Having a Hard Time with Frequent Tdy's

What helps me and my kid is hanging out with a mom and kid about the same age. I used to baby sit for a while it was full time thing it got to be to much so I stopped dueing it. I didn't find something else but we didn't need the money that bad. It got to wear i didn't wont to send time with my kids. I would try to get in to the bx or bank or see if they need anyone at the hotel on base( I can't spell what it is called but you should know what I mean)

Hi D.,

This sounds like a very tough time for you. Even without my husband deployed, I feel as though being a mom is challenging. I believe the fact that you described your son as "the love of your lives" means you're a great mom. I have a 2 1/2 year old that drives me to the edge every day, so I understand your frustration! It does sound like you need a break. Sometimes life becomes so overwhelming that it closes in on us.....I'm a firm believer in taking care of yourself before you are able to take care of others. However, this doesn't exclude you from your "mommy duties." I feel like you know this already, because I don't know many people your age who are brave enough to put themselves out there. Good for you, D.. Be strong and remember that you're not alone. Do you have any family or friends that may be able to help? Being overseas can be very stressful, especially when you don't have ongoing support. Do you have any interests/hobbies? What about continuing your education? Maybe the CDC is adding to your frustrations right now. Look into other possible opportunities. It is hard enough being a parent (at any age). It sounds like added stress at your current job. This isn't good for anybody. Bottom line....My advice is to take good care of yourself and your family. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, but take action soon. You're not alone....You can do this.

Hi D.
I just wanted to tell you that you should not beat yourself up! Being a mom is a really hard job even in ideal circumstances and when things aren't always ideal, problems seem to magnify. It is hard to have your husband TDY a lot. Since I'm old enough to be your mother, I feel like I'm qualified to give you some advice, for what it's worth.

First, I know you like having the income your job brings you. However, if you really crunch the numbers, I think you would find that after taxes, and whatever you might end up having to pay out of pocket for your son's care while you're at work, it's quite possible you're only bringing home a few dollars/hour. Plus, taking care of kids is hard work. Especially with your husband beind TDY so much, it's possible that he's making a little more money with per diem. If you really worked on your budget, you might be able to find a way to stop working for a while.

Go to USAFE Services or Army Community Service (for all service members and dependents) and find out what kind of support services they have that you can take advantage of. For example, they might have free childcare program for students.

I strongly recommend that you find a way to continue your education either at a local university or online. There are tons of tuition grants available and you may not even have to pay up front. You should take some general education courses and figure out what types of things you're interested in.

If you feel like you need to contribute to the household income or help pay for your education, you could offer babysitting services on your own. I bet there are plenty of people who would not mind if you brought along your son and babysat their children so they could have some time out. Good babysitters are hard to find. This way, you would not have a set schedule and could work it around your classes and your son's needs.

I can't stress enough how investing in your education now will be a huge pay-off later. Your budget might be tight for a few years, but once you're finished you'll be qualified for job with good pay and benefits and it will all have been worth it.

Also, you could start a co-op group with other moms. You could use poker chips--red=one hour, blu=half hour (or whatever) You would each start with the same number of chips (say 20 hours worth) and you would use them to trade with each other. You just keep everyone on a list and call each other as needed. Just make a rule that no one can hold more than 35 hours worth at a time so that people aren't taken advantage of, and another rule that says each member has to say yes at least twice per month or something like that, so that no one gets away with not participating. Anyway, just an idea.

The point is, if you simplify your life a little, and get together with others to help each other out, you will feel less stressed about being all alone.

Now I'm going to get personal. You're young, and you see a lot of young people going out and having fun and doing things you can't because you're a mom. Here's the deal: it might seem fun to you because you don't get to do it often, so you think you're missing out. Consider this: Most of those people going out and "partying" are looking for love, "happiness" and some sort of a connection. Soon they will get very tired of that whole scene. And do you know what they'll start wishing for? A husband who loves and takes care of his family, a home, a child---in other words, everything that you already have. It's hard to see that now but trust me, it's the truth.

The other truth is, you have made the choice to be a wife and mother at a very young age--that was your choice to make and a brave one. It takes hard work and dedication whether you're 20 or 75. You must accept the choices that you have made and the life you are living. You can change your economic, social, and educational status for the better. But you will always be a mother and hopefully always be a wife and those two things must take priority over the fleeting good times you might get at the clubs or going out with friends.

I know you can do this--just the fact that you wrote about your issue means that you're mature enough to handle whatever comes your way. Just remember you're not alone. You have to reach out to others if you're feeling overwhelmed. Any mom who is asking questions is a good mom!!
Take care and good luck!!

Hello D.,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this, unfortunately that comes with the "MILITARY SPOUSE" territory. I have been married to an USAF for 20 years and 15 of those he has been in the military.

Feeling like that is very common, specially if you are over seas. First of all we don't have support from our loved ones, the environment is hard to get aclimated to, absense of conviniences from the states also makes us feel this way. Social isolation can be lethal to our health. At times we feel lonely and isolated , which is very commoen. If you are feeling overwhelmed, please access militaryonesource.com, speak to your chaplin, Airmen and Family Readiness Center, Family Advocacy, or Mental Health Clinic. You need to take care of yourself, do "Give Parents A Break" and ejoy a night with your friends or a bubble bath. You need to prevent anything from happening to you, your child and your marriage so get anything you can to prevent it from happening.

One more thing, have a support group. At times of lonelyness and confussion, we always tend to need somebody to talk to.

Take care,

Ceci

I agree that finding a different job is important. I would not want someone who hates their job taking care of my kids. You will be much happier doing something else.

I think your son will be a handful if he is being affected by your husband being gone often. If you can work fewer hours and spend more time with your son, your son's might tone down and he might feel a little more settled and secure himself.

How old is your son? Toddlers can be frustrating and the more you push them away trying to get some air, the more they cling or act out. It is a stage and he outgrow some of this if you address it properly.

Think about a different job, fewer hours and more quality time with your son where you are completely plugged into him and not distracted with other things.

I was a "single Mom" for my three children for a total of 19 months (4 months deployment, with us for 2 months, 1 year remote, 1 month to catch up to him here in Germany). The four month TDY was harder for me than the year remote because of the way I set myself up. I used the Give Parents A Break program for the 4m deployment and each time I could hardly wait to give my 3 kids over to the care takers. To do nothing without my kids was lovely, to do an errond where thinking or time was needed without the kids was pleasant, not hearing the word MOM! a blessing I soaked up like a sponge. For the year remote I signed my then 3 year old up for a Mother's Day Out program my church had, and my other two were in school. This gave me two days a week for 5 hours each day to be without my children. What a difference! I didn't always need the GPAB program and never felt like I couldn't wait to get away from my kids. Another switch to my routine was taking a short nap in the afternoon. I found that with a one hour rest I was less tired at night. I was A LOT more tolerant of my children durring the night hours and was easily able to stay up an extra 2-3 hours at night to get my 2 youngest up to go to the bathroom since they were at the ages of getting rid of night time diapers. I was also able to easily get up at 6:00am to start our routine all over again. Look at what in your daily life you do not like and then problem solve. As a young mother and wife I bet you are just learning that if you don't do a job then it just isn't going to get done. Don't put the job of you being happy on your husband's sholders. I bet he is so wonderful that he will support whatever solution you come up with to make you and thus his family happy. You can change. Figure out what you don't like, such as the items you listed to us. Then figure out what you can do differently (look into the GPAB program, toddler groups, new job or no job outside the house, ...). If your first attempt at change doesn't work then switch things around again. Second, a person's thinking does effect how one feels and acts. You must change some of your thinking right away. For example, being childless is not an option for you, having more children is still a choice you have many years to make. You hate your job and there is nothing you can do about it because you need the money-- simply is not a true statement. Find a way to switch these thoughts around to positive, working sentences. You are the heart of your family. You MUST work to find a happy and workable solution. We are strong women and create the happy family atmosphere we desire.

Best of luck to you. Be strong and be happy!

Yes, I am in the same boat. Quit your job! If you really do hate it it is not fair to you, your son, your husband, or the children you watch! No amount of Money is worth it! Trust me I did it for too long and have regreated it greatly. Find what you love. Go back to school, work with CYS, work with ACS, there are many things you can do.
Love yourself,
Blessings
H.

Hello D.!
I feel your pain...my situation is different as I am an older mom but I am homeschooling my 2 children and understand the need for a break!You may want to consider a career change. I can understand how burnt out a person can be when they are completely enveloped in children. I, too teach but only a few hours a week. When it gets to be too much I take a break or I feel like I may crack. I have been considering what else I can do to bring in a little money. Have you considered a home business? You also should join a mom's group like MOPS(mothers of preschoolers) or a gym co-op so you can get out of the house and be around other moms. When our children were tiny I used to go to MOPS. It was so nice to fellowship and chat and do crafts with other moms. It was a great 3 hour break! You need that break so you can be refreshed and enjoy your child. If you are truly depressed you may need to talk to a doctor as well. Many woman have erratic hormones years after having a baby and with our husbands gone so much in the military our emotions can get the best of us. Take care of yourself and you will be a better mom and feel better about your situation.
I will pray for you!
Kim

My husband travels frequently as well, leaving me with our 2 year old son. At first I felt very resentful that he would leave me alone with all of the responsibilities of a "single parent" sans the working full-time. I learned over the course of some time and after some personal reflection that the best thing I could do for myself was find a part time job and some fun activities to do and get out of the house. It was for my mental health. At first I felt guilty for working and leaving our son when I didn't have to, but I needed to otherwise I would grow more resentful towards my husband, and not like being around my son so much (who is an absolute riot, by the way. It would be a shame not to take pleasure in his antics.) Try to find something that you like to do and spend a couple hours a couple times during the week away from your son. It probably wouldn't hurt to find another job, away from the kids. It might help.

HI D., My name is N.. I'm an Army SAHW w/ 2 kids. I used to be in the work field but when we had kids we talked & decided that rather then giving our $ to somebody else to raise our kids that I would just stay at home & raise them. It's worked out graet for us.
As far as working at the CDC, I don't blame you for not liking it, my advice to you is, look for a different job. The raeson being is that sooner rather than later, that resentment is going to start coming out & your child is going to start sensing it, if he hasn't already. And it sounds like your child has started to sense it & that is why the acting out has started, therefore you two are not connecting like you should.
Good Luck to you & your family
hope this has helped you in some way
N.

I am an Army wife and my husband will be gone for 15 months straight so I think you are lucky with the 2weeks gone one week home. However, I think your main problem is you are young and didn't really get to have your own fun as a grown up before you were responsible for a child. That said this is still your situation. Maybe if you got a job where you would be able to talk to more adults during the work day. Have you tried a bank teller? Maybe even retail at the BX? Also, you shouldn't feel guilty about going out a few nights a week as long as you have a reliable babysitter. You need to take care of yourself too and being a part time single parent is not easy no matter how long they are gone. My main advice to you is look for another job so you aren't with children all day and you will miss being with yours alot more and appreciate the time together alot more. As you said your son is the most important and wonderful thing and he wants you to be happy too!
Good luck!

I know how you are feeling. We had 3 kids ages 13, 11, and 8 and I finally was able to get a GOOD job when our little boy started KG. Then last Jan, I found out I was pregnant! Not only that but the day before we found out I was PG we got orders to leave beautiful sunny Fl, and move to England. I thought I was gonna die! Having a baby is so hard. I don't remember it being this hard. My husband is set to leave for 8 months soon, and I am taking my kids and going back home, because I know when i am in over my head.

The money may be good at the CDC, but it isn't worth it if you are not happy. Maybe if you found a job that you weren't miserable in, you may start to feel better. It may be a cut in pay, but your happiness shouldn't come with a price tag.

****If you feel like you are going to lose it and you may hurt your baby, get help ASAP!!! Nobody will judge you. Don't allow your emotions to get out of control****

I think all mothers get frustrated and need a break. Being a mother is a job that never ends. It is exhausting mentally and physically at times. Mothering can also be the most rewarding job on the planet!!! We just have to allow that to happen by recognizing our own needs and taking care of ourselves as well as our kids.

I think you should look for a different job that does not involve children.
You should also try to find other young mothers to talk to. And don't forget about your own mother or sisters or friends far away .... they can help a lot just by listening.
I am not a "scheduled" person, so I have always had difficulty finding regular time for myself. But I think all of my friends that did have it scheduled into their days managed the down periods of motherhood VERY well.
If you can attend a regular class (crafts, exercise, etc) at the base and leave your son at the CDC, that would give you some time away that is not the same feeling as "going out".
Make sure that you are getting enough sleep. That can totally change your outlook on things.

I also have frequent TDYs and so do alot of my friends. You have to remember that it up to us to make this part of our lives happen. I am also the Mother of holy cow quite a handful. It is frustrating because you feel like your being selfish and you are trying your hardest everyday.In a womens life she comes to crossroad where she has to become the strong one.If you find your niche and appreciate the little things the hard times grow to be another little bump in the road. I have done over half of my marriage long disatnce and we are just fine. My daughter is a wonderful kind child who is extremly creative..But most of all I am still sane and have to remeber sometimes it is only a couple years out of a very long and happy life..Good luck S. A

Hello D.,

First of all, sons are a blessing. I have one, and he is my prince. Second of all, you are very brave to ask for advice. That takes alot of courage and you are to be commended.

I was also a young mother with two children and you may look at the TDY's as a blessing. I loved my husband, but like kids...they are alot of work. Just look at his being gone as a relief instead of an absence.

Some military wives get caught up in the thoughts of "what if we were not in the military". But, there are many jobs in the civilian world that keep husbands from the home: truck driving, pilots, lawyers, salesmen and the such.

It is wonderful to have your husband by your side, I am saying nothing negative about that. I am just trying to change the way you think of his "absence". Think of it more like, "i dont have to shave or do the dishes tonight". That may help your stress level go down when he is gone.

Also, no money in the world is worth your motherhood to your son or your sanity. Quit the job now. If you want more money, try to work at home. There are too many wives of Soldiers and Airmen that do not work- so it can be done.

My son is 11 now. I did not work while he was a young child. The first 5 years of their lives is when their personality is formed. Do you want it to be your personality or some day care providers? Just some things to think about. Before you know it, your son will be thinking about driving and girls...it goes by fast.

Good luck in your future and have long, candle-lit bubble baths with your baby while your husband is gone. Babies love warm baths and time with mommy and it puts them right to sleep..and you.

Get some rest, enjoy your time to yourself while your husband is gone and get away from children that steal your childs mommy.

This is tough-love, I understand. I hope all goes well.

A.

Being a mommy is the best feeling in the word, but i know it can get very stressful. Like you I am young, and i know that i can be hard with a little one all by yourself. My hubby is currently deployed too, and i feel just the way you do. But i keep telling myself that I can get trought it and it all will be ok and its totally worth it. Your son needs you. Just enjoy all the time you have with him, because they grow really fast.

You are not alone in the way you are feeling, it's normal. However you do have to do something, you need a serious break. For one thing try to find a different job, don't quit the one you have right away, but start getting your resume and applications out there. Having a job you enjoy will drastically reduce your stress, and leave you looking forward to picking up your own son at day care and then spending the evening with him. Money in the bank is so not worth it if you truly hate your job and it's affecting your life in other ways. And maybe the next time your husband goes TDY you could go visit family or friends, just to get away from it all and re-charge. I wish you the best of luck.