Grandmother Trying to Be Mother

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Hi K.,
My Mom sounds very much as yours :) But I learned not to feel defensive or offended like you seem to feel because I know that she does those things out of love. Your son is only 2. My 14 y/o has a GREAT bond with grandma. She always was very dotting on him and criticized me many times for not putting his coat on, for not being firm enough or some other things. When my child was young, I admit I had moments like you do when I felt like "wait a minute, I can handle that, I am an adult now, I know what I am doing". As my children started growing up I realized that no matter how old I was or how much I knew my Mom was always older and knew more about life and was always ahead of me and always had my best interests at heart even if she not always was able to express them in a way I found appropriate. Just like I try to do with my teen now :) And he feels that he knows better, old enough, smart enough and Mom (me) just needs to go on with her life and not bother him. Ha-ha! Life's circle repeating again and again. I am just trying to tolerant to Mom and if I was you I would just ask her to doll her criticism privately and certainly not to SIL (who is not a family to begin with and should not be in the middle of mother-daughter disagreements in any way).
Let her enjoy the little guy. And he will benefit tremendously from having grandma in his life. As for your position, do not worry. No one and nothing can break the special mother-child bond. The child is wired biologically and instinctively to prefer mother to ANY other caregiver. That is the reason, by the way, why he is bratty with you and nice with your Mom. My kids do the same thing-save their worst for me. This is because they feel the safest with you, the Mom, who loves them unconditionally, bad or good.
Good luck.

I can relate. I had a very difficult time when I became a single mom and my mother tried to help, but in very controlling, invasive ways. I knew that I didn't want to cut off communication (OK, maybe I did - but I felt I shouldn't, lol!); it took a while for me to learn to defend my boundaries. It was especially hard because she was very boundary resistant, which your mom apparently is, too. It never ended in a civil conversation when I tried to assert my place as my children's mom. In the end, I had to greatly limit the time I spent with her, as she was seriously impacting my ability to parent.
My kids are older now, and my mom's antics don't bother me as much. She's improved a lot, out of necessity. I would suggest writing a SHORT letter (don't get too deep into it), explaining why you are going to limit your time with her. If she throws a fit, so be it. You have to protect your child from dysfunction. Be calm but firm. You're the parent and you have the right to act like it.
You might also look into codependency counseling or support group. Women with moms like ours are often codependent.
Try to be as loving as you can to your mom. She is in her own pain and if you are prayerful and kind as well as firm you'll eventually get a little peace!
Blessings

I think Peg M. has your answer. Before you cut her out of your life, try the high road. Try it. Nonconfrontational. Just "thanks for the advice, Mom". You can even make it a game for you. How many times in one visit do you have to utter those words? Or even, "Mom, I've got this one, thanks"

She IS giving you advice out of love for her grandchild. Recognize that. And even if it IS a little race she is trying to play, she'll never ultimately win. Because at the end of the day, you get final say. And don't give her any more power. Remember, YOU'RE the mom. Take whatever advice she has, consider it, respond without emotion, and then do whatever YOU think is best for your child.

You might try just looking at her with a mildly friendly expression and tell her in a mildly friendly voice, "Thanks for the advice, Mom." Same tone every time. No exasperation or eye-rolling, which may give her some secret justification, "proving" to her that you are still a child. (And when you are acting exasperated, it is your inner child who's been hooked.)

This actually worked pretty well with my mom, and much faster than I expected. I noticed that after maybe a dozen or so repeats, she seemed much less certain about interjecting her advice. Eventually she completely stopped.

Well, almost completely. ;-)

Cutting off all communication is very rarely the answer. I would sit down and have a calm heart to heart with her, about how you respect her concern and care for your son, but would hope she trusts you are a good mother that is loving and attentive. Tell her that while you appreciate her help, that she is causing confusions with your son when you belittle her parenting and override your authority. Then, I would tell her it is inappropriate for her to gossip to others about your parenting style and would appreciate her candor and respect. If she continues to find fault, then I would make visits very brief and act as 'professional' as possible around her, and go take your son to a park alone or something if she throws a fit. If she complains, then remind her that you do not enjoy being belittled by her and thus will make the visits as short as possible.

I would also choose my battles very, very wisely and learn to let some situations go. My mil is wonderful, very caring, and respects me as a mother, but even she can be annoying and remind me to put socks/coats on and such. I think it is a very grandmotherly thing to do, so learning to be patient with some quirks can certainly help the situation.

I have a similar issue with my Mom. She has always been very controlling and was very strict hen I was growing up. With my son, she is the exact opposite. She lets him do anything. She visits with him at the home daycare that we use. I don't want our provider to be in the middle so she usually tells me whats happened and then I have to talk to my Mom about it. Last year on a cool day, she took him for a walk. The provider made sure he had on a sweatshirt and shoes and socks. He came back with out any of it on. My mom lets him jump on the providers couch and even encourages it. I had to explain to her that she can't do that 1 it's not safe 2. the other kids thinks it looks like fun so they want to do it after she leaves 3. I don't want him going to other peoples houses and thinking it's ok to jump on their couch. We've had several other issues too. It's very frustrating because I want my son to know his grandmother. She's the only grandparent on either side of the family, but I think she thinks he won't like her if she sets any boundaries. Sorry, I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that I can relate.

Establish clear boundaries. Make sure she knows what they are. Enforce them.

My Mom was always undermining me. I became very health conscious and started losing weight and watching salt, fat, sugar ect when my oldest 2 were about 1 & 3 yrs old. I stopped buying Cherios and other cereal with high salt content, my Mom would intentionally buy them and have my kids overnight and tell them 'just don't tell Mom' 'It's only cereal, what does she know' ect ect ect. It didn't help when a year later I filed for a divorce and my ex and his Mom did the same thing. They always played the popularity game with my kids or the I love you so you can eat what you want, don't have to pick up ect. Fast forward over 25 yrs and my kids now see Mom did know best. My ex is only 5 months older than me and is falling apart has had a couple of close calls with the grim reaper, his Mom died of heart failure and my Mom is on hospice dying from heart failure.
Yes I pointed it all out to them --look at me I am healthy, full of energy, on NO medication and now they are adopting my eating habits.

It is so frustrating. I would talk to Mom and say 'do you really want to spend time with him or not. If so these are the rules, if you can't abide by my rules then you don't see him.

Marda is very wise. I understand what she is saying mostly. But I don't think it's fair to talk about your mother as if she's incapable of understanding. You are not with her that much. She hasn't had the chance to see how this plays out on a daily basis. I don't know that it's not that she doesn't understand how you feel. I think it's that she has forgotten how kids can be. But I don't think you get it either. Kids, ALL kids, THRIVE on pitting parents against each other. I've had 4 daughters that can, and sometimes still do, manipulate the people around them. There are 4 generations in my house living one roof in this house. Sometimes it's hard. 3 grandparents, one young parent, and two children between us all.

I see this behavior in the daycare all the time. I have to step in and make the kids behave when their parents are picking them up because they simply can not or will not listen to them.

I'm not going to sit here and say my kids have always listened to me. But I will sit here and say that 80% of the time they were a heck of a lot more obedient than what I see these days. Kids these days are out of control because parents are trying all kinds of new ways to parent and most of them simply don't work that well. But I get it. I really do. We have parents losing their cool and killing their own children. We are all stressed and living in a difficult time of history. Money is tight and we don't want to spend the little time we have with our kids arguing and scrapping. Most parents work too much and the kids don't understand how they take the little time we have after other obligations and make things hard.

You are not being unreasonable. But you are banging your head against a wall that simply will not budge. Don't give your son what he wants. He wants to see the two of you struggle because then he's won his little game. Step aside and let her be in charge in her home. And what do you care what her friends and neighbors think or feel? It'll all come around someday and you'll get it from the other side. My daughter says a lot of hurtful things to me about my time with my grandson. But at the end of every day I just get to remember that I plan on being ALIVE and kicking when she starts complaining about her kids and the way they treat her with her grandchildren and how much they don't understand. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of laughs and I told you so's out of it.

Honestly....Is your kid a brat? Do you tend to give him his own way? Do you really want to cut off ALL communitcation with your mother?

I can't count the times I was told to put on a coat or asked if I was going to put a sweater on my child?

Holidays are comming, if you want to make your point....better decide how you want to do this.

Blessings...

Ditto what Dawn said. Be firm and stand your ground. Your the parent-you make the rules!

M