I have a new problem and thought immediately of my Mamasource gals! My 9.5 month old daughter has developed separation anxiety over the past week or so, after her first big illness and some traveling. Unfortunately, I work full time, and leave the house at 6:15 before she wakes up at 7am. I also nurse her in the early morning before I leave (around 4:30 or 5). Lately, she's been waking up inconsolable (according to my husband and sister, her daytime caregivers) and my gut tells me that she's freaking out that I'm not there in the morning when she wakes up. My question is this: should I wake her up fully before I go so she can see me leave/say goodbye? Would that be more reassuring? Or do you think it's more important that she sticks to her sleep routine and gets the sleep? There's so much going on at this age anyway with the sleeping and the crawling and the teething that I'm wondering what's worked for you all at this difficult stage.
I definitely wouldn't fully wake her from her sleep. Give it some time. It could be many things all at once.
First off, know that this phase will pass (eventually) and then re-surface again (oh, great, right?). I am a mom who leaves for work at 6am, too, but my daughter's separation anxiety never manifested itself in the mornings (or maybe my husband was kind enough not to tell me...)though she did go through it at bedtime. With my work schedule, I was home in the afternoons with her, so it wasn't like she never saw me, but the bedtime tears were rough...one thing that helped, although it may sound weird, was that we took down a picture that hung over her crib and replaced it with a photo of my daughter with her dad & me. You could try leaving a little photo album or something with her. I think, though, that if you wake her fully, she'll just be more upset when you do leave for work, which will be harder on both of you. When I would leave my daughter's room at bedtime during this phase, I would always wait until she was really drowsy and almost asleep, and even then if she woke up and saw I was gone, she'd be in tears again. Good luck!
Hi S.,
I provide childcare for infants - 2 years old in my home and have done so for years. I have found it worse for baby if baby has to watch mom turn around and walk out that door leaving him/her behind. I usually distract my infants after a BRIEF goodbye from mom or dad and they seem to handle it much better that way. What ever you decide to do, just keep in mind "This too shall pass" and no that it is perfectly normal for this age group and even some older. The less fuss made about it the sooner baby tends to adjust.
I think you should stick to your schedule as it is. Let her sleep, every child goes through this (well at least all 3 of my daughters did when I had to leave them with the daycare). I think it is excellent that your sister is the nanny, and I am sure she gets plenty of closeness from her to get her through the day. Your daughter will still "freak out" when you leave if you wake her, only thing is you have to deal with her crying and begging you not to leave her (in her own little way, like calling for you and such)and that is much more heartbreaking and harder on you emotionally.
For starters....you shouldn't be nursing her at almost 10 months old at 4-5am in the morning. She should be sleeping through the night and wake at 6:30-7am for a regular breakfast of cereal or something.
No I wouldnt disturb her schedule. But could you change yours? Perhaps go into work a bit later? But you do realize if you go in later and she is awake to say goodbye that she is still going to cry? The only difference is that you will be able to witness the drama. I would keep things as consistent as possible and hope that this normal stage will pass quickly.
Au contraire Jaime below. You can nurse a baby for as long as you like and at whatever time of day or night that you like. I agree that a 10month old should be sleeping thru the night and eating in the morning. BUT, what a baby SHOULD do and what a baby DOES arent always the same. My son is almost 2 and he wakes for a bottle around 4AM. Thats a whole other post tho.
Let her sleep. Separation anxiety will pass. But an overly tired baby will not and that can make baby, mom and caregiver cranky.
Hi S.,
I am a first time mom who practiced attached parenting with my two year old. I to went through the seperation anxiety with my daughter when I had to return to work. Your instincts are dead on. I started doing what you are doing now, I would nurse her, put her to sleep, then leave, and my mom would have to soother her when she woke. If you leave her awake after nursing and use the rest of that time to bond with her, she may adjust better. You may want to try leaving her up and let her know you are leaving(since it's only an hour between feeding and your departure), that will assure her you will be coming back, as oppose to her waking up and not seeing you at all. My daughter still cried when I left, until she got it, that mommie was coming back. Also the adjustment in her sleep schedule shouldn't hurt to bad. Once you leave, to soother her, your daycare provider may want to get her down for another nap, that will give her additional down time, just not during the time she's sleeping now. Keep in mind there is no perfect way to parent a child, you have been given alot of advice, on this site. Just try what fits YOU AND YOUR BABY. Leaving your child up, putting them to sleep, saying good bye or not, it's up to you. I would suggest you go with YOUR instinct. Attached parenting is a life style decision and some traditional methods, I've found doesn't work well with this style of parenting for ME and MY child. Like at daycare, I say bye to her and then leave not just drop her off and sneak out. That just didn't work for US. I found it built her confidence and trust in me that I was coming back. Be blessed on your attempts it will all work out and she will be fine
Wake her up?! Then she'll be cranky from sleep interruption AND missing you. With babies, sleep trumps MANY things...if it were me, I'd let her sleep and learn to deal with the separation anxiety. She will eventually become more independent and get used to her routine. Once the anxiety is over, there'll be something else that bugs her. May as well let her get all the sleep she can now :-)
Hi S.,
La Leche League of Tidewater may have the information and support that you need. Their telephone number is ###-###-#### or 1-800-525-3243.
The Resource Mothers program. I don't know where you live but Norfolk at ###-###-####
or Virginia Beach at ###-###-#### Ext. 336
I would not wake the child up since you feed her at 5:00 a.m.
Good luck. I hope this helps. D.
The nursing is not the problem. My son was breastfed and he was waking up to nurse at 4-5am at 10 months, this is pefectly normal. He stopped waking up at this time by about 12-14 months. 9 months is right on time for separation anxiety to kick in, I don't think that it would be helpful to change what you are doing, I do think that if you woke her up completely that the screaming would just be at 5 am instead of at 7 am, and she would keep screaming even after you left. I am sure you husband would not think that was a change for the better. I like the idea about pictures. Maybe find a book/article on separation anxiety and share it with your husband and sister so they can have some tips about what to say to her when she wakes up. Hang in there.
Dear S.,
It is always tough when you know your little one is upset because they are missing you. I think however it will be just as bad if she is awake when you leave, and also if you are rousing her to feed her at 5am, she is not ready to get up at that time and will be tired and cranky on top of everything else.
Make a big fuss of her when you get home and she will eventually get it that you always come back each day and I bet she is having a wonderful time with her aunt while you are away.
Best wishes,
L. P
