Having a Rough Day. Feeling like a Failed Parent. Long One Sorry.

You didn't fail her, because you've recognized that something isn't developing right, and you're getting her help.

You can't teach her what she's not doing. These are developmental things. I know it's hard, but she's being evaluated and once you know what's going on, you can deal with that and work with her.

When you know, update us, and if we mommies have similar experiences, we're here to support you. You're getting her help. You're doing the RIGHT things.

FYI...walking is not considered delayed until a child reachs 18 months old. My daughter did not walk until her 16 month. She was an extremely cautious child. My nephew didn't walk until 18 months old. All kids develop at their own pace. (FYI...my nephew and daughter are bright kids. My daughter was reading at age 4 and could read chapter books at age 5.)

I just want to tell you how sorry I am you are feeling this way.

I have worked with kids for a long time. I say this not to qualify my opinion inasmuch as to suggest that I have seen a LOT of kids, especially at the infant toddler stage of life. Here's the thing-- there isn't a lot YOU can do until you get information from the therapists. It does feel like you get socked in the gut when you start realizing that there may be delays. We didn't realize our son had some very profound vision issues until he was five; some of it has been dealt with very effectively in therapy, some of it we may have to keep track of over his life and return to therapy as needed. As he has become older, we have found that he has other challenges which will be lifelong, and can see both his struggles as well as how these qualities of his personality are also assets.

I felt bad, too. But we can't know what we didn't know before. And that's the thing-- we can only provide access to some experiences, nothing more. Our babies have to be ready to take that next step in their own development-- we can't do it for them. She may have some sensory integration issues. This can be treated over the long term and, from what I have seen, with some success.

I would encourage you to look forward. To accept that the feelings you have now are just what they are and that you don't have to feel like a failure or a bad mom. Having a child with challenges changes how we view the world and honestly, it was hard at first and some days, still is hard. We have so much more awareness, though, on how we can help our son and that's so incredibly hopeful and valuable. Try to focus on the good this information will bring.

It's not your fault. We parents have less power than we think. Move forward, do your best, but don't blame yourself. Your child is who she is. Good luck.

Bless your heart sweetie....being a mom, especially when they're still so little is so hard!
My little one didn't walk till 16 ms...doc said don't worry til 18 ms...it's like my son wanted to keep
me on edge, and he did!
At 24 ms I called early childhood intervention bc he wasn't talking at all. Everyone would tell me...he just doesn't have anything to say....that didn't make me feel any better whatsoever! They worked with him (ish) and the month of his third bday he decided to start talking...like I said kept me on edge!
So anyway, I truly know how you feel. I always had a hard time progressing my son so to speak but he went to daycare so they actually helped me with sippy cups, big boy chairs opposed to high chair, etc. Do you stay home with him? That could make a difference...idk. my son's six now & I feel bad I haven't taught him to tie his shoes yet...sigh ...we do the best we can right? I hope things improve mama. Good luck with the specialists, etc. Try to continue with patience as hard as it is. Lord knows we all need more when parenting, I know I do. Sorry for long response but I remember those scary, frustrating, and insecure days...

You have NOT failed, because you have already recognized that something is amiss and you are getting advice on whether she needs therapy.
This is going to be a journey.
Realize though that even if there are real issues here that need to be addressed, ALL kids are unique and have quirks. What makes one happy makes another miserable.
Until the therapists tell you otherwise, do what makes your life easy!
If the kid only wants to drink milk out of bottles, let her. My 3rd child never liked milk from a sippy cup after she stopped nursing. She only wanted milk from a bottle, but water and other liquids in sippy cups and regular cups were fine. She needed the comfort of the bottle.
Also, just fyi, try Lactaid Milk and if she can't stomach that, try goat's milk. You can buy both of those in the high fat version.
Let her cling. My second child just needed a parent around, even when sleeping, we slept on a mattress on the floor next to his crib. The 1st and 3rd child did the cry it out thing just fine, but that never worked with the second one. To keep our sanity, we figured out he was okay if we were sleeping next to him on the floor. Better we all sleep than no sleep.
All my kids have turned out "fine" so far, despite their quirks.
The 5 year old still likes milk before bed, but takes it warmed in a sippy cup, but wanted it from the bottle until she was 4! Yeah, that was a little awkward, but it calmed her before bed and naps.
The kid who had severe separation anxiety is still a worrier, but he sleeps just fine in his own room and even goes away to camp. He didn't talk until he was 3, and now I have to tell him to be quiet, lol. He is now 12.
Even my oldest kid had some stuff I worried about, including a lisp that went away with braces and a severe aversion to any food that was slimy. He will now eat things he wouldn't touch when he was younger. He is now 18.
Hang in there, don't be too hard on yourself. Pray. Realize God chose you to be the parents for this child. You are HIS perfect pick for your daughter.
You WILL make mistakes. God has a plan for you and your child.
Give yourself grace. You are on the right track, one step at a time.

You haven't failed! All of the things you are describing are not things you can teach. As a mother, you are doing ALL the right things by seeking an evaluation or consulting with therapists. Once the results come back, you can work on moving in a direction to get her the help (if any) that she needs. Not doing anything, when you are concerned like you are, would be the failure. Being a mom is hard work and we all feel like failures at some point and time. Try to take it easy on yourself and keep your chin up.

Oh, you poor thing!!! Of course you feel responsible. She's your baby, and moms tend to do that to themselves.

I don't know if this will help or not, but most babies/toddlers really do want to move and explore and try new things. I can't imagine you did anything wrong at all!

If she doesn't want to try new things and is frightened by new things, you absolutely did the right thing in seeking intervention. There are so many things that could be causing this, and they are the right people to talk to!

It is so easy to feel responsible for these things, but it's not your fault! you are loving your little girl and asking for help. That's the best thing you can do for her!

Your post really affected me. I know what you are feeling. I've been there. My son is now 6.5 and we've made SO MUCH progress. You will get there. I promise.

First thing I want to say is, it's in our minds to blame ourselves when something doesn't happen the way it should with our children. It's a conscious effort to try and reframe these thoughts. I'm sure there are some people out there who don't blame themselves, but I would say that most of us do. Now with that being said, JUST because it's our inclination do that, doesn't mean that we should do it. You must step back, as best you can, and focus on the needs of your child and NOT on your own reaction. Self-blame is useless in trying to make progress. It makes you feel stuck and unproductive. SO, STOP. Stop now. You can't help her when you are down on yourself.

Now, with all that being said, your daughter is her own little person. I have 3 children and ALL 3 of my kids are so different from each other. All raised in the same house and have the same genes. Yet, all so different... So, we can try and shape our kids and do the best things for them, but a lot of how they turn out is about their wiring and genetic makeup.

It's time to get her an early intervention assessment. Start with that. Have her evaluated and see where she's at. My son didn't walk until 16 months and our pediatrician was not terribly concerned. All of a sudden, he was up and moving and then running all over the place. He had some issues with fine motor and gross motor, so he did start with an Occupational Therapist a couple of years ago. You may end up going down a similar path with that. OTs are super knowledgeable about sensory issues and they may be of great support to you and your daughter. It sounds like with her food sensitivities that she may need some extra support from a speech pathologist and Occupational Therapist. My suggestion is, take ALL of the help that people offer to you. Check with your insurance and see what is covered because a lot of it may be covered. Find an Occupational Therapist who specializes in sensory issues. Because your daughter is so young, she isn't able to express in words what she is feeling. A lot of this might get easier as she is better able to communicate.

My heart goes out to you. I know the feelings that you describe firsthand. Talk to other parents who are going through similar situations. Reach out to a best friend and talk. There are lots of people out there who can relate.

Hugs to you, Momma. You're an awesome parent for identifying these issues and seeking help.

You are doing fine. Most of the things you list...well all of them I think, are things that kids usually just want to start doing when they are ready. It isn't something you did wrong at all! She will develop in her own time and getting a few tests run to be sure the doctors think she's on track would be a good idea. A lot of babies I know didn't talk and walk at that age and now they are making up for lost time! Try not to worry about what you are doing (it's not you) and do get some support from your pediatrician. Go give her extra loves and try to ease up a bit on your expectations. She needs you to be strong, loving and supportive.

You know children don't come with instruction manuals so really we're all just trying to figure it out as we go along. You did a great job at 1) seeing that your daughter is having issues and 2) reaching out to the birth to 3 program to get help.

Once she's evaluated you'll be able to understand what her needs are and what you can do to help her along. From where I'm sitting you aren't a failure. You are just overwhelmed right now. Be kind to yourself. You're doing your best.

Please take a breathe. Then listen to what I'm going to say with an open heart and mind. I have a lot of years working with kids as a nanny and as a child care facility worker and owner.

Your child is behind according to what you've stated. Okay? That's NOT the end of the world or bad parenting or anything you've likely done.

1. Some kids don't walk until they're older. My ex-brother in law didn't walk until he was 3. He got a new doc and that doc took one look at his legs and noticed he had a deformity. He was so bowlegged he couldn't put weight on his ankles. The other doc just thought he was okay. Older country doc verses city doc with a degree in pediatrics.

There are many things that can keep a child from walking and not all of them are physical. Sometimes they just don't want to walk. An evaluation by an experienced team in a facility that does this sort of work every day is where you need to take this baby.

2. Not being able to hold her own bottle is concerning. Laying on her back only and having issues all round with that area is something that a doctor should be addressing. Sitting up in a high chair with tiny tiny bits of food on the tray should encourage her to take bites. If she's not interested in that then she does need that evaluation sooner rather than later.

3. I have no concerns about her language skills. She is okay with what she's doing. The other things going on can influence what she is able to do. Perhaps she has a throat issue that prohibits her from drinking normally and it's effecting her ability to speak? Or it could be that she just isn't ready.

Give speech another 6-9 months as long as that is part of the process of evaluations to make sure there aren't any physical issues they want to address.

4. How is she feeling new surfaces if she has shoes on? She should be wearing good supportive shoes so her ankles will be straight and strong while trying to support her weight. That should help with her "feeling" new surfaces with her feet.

5. I don't know how to say this without it possibly making you feel bad and that is certainly not not not not not my intention.

S., please know that your child has some issues that may or may not be cognitive or physical but a disability of some sort. You did not fail her, you did not wait too long to try and work with her on anything. Okay? You have a child that shows some signs that could be a disability.

Please don't freak out over that okay? There are many medical interventions, training, therapies, medications, etc....that can really really help teach you how to effectively bring your child up to their maximum ability.

Parents have a big job ahead of them in every way. Kids with issues are very very very able to achieve much and have a happy fulfilling life.

Just take it a day at a time and research your area and get a thorough evaluation done for physical, mental, cognitive levels so you know where to start and what is what. That way you know where you are and what is fact and what is fiction. This will help you have strength.

you really don't teach a child to walk or eat. you offer them opportunities, and they take you up on them when they're ready.
there are plenty of kids older than yours who don't walk or talk yet.
the 'huge battles' are probably exhausting her as much as they are you. she may have issues. she probably doesn't. but even if she does, why not work on sitting back a little and enjoying her more? it doesn't all have to be a battle. if you're not trying to take away her bottle and press the sippy cup on her, at some point she'll want to pick it up. it's fine to try these things, but since they're not working and just making her scream, stop! don't 'encourage' her to explore on playdates. it's good to try it- but it just makes her feel less secure. let her stay by you the whole time for now if she wants to. she's so very tiny. and speaking of tiny, the last thing you want is to turn food into a war ground. it must be very worrisome to have a tiny one with digestive issues, but you can't force her to eat, and it's so dangerous to keep trying.
this is not the time for this all-encompassing sadness and breaking down. if she's fine (and she probably is) you're wasting your precious baby's terribly brief babyhood by angsting and pushing at her all the time. if there is a problem, you have alerted the experts and are going to get help to cope with the issues.
but the issues aren't the whole child, and you're letting issues that may not even be real take over the totality of your parenting experience. put all the energy that you're now expending on blaming yourself for things out of your control at worst and non-existent at best, and try to just relax into mothering your little girl in a calm, accepting fashion.
easier said than done, i know.
good luck!
khairete
S.

You are not a failure. An early intervention is what you need, and sounds like you have one. They will evaluate and then work with your child on problem areas. All moms go through these same feelings at some point. My son was very delayed in speech and motor development. At 2 I had him evaluated, and at 3, he began working with a team. It's important to be consistent, but enjoy your daughter and try not to become frustrated on what you perceive her not to be able to do.

Everything will come at its own time, and with therapy, she will be all the more for it!

Hugs.

kids develop at their own pace, they explore at their own pace, our daughter went from scooting to walking to running in less then six months. if the only way she will drink milk is from a bottle, thats fine, it might just be a "comfort" thing for the kid. the guidelines have changed so much since my sister was tiny( thirty odd years ago) thats it very hard to know whats truly normal for an kids age group . talk other parents, this will help you get an ideal as to what other kids your childs age is doing, take the child to the playgroups with other kids close to her own age, maybe a little younger. give the child as much protein as you can get the kid to eat..ice cream with protein powder, cheese,meat, milk..size wise, extra protein will help her catch up with her peers. after all that, then check in with her ped. to see whats going on..more later K. h.

It's hard when your child is not who you thought they would be...they are sensitive or difficult or anxious or harder in whatever way. One of my kids has been a harder child since birth and he still is often my impossible child. I actually think I went through a small period of mourning the fact that he not the kind of kid I had hoped he would be. But now I accept him for who he is...with all his flaws. He will be an amazing adult some day - I am sure of it. This kid has caused me so many grey hairs...so much worry! It could just be your daughter's natural temperament...a little more anxious, slow to warm up to things, sensitive, and not eager to be a big girl. My friend's daughter at her 4th and 5th birthdays would insist to everyone that she really was turning 3 and she wanted to stay her mama's baby. She was very clingy to mom and always acted very immature and babyish about things. Well this year (she's almost 6) she has come out her shell. My other friend's baby/toddler didn't want to walk, hated new textures toughing her feet, was shy, and was afraid of new things...she is now an 11 year old girl who figure skates with a coach 5 days a week and is an amazing athlete, outgoing, and very goal oriented. Hang in there. Being a parent can be so hard.

You are not a failure! And, you have not failed your daughter. I'm glad you're in touch with early intervention. Hopefully they will call soon. My kids walked at 13m, 18m, and 17m. She's still not behind in walking.

Food frustrations. I'm so sorry. Our 4 year old has Celiac and it's been almost a 2 year journey figuring that out.

Talking. My oldest didn't really talk until 2.5y and my youngest had quite a vocabulary at 12m. My oldest (now 9) did speech and you would never know he was a late talker.

Hang in there. I'm glad you're getting help for the things you think she needs. You are doing great! ((HUGS))

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I don't see how you have "failed". Have you taken her to the doctor to be examined and tested? Yes, I believe so. That's not a failure.

You don't "teach" a child to walk. It's something that is developed.

You'll end up working with an occupational therapist to help your daughter explore, talk, and everything else.

You will get through this. Things WILL work out for your daughter. Keep up with the doctors and the testing. Remember to breathe.

Remember she will react to you and your stress. I know it's hard. Keep fighting for your daughter!!

You didn't fail your daughter, don't feel that way. At least now you are noticing now and taking the proper steps to get your daughter evaluated. What other people said is right, you will probably be referred to an OT, PT and i would also suggest a ST to help with verbalizing, it is never to late for that! I would also encourage genetic testing, just to be sure and maybe you need to see a pediatric GI specialist. They can test to see if she is allergic/sensitive to gluten, that might be what is upsetting her stomach. A long road ahead of you but you got this mama! Good luck!

I think we all feel something similar to this at various points in our parenting lives. The frustration, anxiety, and feeling like we failed. I know I did.

Just to give you some perspective, my daughter didn't walk until she was 15 months (and that was with physical therapy). She didn't say her first word until 15 months. She had only a few words by 16 months, but by 18-19 months, she had 15 words. Now, at 2.5 years, she talks nonstop, most of the time in full senteces.

She was also not very adventurous and had texture issues -- she developed a fear of walking on grass at one point, which she eventually got over. She hated getting her hands dirty and touching things with different textures. It wasn't until just a few months ago when we were finally able to convince her to finger paint. She also refused to eat foods with different textures -- she preferred to drink her calories.

Now at 2.5, she got over many of these issues. With the right therapies, your daughter will get there, too. You just need to give her some time and continue to give her your support.

Oh dear mama - please give yourself some grace. This parenting stuff is hard enough - we don't need to beat ourselves up!

My daughter walked really early but barely talked until she was two. She had a speech delay until school age. My neice didn't have any interest in walking until she was 18 months old. Both are now 18 and are perfectly normal!

All the parenting books list these timeframes for the average kid - but they are nothing more than an amalgamation of all of the kids' times. No kid is "average". YOu child may have a sensory issue - or something else. Let the doctors figure it all out. The best thing you can do for your child is get early interventaion programs set up if she's eligible for them. My best friend's child had intervention from about 18months and it offered the opportunity for great success. she's in college now and y ou'd never know she had any kind of dvelopmental delay.

Give yourself a break. take it easy on yourself - let the professionals help. Your daughter will be just fine and she will learn all the things she needs to learn. Promise.

You are so NOT a failure. Your child is just on a slower path. Don't worry, she will catch up (sounds like a bit of intervention will do a lot for her). And as for walking, I know lots of kids who didn't walk until 15 months or so - hang on, she will get there.

Continue to work with your doctors and specialists. Doing so makes you a fabulous mom, certainly not a failure. Good luck!!