the child cue you when they are ready. A usual huge cue is the child starts waking up from naps with a dry diaper. It indicates they are starting to show some bladder control. That is a good time to start introducing the potty chair and potty training if the dry diaper after naps is a consistent occurrence.

Since you are fairly new to her life maybe ask your husband how her potty training was started and what the routine was before the divorce or separation. Since the little girl is going between two homes now her progress may be slower because her potty training isn't consistent at both homes maybe her "bio" mom has some tricks that may help you and your husband.

Huge life changes can cause regression or accidents. But there doesn't have to be a cause. Accidents and regression when you are potty training are perfectly normal.

The best thing would be to limit the liquids as other moms said and give a lot of positive reinforcement for making it through the night or nap time dry.

She is too young to be "punished" for having and accident.

Being made to sleep on the floor because she might have an accident and get the furniture wet might be sending a very negative message to her as well.

Kids are little sponges at this age and pick up on how you feel even if it isn't verbalized. You sound frustrated and upset with her. She may be sensing that.

Good Luck, I hope it gets easier.

I would start taking her drinks away 2 hours before she goes to bed and make sure she goes to the bathroom before she goes to bed because I had the same problem with my daughter and the taking the drinks away from her before it was time for her to take a nap or go to bed at night worked and tell her father that he needs to start taking care of her if he wants her to pee the bed because you are tired of him not supporting you in her breaking of her peeing the bed.

NO DRINKING AT LEAST AN HOUR BEFORE BED AND THIS CHILD SHOULD BE SEEN BY A DOCTOR TO SEE IF THERE IS A UTI OR OTHER MEDICAL REASON FOR HER PROBLEM.

M. - It's actually fairly common for children to have regression in their potty training when major life changes occur. For a 3 1/2 year old, a move is a big deal that could definately cause her to regress in her potty training. On top of that a divorce and a new step mom. All of this is a lot for a child to handle. I'd suggest using the pull ups at night and limiting drinks before bedtime. Mainly though, you want to encourage her when she does well with no accidents. Be sure to remember that she is still a little one and needs your help and praise.