Having Trouble with 3 Year Old Not Listening

I've been getting my kids to do all the necessary things they need to do first thing. So there will be no play in the morning or after dinner until they are dressed and teeth brushed. And if we are going somewhere, I toilet them 15 minutes before we leave.

This is normal behavior. She is so busy doing fun things, she is not listening to you. She can now walk, be clever and has her mind on other things. Independence is an amazing thing.

First of all do not yell across the house. Go to her and touch her and say "Look at my eyes and listen with your ears."

Then give her the exact direction. "We will be leaving in 30 minutes. Go to the potty right now." "Thank you."

Or go to her and give her the direction and then say, "Tell me what I just said.." Have her repeat it and tell her, "good job, go and do that.. "

Be sure the direction is clear and takes place at that moment.

As she gets used to doing these things at that moment, you will be able to say, "We are leaving in 30 minutes, be sure to go potty before we leave.." and she will do this without the touch or request from you that she repeat it.

You're so right, you can't rationalize with a 3 year old : )

What you did was right, she didn't comply, you had no time, you did what had to be done. Find a time before the next meltdown and tell her the same, "When I ask or tell you to do something you need to listen to me (or daddy) and do it then, no playing around, we don't have the time." You know she understands because she went potty with no problem this morning, right? And you yourself say that she is very verbal. Continue to expect her to comply.

Also, have her get dressed before she begins to play, I recall doing this with my daughter and it meant there was no last minute struggling. Whatever needs to be done stay with her to get it done so when it's time to leave you can simply go. Don't "ask" her to go potty, simply tell her by saying, "It's time for you to go potty" adding "Now," if she dawdles. Keep her bedtime routine short and sweet, say 30 minutes tops ~ bath, pj's and teeth-brushing , a story, goodnight, don't leave room for dawdling and procrastinating, stay with her to make sure there isn't any. You need to set the tone for her behavior, and though staying with her seems like it will take more of your time it really won't, because you'll be avoiding the meltdowns and not adding additional pressure to what you're under at work. Keep it consistent so she knows what to expect and in time (hopefully a short one) she'll see that there are certain times not to play around. Children need boundaries in their lives, it's an important way they learn, and she will have them at school so it good to have them at home.

BTW, I'm a grandmother raising her youngest grandchild, and I'm older than you, lol, but used these tactics back in the day. Hang in there : )

Kids this age... do NOT know, about time.
They do NOT know... the difference between 5 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, etc.
It is an abstract to them.
Kids only begin to "understand" what minutes or hours are... once they are in Elementary school.

Kids this age need to be, coaxed and helped with getting ready. They are not self sufficient yet nor able to do time management.
Have her clothes laid out for the next morning.
The night before, put everything in the car that you will need for the next day.
Get up earlier than her and get yourself ready first, before she wakes.
Then once you are all ready, get her awake and ready/dressed/fed, etc.

Kids need help with "transitioning."
Give her verbal cues. Tell she can play for a little while, then you/she have to get ready.
Make it a game.
Put on a timer.
See how fast she can get ready... make it "fun."

And she probably is tired.
And perhaps not a "morning" person.
So she is not all efficient in the mornings.

Try... getting her and yourself ready, even 1/2 hour BEFORE you actually have to be ready. That way, you will not be late. That is what I have always done with my kids... then they and I, do not have to "rush" like maniacs in the morning. I create, a lead-time, for ourselves.
That way, we are never, late for getting out the door in the mornings.

And yes, this is typical of 3 year olds. Even of 5 year olds.
They do not have, deductive reasoning developed yet nor time management.

Next: whatever "expectations" you have of her... it NEEDS to be age-appropriate. She is only 3. Not 7.
If she is expected to act and be.... like an 8 year old, then, she will never meet your expectations. And she will always be frustrated.

Young children DO dawdle/cry/procrastinate and do not have.... astute or fully developed communication skills nor the vocabulary of a 12 year old.

Kids... no matter how old.... WILL, not "listen" to every command they get told to do. Not even a Spouse or Adult... listens to every command they get told to do with 100% accuracy either.
So again, keep expectations age-appropriate.
And, a child does not know what it means when their parent "is under a lot of pressure at work..." So they are not doing this... just to make you feel worse or to be impatient.

You're doing a lot of good stuff, but remember that she's only three. Even if she seems like a grown up three, she's three. Part of her being silly, etc is because she's trying to have fun with you and part may be that she knows that by delaying things it means more time with you and less time at school, etc. She isn't old enough to rationalize yet that she'll see you later and all that.

I know it's hard especially when you are running late, feeling stressed, etc, (I'm a working mom too), but what I have found works the best is to lean into it. When my kids (2 & 4), are acting out in the morning, (most mornings :))...I try to drop what I'm doing, focus on them and reiterate the plan-you have to get dressed, I have to go to work, etc...or make a game out of getting dressed..this morning I tried getting my son to pretend he was getting dressed to go on a dino dig. The more frustrated you get the more they seem to tune out. Also-give her a consequence that she'll understand. You want milk...ok, AFTER you get dressed. She'll prob pitch a fit, but eventually give in.

Also give her options..like mommy is getting dressed now, do you want to get dressed too? Give her some jewelry to play with or powder to pretend to put on so she feels like mommy's big girl.

Check out 'love and logic'-they have great tips!

And at the end of the day--don't beat yourself up-some days no matter how great a parent or patient a person you have to let them scream while you drive to preschool. It stinks I know, but generally they forget it before you do. But if you do the other stuff more often..the screaming and not wanting to listen will lessen over time.

Yes it's typical but you can find ways to get her to cooperate. Make almost everything a game. Get dressed before the timer rings (or before Mommy gets dressed, and you win a ...sticker!! Make sure she can Never Ever lose by giving more time on the timer than needed having easy to put on clothes and offer to help with anything she'll accept help with. This is not about the reality of not always winning it's about you getting to work on time. Brush your teeth while I sing Happy Birthday two times! Or do you want me to sing Twinkle Twinkle? Who can put their shoes on first? Another thing that worked for my three yr old was blaming things on the clock not mommy. We have to go out the door when the clock says ----:00 Am Show her what that looks like We have to take a bath when the clock says 7:00 My son didnt argue with the clock like he argued with me. My daughter at 3 was so difficult in the AM that after her nightly bath I dressed her in clean comfy cute sweat suits and let her sleep in them, in the morning she woke up dressed for school!

yeah you're right, pretty typical. my son is 5 and he has been doing this for quite awhile, it's finally starting to get better. some tricks we tried were: he can only play (or watch cartoons, or whatever he wants to do) AFTER he is dressed and ready to go to preschool. we also made checklists with pictures of everything he has to do- clothes, teeth, hair, potty, etc. he checked them all off and when it was done the last thing on the list was toys/books, etc. that worked to get him back on track through a couple of rough patches. also one thing that works for us, his preschool is also daycare and they give them breakfast (but only whatever we provide) so some days i might have something "special" to let him take for breakfast, rather than the cereal i take for him most days. maybe i make pancakes over the weekend and i put the leftovers in ziplock bags for him to take to school. or a banana to eat with his cereal. whatever. but he has to earn it. just some tricks that worked for us. good luck! mine is NOT a morning person, so i know your pain!

Ahhh, three. Pretty much goes with the territory. Vocal, and developing independence, but still very much a baby. Oh, the confusion that goes on in their brains that comes out as tantrums. Ugh - it also all repeats the pattern in the teen years. :P

I went through this with my son, but it was once he got into kindergarten. He decided that getting dressed for school just was not necessary. Since I was a single, working Mom I really did not want to deal with it. So, instead of fighting him, trying to dress a limp child, or anything negative, I simply packed a backpack of school clothing and popped it in the car. The next time he refused to get dressed I picked him up, buckled him in and drove him to school. Brought him into school in his PJs. Yep, he grabbed his backpack and ran to the nurses office to get dressed.

He was always dressed and ready to go after that.

I admit, maybe it was a little drastic, but I had tried other solutions and reached my end. I must say, that now, 10 years later, we both laugh about it - because he does remember - but doesn't seem to have suffered any undue emotional scarring from it.

Bedtime - eh, I was a little easier on that one. My rule was as long as he stayed on his bed, playing quietly when it was bedtime, that was okay. Hmmm, that is still my rule.

Good luck, this phase shall pass. Just be consistent with her.

First off, you can't rationalize with a 3 year old. They don't have the capacity to reason yet.

What I would do is either get her up a bit earlier, and get her completely ready to go and then let her sit in front of the TV watching cartoons and munching on some cereal or fruit while you get yourself ready. You will probably have to get up a bit earlier, but I think it would be easier to have designated time for dressing/preparing her and then you so you're not trying to get both of you ready at the same time. Or you could get yourself completely dressed and ready to go before you get her up and then you can devote all of your attention to getting her ready without having to rely on her to do things for herself, which apparently isn't working too well.

Since she gets involved playing in the a.m.s and doesn't want to stop, I think I'd get her ready last so that she goes straight from getting ready to walking out the door with no play time in between.

You are expecting too much from a three year old. Set aside plenty of time every morning to help her get dressed and then let her play or watch a tv show while you finish getting ready. No child should go to daycare or school upset every morning. Also, no parent should start out their work day feeling guilty about fussing at their child. As for bedtime, make sure you have a routine that you follow every night. I have found the making a game or race out of completing an activity that you want accomplished works far better than getting angry. Good luck.

I love Laurie A's ideas below. That's similar to what I try to do with my 4 year-old (who also is a dawdler). I often find myself asking her questions, "Can you go use the potty please?" when it is really better to politely give instruction, such as, "Please go use the potty." We have to be careful to not ask something in a way that can invite a "no thank you" response. ;) This doesn't always fix it, but it's definitely a way of heading things off.

Also, I sometimes ask her to repeat instructions back to me so I can make sure she caught everything. :)

Good luck! Parenting isn't for the weak!

Sounds like you are in a power struggle with your daughter, and, yes, this is typical of a 3-yr-old behavior. Maybe some of the following will help:

The worst time to have the "battle" so to speak, is in the heat of the moment. Research shows that when emotions are high, intelligence goes down, i.e., there will be no rational solutions on either side. Instead, have a conversation with your daughter about all of these things when emotions are NOT running high, i.e., not in the morning when everyone is rushing.

1) First, make sure she is ok with going to pre-school and leaving you. Openly talk to her about it--just not in the morning. I actually had to ask my son if he missed mommy at school. When he said yes, and started crying, I knew he really did. So we made a "kisses" pact--I would give him lots of kisses to put in his "shining heart" and then when he missed mommy during the day he could put his hand on his heart and know that mommy's kisses--and love--are always with him. It helped. Talking with your daughter about school also may reveal other things about her experience there that may need to be addressed. Maybe there is someone in her class that teases her, or won't play with her, or who always takes away the toy she is playing with. These little things can cause stress for a child and make them procrastinate going to school. A bit of inquiry here can go a long way. (BTW..I often use bedtime--when I am laying down with my son, lights out) as a time to say, "Is there anything you want to talk to mommy about before you go to sleep?" I am often amazed at the things he brings up. Yet if I didn't ask, he would keep them to himself.

2) Have a conversation with your daughter about the morning routine at a time other than during the morning routine. Emotions are already running high in the morning....so you need a plan that you and she have already created. If you involve her in creating the "morning plan" she will feel empowered about it and have more buy-in. Right now, it's "your plan," and the only way she can feel empowered about it is to resist it. Instead, on a weekend, make a game out of creating the "morning plan," Have her make a list of all the things that she needs to do to get out the door in the morning, e..g, potty, breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, put away jammies, comb hair and so on. Then take a picture of her doing each activity. Then mount the pics on a poster board or bulletin board, having her decide the best "order." Apart from brushing teeth, the order really doesn't matter. She can then draw on the board, write her name, etc. Place it in a conspicuous place--her room, the kitchen or bathroom.
Now she "owns" it--the morning routine. She created it, she is in every pic, and she will be feeling empowered over her own destiny, so to speak If she resists in the morning, remind her that this is HER morning plan...and refer back to the poster board/pictures. Part of your discussion can also be about consequences, i.e., you asking her, "what do you think should happen if you don't follow the plan in the morning?" Lose a privilege, for example. You may need to help her with this.

As a side note, there have been many convos about using "stars" or "stickers" on a chart as a sort of reward. Some are totally for it, others say it doesn't work over the long term. Something you can research....

3) Assess your child's personality disposition. Some kids are incentivized through rewards, some by competition or games. Mine is the latter. If I say, for example, "Ok, mommy is going to get dressed now. I don't want you to beat me. No getting dressed until mommy comes back." It is a sure fire way for him to get himself completely dressed and waltzing in the bathroom announcing "I beat you!" And then he laughs hysterically. Works every time--for my child's personality.
4) See if there are other ways for your child to feel empowered about the morning routine, e.g., pick out her clothes the night before, get her shoes and socks ready in a special area, and so on. Again, the idea is to help her (and allow her) to make decisions so she can feel powerful and strong. When we make all the decisions for our kids, they will try to find power other ways, e.g., by acting out, pulling a tantrum when you least can afford the time, etc. I read a great book on parenting that said that ALL of these behaviors are meant to get our attention to let us know that one or more needs of the child is not getting met. Frustrating as this sounds, when my son had a total meltdown in Target, I had to ask myself, "What is going on in his world that needs attention?" I am always on the lookout for ways for him to feel empowered (without sinking the whole ship, of course).

A great blog for more info on these kinds of ideas is:
http://www.bonnieharris.com/
At her site you will find her blog.

I sincerely hope that there is something in here that will make your mornings go more smoothly. Parenting is the hardest job we will ever have!
And btw...I am an older mom, too, so I understand where you're coming from.

Wow - your message sure hits home for me. I'm dealing with a similar situation in the mornings with my son. Some days are better than others, but it's challenging, as I'm on my own M-Th with 2 kids to get out the door, and me to get to work.
I had thought about putting together a morning & evening routine chart, but we were able to get through it by enforcing a pretty strict routine. I have friends who have done the chart & reward thing with success.
For us, the best days are when I either get my son dressed while he's still asleep, so there's nothing to do but breakfast, brush teeth, potty & out the door. With my daughter (whose just 1 yr), I let her sleep in her next day's clothes instead of jammies, so we can get her out the door quickly - just a diaper change, breakfast, jacket.
Otherwise, the days that also go well are the ones where the toys are not within sight, and everything is laid out the night before. I lay out fresh clothes in the bathroom, so they're there when my son goes potty. I put the toothbrush in the kitchen so when breakfast is cleared, toothbrush is part of the routine. And I line up everything to go to school right at the front door.
I try to get myself ready either before I have to wake up the kids, or while they're eating breakfast.
At bedtime, we got really good at a consistent routine. After dinner, it's time for bathtime, jammies, toothbrushing, books or a game & then bedtime by 8:30. I limit the choices once dinner happens, and there's no deviating from the plan!
Not every day goes well, and it always seems to happen on days when I'm in a hurry! I've realized though, that the more I get frustrated, the longer it still takes. Time outs are counterproductive, and yelling just makes my son upset & doesn't solve the problem. One tactic that works for us is to race to get things done - "race you to get your shoes on!", etc. Some days I give in & send my son to school in his PJ top - not a battle I need to fight. And I admit, some days, teeth don't get brushed.
Hang in there!

First off, hugs to you! Three and a half years old can be rough for any aged mama. (I'm 40... for a couple more weeks. My kids are 18, four next month and 19 months.) There are a few things you can do to help yourself. Here's my general order of escalation:
Deep cleansing breath, remind myself to use nice words.
Stern face, no words (no point in reasoning during a meltdown).
Time out, if necessary (we reserve them for meltdowns; the timer doesn't start until she's quiet and still).
Discussion afterward about future times she's upset and how she can handle that better.
***There have been rare occasions where I have reminded myself that I don't want to be on the news, LOL, but those strictly involved my oldest.

HONESTLY IM 23 WITH A 4, 3, and 6month old IS ALL GIRLS SO I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY FOUR YR OLD DOES THE SAME THINGS WHEN ITS TIME FOR SCHOOL I JUST INVOVE MY OLDER TWO IN HELPING MOOMY GET DRESSED AND LET THEM PICK OUT MY CLOTHES OR SO THEY THINK AND I DO THE SAME FOR THEM LET THEM PICK WHAT THEY WANT TO WEAR AND MAKE THEM FEEL REALLY NEEDED. THEY LOVE TO HELP AND ARE HAPPY TOO AT ANYTIME. MY MIDDLE CHILD HAS THE EXCESSIVE WHINING AND TANTRUMS BUT I JUST LET HER HASH IT OUT UNTIL SHE CALMS DOWN.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. You don't need this kind of drama at 3 1/2. You can have peace in your home with your daughter!