Guilt over Son's Premature Birth

Oh no L.! What a terrible thing to feel. Probably not that unusual though.

My second son was born at 25 weeks, he was 1lb, 11oz.

I have placenta previa and was on 'bed rest'. I bled through the entire pregnancy, was admitted several times given meds and fluids and hung upside down by my ankles.

Thing is I also had a VERY active 18 month old boy, and a generally disinterested husband, so my 'bed rest' did not always work out that way. I mean I wasn't out cutting the grass and heaving heavy boxes around, but I really just could NOT lie down and stay there for 9 months.

My little fella was in the NICU for 3 months, came home on his due date. He is now 16 and has had no developmental problems or medical issues whatsoever. (well he does have mild asthma which runs in the family, wears glasses for nearsightedness, and is only 5 foot 5)

There is no looking back L., you will do him justice throughout out his entire life. I really hope the guilts will pass in time. I know I felt a little like Mary with this very special little child and an even MORE massive sense of responsibility for him then a regular baby.

You WILL get through it, you will find the strength!

You did nothing wrong. The problem got missed, it happens, what is important is how you mother him from this point on. We all feel guilt as mothers, we feel we have failed in some way, but it is rarely the truth, we just love our children so much we think we should be perfect all the time, that we should know everything, and never miss a thing, but we are not perfect and all knowing, we are human. Loving human mothers.

Let it go L.!

I honestly think you did what I would have done. You went to the Dr. And the midwife...you had tests run...you did everything you were supposed to do!

Please don't beat yourself up about this anymore...your baby is here and fine...you will do no good worrying about what could have, should have been.

Everything is OK.

Karma

You have a healthy baby. You did the best you could with the information you had. There's no use dwelling on the past, only on the future and it sounds like your little one has a bright one ahead!

You called your doctor/midwife who said go to the hospital. They did a test and sait it was urine. Your midwife agreed....how were you to know differently?

You can't change what happened...guilt will do nothing for you but drive you crazy. Love your baby and be the best mom you can be. That is what he needs now. Be vigilant about his needs and addressing any learning disabilities (if they arise) but stop beating yourself up.

L.,
Please stop torturing yourself! Look at it this way...is this helping your son? Children are very perceptive and if you are feeling guilt and anguish, your boy could pick up on it and that could effect him more adversely than premature birth ever could. What's past is past, please give yourself the gift of forgiveness and move forward.
FYI, I myself was born at 28 weeks, 3 pounds, five ounces. (And this was 1974! Imagine that!) My survival was touch and go, I too was in the NICU, but guess what? I was always in advanced classes in school, loved to read, and now have a doctorate and a great job. So those statistics about learning disabilities are just that, statistics. Keep in mind that a large number of preemies are born to very young mothers, mothers with drug problems, and other mothers whose babies are basically set up for learning disabilities that would be due to these confounding factors, not just being premature.
Please forgive yourself, and make sure to read a lot to your new baby! Congratulations!

Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but it's possible that by the fern test being negative, and you leaking for all that time, you actually extended the time he was in the womb- which is good. It's possible that had the fern test come back positive, you would've been admitted to the hospital and possibly delivered him sooner than you did. You never really know with these things. Either way, he was coming early! There really is nothing you could've done differently. Have you talked to both your midwife and ob/gyn about what you could've done differently? I bet both would say "absolutely nothing." Mother-guilt can be quite unrelenting, but don't take it on. Know also that you're very emotional and hormonal because of having just given birth three months ago. Also, the shock of delivering much earlier than you planned on is something to factor into your adjustment as well. Google "Solace" for mothers recovering from traumatic births and see if it doesn't help you to post your story there. I love that website. God bless you! Enjoy your baby!

I honestly think you're being to hard on yourself. Let go of the guilt and grab onto your son and love, love, love him!! My son was born with birth defects. I played the blame game with myself also. you have only failed him if you continue to let this drag you down. if you feel you need to make something up to him, then do it by being the best mama you can!

You did what you knew to do, end of story. If you focus on beating yourself up about this then what are you not focusing on that could be beneficial to what is going on in the here and now?
I have no regrets, regrets are decisions I have not yet leared from.
Ponder about what you have learned and focus it to better yourself and your child.

Oh girl, this is so not your fault!!! Even if they did know this was amniotic fluid, there is no way to know if they could have/would have done anything different. Women have premies everyday for no obvious reason. It is so easy to second guess yourself, especially post-partum. Your son is healthy, he his here, and you should relax and enjoy him. If you keep focusing on this and letting it get you down, it will interfere with your enjoyment and interaction with him. Enjoy him and eat up every moment.

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this is more on your doc than you. and the midwife also. how were you supposed to know it was your first kid and they were your lifeline so to speak. the only reason I knew my water had broke was I had just went to pee and stood up and got a gush. they had to break my water with my first so I had no clue. it is only your fault if you knew and ignored it. you did what you were supposed to do they didn't. and my first did sit on my bladder so I had leaking like you did too. how can it be your fault if you didnt know any better.

premies having disabilities is hit and miss some do some dont. so dont give up all hope and beat yourself up over it. even full term kids can have disabilities. I was 40 when I had my second and my age could have made him have disabilities but I got lucky. Every time I see a downs kid I know that could have been mine and pay more attention to them. my oldest son and oldest step kids have learning disabilities and neither were born early. so take a step back and take one day at a time and deal with things as they arise. why worry till you know. worrying isn't going to change anything and feeling guilty aint going to change it either. life goes on keep your head up and be proud your a good mama.

oh sweetie this is in NO way your fault! how could you have known? you did your part by going to the professionals and they're the ones who didn't do everything they could. thank God, your precious son sounds like he's doing fine. just learn from this, question doctors more, and move on. you should celebrate -- this is a happy ending to a possibly bad story. seriously! count your blessings :)

Honey you did all you could....you did what the doctors told you...went to the ER when they said, and the test was negative. Something must have been meant to be for your little guy to be here early. Midwife and Doctor both seem to have agreed that you couldn't have known. Everything will work out the way it was supposed to for you and your son.

You are not an idiot! Just for being concerned shows you are a wonderful mommy stop doubting your self!!! (((HUG)))

How is this your fault? Really you could not have known this would happen. It sounds like your son is doing good so stop worrying about something you couldn't have controlled.

Oh goodness gracious how would you know? We simply have no control over so many thing in life. At any rate on the up side I am a preemie myself, two months early and now in my fifties, graduated college, paralegal school, acting schools, had children, laugh a lot and love my husband. Life will be fine for the little and stop feeling guilty. You did what you could. Hug baby for me.

You haven't failed him, you did nothing wrong, you did everything you could, you questioned the doctor, had the test done, most people would have done the same thing in your shoes. As far as your son being behind, he will most likely be caught up by age 2. My son was born at 30 weeks and is now 2.5 years old and you would never know (physically or mentally) that he was a preemie. Because he was behind initially we had sooner start (a free Oklahoma agency that helps kids that are 'at risk' for developmental delays) come out from 3 months to 10 months when they said he had caught up. I know some twins that used them much longer. Its a great group that can show you ways to help your little one but more importantly it helped me feel like i was doing something good for him.

Try and put it behind you, yes that was a traumatic experience for both of you but think of all the good positive one that have happened since then and that will happen in the future.

Oh honey, you are being awful hard on yourself!! I know the feeling, I do it too. It's like no one or nothing can make you feel worse than you're making yourself feel, so in a weird way you keep beating yourself up so you can feel some sort of redemption. I have to tell you, the guilt you are feeling, while totally normal, is not going to help you or your son at all. But I understand why you are feeling it. It's like your body failed you - with the negative test that really wasn't negative, the ongoing leaking that you think you should have picked up on, the premature birth.

All of this being said, if I had been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing: sought medical treatment and trusted them when they said it was okay. High leaks are tough to detect, I know women who have had them and not known at first. This is NOT your fault. I also know many babies born early, much earlier than your son, who have gone on to be just fine. Full term deliveries don't guarantee a child will not have learning issues or the like, just as preemies don't always have issues. Try to think positive, it WILL be okay.

Motherhood is tough stuff and it doesn't get easy, ever! Especially with your first. You have NOT failed your son. I think you are so wrapped up with guilt and sadness that you can't see that. Birthing under an emergency situation is traumatic and not what we envision while pregnant; you might want to seek therapy just to discuss these feelings and try to get strategies for overcoming them. I am currently in a similar situation but for a much different reason, and I have already learned that I have to forgive myself for decisions made, things that have happened, and the feelings of guilt and anxiety I have that are doing NOTHING but hurting me and making things so much worse. It is a long road but you can do it. Know that guilt and regret are useless emotions - it's how we deal with them and move forward that matter most. Hang in there and good luck - I'm sure you are a fabulous mom.

You went to the hospital, to the OB, asked the midwife....and they all kept telling you it was urine. You didn't do anything wrong.

I am blessed that I have never had to deal with a child in the NICU, but I have supported friends through such times. All of the preemies I know (one MUCH earlier than yours) are fine now. That one REALLY early one is actually in kindergarten at age 4-ish after preschool being too easy (both socially and academically) and the teachers are STILL trying to move him up.

Let it go.. It was your first pregnancy? Even if you had previous.. they are all different.

My water broke 3 weeks early and I was in total denial. I spoke with my doctor and kept telling them that I wasn't due yet, that, I had not had any contractions and I had to finish my work. I had just gotten back from Market and had lots of Christmas orders to finish.. I argued so much about being in labor, they told me if I did not get to the hospital in an hour, they were going to call an ambulance!

Thank goodness, I had not totally unpacked from the business trip, but we forgot stuff for my husband, the baby seat, I had to run with a towel between my legs to get me neighbor and tell her to watch and feed out cat.. I felt Like Lucy Ricardo I was such a mess..

I think your doctors are the ones who should feel guity and not you. How were you to know that it was not urine? I agree with the posters who say that you did get to keep that baby inside longer b/c of it. Things all do happen for a reason.

L., the only way you could know if it wasn't urine is if it was green fluid and that means meconium in the amniotic fluid. I know this cause I started leaking close to my due date, and I thought it was urine, but it was green. I remembered from my childbirth classes and some reading that the color could be a sign of that. Otherwise, the fluid is clear, so you can't tell!

Please don't blame yourself. You did your best, the high leak kept a lot of fluid in there for a long time. The professionals didn't figure it out, so you can't expect more from someone who's not trained (you).

Get counseling to help you past this if you need to because you don't want the guilt to get in the way of your mommying. take care!

It's not your fault, It's not your fault, It's not your fault. . . .now promise to say that to yourself everyday for as long as it takes for you to believe it because it is TRUE! Sometimes things just happen, there is not always a reason. Don't waste this precious time with your son feeling guilty. You are a loving, caring mom L., you are not a failure. If you can't get past this, get some outside help to help you move on. I wish you the best.

No your not an idiot you did the right thing & was told it was urine leaking.There are all sorts of crazy things that aren't our faults but we do blame ourselves because it happened when we didn't want it to happen at all.I had this happen to me with all 3 of my pregnancies I carried them all high then low the last trimester my undies would get wet more than usual & had no smell of urine I did the pad tests all pointed that they were in deed wet & needed to seek evaluation,my 2nd pregnancy it was the end to 2nd trimester I remember picking up my son over a safety gate at my sis's then before I let him down a big gush of fluid I immediately went to the batroom I was wet really wet so I told my sis I was headed to the hospital my water may have broke prematurely it wasn't I leaked so much urine this happened so many times it was driving my hubby crazy to the point I never told him that I was getting to be evaluated I just went seen what they had to say & that was that.This is the most common complaint of caring a child how do you when it is amniotic fluid well if there is blody liquid the smell which there really isn't any slow trickle or gush leaking urine has the same symptoms but I began to take a closer look & smell of every time leaked.The fern test was accurate for me all 3 of my babies were born at around their due dates.

You can walk around feeling sorry for yourself knowing that all you did was good enough or go on & forgive yourself your son LOVES you you are his mommy give him the best life you can be HAPPY not so many are lucky to have successful premature pregnancies,have babies or able to carry a human life.

L.,

You made the best decisions you could based on the information both your OB and your midwife gave you. You didn't question more because bladder issues are common with pregnancies and your tests came back negative. The fact that your OB backed your midwife's diagnosis says a lot...that you have a great midwife and a very honest OB. If the pros missed it, how can you expect yourself to do better?

Instead of looking at your baby's 4 weeks in NICU as "lost" time, try seeing it as "life-giving" time. Think about it...if your baby had been born 100 years ago he would have died for lack of an NICU. He didn't "lose" four weeks; he gained a life!

Time to let it all go and chalk it up to experience. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint. If you're beating yourself up now after 12 weeks for something you had no control over, what are you going to do when you hit the normal bumps in the mommy road? Feel guilt over every raised voice, every mistake, every "Gosh, I wish I handled that better" moment? A little guilt can make us better parents. Beating ourselves up until we become quivering masses of guilt-ridden pudding parents is NOT a good idea.

Your son deserves a mom who can learn from her life's experiences and move on. I'd encourage you to master this skill soon because you'll need to teach it to your son. Do you want him to be this guilt ridden over something he has no control over? Make sure your ACTIONS teach the lessons you want him to know. Words are meaningless beside everyday actions.

Good luck!

Dear L.,

I don't believe that any other mom will think you did anything wrong, but I can understand why you feel guilty yourself. My second child (Layla) was born 8 weeks early and was in the NICU for a while herself. I have never been through a more tramatic time in my life then when she was taken away on life support to different hospital and I carried alot of guilt for what she went through. I am happy to tell you that 6 years later, you would NEVER guess she was a premie, she runs and plays - no breathing problems, even though her lungs were underdeveloped, she is at the top of her class and always bright and caring - I say that to encourage you, that not all premies have problems later in life. Diabilities are a flip of the coin and can happen to premature or full term children and I don't. The simple act of worrying whether you did the right thing or not, makes you a great mom - i think all good moms wonder and worry, if you didn't worry, you wouldn't care... Your child is alive and well, Rejoice - don't dwell.. and congrats

i was leaking the same way and no one would do anything til i seen the last ob dr and she induced me i was at 34 weeks but my son was weighing and measuring in at 41 weeks

First I feel so bad that you have been beating yourself up about this. I too have had two premature births so I understand what you are thinking, both my girls, one 3 years old and the other 15 mos old are both VERY smart and my 3 year old is in preschool and already knows how to write some letters and numbers. Second, you did nothing wrong, you went to the ER and had your midwife check you out, you just followed orders, you are suppose to trust them, they are the experts. I was let down also when I went in to get checked at 33 weeks and they sent me home, 4 days later I had my baby girl, I was so upset at them that they didn't put me on bed rest then, I was mad at myself for not listening to my body and putting myself on bed rest. Everything happens the way it was suppose to, trust knowing that. I am sure you precious baby will be just as smart as the rest of his class in life. Give yourself grace, this will not be the last mistake or last time you feel you failed him, we have a lifetime of these times to come, we all just do the best we can for our kids. You did nothing wrong. God Bless you!

Honestly, this could be me writing this story!
I was "leaking" for a few weeks but remembered my friend telling me that it was normal to lose control of your bladder when you're pregnant, in fact she was asking me weeks before it started if it had happened yet. So i didn't even question it! I even did the "squeezing" like you did to try to empty my bladder so i wouldn't leak! Then i started getting more worried about things because i wasn't feeling well the week before Christmas - went my OB (several times actually) and every time she said i was fine. Christmas Eve she sent me for "steroid" shots at the hospital ("just incase" but still said things were fine!) and on Christmas Eve night the contractions started. On Christmas i went for my second shot and told them about the contractions and they barely checked me out but said i was fine. Had a HUGE gush of fluid on Christmas but i still thought, "wow I'm really losing control of my bladder!" and was so embarrased! I also got a HUGE fever Christmas night and don't remember much of that night... the next morning my husband rushed me to a different hospital because i couldn't stop trembling & vomiting. My twins were born at 27 weeks gestation the day after Christmas after this had been going on for weeks! I felt the SAME WAY! So guilty! I felt like i should have been more aggresive with the doctors and realized somethings was wrong sooner!
In reality, there's nothing we can do about it now! Just be thankful our babies got to "cook" as long as they did! And that they are alive and healthy! My babies are 9.5 months old now and doing so great. They were in the hospital for over 2 months (i was in there with them for 2 weeks because my infection was so bad). I know its easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up! Try to just enjoy every second!
Feel free to message me if you need to chat or vent!

Let it go ~ and focus on that precious little bundle of joy you can hold in your arms!
You are not a doctor and sounds like this was your first pregnancy with no experience of losing amniotic fluid. You are not at fault.
Parenting is a life-time of trial and error :) this is not the last time things in your little ones life that may not go perfectly as planned.
You may also want to talk to your doc about post-partum. You're holding onto guilt over something you had no control over.
You're in my prayers!

I think any time anything happens like this, we second guess ourselves.

You trusted in the medical professionals, whose job it is to know and test and follow up. Your OB should've had you come in the next day to be double-checked, and that is not your fault. Many of us were raised to just trust the doc and not question, and not be positive participants in our own health care.... that is slowly changing, but only slowly.

If you continue to struggle with this, please do go and talk to someone who can help you: a pastor or other good listener, or a counselor. Guilt like this can eat you up if you can't learn to let it go on your own. :(

If it makes you feel any better, my niece was born under almost similar circumstances, and is now a happy healthy 17yo. Her mom started leaking at 4 months, and the doc didn't catch it for a month (he thought it was urine). Once they knew, my SIL was put on bed rest for 6 weeks, and the baby was born 6 weeks early, septicemic. They told my SIL and brother that it was very likely that she would die, but that if she made it through 24 hours, she had a chance..... Like I said, she is now a beautiful, happy 17yo.

Hi L.,
What I honestly think is that you really have no reason to feel guilt, because you did nothing wrong. You got prenatal care and you listened to your midwife, and the midwife made an honest mistake. As moms, we do tend to feel "guilt" for a lot of things that logically we have no reason to. I felt so sad when I read that you feel you have "failed" your son. I have been a mom for a while now (my oldest is 19 years old) and it has taken me probably 15 years of parenting before starting to realize that I had been doing that too. I have found that a better word to describe what I feel as a mom for things that go wrong with my children is "regret" rather than "guilt". Like you could say that you regret that you or your midwife didn't recognize your amniotic leak, because maybe if it had been caught earlier you might have been able to carry your pregnancy longer, but that doesn't really imply you are at fault for something going wrong the way that the word "guilt" seems to imply. As you raise your son, you will unfortunately be human like all of us, and like all moms you will mess up sometimes, but I hope you will not see that as "failing him". You won't do everything perfectly. When my first child was born, I really read all the books and tried to do everything "perfect", but since each kid is so different, there is absolutely no way not to look back and think "wow, if only I had known then what I know now, I would have done this or that differently". My own biggest regret, is that I think that a flu shot during my pregnancy, along with all the infant vaccinations, may have caused my son to develop autism. For a LLLOOONNNGGG time I felt guilty for that, but after a few years I have realized that I was doing what the doctor told me to do, I had no idea that there were such risks involved, and that I was doing what I thought was best for his health and what medical advice said was best. I really regret that I didn't know at the time that he had an elevated risk of autism (strong maternal family history of depression, an older sibling w/ ADHD, a father who we later realized is on the high-functioning end of the spectrum of Asperger's Syndrome). I wish I would have made a different decision about the vaccines for my son, but for the last year or so, I have been able to let go of the "guilt", knowing that I didn't do anything wrong, and that I did the best I could with the information I had available to me at the time. I only share this with you to try to help you be a little easier on yourself as a new mom. Every mom in the world can probably give you dozens of stories of their own, I know I have many, and I bet your own mom and grandmothers could tell you a lot too. You are going to be a wonderful mother I am sure, just based on what you have written here it is clear that you are loving and devoted to your son's well-being.
Best wishes to you,
A.

Totally not your fault!! I honestly think it was an accident and I can relate. I leaked so much with my second and I really thought it might be amniotic fluid and I too was told it was urine, but it was scary. At one point they thought my fluid might be low, but it turned out ok, but you know just like you I just listened to medical advice, I mean what else could I do? Plus sometimes you can leak and then the bag can reseal you know? I am so sorry for your traumatic experience. It sounds like your little one came through just great though. Just forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. We all make the best decisions we can for ourselves and our kids. I am so glad you and your little one are home and all is well. Don't worry on the learning disability aspect and if you can, do yourself a big favor and just enjoy your son and don't look for any signs of things. You have not failed him at all!! Hang in there and just know that you will heal from this really hard thing you went through and you now have your son for the rest of your life. Congrats on your new baby boy!

Hindsight is 20/20. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. You were seen by more than one medical care provider and they did not catch the problem. How would you know to second guess them? No matter how much you read on pregnancy if this is your first child you don't know exactly what it is going to be like or what to expect until it happens. Also, I'm not sure what anyone could have done once the amniotic sack was broken. Once my water broke (I was full term) I was given about 12 hours to start labor then it was a choice of induction or c-section (they want the baby out within 24 hours due to risk of infection). After getting the contractions going with induction I still ended up with an emergency c-section because the cord was around the baby's neck. Childbirth is risky for the mother and the baby and even modern medicine can't remove all the risks.

I had 2 babies and both spent some time in the NICU but are now pretty typical healthy kids. Having a baby in the NICU is a scary, stressful way to start out as a parent! My babies were both full term but my older one severely aspirated meuconium and was on a respirator for 10 days. At first we didn't know what would happen or if there would be long term effects. On top of that he was moved to a different hospital and I could not even see him for 4 days. Sometimes you get dealt a lousy hand in the labor and delivery process. I had a rough time twice (what are the odds?). My second baby was pretty much fine except a breathing issue that they finally found was a smaller than normal opening between the nose and throat. But with all the NICU drama my c-section got infected and I ended up back in the hospital for 10 days.

I think everyone has things they wish they had done different as a parent. I agonized over the NICU getting in the way of brestfeeding, which was very important to me. After putting a lot of time and energy into pumping I still never got either baby to exclusively breastfeed. On the other hand they each got some breastmilk every day for several months. Under the circumstances I'm counting that as a victory.

You can still be a very good mom once you get past the rough start. Please ditch the guilt--for your own mental health and your son's well being. Put that energy into being the best mom you can for him in the present. Moms get a ton of guilt thrown at us and a lot of it is over things we have little or no control over. If you are really having a hard time doing that on your own, look for a counselor or support group. Maybe the hospital has a group for NICU parents or new moms. I believe there are also premie support groups online. Yes, you may need to watch him closely for the first few months and make sure no medical problems come up. If he needs services to "catch up" in some areas, then you can get him whatever services he needs when the time comes. If you are doing your best as a mother now with whatever situation and child you have then in my book you are a "good mom." You can't change the past so try moving forward and doing your best in the present. I'm sorry it has been such a struggle for you so far. I know I felt like most of my friends with uncomplicated births did not understand about the NICU and everything I was going through at that time. It's hard adjusting to being a new mom; it's even harder when there are difficulties right at the beginning.

L. hon, you have to STOP beating yourself up over this. You did indeed ask all the right questions and even tried to protect yourself from peeing your pants again. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You did not fail your little guy. If he survived the NICU with your love and support, and is already doing fine at 3 mos. now he's going to continue to thrive and grow strong. And you'll get to grow through a lot from here on out.

Try to stop in your thoughts of failure when they pop up and replace them with thoughts of what you will and can do now for him and for yourself.

Even by taking the time to write this post and educate other mama's out here, s/o is bound to learn from your experience. I really hope your midwife and OB learned from this experience with you. Mother's do know best in many ways and your story is one for the record.

Keep your thoughts in the present, in the now, right here with your new baby. Congratulations!

L. ~
I'm an OB nurse and have seen this. It's NOT YOUR FAULT :)
It does happen sometimes that someone will have a high leak...sometimes we do the fern and it turns out negative. We do usally tell patients if it gets worse to come back. We'd always rather keep checking than to miss it. But sometimes it's just hard when it's just a little leak and not a big gush. The baby continues to make more amniotic fluid, so even an ultrasound when it first happened probably wouldn't have shown anything. And there sometimes are issues with the baby kicking the bladder and causing leaking or just some bladder issues during pregnancy, so that's not uncommon, either.
Also, alot of times when you rupture prematurely, we don't deliver you right away. We keep you on observation and watch for any signs of infection. Every day inside mom is a week less in the NICU. So staying pregnant for those 3 weeks was probably a good thing for him. There really is nothing we can do to totally prevent preterm labor. There are medications we can try to use, but if a woman is going to deliver, she's going to deliver.
Anytime something happens to our babies we feel guilty..."what if??" you can't go back and change anything. The only thing that might have changed would have been 3 weeks in the hospital for you prior to delivery.
Thankfully we have the technology to help these little guys along. Please don't feel guilty. Do what you can now to raise a healthy, happy baby :)
D.

L., this is all part of being a mom, we do the best we know how with what we know. My child does have LD and cognitive delay from meningitis. It's been a struggle, but there have also been many blessings because of it. And you haven't failed your son, you love him and he will always know it as it's so clear what a loving mom you are.

Honestly, this isn't your fault. You did the right thing by going to the ER in the first place and since they did the test and it came back negative and you talked to your midwife/OB, you did everything you could possibly do! You were told it was a bladder issue, and you could not have known otherwise. You're a good mama!

I think that I would have believed what the professionals were telling me just like you did. Your son is fine now and he will never remember that he was lying in a dry pond for awhile :)
It's all good. Would you feel better if you smoked and did crank and he went full term but came out ADHD or with some other disorder? I think you are very lucky that he's healthy and doing fine.
Lose the guilt, it's a wasted emotion and it's dragging you down.

<Grinning> Welcome to the club! You have discovered one of our quasi-secret Super Powers... know in exasperated (and often tear filled and gasping sobs) as "Mom Guilt". (Or in some cases as "Dad Guilt")

This super power manifests in many ways... and is taken ruthless advantage of by many who stand to profit by selling libraries full of books, warehouses full of beribboned and race car decorated swag, commercials which use terms like "Choosy Mom's", or "For a GOOD start", or "The BEST for your".... etc.

You'll find mom guilt keeps you up at night before the first day of kindergarten, has you actually ruthless in situations you never would have thought, and can easily suck the fun and joy out of life.

Mom-guilt is can eatcha alive from the inside out if you let it. Don't.

I drove my doctor crazy because I always thought my amniotic fluid was leaking during my first pregnancy. The hospital pushed me away so many times that if I had been leaking, I would not have gone in either. So, if I were you I would place any blame you feel on the hospital. I believe they need to take a mother's concern seriously......even if it is for twenty five times of checking.

Now, I was born at 3 pounds 3 ounces. I have graduated from college and taught first grade for 11 years. Just because he is premature does not mean that there will be problems; its just that ~ a higher risk. In addition, many issues are fixable. I do need glasses, I wear contacts and glasses. I needed speech therapy as a child but I speak very well now. And both issues may not have been because I was so small.

L., you have NOT failed him. You did everything you could and it does not sound as if you were listened too. You love your baby.

You will face a lifetime of wishing you could be better, do better, etc.....All moms do! You have to free yourself of this thinking and accept that what you know when you are going through an issue is the information that you can use to get yourself through a situation.
Good luck!

What happened was no one's fault. You couldn't have known. You feel guilty because of what you know now, but you can't blame yourself for not realizing what was going on while you were pregnant.

We all feel guilt as parents at times. This is not your fault. None of us know what God has planned for us. Just do the best you can and know that you are giving 100% as a parent.

Dearest L.,

When I was pregnant with my first boy, I didn't know what to expect. I started contractions at 20 wks., but blew them off as "the aches and pains you have during pregnancy." I was put on bedrest at 26 wks. and my beautiful (now handsome 16 yr. old young man), 2 lbs.+ baby was found to have a urinary tract condition that the doctors could correct! If he hadn't been born at 26-28 wks., the docs couldn't have intervened!! It was a miracle for us.

My second boy started going down the same path and I was on bedrest for almost 4 months. Talk about tension, fear, and failure I felt as a Mom. The parent thing was so new to me and a was in health care, just at the wrong end (a dentist!!!!!!!) HA!

With my 2nd, if I got to 30 or 32 wks., I felt like I was HOME FREE! WhooHoo!

The boys at this time could care less, and the only one who feels any sadness sometimes is me, when I look at their early pics. So, I just don't do that very often. So, I just listen to one playing the electric guitar, he taught himself, and the other one running off at the mouth like a lawyer.

Remember, they never will, and nothing is your fault! Just feed him, love him, hold him, and change his poppy diapers! Ahh, the sweet smell of success!

Love to you and your new little family. Laurie

It was THEIRS- the DOCTORS and NURSES who said there was NOTHING WRONG when there WAS and did NOTHING about the whole situation until THE LAST MINUTE!
So...
NO! It was NOT your fault!

It's not your fault. We, as Moms, have to listen to our doctors.
I can tell that you love your son very much.

L.,

You have to try to let go of the guilt. How are you supposed to know what's going on when you are pregnant, especially with your first. With my son, I was leaking fluid too. Went to the ER once or twice (can't remember) and they told me that it was nothing (it was amniotic fluid). This was over the course of a week, by the end of the week, the fluid was tinged with pink, so I went back to the hospital and while in the waiting room, my water broke (rushing water etc.) and I had to be induced since I was "leaking" all week before my water broke. My son had jaundice for a couple weeks after birth (since he was a bit early). Sounds like your son is doing great and is a success story. Learning disabilities- why are you going there? Just love him and nurture him, and he will be wonderful. You can't predict the future. If it makes you feel better, my daughter (when she turned 30 days old) had to be taken to the hospital, coded, was intibated, it was a nightmare. She was in peds ICU for 2 weeks. I had a respiratory infection while pregnant, my husband and son got sick and she almost died b/c of it. They told us that she may be predisposed to have some respiratory issues. For awhile, when she did get sick, it would become a respiratory issue (bronchitis etc.) but she is a perfectly healthy 3 1/2 yr old now. Let the guilt go, it's not doing anything beneficial and/or productive for you and/or your son (p.s. i used to be a clinical psychologist too). Have a great day and weekend. *C.

Dear L.,

Well you are truly a mother now because you are suffering w/ the senseless "mother guilt" so many of us struggle with, often over things that we have no control over. Your guilt is a sign of how responsible you feel for your baby and how much you love him.
It sounds to me like you did every single thing you possibly could have, including being totally medically responsible. We can't always know or fix everything that is wrong w/ our pregnancies or our children. Your baby is fine so you really have nothing to even feel bad about anymore. Enjoy him!
S. N., MA

L.,

It is not your fault! My husband and mother were both preemie babies and they both turned out just fine. My mom was a preemie when the hospitals did not have NICU units. Instead my grand parents had to put four warm water bottles around her and change them on a regular basis to keep her warm. She is now 71 and turned out completely normal.

My husband was a preemie as well. He was born when the doctors were first testing the RSV drugs so mothers could carry their children to full term even through their bodies are trying to reject the baby. My DH was born so early and struggled in NICU that my in-laws even brought in the pastor and had him baptized in the hospital because they didn't think he would survive. He has grown up into a wonderful, fun-loving, caring and sweet man.

You are a mother, you will worry about the choices you make and resulting events that occur due to those choices. But, here's the part that we mother's really need to learn. How to forgive ourselves for making mistakes and being human. Take a few minutes every day and practice letting go. As a parent you will make mistakes, but the best gift you can give yourself is learning how to treat yourself with respect and not beat yourself up after making a mistake.

Your son is alive! You love him with all your heart and you will continue to do so. Talk to him, make eye contact, teach him daily that he is important to you and no matter what happens in the future he will know deep in his being that he is loved.

Here's a big e-hug.

C..

If anyone is at fault it is your Physician and Midwife. In my opinion your physician & midwife did not practice due diligence. I believe they should have insisted you come in every 24 or 48 hours to be retested for amniotic fluid leak.

You are not an idiot. You put your trust in your Physician and Midwife.
I believe that if anyone failed, it was them. How were you supposed to know what to do? You didn't go to Medical School, that's why you hired them. They did not respect your questions or concerns. You did everything you knew how to do, to get them to listen to you.

You've learned a life lesson. If your Doctors isn't listening, go to the ER and find out nothing is wrong or confirm if your "bad feeling" is correct. It's okay if your Doctor thinks you are over reacting, because you insist he see you today. It's okay to get a second opinion when you think something is wrong.

As a result of this birthing experience, you know more about handling a medical dilemma. The lessons learned are yours, you will use them use them rest of your life.

I don't know all the facts of this incident, it's also possible, no Physician could have discovered and diagnosed this problem. Which would absolve everyone involved of any wrong doing or guilt.

I'm wishing your guilt to melt away.
A.

While my babies were not premature, I know enough people who have had preemies to know that sometimes that just happens. And learning disabilities can happen to any child.

You can't go back. You have not failed your son. As a mother we do the best job that we can with the information available. And making yourself feel guilty over all of this can only hinder your ability to be the best mom and woman that you can be. No matter what we do, God ultimately has it under His control.

My oldest is 9, and I can't tell you how many times that I have questioned my ability as a mom. "Did I say or do the right thing?" That's a normal part of being a good mom. It means that you care. When we think about these things it means that we are trying to learn how to be the best mom that we can be.

But if you have sad thoughts that you just can't get past, please talk to someone around you. Being in a mom's support group of some kind is the best thing that I ever did for myself. I went through depression after my first child. It was a scary thing. Please seek support from other moms (maybe even other moms of preemies) and take it from there.

No L., you haven't failed him! You only did what your doc and midwife recommended. Tests and doctors are not perfect. Preemies are a higher risk for all kinds of things BUT, SO MANY have no problems at all. Stay on top of it, love on him alot, talk to him alot, nurture, nurture, nurture! All the best and congrats!

So, if you're like me, you've still got the hormonal thing going on at three months postpartum, which is heightening your guilt. Honestly, I think it's no one's fault.....I think your OB was busy and told you to go to the triage.....great! I think they couldn't catch a high leak on a test that cannot reach high areas....er, okay. I think your midwife was taking the middle road in thinking that late pregnancy and loss of bladder control are consistent. I think if you have been drinking water and staying hydrated it's impossible for you (or others, for that matter) to tell the difference between urine and amniotic fluid just by looking at it.
No, you can never take the birth circumstances back, but you did learn a very valuable lesson.....TRUST YOURSELF! As a mother you will now be much more forceful with your medical personnel in getting the answers and care you and your family needs. If something is not right, question it until YOU get a satisfactory answer. Medical professionals are human....they have to make snap decisions based on what people tell them (sometimes not the full story because people may not know what all is relevant) and what they see (clear liquid).....there's bound to be missed diagnoses. That you kept on them was EXACTLY the right thing to do.
Bravo Mama!

Don't worry - you did what you thought was best at the time - look forward to the future not back to the past.
My sister lost nearly ALL of her amniotic fluid at 18 weeks and gave birth to her son at 26 weeks - she had pre eclampsia so it was an emergency c - section and he weighed less than 2lb. Now aged 6 he is perfectly healthy, happy and not delayed in any function.

I say don't feel guilty...you have enough to do with taking care of that little baby. Get over the guilt, it wasn't anyone's fault, and just move on. Focus on caring for your baby now that he is out of the womb.

L.! Please! Do not beat yourself up about this. You did just fine! It is not your fault and you have not failed your baby. No way. You asked, you got some answers which were faulty. And please understand that there just isn't always THE perfect pregnancy and birthing, and for that matter, the medical field is not 100% without slip ups either. We're human being, we have weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Doctors don't always get it right. And it isn't the fault of the mom when she miscarries either. Nature happens. We can't always know about leaks or that something isn't right.

You just take care of yourself and your baby. This happens.
The best would be to remember it the next time so you can convey that to your midwife and be on the side of caution.

This is NOT your fault!!! A similar situation happened with my cousin and her son was born at 30 weeks. In the later weeks of pregnancy, your body changes and what once was, simply no longer is. Just because you never "leaked" before, when you're that far along, ANYTHING is possible. As a parent, you want to take every precaution possible to keep them safe, happy and healthy. You sought professional help. You did everything you were told to do.

I think Riley put it perfectly. The hardest thing about being a parent--in every stage of life--is that we cannot control everything as hard as we might try. There is that bit of a feeling of failure when our child has a fever that we cannot magically bring down right away or when our child gets upset that no one wants to play or the million other things that come up in everyday life.
You did not fail your son. You did what any one of us would have done. Yes a premie has chances of delay, but a full term infant also has a chance. My triplets were born at 34 weeks. They were fine, just a feeding tube and one had jaundice. But I was told not to expect them to be totally up to speed with other kids their age. "They will catch up by the time they are 5 or so". Yeah, more like 1 yr old. Also, there was a little girl in the nursery, Amiracle. That was her name and that is what she was. I think she was born at 22 weeks. She made it. She went home after I started taking my kids home (2, 2 1/2 and almost 3 weeks after they were born). I saw her a few years later and she looked pretty good. I think she had a feeding tube but did well. A coworker has friend that also felt guitly for having her twins prematurely. She ignored the signs of early labored and then it was too late. I think she was only 23 weeks. Sadly, one did not make it. The other is doing very well, still a few bumps to get over but at 3 she is a major spitfire and has some major spunk. Do not ever let anyone put you down because your son was born premature. We do what we can, control what we can, and accept the best we can. And heaven help those people taht get in our way. :)

I honestly think you did everything you could and beating yourself up over not being God isn't going to help. We've all had situations in which we feel like we have failed. It doesn't mean we have failed, its just that we can't predict the future. Don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy the fact that your son is alive and well. Recognize how precious his life is as well as yours and ENJOY IT!! Try to relax and know you have good instincts (I need to be taking this advice as well). Good luck to you and your family!!

HI L.,
Stop beating yourself up, my dear. There are lots of reasons that your little guy could have been premature and maybe you could have prevented it if you'd caught it sooner, but probably not.

Guilt is a wasted emotion and it won't serve you well to take care of your little guy, so let go of it. Easier said than done. Remember that you are also feeling the ups and downs of post pregnancy hormones and those can make us feel crazy.

My son was born two and a half months early and I blamed myself too. But the truth is that the Dr.s and midwives couldn't tell me why he came early... nothing came back on the tests they ran.

I would check into early intervention services and have your son evaluated if that is an option. Our son had minor issues where he needed physical therapy and there were a few other things we needed to be aware of. I was very glad that we found out early how to help him. He is now 5 and (has been since 3) absolutely caught up emotionally, physically and in every other way. He's a brilliant, beautiful, perfect little boy. No one would ever guess he'd had such a rocky beginning. I'll bet yours will be the same. :)

Blessings to you~

You need to breath....... I think you did what you felt was right at the time. From the sounds of it no matter what you did. I think the baby would have been born early any way. The only thing if I was a midwife would have been to tell you to be on bed rest. I am not very happy with your ob nor mid wife. If I was you I wouldn't be feeling guilty about your stuff I would be upset with the ob and the mid wife. Why where you not put on bed rest? If your leaking fluid you don't go shopping. You go home and don't move and call ob if there busy screw it you call and say i need to get into see the ob don't let people say no when your in need of your dr. if there is an issue than you need to find a new ob. I wouldn't fret over it you did what you could your little one would have been born probably early any way. I would just enjoy the little one as much as possible