Has Trouble Sleeping When Not Being Held

Hi A.,
We are having a similar situation with my 5 month old granddaughter~ so we make a "nest"for her which props her body just right for sleeping, but makes her feel like she is being held. Works like a charm. Just fold and roll up two big bath towels to make "bumpers",place them close together with just room enough to cradle her tightly, then lay a receiving blanket over them.
There's probably some fancy thingy that does the same thing and costs $30, but this method works fine for us!
Good luck!

Hi A.,I am a mom of 4 my yougest is 3 months old i never had great sleepers but i dont believe you can spoil an infant with to much love of holding him.I do believe they do well being swaddled or in there car seat because it is so tight ther movement startles them when they are not snuggled in.I agree with you i do not beleive in the ferber method i dont think it is meant for a baby that young anyway.Although having 4 young children i feel like you do whatever it takes just to get a little sleep they are not gonna want to sleep with you forever.There is no right way you need to do what works for you.Goodluck if there is any advice i can offer feel free to ask.

I don't know if this would help (or even if you're interested), but when my younger daughter was that young, swaddling seemed to help her sleep on her own. Also, if I let her sleep in her car seat, she seemed to sleep better because it simulated the feeling of being held. I hope these help, and good luck!

My son only slept when I held him as well. I just brought him into bed with us and wore him in a sling during the day. I feel that "crying it out" is absolutely wrong to do to an infant (which you instinctively feel as well). Babies are supposed to be dependent on their mothers. Convenience is not a proper reason to try to "teach" an infant that seperation is a good thing. The happiest babies you'll see are the ones who are held or carried in a sling, and sleep with their parents. If you would like advice on slings and babywearing, I would be happy to help.

Hi A.,

Have you given any thought to co-sleeping? I sleep a lot better with my 8 month old son when we co-sleep. My daughter who is now 4 yo slept in a crib (which I really regret) as I didn't get a lot of sleep. But if we had co-slept he would have felt more secure and we both would have gotten more sleep together.
Your baby is only 4 weeks old and that is such a great age where they still 'scrunch' up against you! You holding her is her way of feeling secure and safe.
Do you have a sling you could carry her in during the day? She could sleep in that while you do things around your home. And remember too, this is a such a short phase it will pass and then you'll miss it.
I HATED Ferber and you can tell your parents that Ferber has actually retracted alot of his method as has now (finally) realized how much trauma it causes children.
By nature they are supposed to want to be with their caregiver, it's part of their survival instinct. We're the only country in the world that forces our children to sleep in another room in what they consider a cage...

Anyway, your baby is precious and you are doing all the right things, tuning into her needs and wants and doing a great job. More than anything else, trust yourself. You know what's best for your baby.

E. P.

A.,
Your baby is so young still, almost anything is normal. Will she spend some stretches awake during the day while not being held, such as on a blanket on a carpet, in a baby seat, in a nice long bath, outside in her carriage, whether being strolled or just sitting outside? Babies seem to just love the fresh air. Is she very fussy a lot of the time? Maybe as she's more awake during the day, she'll be tired enough to sleep some stretches alone more comfortably. However, I didn't end up using the cradle/crib that we had very much. I often had to lie down with my (3) girls to get them to really fall asleep, so they slept mostly in the "family bed" at night and even during the day until they could roll over/crawl. They may have napped some in the cradle/crib, but after a while, they ended up napping on the couch a lot, etc. My youngest was the fussiest about sleeping, but she was plagued with chronic ear infections from a very early age, but you will be doing plenty of well-baby checks and they'll check that out, along with any other possible causes of discomfort. Some babies just seem to need to be held more than others. They're all individuals, too, just like older people, so don't worry too much about her fitting into an "expected" set of routines.
Babies do take a lot of time and I'm sure it's hard because you're busy with school, but try not to worry about holding her too much. I don't think it has any negative effects, though it may be inconvenient. Take it from an experienced mom that these baby stages will pass faster than you think and when you get to be my age, you will miss them, especially in a major way if you lose one of your children at an early age like I did. I lost my precious middle daughter when she was 21, in an accident. I so wish I could hold her now, even if it's for so long that my arms get sore, so hug away, hold her a lot, even as she gets older, and don't worry about it much. You will figure it out. Be patient with your precious baby and yourself. Take care and have fun...

It looks like you've received a lot of advice. But I wanted to add that my daughter was exactly like yours. It wasn't because we held her too long but because they like to feel wrapped and tight. Therefore, our pedi told us she could sleep in her car seat until she was two month. We put her car seat, reclined properly, in her crib. She slept so well once we did this. At two month, we slowly transitioned her to the crib. What a difference a month makes. Good luck

Two book suggestions: Karp's "Happiest Baby on the Block," and Hogg's "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer." Both are great at explaining newborns and their needs.

Four weeks is still awfully young to try "methods" of any sort. A lot of infants are very sensitive to outside stimuli. Our son was easily awakened by noises. We got a wonderful stuffed animal that makes a heartbeat sound to imitate the muffled sounds of the mother's heartbeat while the child is still in utero - you can adjust the volume. Our son is now a teen and he still sleeps with one of those air filters just to provide "white noise" - and my oldest stepdaughter fell asleep to the vacuum cleaner! Also, some babies like the close feeling and dislike the freedom of movement - so swaddling can be an answer.

Good luck!

My little boy was the same way. He was really a 'skin-to-skin' baby, he really wanted to be held close to sleep. In order to get sleep myself I just started sleeping with him next to me in bed (something I never thought I would do) and that let both of us get sleep. He is now 8 months old and sleeps by himself in a crib with no problem for naps, but still spends much of the night with me in bed. I wouldn't try Ferber with your baby yet (they don't recommend it until 6+ months) My husband was really worried that if he started sleeping with us, he would never want to stop. We are just starting to put him in his crib at night and it's not perfect yet, but we're getting there.
Don't worry too much about spoiling her or ruining her forever if she sleeps with you, at this early stage, whatever you need to do to get her to sleep and get sleep yourself, is just fine.
good luck!

Hi A.,
I am a pedi nurse and teach a class on newborn care- and as you know, your baby's behavior is normal! She is only 4 weeks old, and it is normal to need to be held. Crying is normal also; 2 to 4 hours a day is average. You can look at the Dr Sears book regarding "wearing down" and the "hands on" approach, where you wear her in sling and when asleep put her down- and the hands on- just taking away one hand at a time.- more thorough descriptions in his Baby Book. Also, it takes an infant at least 20 minutes to get into a deep sleep- so wait for the 'limp limb' sign before putting her down. Your baby wont be ready for the Ferber method or others until they are much older- they can't self-soothe until much older.
You can try 'The Happiest Baby on the Block"-which has great swaddling techniques, and info about baby behavior and fussiness.
Keep holding your baby- it is great for both of you!

K.

I had the same issues with my first child. I was just so happy to be a mom that I never wanted to put him down. If he cried, I would pick him up. He slept great if he was held too. With my daughter I learned. We put her in her crib while she was awake. Tired but awake. You might try that. She may cry and but it might just be from trying to sooth herself. If you can't stand her crying then do what you feel is right. The habits you get into now, will be harder to change later on. Like I said, I learned the hard way with my first. I know it's hard to put that sweet angel down but you do need time for yourself. Being a mom for the first time is a very tough job. Enjoy this stage, it goes by too fast. Good luck. If you want to chat, please email me anytime.
Good luck. You'll be great.

A.,
at this age it is impossible to hold them to much. you can't spoil a baby until they are at least 8-9months of age.swaddling is a good idea. how about some backround noise like a fan,radio or sound machine.hold her love her and an enjoy this time becuase itgoesby soo fast and you'll never get it back. good luck

Hi A.. Don't worry - you cannot hold your baby too much. Read the book - Happiest Baby on the Block - it will help.

Letting your baby cry won't work anyways until she is 4 or 5 months old. Babies under 4 months of age cry and need to be responded to. After 4 months you can start to delay the amount of time you respond to your baby to give her the opportunity to soothe herself. Now she is too young and needs you.
I wish I knew more of this when my 5 month old was firs born - because spoiling her stressed me out. Now I know it would not have mattered. Hold her all the time! These days will pass quickly and you'll WANT to hold her and she'll be interested in something else!

Good advice so far. I'd try a really tight swaddle using a Miracle Blanket. Newborns have a strong startle reflex, & it really helped with my son.

I too am a first time mom of a 6 and a half month old. There is no right or wrong answer as to how to get your baby to sleep, but my advice to you is to do what you feel in your heart is right! If you don't believe in the Ferber method, don't do it! I tried to get my son to sleep on his own, even in our co-sleeper, but he wouldn't sleep. He needed to be close to my heart and wanted to nurse all the time. So we did! I held my son for the first 12 weeks of his life. He slept in bed with me until he was 5 months old and now he sleeps in his crib without trouble. My husband and I did do the Ferber method, but not unitl he was five months old. For more on attachment parenting, I suggest Dr. Sears "Baby Book". He talks about "wearing" you baby and how wonderful that can be. Hope this helps!

Try putting her in her car seat to sleep in the crib. Also try wrapping her in a blanket like when she was in the hopt. My son was like that and these things worked... If you put her in with one of your shirts that you have already put on she will also smell you and may sleep better that was 2. Hope this helps.

when you put her down try putting her on her side. Hold her arm with one hand (to keep her on her side)while you rub her back/pat her back with the other. This is what I do with my 5 week old. Usually I hold her and pat her back just before I put her in the crib, so when I continue to pat her back when she's in the crib it makes for a nice transition. After about a minute I leave the room. If she cries I just go back in and repeat. Sometimes I have to do it 2 or 3 times but it sure beats the "cry it out" method in my opinion. I know babies are supposed to be put down on their backs but she will usually flop onto her back a few minutes after I leave the room anyway.

I'm a mom of two school age children. But I remember their baby days well. You are not doing anything wrong. You are showing your baby that you love her by holding her. Baby's don't have language, so they cry to get what they want. She doesn't like being put down. And she is letting you know that by crying. However, you need to set the expectation. Which she will not like at first. And you will not like listening to her complain/cry, but it will only get worse, and harder to change if you don't do something now. You will have to put her down and let her cry until she falls asleep. She will resist and it will probably be difficult for both of you for a couple of days. This is normal. Swaddle her tight and leave the room. Read a book, watch a show, talk on the phone, but don't go to her. She will eventually fall asleep. When you go to her, you are reinforcing that her crying will bring you so she don't have to fall asleep alone. This was very hard for me to do, but it worked. I had two very good sleepers as a result. Good luck!

We have a 9 week old daughter who had a similar problem. She would only fall asleep on top of one of us, which did not lend itself to anyone (except her) getting any sleep. Although I can't say we're sleeping much better, we no longer hold her to make her fall asleep. Very secure swaddling seems to help more than anything else. Now she sleeps most of the night in her bassinet, although some nights are better than others... Best of luck!

My younger son is 7 months old and he went through a phase like what you are describing with your daughter - that is for about a week or two he would only sleep at night if he was being held. Luckily the phase passed. I seem to have a lot of sleep issues with both my sons, sadly I don't have any suggestions. Although I must admit I have not found much of the advice out there to be particularly useful - either I am already doing it or it just wouldn't make sense for our family. Your daughter is too young for any of the methods in the Ferber book - which actually was helpful with my older son. The older did not start sleeping through the night until I forced the issue at around 10 months. Now he just won't go to bed. Says he hates nighttime.

she is only 4 weeks!!!!
keep holding her i still lay down w/my 7 YEAR old
she is NORMAL...perfect,they grow so quickly.
it is so hard @ the beginning but this will pass.

Aimee said it all! Please don't let your little baby cry it out, she only wants you close to her. Get a good sling that works well with your body type and her preferred position against you (Moby wrap worked for us when my little guys were tiny, then we switched to a Maya wrap as older infants, then to a MeiTai as toddlers). Another tip, also get a sling that fits your partner so that he can wear baby too.

And try cosleeping, if you are comfortable with it. It saved my sanity and grew my boys into the secure, confident little guys they are today at 2 and 3.5 (and still co sleeping when they need it!). We love it.

It's hard being a new mom, isn't it? First, that Ferber method is total garbage. Avoid it. Your baby is a human being not a programmable robot. Second, as exhausted and confused as you are now, this will all pass by in the wink of an eye. Be patient. Third, I am assuming that your pediatrician says everything is as it should be.

Crying is normal. She is communicating. Continue swaddling, rocking, murmuring words of love, kissing her face, etc. When you put her down in the crib, make sure the lights are low and it's quiet, but not silent. She probably misses the constant sounds of life while she was in gestation. You could try a device that mimics the heartbeat. Do continue conversations, etc., but at a muted level. It's good for her to hear Mom and Dad talk and laugh.

Also try putting a soft unwashed T-shirt that you have worn under her (spread it flat flat flat or cut it up into smaller pieces) so she can smell you.

Take lots of walks in a stroller so she meets the world. Even if she's asleep she will be absorbing information.

I also advocate reading aloud to her. It can be as simple as "Goodnight Moon" every single time, but you'll develop a cadence that can be very soothing to her. Develop a routine that becomes a tradition (and of course, someday she'll learn the word "again" and you'll read it 10 times in a row!).

If she begins to cry after all this, go and gently rub her tummy, as you have been doing, and talk in your softly-reading-aloud cadence. When she calms, leave the room. When she gets the idea that you'll always be there, she'll sleep better.

This will pass so fast. She's still so brand-new and trying to figure out her world - she might be bothered by a laundry detergent smell, a too-silent house, or who knows what?

I use to say to my last baby "I can't wait until you walk" because she was a big baby. Now she's about to turn 13 and I tell her, "I can't wait until I'm a grandmother" because I missing holding babies. So treasure this time and don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends if you need a nap yourself.

Have you tried one of those baby swings(for naps). My daughter did the same thing and would only sleep in an upright position. She also slept in a car seat for a couple nights (not always a good idea but she slept).
Also lying on her belly could upset her. I know several kids that had the same issue and their parents tried letting them sleep on their stomachs (watching them carefully).
Try all your options and take it easy. She is only four weeks old and these things can work themselves out.

Hello,
She's only 4 weeks old... you have a ways to go! My daughter wouldn't sleep by herself till she was almost 6 months old. Looking back now, she's 5 now, I think this was completely my fault! I wouldn't lay her down till she was good and asleep and she'd immediately wake up and need my help getting back to sleep.
I think if I had nursed her till she was drowsy and then laid her down before she was fully asleep she would have learned to put herself to sleep. Babies need to replicate the process they used to fall asleep- each time they wake up. So if she fell asleep in your arms- she'll need to have that to get back to sleep when she wakes up. Not so good when you are trying to sleep yourself!
I would not use the Ferber method with a child who is already used to your comfort to settle down. It's just not right at this young age. She needs you and letting her cry is just mean.
She cries because she wants you- and at 4 weeks old, her wants and needs are the same thing. I know this is hard now but I promise you that it doesn't last. Look ahead 6 months and I assure you that she will be sleeping for longer amounts of time. It's just a short term thing.
I absolutely promise you... someday you will look back at those long nights of comforting your precious little baby- and miss that! When she won't let you hug her because she's "too busy" you'll wish she wanted you the way she did when she was 4 weeks old!
Hang in there, it will get better.
Good luck,
S.

Hi A., Congratulations! I was in your shoes almost seven years ago when our first child was born. I was new at it all and completely unsure of myself, he was very hard to figure out and he cried alot. My main advice would be watch your baby and try to figure out what keeps her awake. Are you missing the tired cue (sometimes around thier eyes change color slightly, they yawn, they stare or try to suck on thier fingers, being over stimulated and over tired is the worst thing for her) Does she need to be swaddled tightly when you put her in her crib so her arms don't move around and keep her awake. Try keeping the routine exactly the same, put her into her crib tell her your love her and leave the room. The Ferber method will work quicker than you think if you keep these things consistent - you are not hurting her - you are teaching her the first of many difficult lessons. She will
learn and you all will be well rested.

Lots of luck! L.

my daughter is 3 months and the same way it's kind og aggrevating sometimes that you don't get a free moment so i know what you're going threw
i do put a heating pad in her bassinet while i feed her or get her ready and then take it out before i put her in and i wrap the blanket aroung her and have those wedges in the bassinet so she doesn't roll over to her tummy and this sometimes helps her because she's warm and snug and feels held
good luck

Hi A.~
Has your daughter had a cold recently? It's possible her ears could be stopped up or she has an ear infection. That could cause her pain when she lies down. Feeding her when she's lying too flat can also cause the fluid to get into her ear canals too causing pain and infection.

If non of that works try swaddling her (I know you said you've already tried it) and then putting her right in the corner of her crib with her head in the corner and her back against the rail. That has worked wonders for lots of mothers I know. They also make triangular shaped blocks to prop babies on their sides for sleeping that she might like too.

She might also be cold too. I was always taught to dress my babies in one layer more than what I was wearing because their little bodies lose heat much more rapidly.

Good luck!

A.,

First, I think you're right--you can't spoil a baby and they do not cry just for the heck of it. Her crying shouldn't be a source of stress for you as it is normal behavior; however, my opinion is that it also should never be ignored. That is her way of communicating her needs, not simply her wants. 4-week-old babies do not yet have "wants" in the way big kids and adults do. Your quick responsiveness to her cries will, studies show, make her MORE independent later because she will be secure. Hence, you are correct to be suspicious of the Ferber method, which makes babies more INsecure (they appear more independent because they learn not to cry for their parents, but that is only because they have given up on the idea of your responding to their needs). Certainly, 4 weeks is **MUCH** too young for crying it out in any event, and I'd argue that there is never a good time to do this cruel thing to your child.

My daughter was the same way at your child's age. I found that napping her in a sling worked great. I could do everything I normally did, and we got to bond at the same time. (I liked the pouch style--I used a New Native--because there are no straps, rings, or clips involved. Just plop her in and you're done.) My daughter also needed movement to get to sleep, so I ended up bouncing on a yoga ball or walking around to get her to sleep, too. This phase did pass. At night, my daughter slept next to me, so the holding issue didn't come up. I would not trade those cuddles for anything in the world!

When you're in the thick of it, it seems like any given situation (like having to do a lot to get her to sleep) is just too hard to get through. But please remember that this, too, WILL pass. She won't be needing this when she's older, perhaps even by a few months! Just when we think we can't stand another day of a particular thing, they change. It's worth investing the energy now to make your bond with your daughter stronger and to make her a more secure little person.

You might check out Dr. Sears's Sleep Book, too--that helped me a lot.

Good luck,
J.

Ah, if babies would just sleep, life with children would be AWESOME!!!!! I bought a blanket called te Miracle Blanket from the Internet. It worked wonders to allow my daughter to sleep at that age. I also would wear a T-shirt the last feeding of my child's day and then tuck it into the crib when she went to sleep so that se could still have my smell. This also seemed to help.

I personally do not believe in the Ferber method. It is very harsh. I am a spec. ed teacher and I for early intervention and I have had parents who have met him. Their impression of him was that he had no bedside manner and did not acknowledge or look at their baby. I found the book "The Sleep Easy Solution" (check out sleepyplanet.com) was excellent and works with children from birth to 5-years old.

Go luck, go with your instincts, and remember you cannot spoil a baby under a year old!

When my baby was a newborn I didn't want to put him down during the day, and he always slept better when we held him. Same as you..we would put him down and he would wake up. I don't think you can spoil a newborn so we didn't stress about it. And he is almost 5 months old and he has gotten much better. We gradually got him used to sleeping on his own as he got older. I wouldn't worry about it to much now. And don't let her cry. She's too little for that. What I would try is swaddle her up tight, then get her sleeping while rocking or holding her, put some soothing music on for her and when sound asleep place her in crib, keep your hand on her for a few minutes, and gently rock her side to side or pat her if she stirs. If she cries you can pick her up and try again. Its frusterating at first but she will eventually sleep on her own. When she's older, say 3 months, I would try to put her in her crib while sleepy and get her a blanky or binky that she can associate with falling asleep so that she can soothe herself to sleep without you. That's what we are doing and its working great. He just starting rubbing his receiving blanket on his face and then he falls asleep.

Hi, A.. Congratulation on your beautiful little girl. I have a 4 mo. old who, it seems like your daughter, has a high need to be cuddled and be physically close. I believe each baby is different and needs to be treated as special...and not always as the "textbook" baby.

My biggest advice is "go with what seems right to YOU". I'm not a pragmatist or "fluffy" thinker, but I firmly believe that MOM knows what's best for her baby. Do some research and see the different parenting styles.

For night time, have you considered co-sleeping? It's not for everyone, but it ensured that I got proper sleep and helped my son to feel loved and close.

The Ferber method should only be don AFTER 5 months old. See askdrsears.com

I firmly believe (based on current research), if you meet your daughter's need for physical closeness as a baby she will be a lot more of a stable child and eventually adult than if you neglect her and let her "cry it out". Remember, you can't spoil a young baby.

Also, do you use a carrier? That might be the answer to allowing your hands to be free. Ring slings are a great way to keep baby close (even sleeping) and still be able to get some work done. Do a google search for ring slings.

God bless...and enjoy your new little treasure!

My first piece of advice is to hang in there -- even the fussiest babies do get over the colic eventually.

More practically, you said you'd tried swaddling, but I wonder whether the swaddle is tight enough if she can still kick. If the swaddle is really super tight and her arms are perfectly straight, she shouldn't be able to budge or get out of the swaddle. She'll probably be screaming about this, but once you get her tightly swaddled, try holding her (and bouncing, swaying, or whatever it takes) until she goes to sleep and then putting her in the crib when she is sound asleep and swaddled.

I see that others have recommended "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Check it out for the best swaddling method ever.

It also could be that she doesn't like her crib. My second son was fine in the crib, but my first felt lost in it for the first few months, and we let him sleep in his car seat (the infant kind that you can easily take out of the car). That was great because we could also carry it with us from room to room.

I personally think 4 weeks is too young to let a baby cry him or herself to sleep. I did use this method (Ferber) successfully with my older son once he was 6 months or so, but when they're so little that they don't even understand it's naptime, I think parents should respond whenever the baby cries.

My second son was really fussy and wanted to be held constantly, too. I found that using a sling around the house was a godsend -- he got to be carried, and I had my hands free. I actually own a business that sells slings. Contact me if you are interested -- I will give you a discount.

Hi A.. My 3rd baby did this same thing. I had a sling that kept her snuggled around my hip. She liked that but it wasn't very practical for getting housework done. Eventually I just started putting her in her swing. It's the only way she would sleep (even at night!) for months. Eventually you will figure out what will work for you & her.

Others have recommended Harvey karp's "Happiest Baby on the Block." Great book and will help you feel comfortable doing what you feel is right with your baby. Your DD has spent her entire existence secure, warm and next to your heart beat, she doesn't know you are still there keeping her safe when she's not being held. My DD was just like yours for a long time and I loved every minute of it (when it wasn't driving me totally insane, that is!!).

You CANNOT hold your baby too much. You didn't spoil her in some way to make her not be able to be put down. Some babies need more holding! I know this won't help you now as I remember the exhaustion and frustration well, but before you know it she will be a year and a half like mine. It really is a short time that she will need this.

We cosleep and had a cosleeper next to the bed. Eventually we used a sleep positioner which had an incline and 2 little arms that kept her in place. Worked for us but is not safe once they can roll. Also helpful if she does have reflux as the head is elevated. My DD did not like being swaddled but that works for a lot of babies. Are you using white noise and really slow transition to being put down? It was hit or miss with us.

Naps were in arms a lot for months with us. Do you have a sling? You can carry on with your day while she naps and it is so good for the babies.

As others have said Ferber or other training methods are not to be used in such a young baby. I personally would never use a CIO method. I just heard Dr. Bob Sears speaking and he talked of several studies that found excessive crying (except in the case of colic) is detrimental to brain development. Also, babies who are allowed to cry a lot in the first 6 months cry more in the second 6 months. This would apply to babies who are allowed to cry and are not being responded to. I think you can find the info on AskDrSears.com. Sometimes my baby just cried, I think that's normal. That doesn't mean you should ignore her. She may be crying because she wants to be held and there is nothing wrong with that. I know it can be unnerving but trust your instincts.

Did anyone mention Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution"-not sure how early her techniques will work but a lot of us have found them helpful.

Good luck and enjoy your precious baby!

Hi, A.. I am a mom of two, one 19 months and one 4 weeks, happy one month bday to your little one! My first and most important piece of advice is that you buy and read The Happiest Baby on the Blockbu Harvey Karp. His main theory is that for the first 3 months of life you should imitate the womb environment as much as possible for your baby. Laying flat on their back is as unlike the womb as you can get. So I would say go ahead and hold her! However by about three months you'll want her to be able to sleep in a crib. I have a couple of suggestions.
I brought a pack and play down to the main room of the house where I hang out most of the day. That way I could "crib train" them nearby during the day when I was more patient and less tired. Each time she falls asleep, try to put her in the crib with some white noise make sure she I'd tightly swaddled! At this point I Wouk have her completely asleep when you put her down. Again, at about 3 months you can start to worry about self soothing. Then when you start to build confidence and she starts to nap a bit go ahead and rock her to sleep at night and try putting her in the crib. If it doesnt work on a certain night and you're exhausted, hold her so you can sleep. Don't worry, just be consistent. The book will help immensely with the crying in general and it is very empowering when you see how well hisethpds work.
Trust your instincts, and try to enjoy the times she is sleeping in your arms! My 10-month-old won't do it anymore at all and sometimes I wish she would!! Good luck!!
R. d

Ferber method won't work with a one-month-old; I couldn't bear hearing my babies cry anyway. Slings and other baby carriers are lifesavers - I use the Moby wrap for newborns and when I want my child to be able to face out, and then the Ergo baby carrier for older babies (works as a front- and back carrier, which is really nice). I wrote my phd dissertation with my newborn daughter in the moby wrap. Your daughter will get used to being on her own more and more as she gets older, and if you make the change gradually it won't be so traumatic for her. The first month is always the hardest.

If you're willing to try it, I also recommend co-sleeping for getting more sleep at night and happier babies. My first daughter was what Dr Sears calls a high needs child, and I never would have survived the first year without cosleeping. My second baby is much more mellow and easy-going, so he sleeps in his crib most of the time. The wanting to be held to sleep seems to be temperamental more than anything else - my son (who sleeps mostly on his own) was held pretty much non-stop by relatives for the first six weeks of his life and if anything all the holding led to him being more secure sleeping on his own as an older baby (he's 4 months old now). I recommend Dr Sears' sleep issues advice - here's the site:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp
Good luck!

Hi A.,
You're right -- there's no such thing as holding a newborn too much, and at 4 weeks, it's not unusual for her to not be sleeping well. You have not done anything wrong to create this issue. I'm due in 5 weeks with my 7th, and we have certainly had our share of sleep issues. The best resource we've found is the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Your daughter is too young to begin real scheduled sleep training, and definitely too young to cry it out, but the book will let you know what is normal at every age, and the steps you can take to develop good sleep habits, including soothing herself to sleep. Trust your gut as far as the crying goes. There's fussing, hunger cries, "change me" cries, but then there's also distress cries where they will scream and draw their legs up and/or stiffen their body out, which can indicate colic, or intestinal issues. When I was desperate, and nothing else worked, I would put my babies in the swing (well-supported at your daughter's age), and see if they would fall asleep there -- not the ideal, but better that occasionally than going crazy from sleep deprivation! Also, if you think it may be intestinal, try propping her on her left side to sleep, instead of the traditional back sleeping -- just make sure she's propped enough that she doesn't roll onto her stomach. The best thing you can do though is get that book. We didn't get it until our 4th, but we've used it over and over since then. Good luck, and hang in there. It's never easy, but it does get a little easier. And don't be hard on yourself -- you're not supposed to have all the answers or do everything right. Heck, I've had 6, and I'm still learning! And just when I think I've got it all under control, a brand new mystery pops up. It's all part of the adventure! :)

Hi A.,

Sometimes new babies miss mom's heartbeat and warmth. It was nice and cozy where they came from and now it open and not quite as warm. If swaddling does not work, there are a couple of options. Baby Einstein cd playing softly in the crib; there is a crib toy that immenates the noises inside the womb (babies r us) and even cd's with the same noises. They are soothing and relaxing. She will get use to it. They do not develop habits until almost six months so you are not creating any problems at this point. During the day, you can use the baby sling to carry her in so she will be close. Use the crib at night and try to stick with it.

Lots of luck,

Mom to Joseph (5), Sarah (3) and Timothy (8 mo) :)

Dear A.,

I am a mother of two girls 11 and 14. When my youngest was a new baby we found she liked to be swaddled up tightly in her blanket and that's how we would put her to sleep.We would lay her swaddled up in the crib and then use another blanket to tuck her in so she was being "held by the blankets" I think we swaddled her until she was a year old ,in a less formal manner of course. That method really helped.

With my son, we found a tool at Babies R Us that you clip on the bed that imitates a vibrating bouncy seat. We would put that in his crib and he was none the wiser. We also let him sleep some nights in his swing, his carseat and his bouncy seat. Any place other than his crib, he seemed fine sleeping, so we used those as much as possible.

Good Luck

Hi A.,
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! I looked through other peoples responses and it looks like you have a lot of great suggestions.
I also was concerned whether she is crying when laying flat, or if you put her in a bouncy seat would she be ok. I was thinking about the ear infection possibility as well. You may want to take her to the pediatrician if you aren't sure.
I also agree that she is too young for Ferber. That is for when babies are older, if you agree with it. There is so much information now on skin to skin contact being very beneficial for babies. When babies are born, it is like the 4th trimester. When babies are close to their mom or Dad's skin, it helps them regulate their breathing, their heartbeat and their respirations. They also get into a deeper sleep which helps with their brain development. Bsbies that are held more, also cry less, research has shown. I went to a conference recently where the author of a book on kangaroo care talked about crying as not being beneficial to babies at all and may even be detrimental. She wrote an article on crying which I am reading now. It's very interesting. I would like to suggest a book called Sleeping with your baby: A parent's guide to cosleeping. It is written by James J McKenna. He has a PhD and I have also heard him speak at a conference. When I saw him a few years back, I said to him "you need to write a book" He has done a lot of research about mothers and babies in a sleep study center. I found his work very interesting. I also subscribe to a magazine called Mothering. They had several articles on sleep in one of their issues a while back. You may be able to look them up on line and call for a back issue or an email issue (Mothering.com)
Use your intuition, do some reading if you can, and enjoy your baby! Good Luck! M.

being in the tum was not warm enough .all babies love to be held. they adjust their body temp to your body. breathing pattern to your breathing pattern. heart rate to your heart rate. It is most amazing..Now take that all away & poof you have a baby that wakes when not held. 1 st you can warm the crib with a heating pad & then remove it when you put the baby in it. now we have warmth..... sleep with the sheet for a few nights .....now the baby will have your smell.....now for some noise....clock...heart beat...white noise...or something the baby can listen to besides your heart beat & breathing.. nature made your body for a reason...if you want to fake your baby out here are some examples on how to do that. but you know that your baby does not know that she is not a part of you until she is about 4 months old.....good luck...all babies are different..I could never let my babies cry it out either. they are happy healthy young men now. very independent & well adjusted too. Kathy CLC

I had this same problem with my son when he was a baby. We found that if we held him while he was swaddled and had a blanket between him and us and laid him down with that some blanket it helped. It was the fact that he was going from our body heat to the cold bassinet and keeping that warm blanket until his body had warmed the bassinet helped. We also found that having something of mine and my husband's in the bassinet helped as well. The smell of us seemed to comfort him. Good luck!

I had the same problem with my first child. I would highly recommend the book "Good Night Sleep Tight" by The Sleep Lady. It's excellent, and is a much more humane approach than the Ferber method. Good luck!

your baby is soooo young. it's important for her to get as much contact with you as possible, babies crave the contact, warmth and the secure feeling. there's no such thing as holding a baby too much.
my son is almost 9 months and still hasn't slept in a crib but i agree with swaddling, that gives the child a warm secure feeling while sleeping and also is helpful in keeping their arms close to their bodies so that they don't wake themselves up by flailing around.
youre doing a great job. go with your instincts. regardless of you being a first time mama..you know whats right for your little girl!!!

Hi A.,
First of all, Congratulations on your baby girl! A very precious gift! I see you have lots of advice so I will keep this short....I held my babies lots and lots when they were tiny and I don't regret it one bit. I personally don't believe in letting them cry it out - at any age...but that is my personal belief. I just wanted to let you know of another little trick - I used it on both of my children. We have a "mama bear" that has a sound device inside the bear that sounds like the heartbeat inside the womb. Put it inside her bed and turn it on! My 2 year old still loves it! I believe you can find the bear at Wal mart and Target. Just a thought!
Good Luck and don't ever feel guilty for holding your baby too long....they are only that little once!
God Bless,
~M.

Congratulations on your new baby. No, you are right, you cannot spoil a baby that age. As for the sleeping, your child is way too young for Ferber, the book itself will tell you that. Many well meaning folks will foist that on you. Read it and you can quote it back to them. Trust your instincts. Your baby just came out of a tight, warm, comforting womb. Being held feels like that. I would say your baby still needs a swaddle and you will find that will mimic it. Mine was the same. We then graduated to sleep sacks, but the swaddle will help with the reflex that startles them when they can lift the arms. So, try a swaddle, including the arms, hold her then put her down to sleep on her back, swaddled snugly. We had a white noise machine that sounded like the ocean. We used a sling to wear the baby. And, we had the ocean swing, which they would fall asleep in, so we got the crib attachment for the crib, and the ocean setting on both reinforced it for the transition. When they were that little, I thought maybe God kept me up with them all the time because they would grow up so fast, he didn't want me to miss a minute more than I had to. Anyway, this helped both my sons.
Good luck.

I always swaddled my children fairly tightly. They resisted at first while I was swaddling them, then they would always drift off to sleep. Without the blanket or you holding them tight their body makes jerking movements and startles them.

Hi A. - My daughter (who is now six) was exactly the same way. I tried to get her to sleep in the crib by herself. She was the same as your baby - wanted to be held and snuggled when sleeping.
The best piece of advice I got I am sharing with you now. Just love your baby - respond to what she is telling you she needs right now. You cannot spoil her. If she wants to be held, hold her. Remember, she spent nine months hearing your heart beat, sleeping in your tummy all nice and warm and safe - no crib can compare to that. This period of time seems long - but it really is short and when it is over, you can't get it back. Enjoy this time, cuddling with a newborn because all too soon she will be crawling and walking and running and you will miss the time when you were able to cradle her in your arms for hours.

Also, I know like all moms, you probably have a a to-do list a mile long. Remember that helping your baby feel loved and safe and secure is the most important job you can do. The laundry can wait.

This advice was told to me by a sixty year old woman with three grown children. She said, "Looking back, I never regret the time spent holding them, loving them. The time passes in the blink of an eye. I regret all the times they wanted to be held and I said I was too busy."

Enjoy your daughter. You are blessed.

T.

Have you tried a bassinet, she may need somthing smaller to feel secure. My younget son would not sleep in a crib until he out-grew the bassinet.

Hi there,

My first thought is: is she snuggly swaddled when you lie her down in her crib? Little ones crave that feeling of being cocooned and held and warmth. Thats the first thing I would do is try to swaddle her while she is being held and then put her down still swaddled.

Also, I remember wondering when crying meant something bad. I wondered about it until my daughter finally cried because she was in pain and you instantly know the difference. If she is fed, changed, swaddled and all seems well, I think that maybe extending the time between when she starts to cry and when you normally head in to check on her by a small amount (what you can deal with) and see if she begins to self soothe and fall asleep on her own.

Hope it helps and good luck!
M.

When my daughter was this age till about 6 months and occasionally afterwards, our vibrating baby swing worked miracles. When all else failed and it was simply impractical or impossible to hold her for a while, the swing always, always worked! They are a little expensive, but for us it was SO worth the investment. Good luck to you!

My third son is almost 5 months old, and he was my first that had to be held non-stop for the first 2 months, I'd say. I always thought people who said they had to hold their babies so they would sleep were just not trying hard enough, because my first two did not need to be held, but #3 made me eat crow - for the six millionth time since I became a mom. All I can say - in my case - is that it was a phase, and we spent about 8 weeks sleeping holding him. Not fun, but eventually we transitioned him to the cosleeper, and he's been a great sleeper since. So just be patient, and know that you won't have to hold her forever - she'll figure out that spreading out in her own bed is much more comfortable.

She is healthy and developmentally normal, and she's telling you something very important. Babies are evolutionarily designed NOT to sleep alone.

Try taking her into bed with you at night, and 'carrying her down' in a sling during the day. Once she really passes out in the sling you can lay her down in her crib.

Babies who sleep with their parents with safe and reasonable guidelines (no alcohol, no gross obesity, no many fluffy bedcovers) have a lower risk of SIDS than their crib-sleeping peers.